My Son's Wife

by Shelia E. Bell

  Shifting her teary eyes in the direction of Kansas, she tried to speak but nothing came out.

  Kansas hopped off of the bed, and knelt down in front of Frankie. “What is it? What’s got you crying?” Tenderness for the woman she loved was apparent on her face.

  “One of my tests,” Frankie could hardly speak, “came back positive.”

  “Frankie, what on earth are you talkin’ bout?” Kansas’ face was stricken with terror.

  Frankie lifted her head and faced Kansas. What she was about to tell her could ruin her life and future too.

  “I tested positive for HIV.”

  “You what?” Kansas jumped up. “HIV?” she yelled. Turning around with her hand on her forehead, Kansas screamed. “You got HIV?” Kansas asked again to be sure she had heard right.

  Kansas fell down on the filthy, worn carpet and cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

  Frankie stopped crying as quickly as she had started. “What are you talkin’ about?”

  Without any forewarning, Kansas picked up where Frankie left off and her tears flowed like the Nile River. “You gotta believe me when I tell you I didn’t mean to give it to you. I didn’t.” Crawling on her knees, she stopped in front of Frankie and laid her head on Frankie’s knees.”

  Frankie shoved Kansas away and stood up. “You, you did this to me? How? Why? Was this your sick way of tryin’ to hold on to me? You knew all along that you had it and you didn’t tell me, Kansas?” Frankie lashed out, and started striking Kansas repeatedly.

  “No, I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to, Frankie. I swear I didn’t.” Kansas pitifully pleaded.

  When she grew too exhausted to hit her anymore, Frankie stopped and started gathering the few items of clothing and toiletries she had. She walked out of the apartment with Kansas still begging and crying for her to stay. Without looking back, tuning the cries of Kansas out of her mind, Frankie stepped outside and into the unknown.

  The tables had flipped over on Frankie once again. No place to run. No place to hide. God, why do you hate me so much?

  34

  Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. Bette Davis

  Thursday night Bible study was one of the few times Stiles and Rena rode to church together. Their conversation was sporadic and proper. Tonight would be different because Stiles made plans to settle things between himself and Rena once and for all.

  Stiles turned on the lights inside the house, while Rena lazily strolled back toward her bedroom. Her steps were halted when he called her name.

  “Rena, wait. We need to talk.”

  She blew threw her lips. “Stiles, give me a break, won’t you? I’m tired of talking. I’m tired of listening to you dictate my life and I refuse to argue with you anymore. I don’t want to do anything but go to my room, take a shower and go to bed.”

  “This isn’t going to work.”

  “What isn’t going to work now?” Rena stopped, inhaled then slowly exhaled.

  “Us. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve prayed and I’ve asked God to help me to move past all that’s happened. But I just can’t keep this up. I want a divorce, Rena.”

  “A divorce. I don’t believe you, Stiles,” Rena’s voice began to shake. “Since when did God tell you, Mr. Man of God, to divorce your wife? And on what grounds?” she blurted loudly.

  Stiles ignored the anger in her voice. “If you want me to go there, then I will. But I wouldn’t have to tell you if you studied the word of God like you should. The word says that, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

  “The Bible also says, Pastor Graham,” Rena spoke with nervousness and emphasis, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. I thought we were going to try to work this out. I prayed that you would find it in your heart to forgive me and that we could start over.”

  “I do forgive you. But I can’t be the husband I should be to you. It’s time for me to admit that and to accept it. God has shown me that this marriage is done. You weren’t the one for me, and that’s my fault. I was caught up in you, the person, and didn’t fully listen to God. When we go outside of His will and His way, God has a way to pull the reigns back in on us. If you haven’t asked him to, you should seek His forgiveness rather than concentrating on whether I forgive you or not. If I don’t forgive you, that’s between me and God.” Stiles head went up in the air, evidently very pleased with himself.

  “Don’t you stand there and try to get all righteous and sanctimonious with me.” This time Rena’s voice rang out loud. “If you want out, fine with me. Enough is enough. There’s no other way for me to prove how sorry I am for all that’s happened between us. Let me ask you this though, Mr. Perfect.” Rena’s temper flared and she glared at him with burning reproachful eyes. “Haven’t you ever made a mistake? Have you ever done something that you were sorry for? Said something you regretted?” She grew breathless with rage. “Answer me! Have you?”

  “Yes, I have,” admitted Stiles quietly. “But it didn’t ruin any one’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to stand here and condemn you for what you’ve done. Believe it or not, I still love you, and I love my sister too. I didn’t say anything about it to you before now, but I talked to Fonda and she admitted that everything Francesca said about what happened was true, unfortunately including how my mother treated her.

  Rena placed her hands against her ears, like she was trying to drown out what Stiles said. “Stop your lying, you self-centered, selfish, arrogant son of a...” She pursed her lips before she said the unthinkable.

  “It’s true. As for Travis Jones, she was telling the truth about him too. But despite all of what she’s gone through, it doesn’t erase what happened between the two of you. It doesn’t change the fact that you deceived me. And because of that, I can’t have you as my wife.”

  “Oh, so what you’re saying is that you had to go and investigate for yourself rather than believe the words of your own sister? It took someone else telling you the horror of what she went through. You know what, Stiles? Rena showed no sign of relenting. Sucking in her breath for a moment she glared at him. “You want to come out of this scotch free. Like you’re so good and I’m so bad. I did wrong. How many times do I have to admit it? What Frankie and I did was wrong.” Her voice escalated and both arms flew up in the air. “How many times must I be reminded of it? We committed sinful acts against God and against our own bodies. But you’ve committed your secret sins too. If you recall, you’re no knight in shining armor yourself. Maybe you haven’t slept with another man…I don’t guess, who knows? But you’ve left your mark on many a woman in your day.”

  Stiles’s jaw line jerked back and forth at the stone she’d thrown his way. Her words were vindictive and accusatory but true. At that moment, he felt his flesh taking over and he wanted to lunge out at her – he didn’t. He stood still.

  “Try to hurt me and attack me all you want, Rena. I’ll pray for you.”

  Rena was on a roll and a flood of words kept spilling over. ”That goes for Pastor, Audrey, and all of us. Nobody has lived a perfect life. Or don’t you remember?” she continued angrily. “That’s why God had to hang on that cross. For filthy sinners like you and me.” Rena pointed to herself.

  “I know the word of God, Rena.” Stiles boldly met her eyes.

  “Well act like it,” she shouted, her voice becoming hoarse with frustration. “Stop being so darn hypocritical.”

  “Hypocritical?” He laughed out loud. “That’s like the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think, when you’re the biggest hypocrite of them all. You and that twisted minded sister of mine. So, she was molested and raped. At some point, we have to move past the bad things that have
happened in our lives, Rena, not wallow in them. Let me tell you what else I discovered recently. My sister is HIV positive? Do you know that, Rena? Oh, wait,” Stiles said and palmed his own forehead. “What am I thinking? Of course you do; you probably are too. So who’s the phony now?”

  Rena swooned. Her mouth flew open.

  “What do you have to say now?” Stiles retorted.

  “Oh, my God. Oh, nooo,” she screamed.

  In between sobs, Rena’s fury mounted again. “I’m not trying to make excuses for my actions. But I do know that sin is sin, Stiles. There’s no little sin or big sin. All of it is the same. It leads to death and damnation. See, I know the Bible too, Pastor Stiles Graham,” she chided. “I didn’t know anything about Frankie having HIV. I feel sorry for her, for everything that she’s had to endure, for people like you who are so darn condemning and judgmental toward her. I feel sorry for me too, but if it turns out that I have HIV too, then I’ll pray for God to give me the strength to lean on him. I’ll pray that I won’t be condescending and condemning like you and your self righteous mother. You want a divorce? You’ve got it, baby! You’re free to go on with your life because,” pointing a finger at Stiles, “I’m sure going to go on with mine.” Rena promptly walked off. Sobbing, she ran down the hallway and into her bedroom. Slamming the door behind her, she threw herself across the bed and released a river of tears.

  35

  You don't die from a broken heart-you only wish you did.–Unknown

  Frankie was ecstatic when she received notice that her disability benefits were approved. Through an advocacy agency for persons with disabilities, they helped her secure an affordable and accessible apartment in the small town of Newbern, Tennessee. It was far enough away from Memphis for Frankie to make a new start. With all that had happened in her life, she had a lot of soul searching to do. Living with HIV and genital herpes was a double death sentence for her, or so she believed.

  Spending time with herself re-awakened an inner determination; she began to accept her illnesses and her physical challenges. Except for the one call she made to her family before leaving Memphis to tell them about her disease, Frankie cut off all ties with them. Stiles made it easier for Frankie to move on with her life, after he told her about his talk with Fonda. And now that he knew the truth about their mother too, Frankie determined he would have to deal with Audrey however he saw fit. As for Frankie, she hoped she cut really let go of the past and start a new future.

  Living alone, without contact with any of her old friends proved to be a big adjustment, but with each passing day, her life became somewhat easier. No more wild night partying, hanging out at clubs or getting high. She still smoked cigarettes, but she’d managed to cut back on them too. Though her sexual preference had not changed, she had not been involved with a woman since moving to Newbern. She preferred, and rather enjoyed, the isolation and solitude, something she never liked before.

  Lying in bed, she sometimes thought of Rena. Rena had stuck by her through thick and thin and Frankie told herself that she had no right to ruin the life of the one person she was sure once loved her. Thoughts of Pastor and his health invaded her thoughts too. How was he; did he miss her? As for Kansas, Frankie still had a hard time dealing with what she’d done. Yet, Frankie realized she and Kansas were alike in at least one way; they both had hurt people they cared about. As bad as Frankie would have liked to, there was no way she could turn back the hands of time and make things better. The flurry of life’s events played over inside her mind like a scratched CD.

  Turning on her side, she relived the moments when she was a happy, carefree young girl, before she was turned into damaged goods. The chain of tragic events that made her into the person she was today shook her and forced sobs to burst forth.

  The love for God she had back then used to make her believe that she was someone special. “God, you promised that you would never leave me or forsake me. You promised that you would always love me. Tell me, Lord. What happened? Why did you turn away from me? Why has my life shipwrecked? I feel like a leper─cast aside, misused, misunderstood, broken and beaten beyond repair.” Francesca cried out to God like never before. When her eyes were swollen shut and her body was drained of tears, she slept peacefully for the first time in years.

  Six days later, Frankie stepped outside of her apartment to retrieve her Sunday morning newspaper in the brisk mid-morning air. Closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath, she filled her lungs with the fresh air. Music coming from the complex’s on-site church drifted pass her ears. A larger church in the neighborhood held weekly Sunday morning and Wednesday evening worship services. Frankie stood on the porch and watched as a van filled with people drove in the complex on its way to the church within eyeshot of her apartment.

  Some Sunday’s Frankie opened her window and listened to the music. A time or two she entertained the thought of going to see for herself what they were doing, but she dispelled that thought as quickly as it came to her. For some unexplainable reason, this particular Sunday morning proved to be different. Something drew her in the direction of the church and away from her apartment. She kept walking until she reached the entrance.

  “Good morning,” one of her neighbors said as they walked in front of her and opened the door to go inside.

  Frankie responded politely. “Good morning.”

  “Are you coming inside?” the neighbor asked while holding the doors of the church open.

  Frankie hesitated and then said, “Yes. I’m coming in.”

  “What can wipe away your sins?” the preacher asked and answered himself. “Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Someone in here needs the stench of sin wiped away from their life. Someone in here needs to know that God is a forgiving God.” His voice escalated. “I tell you, someone in this very place needs to know that God is a habit breaker; that he is a healer and a deliverer. Someone, I tell you, needs to know that God is the God of second chances, third chances, and unlimited chances. Someone needs to know that God is a God of suddenly. He can suddenly turn your darkness into light. The God I serve can suddenly right your wrongs. He can suddenly save your sin sick soul, and he can make a broken life whole. Oh, yes God can.”

  The preacher stretched out his arms toward the gathering of people. “Come to, Jesus. All who are burdened and heavy laden. He will give you rest. Surrender your all to him. He will work it out.”

  From the back pew, Frankie listened to the preacher. At that moment, she felt like there was no one else around. He was speaking directly to her. She saw him. The spirit within that she had closed the door on so many years ago began to speak to her heart. She needed what she now had come to understand that only God could give her – deliverance. Easing from her seat, she excused herself and moved past each person until she stood in the aisle. Walking slowly, limping and wounded in more than her physical body, she moved toward the front of the church and yielded her broken life and spirit to God.

  36

  We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. E. M. Forester

  Mr. Bolden and Rena huddled in the corner of the library’s meeting area.

  “I hate to see you leave, Rena.”

  “I hate to leave behind dear friends like you too, Mr. Bolden. But it’s time for me to step out and move forward. God has opened another door for me and I’m going to walk through it.”

  “You’re going to do great in Andover,” he told her. “You’ll be a great director at the new library up there.”

  “I hope so. Just a couple of months ago, right after my divorce was final; I couldn’t imagine holding my head up ever again. I thought every one hated me.” Rena grinned. “Come to think about it, some people did hate me, and still do,” she stated hurtfully. “But during these past months, I’ve learned how to stand up and be strong. I won’t allow any one to make me ashamed any more.”

  “Good for you. You’re a wonderful woman. You deserve good things in your life.”r />
  “Thank you, sir, and remember, we’re going to keep in touch. Right?”

  Mr. Bolden searched her face and saw peace and satisfaction there. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Come here.” He embraced Rena. “May God bless you.”

  Rena said her final goodbyes to her co-workers before she walked to her car. She opened the door and climbed inside, pausing for another minute to say goodbye to her past.

  Driving along the stretch of highway, Rena prayed and asked God to guide her and direct her steps. She prayed for Frankie that wherever she was, that she was doing well and was safe. No more looking back; it was time to look forward to a new future, another chance and a closer relationship with the God who had loved her in spite of herself. With each twist and turn, each mile that led her further away from Memphis, Rena felt more confident, more at peace and fully of joy. She was going home. Home to a new life, and a fresh beginning.

  37

  People who are sensible about love are incapable of it. Douglas Yates

  Ring. Ring.

  Stiles listened, hoping to hear the tender voice he once adored, answer the phone. Instead he listed to the automated voice on Rena’s cell phone. “At the subscriber’s request this phone does not accept incoming calls, Message SEL93245.”

  He closed his cell phone and lay back on the bed, with his head resting in the palms of his hands. Three months and 29 days, since he’d spoken to his ex-wife. He opened the phone again, and scrolled through his contacts until he saw the listing, Rena-MomDad.

  Should he call? His mind and heart were confused. Part of him missed her. He thought about her laugh, her smell and her touch. “Why did she have to be so deceitful? God, I don’t understand why all of this happened? I can’t get over it. I can’t get pass it.” Stiles dropped the cell phone and bolted upright in the bed like he’d been electrocuted. He stood and paced the floor in front of the bed.