Love Is Louder

by Antoinette Candela

  The smell of freshly cut grass saturates the air as the landscapers manicure the acres of lawn surrounding the house. Squinting against the sun’s glare, I step out of my SUV, walk up the broad granite steps, and open the door without knocking and step inside.

  Glistening white marble floors, cream walls adorned with expensive paintings and an extravagant crystal chandelier that shimmers in the sunlight remind me of my upbringing and all the advantages money brings.

  “Mother,” I call out as my eyes drift up the spiraling staircase that leads to the second floor of their sprawling fifteen-room mansion. There’s no reply, so I cast my eyes across the open foyer and into the equally expansive sitting room filled with photos and memories of my life. My parents lived vicariously through me for most of my life. Sadly to say, my mother still does.

  From the mantel of the fireplace, I pick up a family photo from when I graduated from Harvard Law a little over five years ago. A picture without Brie, whom I was engaged to at the time. A picture that Brie agreed to take after my mother demanded a photo be taken of just the three of us. It started with my mother as soon as I slipped the three-carat diamond ring onto Brie’s finger.

  “How is my handsome successful son?” My mother’s familiar voice crawls up my back, catching me off guard. Turning, I meet her adoring blue eyes, and for a moment, my frustration vanishes. Feigning contentment, I smile broadly and take her in. She is a natural beauty and has aged well over the years, avoiding the sun and never missing her weekly facial appointments and proud of the fact she’s never gone under the knife. She’s in her late fifties, shapely and toned, and dressed in a navy skirt and white silk blouse with her black hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail. She’s holding a glass of red wine, the one accessory she can’t live without.

  “I could be better.”

  Replying with that answer is a big mistake on my part, as my mother’s eyebrows shoot up. She’s going to want to know the reasons behind my bad mood. Knowing Mother, she thinks it has something to do with Brie upsetting me and not meeting her unattainable standards.

  She strides across the room with a hard expression, her lips tight and her eyes icy. When she catches the reluctance in my eyes, her eyes soften, and a sincere smile forms on her thin red lips. Coming here was a bad idea, but I honestly miss her and a part of me wishes she’d change her attitude about certain people. Life is too short for this kind of shit.

  I blow the air from my lungs in an attempt to gather myself to deal with her as I lean down to give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “Is it her?” she asks. She gives me a long, appraising look, the one that sharpens into advice.

  I’m not even going to entertain this with her. Brie or my marriage is not a topic of conversation.

  “Will you ever truly be satisfied with anything, Mother?” I mutter in consternation. “It’s work.”

  “Honey, I want the best…”

  “Do you? Not just with my career...everything.” I can’t talk to her about what is going on or what I’m feeling. It’s a bad idea, so I skillfully spin the conversation to focus on her favorite subjects—herself and her social calendar. She lights up, taking a dainty sip of wine as she takes a seat on the plush caramel-tinted sofa. She places the glass onto the coffee table as I collapse onto the comfortable brown leather wingback, resting my ankle on my knee.

  For the next twenty minutes, she goes into detail about her day and her upcoming weekend engagements with Dad, who is away on business for the next two days in Boston closing on another bank merger.

  I almost feel sorry for her. She’s isolated herself, letting all the trivial and material things rule her world. One thing remains, though. She wants nothing but the best for me. I hope she can step back. I’ve wished that ever since I went off to college. She can show so much love to my father and me, but then transform into a scornful woman when anyone from the outside infiltrates her realm, especially another woman.

  “How are you and Dad doing?” I venture, peaking at my Rolex. It’s almost five, and Brie is going to be home soon. I need her tonight. I need my wife to be available and ready for me.

  “We’re great, honey, as always,” she answers. A shadow flickers across her delicate features as she takes another sip of wine. “You look tired.” She regroups as she sets down her glass with a shaky hand.”Is it Brie? Is she not doing enough?”

  “Dammit, Mother,” I bark in a low voice as I rise from the chair. “I’m just tired from work. Tired of you doubting my choices. Be happy for me, just once.”

  She pales somewhat and actually looks hurt by my outburst. “I am, honey.” She stands from the sofa and approaches me, resting her graceful hand on my arm when the doorbell rings. “I want you to be taken care of.”

  “I’m fine. Everything’s great,” I acknowledge as I shoot my gaze toward the front door.

  Perfect timing.

  “I wish you would visit more often. I do worry about you,” she pleads. Leaning forward, she cups my cheek. I make a conscious effort not to flinch at her touch.

  “Being the district attorney is not a cakewalk. It’s work, a lot of hard work.”

  “Yes, I know. You have a reputation to uphold,” she states matter-of-factly.

  Suppressing my resentment, I kiss her on the cheek and step past her to leave.

  “I’m very aware of that.” I sense a major headache coming on. “I have to go.”

  “Okay, honey. I’m glad you stopped by.”

  A heavy pause lingers in the air as I start walking backwards toward the door.

  “Me, too. Bye.” Turning, I hurry down the hollow hallway, throw open the door, greet the attractive young brunette standing in my way, and brush past her like a strong gust of wind to get to my SUV. Frustrated beyond belief, I lean back against the hood and close my eyes in an effort to unwind. I’d try anything or do anything to relax right now.

  Will Mother ever truly ask about me and how I feel, or how I did all of this to make them proud so that she can brag to her friends?

  Dad funded my education, but Mother likes to take the credit for that, too. I’ll pay back every damn penny just so I don’t have to hear it anymore. Maybe then she’ll finally leave my life alone and allow me to live my life the way I want to without her overbearing and annoying attempts to influence my decisions.

  My cell phone buzzes as I get into my vehicle and slam the door. Grabbing it from pocket, I flinch when I see Lisa’s name light up the screen. I’m so tempted, but I ignore it. I don’t usually, but tonight I do. I have to go home at a decent time; I have to make an effort to be a husband.

  Fifteen minutes later, I pull into the empty driveway, park, and draw in a deep breath, wondering where Brie is. Yoga possibly, her new release, but I need mine now, and I need her to be the one to give it to me. She used to come straight home when I did. Now, she has her own life outside of work and this home, separate from me. I expected that, but now that I’m trying to be the husband I should be, I don’t want to share.

  My cell phone rings from my seat. I glance at the number.

  Lisa again.

  My heart skips in my chest. Loosening my tie, I sink down into the leather seat, debating whether or not to pick up. I wish I had a drink right now to slow down the demolition process going on in my mind. I peek at the time on the dash. It’s just a little past five. This can be something work-related, so I pick up.

  “James,” she breathes my name when I answer, her voice alluring, causing my body to stir. Shaking my head, I ignore the effect her voice has on me and answer.

  “Lisa.” My voice cracks on her name. I need to get a handle on my fucking nerves. “Is there a problem at the office?”

  “No, just a bunch of us from the office are going out for dinner and drinks again to discuss some cases that we weren’t able to go over during this morning’s meeting.” I hear a note of anticipation in her voice. “I was just calling to invite you.”

  I blink and take in some warm summer air that passes
through my SUV. I shouldn’t go. I should wait for Brie like she waits for me. Swim some laps in the pool and have a couple of beers alone. “Do you really need me there?” I glance up at the empty house, ready to take my keys and briefcase and head inside.

  “You’re the DA. Nothing goes unless we get your stamp of approval. It won’t take long. A couple of hours at the most.”

  I check the time again. Five minutes have passed. If I decide to go out, I’ll need to bypass the Bull and Bear. I look back at my house and then at the time once more. I tap my fingers on the steering wheel with my sweaty palm, trying to keep my scattered thoughts on track. My brain never stops these days with so much on the line with my job.

  “James...are you still there?”

  “Yes, where did you plan on going?”

  “Pascal’s. Some of the staff is already there.”

  This place is not much better. I was just there celebrating my wedding anniversary with Brie and low and behold I ran into Mason. My luck can’t be that bad that he’d show up there again.

  “Okay. I can go for a couple of drinks right about now.”

  “Great. I’m still at the office. Do you mind swinging by to pick me up?”

  She’s good at this kind of thing, and I’m playing into her hand. Nobody intimidates me, especially not some female who works under me.

  I shake off the worry and answer like the fucking self-assured confident DA I am. “Sure. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  “Perfect. See you soon.”

  I hang up and run my hand over my face. “Couple of drinks over work…nothing more.”

  What’s the harm in that?

  I roll over to block out the sun raging through my window to admire this beautiful woman standing naked in my bedroom. Dana lingers in the doorway, long black hair past her shoulders and aqua eyes that would have any man drop to his knees.

  Dana moved back to New York from Florida to work as a paralegal at Sanderson and Benz, LLP, a law firm located downtown. We reconnected when I saw her one night at the Bull and Bear, and we picked up where we left off, like five years never passed. She was a high school fling, college fling, and my current fling when we both need something on a sporadic basis.

  The attraction is there, but not the connection on an emotional level. Dana is a romantic and lives with her head in the clouds when it comes to relationships. She wants a man to conquer and dominate her, but at the same time, adore her. The fact I have trouble with commitment and Dana is looking for her Prince Charming are a couple of reasons why we won’t work as a couple. I’m not sure I want to be living up to those kinds of expectations hanging over my head. Plus, the whole friends with benefits thing has worked out pretty well for us. Why mess with a good thing?

  “Good morning.”

  “God,” I grumble. “What time is it?”

  “Whatever time you want,” she says as she gently rolls me onto my back and straddles me.

  “No, seriously, I’ve got a ton of things to do today, Dana. A ton.” I smile, feeling her finger tracing the ridges of my abs.

  “You can do me first,” she says, planting a kiss on my neck. “A little quickie.”

  “Again? You know there are no quickies with you.”

  “Or with you.” She grins seductively and leans over to nibble on my bottom lip.

  “Mmm…True,” I groan, feeling her grind on my lengthening cock. “I did you all night, and now it’s...”

  I’m unable to finish my thoughts, watching her slide gracefully down my body like a sultry feline while pulling away the black silk sheets. “Can I have this? It’s much better than having morning coffee.” She takes my cock and strokes it eagerly while licking her lips.

  “Yeah...Daa...Shit.”

  Pulling her hair away from her face, I stare as her tongue travels up and down my shaft, stroking me several times before she takes my cock slowly into her mouth. I close my eyes and thrust gently, listening to her moan as I tug at her hair.

  “Fuck, D.”

  I don’t know why I was going to ditch this with Dana. She gives the best blowjobs, putting one hundred ten percent into them. My balls tense, and my breathing grows ragged as she speeds up her pace over the next several minutes. I thrust one last time before I give her better than anything Starbucks has on their fucking menu.

  She slides back up my body, ready to do some more, and I oblige her since I’m not sure when the next female will be in my bed. We make the most of it and have a quickie before we get ready for work.

  Sifting through the clothes that are tossed all over my bedroom, I find my boxer briefs and slide them on. I peer out my bedroom window overlooking the street.

  “Hey, won’t it be four years since your sister’s accident?” she whispers, wrapping her arms around my waist from behind.

  “Yes, don’t remind me.” My voice breaks as I turn to her. Three weeks and Lily will be four. I hate that Meadow is not here to see how smart, sweet, and sassy she is.

  “I can’t believe no one came forward about the accident.”

  “You know I run that shit over and over in my head,” I reply, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring at the golden hardwoods under my bare feet. Meadow’s death ripped a painful hole inside me. The past four years have fed that hole with inevitable guilt. I missed her call. If it weren’t for that, she would be here. I can’t remember where I was or what I was doing. Was I at the bar? Was I doing something pointless when my phone rang? So many scenarios, so much blame. Her death was like someone cut out my heart with a knife, and the only person that has been able to mend it has been Lily. The moment I was able to hold my arms around that tiny baby, a piece of my sister, I was truly able to breathe again.

  I returned to the accident site that night, looking for something that would lead me to the asshole that would do something like this and walk away, but there was nothing. No skid marks, no clues, and no witnesses, which I found hard to believe. Even though it looked like my sister left from the back of the store and walked out front, someone had to have seen her. It’s a cold case, and I hate it. My sister deserves to rest in peace, and I need closure.

  “I’ve got to get ready. Do you mind showing yourself out?” I glance at Dana while she finishes getting dressed and collects her things.

  “I wish I could do something more to help you. Maybe I can talk to some more people at the firm.”

  “What the fuck are they gonna do? You’ve tried for me.” I frown. “I don’t want you to risk your career doing crazy shit. Supposedly nobody saw my sister get run over by anything or anyone.”

  “I know it still bothers you with her anniversary around the corner. I just feel there’s more I can do. I knew your sister. We graduated together. There has got to be something.”

  I push off the bed, reflecting on what avenues I haven’t gone down while trying to figure out my sister’s death. I go through this every July third.

  “The damn police department found nothing,” I complain, glaring out the window. No one came forward with any information. I was willing to give a twenty thousand dollar reward for any kind of information. Someone left my pregnant sister alone on the side of the road to die.

  There was only one other time I felt this kind of loss. The one and only time when my girlfriend, the woman I loved deep down to the fibers of my cells, left me. I should have fought harder for her, but I would’ve been holding her back. I couldn’t live with that either.

  What would I do if I saw her now? Would she want me? Would I still want her? Is she with someone else? What is it going to take for me to get over my pain? Is there someone out there that can help this dead feeling inside me disappear? Closing my eyes, I raise my face to the sun and allow my mind to drift to one of the last and most painful moments with her.

  The sound of the front door slamming and sight of her walking into the house hits me in the chest with dumbstruck desire. My eyes wander over her smooth body in a pair of white linen shorts and a black tank top. She’s a natura
l beauty, wearing no makeup. Her thick brown hair hangs over her tanned shoulders in sexy, loose braids, and when she looks up, I drink in her intelligent green eyes. I feel their warmth as they flood my insides with reverence and get me high on her beauty and strength. Even after two years together, she does this to me every time.

  I’m dying to wrap my arms around her and kiss her. She was gone for two days, spending time with her family. My life was at a standstill, waiting for her to get back. It’s been a tough few months for both of us, and I understand her need to get away.

  “Hey, baby,” she speaks in a soft voice.

  “Hey,” I say mildly, trying to feign calm. My heart is racing a mile a minute, sensing that something is off. She slips in front of me, pressing her body against mine and brushing her lips over mine. Her warmth seeps through me and thaws the ice that had settled in my veins while she was gone. My eyes fly to her as she walks into the living room, a slight smirk lines her pink lips as she gazes around the cluttered room, scattered with empty beer bottles and takeout containers. She hates when I leave messes, but I didn’t have it in me to do anything. I forced myself to work, to get through the days I didn’t hear from her, wondering if she was okay.

  Inhaling deeply and then exhaling, she turns to face me. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too,” I answer, staring at her face to help calm my heart. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes...I just had a couple of things to take care of.” Sadness flashes in her eyes like a dark cloud, stabbing me in the chest like a spear.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I’m uncertain what to make of her mood and her brief silence as I go to her and pull her closer to me, letting my eyes wander over her. “Talk to me.”

  She leans up to me, her lips caress mine like a feather. I tangle my fingers in her hair and tug gently, arching her neck so that her eyes are on me. I know the look in her eyes. It’s a look that sets my blood on fire, but there’s something more behind it.