Paper Dolls [Book Four]

by Blythe Stone

  “You know that you’re not on my path right? You’re on our path because if it wasn’t for meeting you I’d never be doing the things that I’m doing now. You changed the way too. I understand what you’re saying though. I just know that I’d be drifting, empty without you. I know the path I’d be on.”

  “I dunno if that’s true,” she said, seeing me and speaking honestly. “About the path being ours. I think it’s yours. I think I joined you. And you’re right about this,” she said, looking around. “There are things we do that are because of my life but it still feels like I’m on your path.”

  “I don’t want that though. I want it to be ours. I don’t want to dictate where we go. I want you to have the lead sometimes.”

  “It’s not about leading… It’s about where we are, where I feel like I am. I’m with you...”

  “Is it good or bad that you feel like you’re on my path? Or is it just how it is?”

  I drank the rest of the water and set the glass down, sitting on the window seat again and moving close.

  “It’s good and bad… Depends… If you asked me a month ago I would’ve told you how strange it all felt. Right now it’s great but right now it’s like I’ve found you again, like you’re carrying me, putting me in front so I can feel you and see behind and not feel as scared about where I was before. You have me now after I’d been following close behind and not able to reach your feet, or your back, on the trail… Sometimes I’m just wandering in search of you I think. My path had all these other things that distracted me. Your path only has you, nothing else interests me as much. I can get bored of being behind and rest and read alone or something but it’s different. It’s hard for me to feel without you on your path. Hard for me to feel alone or left. It’s like I know you’re out there waiting and that changes everything. I just used to be a different person. I used to live for myself and I can’t do that now. I want you too much.”

  I didn’t know if I was going to laugh or cry. This week was just starting and I was already overwhelmed by her. Every time I wasn’t expecting it she would say something or I would just feel it and I couldn’t take it all in. This made me certain of how she had changed me.

  “I don’t have words. I’m just sitting here trying not to turn into a mess of emotion over you. There is one thing that I never want to know. That is how my life would be without you. I’m so happy that you’re with me. I just wish I knew how to express it better. You’re the wordsmith between us and I’m not even going to try right now beyond telling you this and that I love you so much that I almost can’t stand it.”

  “I’m sorry I got serious,” she said grumpily. She held me though and that was loving. “I think I’ve been keeping too much in. I’m sorry for that as well. Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of my thoughts. Hard to know which ones I should share with you. Which ones are really important.”

  I pulled her into my lap and rest my arm across her chest. This was good. We were talking and sharing. It was what we needed.

  “It happens. Picking apart your own thoughts is difficult. It’s hard to know which ones are worth keeping and which will stick around and hold true. Don’t be sorry. I’m just loving being close to you and listening to you right now.”

  I wanted more water but I wanted to stay. Touching her was helping me.

  She stared up at me lovingly, so quiet and stern. I watched a smirk dance on her lips, eyes softening.

  “Sometimes when you’re not kissing me I feel broken,” she said, eyes watching as she bit her own lip.

  “Well, then let me put you back together.”

  When I kissed her she put her hand around my head, keeping me there, losing herself. I followed, letting her draw me into the world where she was.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Olivia

  All that talk of roads and jealousy…

  Nothing mattered. Not my thoughts. Not my fears.

  Avery had me now and she was touching me, seeing me.

  There was nothing that could matter. I was telling the truth. All I wanted was her and this, the way we were right now. That’s all I wanted in the whole wide world.

  My life changed. She changed me.

  I loved her so much.

  I loved the smile on her lips, pushing into mine, when she had time to register the feel of me, the way I felt.

  “I love you,” I said truly, feeling it deep down within my soul.

  We could do anything, be anything. Her path was my path but together we’d go places. It was lame but true.

  I pulled her in desperately and tried to keep her kissing me.

  We stayed like that a while before I let her pull back. I knew it was probably uncomfortable for her.

  “So,” I said, tucking my bottom lip into my mouth. “What would you like to do now? Are you hungry? We could just hang out in the living room or we could just make-out for the entire rest of the day but outside while the sun sets.”

  “I want all those things,” I said, honestly, stretching out and thinking about the last thing the most.

  I wanted strawberries and kisses. That would do.

  “You sure you don’t want anything crazy like a hot air balloon ride or something?”

  “No,” she laughed. “I think that would be awesome another time but right now I just want to be with you. I like looking at you and talking to you and I feel like being lazy.”

  My chest filled up with that happy feeling only Avery could inspire.

  I still felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  That feeling was in me. I couldn’t erase it.

  “Okay,” I said, sitting up to let her get up. “I should probably change,” I said, realizing, looking down. I was just in my bra and my skirt. Comfy clothes could do better.

  “Same,” she replied.

  We both got up and she followed me into the bedroom. I felt her hands on my bare back, sobering me, comforting me. It was like she couldn’t resist touching me and I loved that about her. The smile on her face was so big when I looked and saw it.

  “You okay?” I asked, noticing, my smile rising too. With my back turned I pulled my bra off and let it fall, pulling a soft thin shirt out of the drawer and throwing it on. It was long like the white one I’d worn for most of yesterday. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable. In truth I liked Avery’s idea of wearing nothing at all. I liked it, it just posed problems.

  I knew if she were naked I couldn’t stand to not touch her.

  I took my hands up to my back and lifted up the back of my skirt to expose my zipper. “Here,” I offered, asking her.

  Her hands came carefully to touch on me. She unzipped my skirt and I let it fall, unsure if she was watching.

  When I turned she was elsewhere; fiddling about, getting dressed on her own.

  She made me smile. She was occupying herself with changing her own clothes so that she wouldn’t touch me. I knew what she was doing. It was written all over her face.

  “Don’t be nervous,” I smiled, teasing her as I watched.

  She slipped on an oversized tee shirt and pulled on a pair of thin track pants with the school logo on the leg.

  “You can go for a run, or something, ya know? I don’t need you to always be with me.”

  I could never tell when she was about to get one of those bursts of energy. Sometimes they came from nowhere. I always wanted her to have room for them. Even if she felt strange about that.

  “Maybe tomorrow,” she said, taking my hand. “Right now, I just feel like relaxing.”

  “Okay,” I said skeptically. She pulled us out of the room and brought me to the couch in the living room, sitting me down.

  I moved to the table and took the control up, turning the TV on.

  I wasn’t sure what she wanted. She kept saying she liked hearing me talk and it was starting to really freak me out. I felt put on the spot. So much of our time had differed from this. Her sudden concentrated interest in me made my heart skip; it made my breath shallow
, made me dizzy. I just knew I’d trip. I always tripped.

  And we just weren’t usually like this. We started this way but she'd taken so long to travel back.

  “Any requests?” I asked.

  “Whatever you want,” she said, sitting on the arm of the couch with her back to me. She slid down to lay, scooting so that her head was in my lap. She was looking at me now, not at the TV.

  “Baby,” I laughed awkwardly.

  “Yeeeeeeeeees?” She bit her lip and kept looking at me.

  “I can’t just watch TV with you staring at me like that,” I laughed, feeling the awkward excitement of just being alone with her and noticed by her. I bent my head down and kissed her lips gently.

  I was right before, this position was crap.

  But I loved her so I couldn’t mind.

  “You’re stupid,” I said, pulling away a second to stare at her and smile.

  She was far from stupid. I fell down to her and kissed her again.

  It was funny kissing her like this. It was almost like all there was to her was a head, like her body wasn’t real.

  I loved her body so that thought just tickled me; absurd.

  Without meaning to I laughed.

  “Why are you laughing at me?” She stuck her tongue out and then pulled it back in to pout. “That’s just rude. You have better manners than this. I’m shocked and appalled.”

  “I was just thinking about what life would be like if you were just a disembodied head,” I laughed, staring down at her.

  “Oh, creepy.” She bugged her eyes out and looked from side-to-side.

  “What if I was just a torso? Would you still love me if I didn’t even have a waist?”

  “I think I would,” I said decidedly. “You’d have to have a head though. Your head,” I couldn’t take a different brain.

  I thought of all the creepy things I’d read and seen. There was this one particular film where this villain had different heads she could wear. That used to scare me as a child, now, though, it just seemed entertaining.

  “I think I’m stuck with this one so I’m glad you like it,” she said, pushing at the skin of her face.

  There was a silliness to her actions, a light-hearted feeling that was different. Some of her burden had been lifted from before and she was more free.

  “Ick,” I teased. “Your face is too pretty for me. I think you could use a few heinous scars or something. Maybe one right here,” I traced a large line down her perfect cheek. “Or maybe here,” I said, letting my hand slip down to her neck and my nail drag a diagonal line.

  She shivered and bit her lip. “If you think it’ll help.” Her fingers came up to touch my hand and she adored me from where she lay. It was all about me for her right now.

  “I can’t take you like this, Avery. My chest is about to explode,” I said truthfully. It actually burned to breathe. I noticed it now. My throat hurt. She’d done that to me.

  I’d forgotten, I guess, what it felt like to have her be mine so fully and for such a long period of uninterrupted time. It was like all this time she’d been a flickering candle and now all of a sudden she was a spotlight shining up at me. “Are you trying to break me?” I asked, smiling.

  “No, I’m just seeing you and loving you. I don’t want you to break. Not when I’m having such a good time being with you. Maybe I should give you a break.”

  She smiled, touching my nose with her fingertip and then switching her head away to look at the TV. Her hand went back to rest on top of mine as it lay on her chest.

  I let out a sigh, unsure of what to do about it all.

  I let my other hand move through her hair and I watched as her eyes closed and her face changed with the pleasure.

  “Careful or you’ll make me fall asleep,” she warned.

  She was so relaxed; different but the same Avery I always loved.

  “Maybe I can get some peace then,” I teased, slowly loving what I was seeing, what I could do.

  “Never,” she smiled, satisfied. “I’d probably just talk about you in my sleep.”

  “I’d like to see what you’d say,” I said sweetly. Fear pricked me though. I’d been in her dreams before… Only to die. “My dreams with you in them are always the best,” I confessed.

  “Yeah? Tell me about them. I want to know what your subconscious thinks about me.”

  “They’re a lot like this sometimes,” I said. Sometimes we would just be happy, just talking. “Sometimes we kiss all night. Sometimes we talk. They’re always good. It’s like my brain decides I haven’t had enough of you so I’ll make some more. And it’s all true. Sometimes I forget and say something to you and you don’t know what I’m talking about because it happened to me in a dream. Wasn’t real...”

  “Now, I’ll know.” She kept her eyes closed but turned her head back to me. “Sometimes I’ve been afraid that you’re a dream.”

  “Baby?” I said, more concerned than I should’ve been. I tightened my hand in her hair, pulling it lightly. “Hey…” I said, needing her to look at me. I used my other hand to move her chin back and make her see me. “When?” I asked, needing her to answer me.

  “Hmm?” Her eyes flickered open and she smiled up at me. “Just when I wake up from a bad dream and you’re there. I can’t tell which one is real for a second but then I touch you and I wake up all the way. Sometimes you’ve been asleep and when I reach out you just come to me and it breaks that weird feeling.”

  I rolled my eyes at myself and looked out at the room. I felt her tongue on my thumb and looked back down.

  “You can wake me up,” I said, trying to imagine it. “I won’t mind.” The thought of her feeling that way broke me inside.

  I couldn’t imagine feeling that. Thinking that she could possibly not be real; only a dream.

  Just the thought was upsetting.

  I took my hand from her hair and set it on the cushion beside my hip, clenching it to crack my knuckles and try to calm.

  I moved my knees on accident. I felt too uncomfortable about the thought.

  “You need me to move?” She asked, sitting half-way up.

  “Can I lay next to you?” I wondered. There was enough room; I could lie on my side. I just felt strange like maybe she wanted me not to.

  “Of course,” she moved so that I could have room. “That actually sounds better. Closer is always better,” she said.

  I moved in beside her and moved a pillow to the arm of the couch so I could lay all the way down and pull her into me and kiss her cheek. “You’re pretty,” I said, closer to her now and more comfortable than before.

  I liked laying with her like this.

  The home improvement show was pretty uneventful. Occasionally I would look up and listen but it wasn’t anything worthy of distracting me from the way Avery felt. My eyes kept coming back and tracing her profile.

  I kept coming back to her and hugging her tighter or kissing her neck.

  Meanwhile, she just let me feel her and anchored me. I couldn't tell if she was watching the show or not. It seemed like she was but there was an awareness that made me wonder.

  “You okay?” I asked. She wasn’t usually so quiet or so still. I wished I knew what she was thinking.

  “Yeah, I'm good. I was thinking about how much time we’ll have this summer. I can't wait,” she said.

  I laid my head down and shut my eyes, letting out a sigh before kissing her neck again.

  “You know I’ve got you, right?” I asked, feeling sleepy from the stress of all that love.

  “Yep,” she said. “And I've got you.”

  “You do,” I said, agreeing. I moved my head up and used two fingers to push her face toward mine. I needed to kiss her again.

  After a while I moved my hand off her stomach and leaned over her to steal the remote and smile into her.

  “This show sucks,” I smiled.

  I fiddled until I found Mozart in the Jungle again and started it over from last night. I’d been wanting to watc
h it but Avery’s presence was very demanding. She didn’t mean it to be but it was.

  I started it up again and tried to watch.

  I let my hand smooth onto her skin beneath her shirt and rub.

  “Mmm,” she let out a little sigh, closing her eyes and swallowing. She was at peace.

  “I love you baby,” I whispered, reminding her with a light kiss.

  She seemed to want to just lay here and be next to me. This was new…

  I hated to think that but this was, it was new. We rarely found a long stretch of peace that didn’t involve just falling asleep.

  The music helped, the show was lovely. There was a lot of romance and heated talk. I wasn’t sure if Avery would be interested or not, she seemed content to just lay with me but I loved having her so close and watching one of the things I loved with her so near.

  “What do you do when I haven't been around,” she asked.

  “Mostly I read,” I said. “And miss you…” That was true.

  I hadn’t been playing much or taking pictures. I hadn’t been doing half of the things I was used to. I hadn’t even been visiting my dad’s lab to investigate or create.

  Sometimes I’d use the gym in the house; just run. Or swim a little in the pool to try and get out my anxiety, feel closer to her, make the time pass...

  My mind was too busy with her. I was worried about her and overly curious and definitely preoccupied. Occasionally, I would do things with my mom but not often. I tried to lose myself in easy things like shows and books when Avery wasn’t around.

  One thing I had been doing though, I’d been writing.

  “Sometimes I write,” I said. It’d been sort of secret. I hadn’t really shared any of that with her. But it was mostly just poetry. Nothing to be amazed about or really interested in.

  Knowing about Stanford had kicked my butt into high gear on the literature front. More time spent reading and writing was definitely called for given my soon-to-be life.

  Why did Avery decide to stop paying attention to me for months?!

  I was really starting to feel like shit with how little she actually knew and paid attention. My writing and reading was never a secret. To Avery? Nothing was. I let her see pretty much everything. I didn’t hide.