More of You

by Gretchen Tubbs

  “That’s what this is about. You went to her first. Did you pour your heart out to her? Did you seek her out for comfort? Did she make you feel better? Did she make those horrible memories go away? Did you fuck her, too? I thought that night was special for us. Now every time I think about the first time you told me you love me, I’ll think about the fact that you spent the whole day with her, doing God knows what.”

  “It wasn’t like that, I swear. That’s not why I went to see her at the loft that day. I only went there because I knew I could score some weed. She doesn’t know any of that other stuff. She knows nothing about my past. You’re the only person I have ever told any of that to. Christ, Maggie, you’re the only person I have ever loved.”

  I laugh, but there is no humor in the sound. “You have a funny way of showing it.” I lay back down, curling into a protective ball. I just want to go to sleep and pretend today never happened.

  “Go home, Finn.”

  “I’m not leaving here without you, Maggie. It’s not home without you.”

  “You’re not staying here. I need to be alone. I have a lot to think about. Please, Finn, just go.”

  I feel him leave the side of the bed, but he pauses by the door.

  “You promised you wouldn’t do this to us.” His voice is broken. Utterly defeated.

  “And you promised you wouldn’t lie. Go home.”

  “Táim i ngrá leat.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I can’t eat. I can’t get out of my bed. I can’t do anything but cry, sleep, and miss Finn. I get up once over the course of the week, and that’s to go to an appointment with Dr. Redmond. It’s the first time I go without Finn, and it hurts me to do it. My mind keeps drifting back to that very first appointment, thinking about how much has happened between us in such a short amount of time. Momma comes with me because I’m not even sure I’m capable of driving myself. I don’t even know what happened at the appointment. My mind isn’t registering information that’s coming in.

  I feel dead inside.

  There is a huge, gaping hole that exists where my heart used to reside.

  I cannot function without Finnian Thomas O’Leary in my life.

  When I told him it would destroy me to lose him, I didn’t know what it would actually feel like.

  Until now.

  For the first three days, I can hear Finn downstairs, pleading with Momma to let him upstairs to see me. Each time she comes up to my room to ask permission, I beg and plead with her to send him away. She tries to convince me otherwise, but I can’t handle seeing him. I threaten to leave her house and check into a hotel where no one can find me if she lets him up here. My health is taking a nose dive, so it scares her not to have me here where she can keep an eye on me. So, every day, she goes back down and tells Finn to go home, that I’m not ready to see him. My phone doesn’t stop ringing for hours after each attempt. I can’t answer it. I just hold it to my aching chest and cry. I don’t understand how the human body has the capability to produce so many tears. I just want them to stop, but they never do.

  Despite the fact that I won’t see him or answer his calls, he texts each day, sometimes several times a day. My phone stays clutched in my hand. I refuse to let go of it, even in sleep. I never text back, but I need his words to keep the small sliver of sanity I’m still clinging to. Sometimes the texts are about the babies, but they are mostly about us. I read them over and over. I have memorized each word, searing them onto my brain. They play on a continuous loop through my mind at all hours of the day and night.

  Finn: Táim i ngrá leat

  Finn: I miss you and my babies.

  Finn: I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to win back your love.

  Finn: You can’t give up on us. I swear on our children, Magpie, I didn’t do anything with her. I would never do that to you. You are everything to me. You are my world.

  Finn: I need to read to them. They need to hear my voice. If I call, will you put the phone to your belly? We don’t have to talk, I promise. I’ll give you the space you need.

  The phone starts ringing a few seconds later and I pick it up before the first ring is finished. When his rich voice comes over the line I can’t hold back the rush of tears that explode from me. It’s like a dam breaking.

  “I’m sorry, Magpie. Please don’t cry. This is killing me.” His voice drops to a level I can barely hear. “I’ve never felt a pain like this before, not even when my Da died.” He pauses for a second, and I can hear him moving around, and then clearing his throat. “If you’ll put the phone to your belly, I’ll read to them and say goodnight. I love you, Magpie. I hope we can talk soon.”

  I’m selfish, so I don’t put it on my belly for them to hear. I put it on speaker. I know this is for the babies, but I need to hear him, too. I need to hear his voice like I need to take my next breath. I get settled back against the headboard of my childhood bed, letting the melodic sound of Finn’s rich voice lull me into a peaceful trance. I feel my body relax for the first time all week. The babies are moving around lazily, and I feel a sense of contentment. I can’t stop the tears from escaping. I need to go talk to him and try to clear the air. I don’t think any man who was cheating would go through all of this, making the effort that he’s making. I’ve talked to the Troy and Landon, and they say he’s just as miserable as I am. He’s been camped out at their apartment all week, trying to get them to intervene. They don’t think for one second that he would do anything to jeopardize what the two of us have.

  As he nears the end of the now familiar story of Tuan Mac Cairill, I cut off his words.

  “Irish,” I can barely get out.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think I can come over tomorrow morning?” My voice is shaking, hardly audible.

  “Of course, Magpie. You don’t even have to ask.”

  “Umm, can you come pick me up?” I pause for a second, thinking. “God, I don’t even know where my car is.”

  He laughs a humorless laugh. “It’s here. Troy and I brought it home from the shop. I’ll be there at ten. Does that work for you?”

  “Yeah. I’ll see you then.”

  “It can’t come fast enough, Magpie. I love you.” He waits for me to say it back. I don’t have the courage to say it back. After a few tense moments the line goes dead.

  I’m nervous as hell when I get up, but equally excited. I hope that this can come to an end. I know I just have to say the word, and it will all be over. I don’t want a life without Finn. I just need to see him and know that he’s telling the truth. If I can get my brain, heart, and hormones in sync, all will be right in the world of Finn and Maggie.

  I make an attempt to pull myself together. I look terrible. A week of crying, headaches, and not eating will do that to a person. Add being twenty-nine weeks pregnant to the mix, and I don’t stand a chance. When I walk downstairs, Momma and Ava are at the island working on her school work. Ava’s excited that she’s going to see Finn. Momma looks serious, so I brace myself for what she’s about to hit me with.

  “Mags, please listen to what he has to say and find it in your heart to forgive him. Think about your babies.”

  I just nod. I launched into the whole reason for this break a few nights ago, skipping over some of the more colorful parts that I’m sure Momma didn’t need to hear about. She doesn’t think he did anything with Stephanie. If I push my pregnancy insecurities aside, I don’t think he did, either. It’s just hard to be logical about our relationship when it started out with him cheating on Stephanie with me. Once a cheater…

  “I am, Momma. That’s why I’m going home today. We’ll figure this out.”

  “Please do. You never know how long you have with someone,” she adds with a whisper, obviously thinking about Daddy.

  I hear the familiar sound of my car pulling into the driveway and my heart starts working overtime. Ava jumps down from her stool to let him in. I have to brace myself against the counter so I don’t pass
out. I miss him so much.

  I hear Ava’s laugh. “Finn, you look like Bennett.”

  I look towards the door to see why on Earth she would say that. The two of them look nothing alike. When my eyes land on his face, I see why she’s saying it. Finn obviously hasn’t shaved since the last morning I saw him. His face is covered in thick black stubble. I’ve never seen him with facial hair, he’s always clean shaven. He looks like a pirate. A devilishly handsome pirate that you would see on the cover of an old romance novel.

  He just laughs at Ava’s comparison and runs his hand up and down his face, as if he forgot the stubble was there. He grabs her chubby little hand and opens her palm, rubbing it back and forth over the stubble along his chin, causing her giggling to start up again. It brings a smile to my face. My Daddy used to do the same thing to me and Goose when we were kids.

  I don’t say anything to anyone in the room, just push past them all and walk out the front door. I don’t trust myself to speak yet. I need to get outside and get some fresh air. When I hear the door shut I turn around. Finn’s walking towards me, his eyes red. When he gets to me we push our bodies together, unable to resist it for a second longer. After a few minutes of us clinging to each other he pulls back and looks at me, rubbing my cheek.

  “I’m so sorry. Look what I’ve done to you.”

  I laugh. The sensation feels foreign leaving my body, but it feels good. I haven’t laughed in a week.

  “If you’re trying to win me back, telling me I look like shit isn’t a good way to do it, Irish. You don’t look so hot yourself, either. Have you been sleeping?” He’s got huge dark circles under his eyes. It’s not from drinking and drugs, like I’ve seen in the past. He looks exhausted.

  “No. I don’t sleep very good without you.” He pulls me back in for another hug, one hand resting on the top of my head, the other rubbing circles along the sides of my belly. “My babies have grown.”

  “Let’s go home where we can talk.”

  We don’t say anything in the car. He holds my hand against his leg, face up, using his thumb to draw patterns into my palm. I don’t pull away this time. I need that tiny, familiar connection to Finn. I keep my face turned to the window, trying to hide the steady flow of tears from him. This hurts so much. Now that I’m with him, I realize that I was probably a little rash in my decision to walk away from him.

  When we get to the apartment I go straight to the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator. My babies’ pictures are still there to greet me, along with the ‘article’ Finn wrote, and the picture he snapped of us before our first official date. I notice that our blank rules page isn’t blank anymore. I pull it off the shiny surface and hold it in my shaking hands.

  Maggie’s Rules Regarding Finn

  1. Don’t ever run away. Stay and talk things out, no matter how tough.

  2. Trust Finn 110%. Know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. You’re his entire universe.

  3. Never doubt Finn’s love for you. It’s the strongest love you’ll ever know.

  4. Love Finn with the same intensity he loves you with.

  5. Listen to Móraí.

  I turn around, still clutching to the piece of paper that has prompted even more tears, but I don’t see Finn. I thought for sure he’d be right behind me. I make my way through the apartment, but he’s not in either of our bedrooms. Confused, I notice the third bedroom’s door is pushed open, so I continue down the hallway. When I get closer and peer inside the room, it literally steals my breath away.

  Finn’s standing in the middle of the room with a smile spread across his tired face. The room is completely finished. There is not a single thing out of place. I walk to meet him, turning in slow circles to take everything in. The once dull, white walls have been transformed into the quaint Irish countryside. My brain skips back in time to our first date, where Finn shared all of his artwork with me. The same images from his canvases portraying Loughrea are now in mural form in our babies’ nursery. Hills, stone ruins, sheep, his family’s home, and lush trees are adorning the walls. Two cribs form a V in one corner, encased in all white bedding. Lavish Aran blankets are draped over the side railings of each one. The most opulent tree in the entire room is hovering between the two cribs, situated in the corner between the two of them. I smile when I take notice of the nest hidden in the top of the tree. There’s a magpie sitting in the nest, keeping a watchful eye over both cribs.

  “You’ve been busy, Irish,” I tell him when I gain back the ability to speak. I am overwhelmed by this gesture. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine our babies having a room like this.

  “This is perfect,” I continue. “I didn’t know this was what I wanted, but it is. I love this room. The babies will love it, too.”

  “I’m glad.” He walks over to me and pulls the rules out of my hand. “I see you found your rules.”

  “I did. These are perfect, too,” I tell him, smiling.

  “You do recall, Magpie, that once things are written on the Official Rule Paper they have to be followed.”

  “I need some further clarification on number five. What exactly am I listening to Móraí about?”

  He gives me a devilish smirk. “I think you know. Móraí gave you some very specific instructions when the two of you spoke on the phone. You have to listen to her. Everyone listens to Móraí. There are grave consequences if you don’t.”

  “Are you asking me to marry you?” I plop down in the glider that is behind me. This can’t be happening. We weren’t even speaking to each other a few hours ago, and now he’s proposing marriage.

  Finn kneels down in front of the chair, taking my hands in his. “Not right this second, no.”

  I let out the breath I was holding, but I feel a tinge of disappointment when he says ‘no’.

  “Oh.”

  “Maggie, I love you. I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with you and our family, but I think we need to work on a few things first. We need to focus on keeping you healthy, and focus on having these babies. But I promise you, we will go to Ireland and be married.”

  “Did you just tell me we’re getting married?”

  “What did you think was gonna happen here? We were just gonna play house for the rest of our lives?”

  “I guess I haven’t really put much thought into it. I’ve been so focused on the babies and the pregnancy that I haven’t really thought about the foreseeable future.”

  “It’s a good thing I’m so responsible, then,” he tells me.

  The smile leaves my face. “Don’t you think we need to talk about last week?” I ask him.

  I really don’t want to bring it up in the midst of a conversation about marriage and our future, but we need to clear the air. I don’t want Stephanie between us any longer. I refuse to give her any more of our time and energy. She’s not worth it.

  He gets up, running his hand through his hair. “I will never regret anything more. I never should have let her rent my loft, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have gone over there that day. I swear to you, nothing happened between us. I would never jeopardize what we have. I can’t even stand to be around her. Why would I have sex with her?”

  “You hurt me Finn, and so did she. She came to the shop spewing some pretty awful things to me. What was I supposed to think?” I close my eyes at the memory. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m so tired of all the tears.

  “If you would have waited five minutes for me to get back to the shop, you would have known that every word she said was complete and utter lies. It was all bullshit. She’s jealous of you and jealous of what we have. She’s always had a problem with you, even when she and I were still together. She’s a toxic bitch.” He comes back over to the chair, getting right in my face so I’m forced to open my eyes and look at him. “Maggie, you are the only woman I want in my life. I want to marry you. I want to have dozens of babies with you. I want to make a home with you. You have changed me more than you w
ill ever know. I’m a better person because of you.”

  He seals his speech with a soul-searing kiss. I can taste the saltiness of tears on our lips. I love this man so much. I believe every word he just said.

  “She’s gone, Maggie. We never have to deal with her again. The loft is on the market. Troy’s listed it for me and already has some bites. It will be sold in no time.”

  “You don’t have to do that. I know it’s important to you. It’s from Móraí.”

  He shakes his head. “It’s just a place I used to live. It means nothing to me. I’ll make a killing if I sell it. We can use the money to get a house. These kids will need a yard to play in, room to grow, good schools to go to. We can look for something close to your mom and Ava.”

  “You would do that for us?”

  “Don’t you listen to me at all? I would do anything for you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “Christ, woman, what are you doing?” Finn yells from the doorway. I spin around, duster in hand, ponytail whipping around.

  “Riding a bike,” I deadpan. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

  He smacks me on my butt. “Watch that sass, woman. I know you’re cleaning. I’m talking about this music. Our children’s ears are probably bleeding. You’re torturing them with this bubble gum pop drivel. You can’t let them listen to that. They’ll be traumatized for life.” He walks over to the Bluetooth speaker and shuts off my phone.

  “Hey, I was listening to that. When you clean, you can listen to what you want. When I clean, I can listen to what I want.”

  “I don’t want to clean. I don’t want you cleaning right now, either. I want to dance with my woman and my babies. Put that duster down and get over here. Obviously you and the babies need a music lesson.”