Paper Dolls [Book Four]

by Blythe Stone

  “How could you be the monster?!” She gasped. She took her hands up to her head and held it as her eyes went up to the sky and scanned it and her hands ran down her neck in frustration.

  “Because I liked being in control like that. I was stupid and let my fears get control again. When you were laying over my knees like that… And the noises you were making. It was beautiful.”

  I shrugged and reached out, wanting to touch her.

  She was crying now, overwhelmed, but she let me pull her in. She fell onto me and cried on me harder as soon as she fell. “I gotta stop doing this to us.” I was sad but thankful that the worst of the conversation was over. “Next time I’m just going to NOT do that whole second guessing myself thing,” I waited. “Okay?”

  “But, you said,” she tried to speak. “You said it was better if we don’t. You said it scared you. You said-” She stopped herself, she was crying too hard.

  “That was when I thought you didn’t like it or that it scared you too much. This is my fault. I’m sorry.” I felt an intense need to protect her from everything. Especially me. “I’ll be better,” I whispered.

  “I shouldn’t have let you,” she said miserably.

  “That’s not true. You can’t keep my crazy brain from doing what it does. I straight up told you that it was okay and then at the first sign that I thought that it wasn’t I pulled back and confused you. It was inexcusable.”

  “Why do you just say things? Don’t do that. Don’t just say what you think I want to hear.”

  “I’m not. I literally just figured it out. I don’t tell you what you want to hear. If you haven’t noticed I’m pretty stream of consciousness. I say whatever I feel to you. I can’t help it.” I put both my hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “I swear.”

  “When you asked if I was okay with it I just meant I don’t think I can ever be okay with it Avery. It’s not normal and I know I’m not normal. We’ve talked about this. We’ve talked about all of this. Of course I feel strange the morning after I let you do that and let you see exactly what it is I really like. I feel like a freak,” she gasped and then tried to contain herself.

  “You’re not a freak. I know telling you that won’t change how you see it but you’re not. Liking those things doesn’t make you one.”

  “You say these things to me but then you take them back. It’s impossible for me to know what you want.”

  “Damnit,” I whispered, closing my eyes. “Look, this is my final word on this. I am not going to take it back or let myself freak out over it again. I’m done with confusing you.”

  I’d reached the tipping point. My mind was on the downslide I didn’t care about fear anymore. I just wanted to feel how I felt without anxiety getting in the way.

  “Being adventurous like that with you is wonderful. I think we should do it again. You and I are kind of perfect in what we want from one another and I was letting my head get in the way. That’s over. The only reason I’ll ever stop giving you what you ask for in those times is if you tell me you don’t want it.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now,” she said weakly. “Last night I thought we were fine but right now I just feel strange and I think I just need time.”

  “I understand.” I rubbed her arms and hugged her one more time. “Do you want to go to the beach or stay here? I can let you have some time alone if you need it.”

  “I’m sick of being alone,” she said sadly.

  “Good. Then I don’t have to be without you.”

  Thinking about leaving her here made me nauseous. It was sad but I needed her right now. I couldn’t take it, not seeing or touching her.

  “We can hang out here for a minute. I don’t want to rush you.” She was just on me, hugging me. I could tell she probably wanted to just stay like this all day.

  “It’s fine,” she said, forcing herself to move away and stand up.

  I’d set out to give her the world and now I was just giving her trouble.

  “Let’s go check on Holland. She’s probably yelling at people on HGTV and needs to be saved from herself.”

  “Okay,” Olivia said, looking down at my hand and slipping her hand into it as she bumped into me to get me to move.

  I led the way into the guest house, pushing open the door and squeezing Olivia’s hand. Holland was sitting on the couch, watching a soccer match. Her only other TV addiction besides home improvement shows.

  “Hey nerd, you want to go to the beach or what?”

  She didn’t even look over, just kept watching the TV.

  “Did you two make up? Do I need to turn this match up really really loud and try not to hear it?”

  I coughed and tried not to blush. “Um, no. Well, I mean yes, we made up but no we’re not going to…”

  Olivia let go of my hand and walked back into the bedroom stiffly to avoid the conversation.

  “Chill,” I told Holland. “I don’t think she’s in the mood to be teased about that right now.”

  “Oh,” she grimaced. “Sorry. Um, do you want me to go for a walk or something?” She asked.

  “No, I’ve been an asshole to both of you. I just want to take you guys out to the beach and then have a nice dinner. Then maybe we can get back to normal. Besides, if you’re leaving tomorrow I need some Holland time.”

  “Okay, but you know I’m cool if you two need to be alone.”

  “Just get ready to go,” I told her, motioning with my hand and going off to follow Olivia.

  “So, I was thinking we would do the beach and then head for dinner. Holland wants to go home tomorrow and try to catch the girl she’s seeing before she jets off to Mexico.”

  “Sounds good,” Olivia said solemnly, bobbing her head and stepping into a skirt.

  I walked over to the closet, pulling out some things to change into. I didn't want to do anything but sightsee at the beach so I switched my suit for some jean shorts and a flowery top.

  “Hey,” I said, walking up to her. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she said. At times, when we saw each other, the entire world seemed to stop. Her eyes flickered when she let herself see me. She was so vulnerable, I ached.

  We stood there breathing together, just enjoying how it felt to be looking at one another again.

  “I guess we should go.” All I wanted to do was lay down with her and nap but there were social needs to take care of first. I needed to pay Holland some attention too.

  “Guess so,” Olivia said, moving again to put a few things in a bag for herself.

  I grabbed some sunglasses and a hat, and, walked back out to the living room. Holland was ready and waiting on us.

  Chapter Seven

  Olivia

  So, we had about five seconds of bliss there I guess. Five seconds before she took it all back and confused the hell out of me and now we were moving on.

  I don’t know how but for about five seconds there I’d convinced myself that I wasn’t that odd or broken.

  Maybe Avery convinced me too. By not freaking out last night. I don’t know…

  But we had that whole night and I loved it, I loved all of it, especially the part where I had her up on the bed a little trapped by my own body and lust.

  It’s strange, I should probably feel weird about wanting to take her like that but then I’ve seen her want that same thing from me so I don’t understand why we keep going in circles about these things. Our circles are vicious.

  I guess I cooled it on all of that after the few freak-outs we had before. She never asked about the drawer again before last night. She would say things, yes, but she never asked.

  Last night she asked.

  Last night she made me give her something, something to use on me.

  I never would’ve suggested that if she hadn’t pushed. Not ever.

  I even tried to get her to forget by what I did to her first.

  It didn’t work, obviously. She still pushed and that’s why we’re here.


  She forced me to show myself.

  Forced me to show her some of the things Ben has seen, some of the things I did with Nat but never her.

  I can’t explain why it helps me. I can’t explain why it’s better when I scream and cry sometimes.

  Mostly though- I don't want to think about it and I don’t want to need to explain.

  That’s why it’s so complicated with Avery. She has a history. Her history is different than mine and it’s brutal.

  I asked for brutality from a person I knew I could trust. I welcomed it. Avery did no such thing.

  It’s just night and day and I think I knew not to put her in a tight spot but I did it anyway because I was mad last night and I did want her to hurt me physically. To take away all that mental strain. To see a bit more of what I liked and who I was, all that I kept away in dark shadows and only Natalie’s mind.

  It’s like Avery was dangling a cookie out in front of me, a cookie she knew I’d been craving and starving to taste. She’d asked me to eat it and then as soon as I did I realized it was a trick and it was all wrong and I wanted to throw up- reversing the behavior in me.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about her stupid religion comparison and the way she talked about sinning with me. It was like that now. It was like religion. I could be selfless but I’d step up, I always would. There was no way around being human.

  I could be obedient but I’d make mistakes with her, there was no denying.

  Her religion comparison worked and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and now I hated it, I hated it so much.

  Love was important. Love was it.

  Everything else confused and muddled the purity.

  Everything else was a contaminate.

  No wonder I kept myself hidden.

  For now, we would go to the beach. Avery only drank a little bit at the pool, one sip- tops- I gave the keys to her and made her drive. My own buzz was slight- not strong enough to fix me.

  I pushed my way into the back seat and laid down so that Holland would have to take the front.

  I was sick of the drama, really sick of it. The party, Sky, the way we were treating Holland, none of it was me, not any of it.

  I was the boring girl back at the pool with her mother reading Little Girl Blue and avoiding any and all chance of conflict and non-normalcy. My free time was for relaxing, that’s all I wanted from this break, some time to feel normal.

  When Avery asked me if I wanted to stay home the real answer was yes but I knew her and I knew she’d fret if I wasn’t there after all I’d said lately. I knew she’d rush home instead of taking her time with her best friend.

  I had to chaperone. I didn’t have a choice.

  “What’s been going on with you?”

  Avery’s voice rose over the soft music she’d put on. It felt nice in the backseat. I never laid down with the car rolling like this, it was soothing.

  “Getting ready for graduation,” Holland said. “Not much else. You know me. I’m just biding my time till we hit summer and I go to soccer camp.”

  “Yeah but how’s your mom and grandma?”

  “They’re great,” Holland answered.

  “Mom is really excited about getting me out of the house for college so she can turn my room into a gym or something.”

  Avery snorted. “Yeah, right. Your mom is so your biggest fan.”

  “She is but I don’t think she’s going to have much empty nest syndrome when I leave.”

  There was a pause for awhile and I heard the soft strains of, Lisa Loeb’s, Stay until Avery found something else to ask.

  “So, Melinda… Are you really into her because it seems like she’s not treating you right and I don’t want to have to come down and kick her ass.”

  “I’m just enjoying what comes,” Holland replied. “It’s not serious. Just fun. She’s not who I’d be in a relationship with but for now it’s good.”

  “Okay, as long as you’re not going to get your heart broken or anything.”

  “Psh,” Holland scoffed. “No way. Neither of us are getting our hearts broken in this fling.”

  “I do wish you’d find someone that you really liked to date though. It makes it even more fun.”

  “It also makes it harder and I’m not ready for that yet,” Holland said. “I’m sure I’ll fall madly in love once I get to UCLA.”

  I knew that was true… The first part anyway.

  “Have you had many serious relationships?” I asked, unable to just wait for the information I wanted to come.

  There was no point in pretending I hadn’t been listening in. They both knew.

  Plus, Avery would worry about me if I was quiet too long. I needed to be a part of things, no matter how foreign or intrusive I knew I’d feel.

  “Ah, no. Just the one. It didn’t work out though. She’s from the other side of the country. We met at a soccer camp and played together for awhile.”

  “Sometimes I hate life,” I joked dryly, just like my mother would. Of course, distance kills things. I couldn’t even be without Avery in the same space without losing my mind.

  “Me too but we’ve got to live it so we might as well get something good out of it all.”

  I liked Holland. She was really sweet.

  “I’ve got something good,” I smiled despite my shit mood.

  “Is it cake because I’m hungry,” Avery joked. I caught her eyes in the rearview, smiling back at me.

  “You’re hungry?!” I scoffed. “One of us hasn’t eaten yet and I’m pretty sure that’s me not you. But you’re right; I do nothing so I need less food.” I was totally teasing, I hoped she knew.

  “Uh huh, well chew on this,” she said, putting her hand into the backseat in front of my face.

  “Don’t test me,” I warned, pulling on her hand to make it hard for her to drive.

  Even just her arm was stronger than the both of mine. I tugged anyway and moved my mouth to try and bite.

  “I forgot how dangerous you were.” She laughed and squeezed my hand before taking hers back.

  “How long did you know that girl, Holland?” I didn’t want her to think I needed Avery’s attention. I did need it and love it but not in a possessive way. I’d been backing off from her life for months. This was just poor timing. Again and again.

  “Only a year. We started dating almost as soon as we met and I think we still would be if it weren’t for the distance. We just decided it was too much.”

  “Was there like a final straw?” I asked, curious.

  “Oh yeah, when she told me that she’d cheated on me with this random guy at a college party,” Holland chuckled.

  “Yikes…” I sighed. “That’ll do.”

  “Yep. I know people get really crazy about that kind of thing but I swear I probably would have taken her back if we weren’t so far apart.”

  “I don’t think it would have lasted if you did though,” Avery chimed in.

  “Why not?” I asked. That was a strange thing for someone to say when they had just kissed some other person, some person they claimed not to love…

  “She didn’t like Holland’s dog. To the point where she would make her leave him outside when she was visiting,” Avery chuckled and shrugged. “She would have made you give him up.”

  “Oh,” I said, amused. “You’re right, that’s evil. She’s the jealous type. No wonder she strayed. I bet the not knowing killed her inside.”

  “Probably,” Holland agreed. “She was always asking me who I was with and why.”

  “I know how that feels but that’s really hard. Distance and all,” Avery said. I wasn’t sure which part she was commiserating on though and that worried me just a bit. I didn’t want to be making her feel stifled. I’d specifically kept my feelings inside because of all that.

  “I’d hate that. I’d die,” I confessed, commiserating on the pain of distance. “Especially if my girl was as cute as you,” I added on for good measure. Holland deserved good things. But I could
see how a person our age wouldn’t be looking for their soulmate right now. I know I wasn’t looking when Avery landed herself right in front of me like some irresistible alien. “But alas, we are young!” I said optimistically. “I know I wasn’t thinking about soulmates, or relationships even, before I met Avery. I would’ve laughed at anyone who tried to say I should have one. Including my semi-girlfriend at the time. It just wasn’t an attractive idea until I fell in love.”

  I wasn’t sure how much Avery had told her about my life.

  “Natalie, right,” Holland asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, wondering how much she knew.

  “Avery told me about her in passing but she didn’t give me details.” Holland paused and stared at Avery. “But she sucks at details because she’s always afraid of telling me personal things about other people’s lives.”

  “For me that was pretty much a horrible thing I did,” I confessed. “I sort of used her and I didn’t know she was falling for me. Not until the end at least. She was really pretty and she had others. I thought they were like me. Or that I was like them, one of many. I assumed too much. Presumed too much. I kept her at arm’s length. Only sex. It wasn’t nice. I wasn’t nice to her until the end.”

  Avery kept her mouth shut but I knew she wanted to say something.

  “If you didn’t know she was falling for you how could it be horrible?” Holland asked.

  “I used her,” I said.

  “And you feel bad about it so I’m guessing you tried to make amends,” Holland continued.

  “I apologized,” I laughed bitterly. “But sometimes words can’t really fix what actions have done.”

  “Did she forgive you?”

  “Oh god,” I said, thinking about it. “She doesn’t want me to even think I did anything wrong. As far as she’s concerned there’s nothing to forgive. But that’s the whole problem isn’t it? I think it is,” I said, thinking about her.

  I couldn’t really expect anyone to understand it, not even Avery.

  Though I hoped Avery understood why I felt what I felt. How could I really know? I couldn’t. I had no control there.

  “We weren’t having a lighthearted fling. It was intense sex. I asked her to do things that she might not have ever done with other people. And it was all on my terms. I said: when. I said: what. I trained her in what I wanted and liked. It was wrong. I don’t care how she feels about it. It was wrong of me. I know that now.”