by Bec Botefuhr
“I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” He murmurs into my hair.
“Me too.” I whisper.
He pulls me back and looks at me. “You look like shit Jade.”
I force a weak smile. “It’s been a long few months.”
His gaze travels to my belly again, and he reaches out to lightly stroke his fingers over it.
“You make a beautiful pregnant wife.”
I hiccup and my tears flow again.
“Come on, let’s get you out of this sun.”
He takes my arm and leads me into the little village. I gasp and peer around; it’s beautiful. Single huts, made of wood and bark; they all have their own little decks. In the middle is a large open dining area, with a kitchen set up for cooking. Tables and chairs line the open space. Jax leads me to a bigger hut, and we walk inside. I gape at the beautiful way it has been set out.
It’s very tropical, that is my first impression. A bed sits in the middle, a king size by the looks of it. Off to one side is a small couch and television. At the front of the hut, is a kitchenette, with basic facilities. A toilet and bathroom is off to the side, covered in by a small door. I can see it has been decked out with blue and yellow sea shells. It reminds me of a beachside resort.
Jax walks me in and puts my bags down. I sit on the couch and peer up at him. Nothing about my husband has changed. He still has those rugged, manly features. Full lips, dazzling green eyes, olive skin, square jaw. He is still all rippled and built, his muscles moving when he does. He is gorgeous, far too gorgeous for me. He steps forward and strokes a thumb across my bottom lip.
“I am going to settle Lilly in. You unpack, take your time and I will come back. We have to get this talking over and done with.”
I nod weakly. “Is this your room Jax?”
“Yeah, you can stay here though.”
“Thanks.”
He stares at me for another long, long moment before walking out. I unpack my things, have a quick shower and slide into one of Jax’s shirts I find lying on the bed. I breathe in his scent. I need comfort, need to feel some sort of relief. Jax comes back an hour later and finds me curled up on his bed, staring out the window. He shuts the door and sits down, staring long and hard at me.
“How are we going to do this?”
“From the start.” I whisper.
“You wanna go first?”
I nod and swallow.
“I am going to just tell you everything I know Jax. When I met you, I fell hard and fast for you. You told me you didn’t do love and I didn’t listen. My heart broke. Then I got on that ship, and you said you would give me a chance, again, I sought love…all I wanted was love. When you got hurt by Bill and decided you needed time, I was devastated, so devastated. One, I thought you were dead and two…when you came back I thought we loved each other enough for me to help you, but you just left. I don’t think I ever truly got over that.”
My voice chokes and he nods me on.
“So, I moved away, began my life again and you came back. I was happy Jax, with you. I finally saw the love in your eyes, and you asked me to marry you and nothing could ever say how that made me feel. That wedding day, it was beautiful. Then, you found out about Ben, and you just bolted again. You never give me a chance, never let me explain or had any faith in me. You just run, and every time you do, you kill a little part of me.”
I am sobbing now, but I continue.
“I realized in the past few weeks that all I wanted from you was love. I always feel like I am not good enough for you; you run every time the going gets tough, and I think…well…that I am just not good enough. You move on, have sex with other women. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t.”
“No,” He chokes. “No.”
“Yes, if I was we would not be having this conversation. All I do is try and please you, protect you, shelter you from being hurt. I went to Ben because I didn’t want you hurt; I didn’t want Lilly hurt. If somebody was going to die, it was going to be me. I did it because I loved you, not because I was trying to hurt you. And you never gave me a chance; again you left me…all alone. I can’t help thinking I am just not what you need, you loved me; I could see that and I took it for granted, always wanting more. I know that. I should have seen the small things you did, but then you would run and it would start all over again. I love you Jax, with everything in my tiny body and soul. You are my hero.”
He chokes out a strangled sound and puts his head in his hands. A long moment passes and he looks up at me.
“You have to understand some things about me kid, and it’s my fault I never just sat down and told you. My mother left me, when I was five years old. She left me alone to learn how to be a pirate for Christ sakes. I wasn’t good enough for her; I was the child she didn’t want.”
“Oh Jax no.”
He holds up a hand. “Then, I ended up with Bill, and nobody came for me. My father accepted my choice and just let me go. I was so angry with him. When I finally got back on the ship, and he went missing I started gaining control in my life. I had never had it before. I became Captain, and I had the higher power. It's about control Jade. When I first met you in the pub, I fell hard for you and I was losing control, so I ran. Then, when you held me after what Bill did to me, and were so…accepting…. I was losing control again; you were softening me, changing everything, so I ran.”
“And with Ben, I did something you didn’t have control over…”
He nods. “So I ran.”
I close my eyes; it makes so much sense to me now….so much sense.
“The other women, Bella, Sammy…they were fill ins. I cared for Bella yes; I married her young and it was a mistake, but as soon as I lost control of her, I divorced her. Sammy was fun because she let me do whatever I wanted, but as soon as she wanted to marry and settle, I left her. Granted, I was still in love with you, so I had good reason to, but the message is all the same.”
“Oh Jax. You should know something; you have this thing about you, this vibe that gives you immense control over so many things. I never tried to take your control, I just tested it. You have to let people in and realize that when you do, you are an extraordinary person. You’re a gorgeous husband, friend, father…you can be so wonderful. You can have that and keep your control.”
“No.” He whispers.
“You are a good person Jax, why can’t you just see that you can be an amazing person?”
“I don’t know.”
“Tell me…why did you tell me about that girl?” My voice comes out strained.
“I didn’t want any more lies. I was hurting, but it was no excuse for me to hurt you back. I didn’t do it for that, at least not consciously. I regret what I did; I don’t remember it, but I regret it.”
“Do you really not remember?”
“No, not except meeting her in the bar and chatting with her. I was so drunk. Most I have ever been in my life.”
“You broke my heart.” I whisper.
“And you broke mine.”
“Can we get past that?”
He looks deep into my eyes. “Do you want to get past it?”
“With every bone in my body. You are the best thing in my life Jax; we have one and nearly two incredible kids. I have loved you from the minute I set eyes on you and I don’t want to be without you.”
He softens and makes an odd sound. “Can you forgive me?”
“Can you forgive me?”
He steps forward and takes my cheek in his hand. “I already have.”
CHAPTER 2
Jax and I sit talking for hours going over everything that has happened, when we have drained it all out, he stands.
“You hungry?”
“I’m always hungry.” I smile, looking down at my belly.
“A baby huh? God, that is kinda scary.”
“Did I tell you it’s a boy?”
He stiffens and his eyes grow weary. “A boy?”
“Yep.”
“Shit. Wow.”
> “You will be good at this Jax. You’re a great dad to Lilly.”
He smiles, and then kisses my head.
“Stay here, I will get some food.”
He leaves and I get myself a glass of water before sitting at the small kitchenette. Jax returns a few minutes later with some food. He sets two plates down on the table, and I am suddenly starving. I sit down and smile at him; he gives me a half grin.
“Eat up, don’t let my boy starve.”
“What about me?” I grumble.
“Well…”
I poke my tongue out at him, and then look down at my plate. Wow, it looks great. I slice the fresh roast beef and pop it into my mouth, moaning.
“Mmmm. The food out here's amazing.”
Jax raises an eyebrow. “Anyone would think you just had an orgasm.”
I snort and choke on my food. “Jax!”
“Well, you should have heard your moan.”
I shake my head and give him a stern look, before continuing to eat my food. He follows suit, and when we are done, I gather the plates and wash them up. He comes up and stands beside me, gripping my arms and turning me so my face is pressed to his chest. He holds me, just holds me. I am surprised, but an instant flow of warmth trails over me and I sink into him. When he pulls back, I frown.
“What was that for?”
“Just a cuddle, you deserve a cuddle.”
“You don’t cuddle Watts.” I tease, it’s an old joke.
He grins. “Only with you, it’s the law.”
“The law?”
“The Jade law.”
I giggle and plonk onto the bed; my face goes serious after a moment and I want to ask him something.
“Ask Jade, I can see you want to.”
I fumble with my fingers; he sits beside me and nudges me. “Ask.”
“Jax when…I had that camera inside me, and you could see everything. How did you feel?”
He visibly tenses. “I have never been so scared in my entire life. It was like watching a horror movie. I screamed, kicked the television, and cried…we all did. It was awful, watching you scream, run, hearing your breathing when you were scared…”
“I’m so sorry, I got what I deserved.”
“Nobody deserves that.”
“I did, I lied, and karma bit me in the ass.”
He grasps my chin. “You were trying to save your family, and in some stupid attempt at protection, you were trying to save me.”
Tears stream down my face.
“In all my efforts, I lost you anyway. I was so happy on our wedding night, you…God you have given me everything I ever dreamed. I am so madly in love with you.”
“You always have been, it warms me to know you love me so much.”
“I loved you the minute you scared James off, all those years ago at the palace.”
Jax laughs. “Yeah, that was memorable.”
“And when you snuck into my room and made love to me for the first time.”
“And you asked all those blasted questions, you just about killed me.”
I laugh. “Hey, I was new at it.”
He strokes my cheek. “You made my life different. I will never forget that.”
“Jax?”
“Hmm.”
“Will you make love to me?”
He stiffens. “No.”
“No?” I stammer.
“It’s all it has ever been about Jade, us fucking. I can’t…we need to do this for a while without it.”
“Please,” I murmur leaning forward and pressing my lips against his. “I need you.”
“Jade…”
“Please Jax, make love to me. It’s been so long, and I want you.”
He closes his eyes, fighting God knows what inside himself. He grips my hips and positions me over his lap then spreads my legs apart. Reaching down, he slides his fingers under my panties and strokes. I moan into him as he presses his mouth against mine. I feel him harden beneath me, and I am desperate to just force the issue by unbuttoning his jeans, but I don’t. He slides one finger inside me, and I hiss through my teeth, then he pushes another in. With his thumb, he strokes the outside while his fingers thrust on the inside.
“Come for me.” He breathes into my ear.
I do, with his words, I explode around him. I grip his shoulders and groan as shudders rack me. When he removes his hand, I expect more, but he doesn’t move. I look at him, and he is having that internal battle again. I shift my hips on him, and he growls. Then, he grips them and holds them still.
“Stop forcing me to fuck you Jade, I said no…”
I feel as though he has slapped me. I slide off him and look down at my hands; I am so ashamed of myself. He doesn’t want me.
“Don’t be hurt, I told you why. It’s not that I don’t want to, look at me!” He orders.
I don’t.
“Jade, look at me.”
I look up at him, my lips quivers. He takes my hand and puts it on his extremely hard erection.
“You can clearly see I want to but, God, I can’t Jade. Just respect that, if I make love to you, it is going to complicate everything again. We need time.”
“Then why did you touch me?” I cry, leaping up.
“Because, you wanted me to and you needed it.”
I snort. “Whatever, I don’t need this.”
“Don’t run, you are not running every time something goes wrong. Face it!”
“Face your rejection? How do you suppose I face it when I am so embarrassed?”
He sighs and stands, taking me into his arms.
“Don’t be, I don’t think you are stupid and I didn’t reject you.”
“Yes you did.” I cry into his shirt.
“No, if I was rejecting you, I wouldn’t have touched you.”
“So what do you want to do? What do you want me here for?” I snap.
He squeezes my cheeks. “I am going to talk with you.”
I groan and stomp my foot. “I don’t want to talk.”
“Tough, do you want me to tie you up, because I will?”
“If you like.” I purr.
“Stop that.”
I frown. “You are getting old and cruddy.”
He laughs and pulls me down onto the couch. We sit, and I put my head in his lap, he strokes my hair as we chat for hours. It feels good, right even. I fall asleep, and I feel Jax move out after a while. Soon after, I hear a knock at his door. I hear him slip outside, and I prick my ears to listen.
“Jax, you haven't come and seen me today.”
It’s a female voice, heavily accented.
“My wife is back.”
“What, why?”
She sounds upset.
“She is pregnant; she wanted to be with me.”
“But…I want to be with you.”
“Kumar, I have told you. I am not available.”
“But you kissed me.”
He what? I stand and storm out of the hut. Jax sees me and flinches. I turn and glare at him.
“You ass Jax!”
I am about to step down when he reaches out for me. I pull my arm from his grips and stomp down the stairs.
“Jade, get up here now.”
“No.” I say, walking further into the night.
“Lilyahna Jade Watts, get your fucking ass back up here now or so help me God I will come down there and bring you back myself.”
His tone is icy. Oh, he is angry. Marvelous. I pause and turn, liking that he used our married name when he called out to me.
“I said, no.”
He growls. “Kumar, go back to your hut right now. Don’t argue with me. I kissed you; it was a peck. It was nothing. NOTHING. I have no interest in you now please LEAVE.”
She pouts and walks down the stairs. As she goes by, I see she is pretty, dark eyes, hair and skin. Very native looking.
“Jade, you have three seconds to get up here or I am coming down there to get you.” Jax calls out when she is gone.
&nb
sp; I snort and turn. He is down the stairs in seconds and I giggle, ok he is so mad, but it’s kind of funny. I dodge him and he growls, spinning around. I dodge him again.
“Jade I am going to take you over my knee if you do not stop. Now get up stairs.”
“No.” I laugh.
“This isn't fucking funny.”
I laugh louder and dodge him again, on the third go he lunges at me, and we fall to the ground. I am in hysterics now. He carries me into the hut and throws me over his knee. I am laughing, so hard tears are falling from my eyes.
“Stop it.” I giggle.
He lifts his shirt, which I am wearing and runs his hand over my backside then lifts it and brings it down hard. I yelp. I am still giggling though, so he does it again.
“Stop Jax, you can’t spank me.”
“Can and will.” He mutters, bringing his hand down again.
“OW!”
“Say sorry.”
“You say sorry.”
He slaps me again, and I laugh once more.
“Say sorry, it will only get harder.” He orders.
“NO!”
He slaps me and this time it stings, I let out a scream and stop laughing.
“Say sorry.”
“Get fucked.”
He slaps me again and tears spring to my eyes.
“Jade…”
“I said, get fucked.”
The next slap causes my voice to choke; I won’t give in. He can slap me until his hand is red raw, but I will not say sorry. I am kicking his control issues to the curb.
“One more chance?”
“Get…”
He slaps me really hard, and I cry out, tears pour down my cheeks and drip onto his legs.
“God Dammit you stubborn woman! Just say sorry.”
“I will not, so slap away.” I choke through my tears.
He mutters a curse and pulls me up, holding me close to his chest.
“God Damn, you will be the death of me.”
“You need to give up your control issues Jax, and if that means you spank me until you lose that, then fine.”
“God, you stupid girl.”
