Marx Girl

by T L Swan

  He smiles, as if reading my mind, and our lips touch again.

  Oh. This kiss is too good. Arousal starts to pump heavily through my body.

  “You fucking prick,” a voice growls.

  We both look up to see Eric, and my face falls.

  Oh, my God. I jump back. “E-Eric…” I stammer.

  He pushes Ben hard and he flies backward. “I fucking warned you!” he yells.

  “And I told you my intentions. Now, fuck off,” Ben growls.

  Eric pushes Ben again, and then, as if losing control, Ben comes forward and pushes him back.

  I glance around to realise that we are out the front of my work on the pavement. What the hell was I thinking?

  I kissed Ben… in public.

  “Stop it. Please,” I whisper as my eyes dart around guiltily.

  Eric punches Ben, and he flies back, knocking into a group of people.

  My hands fly over my mouth in horror. Oh, no. Ben recovers and steps forward. “That’s the first and last time you fucking hit me, prick,” Ben growls.

  Eric punches him again and Ben smiles sarcastically. “Is that the best you got, cunt?”

  My eyes widen in fear. Oh, no. Eric is trying to get himself killed.

  “Ben,” I whisper. “Please, don’t. Just leave it.”

  But it’s too late. He grabs Eric by the throat and punches him hard in the face, making him fall to the ground.

  “Stop it!” I yell. “Please, stop it,” I cry.

  Eric has gone psycho with rage, and he picks himself up to dive at Ben and tackle him to the ground. The sound of their bodies hitting the concrete is a loud thud.

  My hands fly to my mouth in horror. Oh, my God. My eyes fill with tears. “Stop it!” I cry as I look up into my office to see Bethany and the girls from downstairs all watching through the window, like it’s some kind of sporting match. I’m going to get fired.

  Eric’s got a death wish.

  What do I do? What do I do?

  They become really violent, as if trying to kill each other, and Eric rips Ben’s T-shirt.

  I look up and down the street and see a security guard from one of the shops three doors down from ours just inside his shop. I run down to him. “Help me. There’s a fight!” I cry.

  “Who’s fighting?” He frowns.

  “My two ex-boyfriends. Please, you have to break it up.” I grab his hand and drag him out the door and point to the two fucking idiots going blow for blow on the main street of town.

  He runs towards them, and I scrunch up my face, my eyes filling with tears as I step backwards.

  Ben has an obvious upper hand and Eric is in bad shape.

  Poor Eric. He didn’t deserve for me to treat him like this. I can’t stand that he saw us. Pain lances through my heart… he saw us kissing.

  I’m a bad person.

  I’ve hurt him, and now Ben is really hurting him.

  “Stop it,” I cry. “Ben. Stop it.” But they keep going and Eric is going crazy.

  I can’t watch this.

  I have to get away from here, from them.

  I turn and run up the street and dart into a restaurant to take a seat at the back corner. Tears are streaming down my face and I swipe them away angrily. I inhale deeply as I try to get some air into my lungs to calm myself down. I can’t believe that just happened. I pick up a menu to hide behind.

  “Have you decided what you want?” the waitress asks me a she arrives at the table.

  “Oh.” I fake a smile as I try to control my breathing. I’m in such a fluster that I don’t even know what restaurant I’m in. “Um. Can I have a Diet Coke, please? And I’ll just need a few minutes to look at the menu, if that’s okay.”

  “Sure, won’t be long.” She smiles before disappearing into the kitchen. My phone dances across the table, the name ‘Ben’ lighting up the screen.

  I put my hand over my mouth as my eyes fill with tears. I can’t do this to Eric. I’m not that person.

  I hit decline and pinch my lips as I think. It rings again, and I hit decline once more. I look out at the street and I see Ben stride past the restaurant on the phone as he looks around for me. I quickly scramble and hold the menu up to cover my face. My phone rings again, and then a text comes through from Ben.

  Where are you?

  Answer your phone.

  I slide down in my chair in despair. Oh, God.

  Go away. Please, go away, you are fucking everything up.

  My phone rings again and I put my head in my hands. I can’t deal with this fucking shit.

  “Just leave me alone,” I whisper.

  For five minutes, I stare into space as I try to process the last twenty-four hours.

  Where is Eric? Is he all right? Did he even survive? He’s probably gone to fucking hospital.

  I need to check on him. I dial Eric’s number and it rings for a moment, then it goes through to message bank. He declined my call.

  I put my head in my hands.

  This is one big fucking disaster.

  It’s 5:30 p.m. and I have suffered through the longest working day of my life.

  Ben keeps calling me, and Eric won’t answer mine. Thankfully, Tash and Abs are meeting me at Oscar’s in ten minutes. I need to vent. I really wish I was going out with them tonight, but I have this damn work thing on. Coffee will have to do. I walk down the steps, out onto the curb.

  “So, I’ll pick you up at eight?” Louisa double-checks as she shovels a chocolate muffin into her mouth.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I frown. “Where are we going again?”

  “Amigos.”

  I raise my eyebrows. “At least they have good margaritas there.” I sigh as we begin to walk up the road.

  “Oh. He’s back,” Louisa whispers.

  I frown. “Who?”

  “Cap guy.” She gestures across the road, and I look up to see Ben leaning against the building opposite ours.

  I narrow my eyes in anger. “He can fucking stay there. I’m so off him. Throw your muffin at his head.” I link my arm with hers. “Come on, let’s go.” I begin to walk faster, and Ben pushes off the wall and crosses the street to join us.

  “Just walk past him,” I whisper.

  “Are you fucking crazy?” Louisa whispers. “He’s gorgeous.”

  “He’s also a fucking twat. Keep walking.”

  “Who cares if he’s a twat if you get to look at him naked. Just tape his mouth shut.”

  I drop my head to hide my smile. This isn’t the time to get the giggles. “Will you shut the hell up?” I whisper. “Keep walking.”

  “Bridget,” he snaps as I approach him.

  “Go away, Ben,” I reply as we walk past him

  “No,” he calls from behind us.

  “Keep walking,” I whisper.

  “Do I have to?” Louisa whispers as she tries to turn her head to look at him. “He’s fucking smoking.” She tries to stop me walking, tugging on our linked arms, and I pull away and turn to face him. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.

  Tears threaten to fall because I’m so mad at him… but more than that, I’m furious at myself for caring about this self-absorbed asshole. “Did you have to hit him?” I shake my head as my eyes fill with tears. “Did it make you feel like a big man, Ben?”

  His jaw clenches in anger. “He hit me first.”

  My eyebrows rise in surprise. “We were kissing!” I cry. “What did you expect?”

  His eyes search mine.

  Louisa looks between us. “Oh what…wait…you kissed?” she asks, wide-eyed. “You didn’t tell me that part.”

  Ben glares at her and she withers and signals up the road with her thumb. “I just might go then.” She looks between us.

  “Good idea,” Ben replies with his eyes fixed firmly on me.

  I point at him. “Don’t you dare be rude to my friends,” I snap.

  He rolls his eyes and Louisa scurries up the road. “Bye,” she calls over her shoulder. “I’m Louisa,
by the way. Nice to meet you.” She waves with a smile.

  He watches her walk away for a while, and then his eyes turn to me. We stand in silence for a moment.

  “I didn’t mean to hit him,” he eventually replies.

  “But you did.”

  His jaw clenches. “You said that you broke up.”

  I shake my head. Honestly, is he emotionally disabled? “Do you have any empathy for anyone at all?” I ask.

  His brow furrows.

  “We broke up this week, Ben… because of you.” My eyes fill with tears because it hurts to say this out loud. “How do you think it felt for him to see me kissing you?” Oh, God, I just can’t stand the thought of it.

  Fury crosses his face. “Don’t give me that shit, Bridget. I know exactly how it feels to watch you kiss someone else. It fucking hurts!” he cries.

  My heart drops and I wince because this is a nightmare that keeps on giving. “Ben.” I shake my head and take a step back from him. I need some distance. “You need to leave.” I swipe my tears away angrily. “You’re too late; you had your chance and you threw me away.”

  “I did not throw you away!” he yells. “I would never throw you away.”

  I watch him for a moment as regret sits heavily in my stomach. “We’re done, Ben. It’s over. I thought we could be friends, but it’s obvious we can’t be.” I drop my head and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “I just can’t do this with you. I can’t go through this shit again. I had a normal life two weeks ago.”

  “Bridget.” He steps towards me, and with one quick movement, I’m in his arms. “Don’t say that, baby. We can’t be over,” he whispers against my temple.

  I screw up my face. He feels so safe and warm. I want to stay here, but then I get an image of poor Eric and his broken heart, and I find myself pulling from Ben’s grip. “Don’t touch me. Please. Just… leave me alone. I can’t do this.” With one last look, I turn and storm up the street, and as I turn the corner I glance back to see him standing still on the spot, head down, hands in his pockets.

  He looks angry… and sad.

  That makes two of us.

  Twenty minutes later, I walk into Oscar’s to see Abbie and Tash in the back corner sitting in a bench seat. I put my hand on Max’s shoulder and bend to kiss his cheek as I walk by his table. “Hi, Max.”

  “Hey, Didge.” He smiles as he puts his hand over mine on his shoulder.

  I walk over and flop onto the bench seat. “Hi.”

  They both smile.

  “Well, my life is a fucking disaster.” I sigh as I snatch the menu from Abbie. “Give me every damn chocolate cake on the menu,” I snap as I lie back in the seat.

  Abbie and Tash exchange looks. “What’s wrong?” Tash frowns.

  I throw my hands in the air. “Oh, where do I start? I went out to dinner with Ben last night.”

  Their eyes widen. “You did?” Tash smiles excitedly and begins to tap the palms of her hands on the table like she’s playing the drums.

  “Did you fuck him? Please tell me you fucked him,” Abbie says.

  “No, I did not fuck him, Abbie. My world doesn’t revolve around fucking because I’m not a slut!” I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration.

  Abbie rolls her eyes. “God, you’re so dramatic today.”

  Tash laughs. “What happened then?”

  “Nothing. We went out and he dropped me home and it was all great.” I shake my head. “Better than great.”

  Their faces fall in confusion. “So, what’s the problem?” Tash asks.

  “He turns up at my work today, being all fucking sexy and bringing me éclairs, and we kiss in the street. The next minute, Eric is there and sees the whole damn thing.”

  They frown as they listen.

  “Oh no,” Tash whispers.

  “And then Eric called Ben a prick, Ben called Eric a cunt, and then I don’t know what happened next but then they were punching the living shit out of each other outside the front of my work.”

  Tash’s eyes widen, and she puts her hands over her mouth in horror.

  “Rolling around on the fucking concrete.” I shake my head in disbelief. “It was appalling. “

  “Is Eric all right?” Tash whispers.

  “I don’t know because he won’t answer my calls.” I put my head into my hands. “He officially hates me.”

  “Shit,” Tash whispers

  “What’s Ben doing?” Abbie asks. “As long as he doesn’t hate you.”

  “Being a fucking jackass, that’s what he’s doing. I wish he hated me. He turns up after work today and cuddles me and he nearly got me again. He’s turning me into a queen bitch slut hoe.”

  Our coffees arrive, and the girls take them while I put mine in front of me.

  I take a sip of my coffee and shake my head. “I don’t cheat.”

  “Being a queen bitch is fun, and you broke up, remember? You weren’t technically together anymore,” Abbie interjects.

  Tash points at me. “This is true.”

  “You should have seen his face.” I sigh sadly. “He was so hurt.”

  Tash’s face falls. “Poor Eric. That’s totally shit.” She shakes her head in disgust. “What the hell were you thinking?” she asks.

  “Oh, he’ll get over it. He’s probably balls-deep in some hooker right about now,” Abbie replies casually as she blows on her coffee.

  “Will you shut up?” Natasha frowns. “You are not helping one little bit.”

  Abbie sips her coffee. “You two are so fucking touchy tonight. Take a chill pill.”

  I press my head into my hands. “And now I have to go to a stupid work drinks thing and pretend I want to be there, when all I really want to do is see if Eric is all right.”

  Abbie frowns. “I’m confused. Who do you actually like?”

  Tash nods. “Me, too. Is it Eric or Ben?”

  “Oh, God.” I put my head into my hands. “I want to like Eric.” I sip my coffee sadly. “Eric is perfect for me.”

  “But you don’t?” Tash asks.

  “Ben is such an asshole,” I mutter.

  “That wasn’t what I asked,” she continues.

  “Who does it for you physically?” Abbie asks. “You know, gives you goose bumps?”

  I look at her, deadpan.

  “Well, who are you thinking about before you go to sleep?” Tash asks.

  I roll my eyes. “That’s the point. I don’t want to be thinking about him.” I sigh sadly. “And he told me last night a little about his past and it has me feeling all vulnerable and needy.”

  “What did he tell you?” Tash frowns.

  I look around guiltily. “You can’t say anything, because I don’t even think Joshua knows.”

  “Promise,” they both say as they lean over the table to listen.

  “He had a twin sister and she was murdered when they were twelve, and then his dad committed suicide twelve months later.”

  They both gasp.

  “His mother enrolled him in the army when he was just fifteen because she was dying of cancer.”

  “Oh, God,” Tash whispers.

  “Fuck’s sake,” Abbie mutters under her breath.

  “You know, I just wanted to spend some time with him, but after he hit Eric today… I honestly don’t want to be around him.”

  “Why don’t you want to be around him?” Abbie asks. “Think about it… If you didn’t have Eric on your conscience, would you want to spend time with him?”

  I shrug sadly. “But I do have Eric on my conscience.” I sip my coffee. “And however you look at it, Ben is emotionally fucked up. He will probably run in the middle of the night again. I would have to be stupid to go back to him.”

  They both nod as they listen. “This is true,” Abbie concedes.

  We all sit and drink our coffee in silence as we think.

  “You know, Ben has issues. Deep-rooted issues, and I don’t know if he can be fixed. He could be broken forever. Do I really want to be w
ith someone who is broken when I’m twenty-seven years old?” I shrug. “I deserve better than a guy who shows up after five years, demanding I give him a second chance, beating up my boyfriend… regardless of his past.”

  The both nod in agreement.

  I exhale heavily and put my head into my hands. “Three weeks ago I was happy and slowly falling in love, and now…” My voice trails off.

  “You weren’t happy, Didge,” Abbie says. “Eric doesn’t make you happy, he makes you feel safe. There’s a big difference.”

  Tears fill my eyes because I know she’s right. I hate myself for letting Eric fall in love with me. I put my head into my hands.

  “I reckon you just need to stay away from both of them,” Tash suggests as she rubs my leg sympathetically under the table. “Let the dust settle for a while.”

  I nod. “Yeah, I guess.” I sip my coffee. “Why are the wrong guys so appealing?” I sigh.

  “Because bad boys are really good in bed. I mean, let’s face it, nice guys do not know how to fuck you raw. They’re too worried about hurting you,” Abbie offers as she holds her coffee cup in the air for a toast. I smile sadly and raise my coffee cup to hers and Natasha’s.

  “To bad boys with big bad dicks.” Abbie smiles.

  I laugh and shake my head as we clink coffee cups. “Only you, Abbie. Only you.”

  It’s 9:00 p.m. and we are at the bar, Amigos. I dragged myself here and I’m feeling so flat. Eric hasn’t answered my calls and Ben has stopped calling.

  Abbie’s words keep going over and over in my mind

  “Eric doesn’t make you happy, he makes you feel safe. There’s a big difference.”

  She’s right. I don’t think I would have ever fallen in love with Eric, as much as I cared for him. I’m sad about it. I’m sad about the fact that I know I’m in love with Ben.

  I think I have been since we were together five years ago, and maybe that’s the reason why I can’t move on with anyone else.

  My heart is already taken.

  And it’s shit, because he isn’t the type of person who I can bank my whole future on. Even though I desperately wish he was.

  Our kiss in the street keeps replaying through my mind.

  It was as if my body was coming alive again. I haven’t felt like that for a really, really long time. If I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve not felt like that since Ben left me.