This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  Phoenix waved to reassure their son.

  Riley had to hand it to her. She was tougher than any woman he’d known. It was impressive how determined she was not to lean on him—literally or figuratively.

  As soon as they were gone, Riley grabbed Phoenix’s elbow, hanging on even when she tried to avoid the contact, and guided her to his truck. “Let’s get you to a doctor.”

  The second he mentioned doctor, she wrenched away from him. “No, I—I don’t need a doctor.”

  “He’ll check out that cut, tell us if it needs stitches.”

  “A doctor will cost money. And I...I have other plans for...for my income in the next while.”

  What income? He doubted she had any, but he couldn’t say that. “Phoenix...”

  “Stop,” she said. “I’ve had worse than this. This is nothing.”

  Watching her closely, he could see that she was dizzy. “Do it for Jacob’s peace of mind, then.”

  “Please, don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “I haven’t got the money for a doctor. I’m sure you know that.”

  “I’ll look after the bill,” he said, but he should’ve known that wouldn’t convince her.

  She edged farther away from him. Then she started down the street at a faster clip than he felt she should. “I’m okay,” she called back. “Go take care of Jacob.”

  “Damn it, Phoenix.” He hurried after her. “Why do you have to be so stubborn? It won’t cost that much.”

  She hadn’t bothered to turn when he spoke, so he’d been talking to her back. “It’s a waste of money,” she told him over one shoulder. “I’m fine, like I said.”

  “It’s five miles to your place. You’ll never make it.”

  She made no comment.

  “Soon you won’t even be able to see where you’re going, what with all that blood.”

  Again, she didn’t respond. She’d managed to put a little distance between them and obviously thought she was getting away. But he wasn’t about to let her go. He had no idea whether she’d make it. So he jogged after her and swept her into his arms, which wasn’t hard since she didn’t weigh much.

  “Ah!” she cried. He’d startled her. She hadn’t expected that move. He guessed her head hurt, too, and being jarred hadn’t helped.

  “We’re doing this my way,” he said, and carried her to his truck.

  * * *

  Phoenix felt like throwing up. The pain, coupled with a heavy dose of embarrassment and regret, were getting to her. She never should’ve gotten into Jacob’s Jeep. Riley wouldn’t want to let Jake spend any time with her if he wasn’t safe in her company. That was all she could think about as she kept wiping the blood streaming from somewhere near her right eyebrow in an effort to keep it from staining the upholstery in Riley’s truck. She’d long since given up trying to save her new clothes.

  Riley looked grim as he drove. She could all too easily imagine what he was thinking. That he’d known it would be a nightmare to have her come home. That she should’ve gone anywhere but here. That she had no right to ruin his life a second time. And, worst of all, that Jacob was indeed better off without her.

  Too bad she didn’t feel well enough to change the situation. She’d have to wait it out and hope she’d still be allowed to communicate with Jacob on Facebook, and maybe go to his games, after this was all over.

  When they came to a stop at the only other light in town, Riley glanced over and must’ve seen that she was fighting a losing battle with the blood. She had nothing to wipe it with, so he took off his T-shirt.

  “Here. Use this.”

  She averted her gaze so she wouldn’t see his bare chest. Just accepting the T-shirt seemed too intimate. If she’d had a choice, she would’ve refused it, but the damn bleeding wouldn’t stop.

  Closing her eyes, she pressed the soft cotton to her head and then rested against the window to help keep it in place.

  “You okay?” he asked as they parked in front of a house she didn’t recognize.

  She didn’t bother to answer. She wasn’t okay, but that wasn’t entirely due to her injuries. She was more upset and disappointed than anything else. “Where are we?”

  “Dr. Harris’s. It’s Sunday. We’re not going to catch him at his office.”

  “We can’t bother anyone at home!” she protested, but Riley was already getting out of the truck.

  “Damn it,” Phoenix muttered as he hurried to the door—and felt even worse when the doctor answered, looked out at her and nodded to Riley. She could tell from the expression on Riley’s face that she was going in.

  When he came for her, he didn’t help her out, as she’d expected. He carried her again, only this time it was worse because he was bare-chested. She had his shirt wadded up in her hand.

  She could feel his warm skin against her cheek, so she tried to move her head away from him. But that hurt so much, she couldn’t manage it for long, and he seemed to grow impatient with her attempt to avoid contact, because he tightened his grip so she couldn’t manage it at all.

  “You took a hard knock,” the doctor said as they entered the house.

  “It’s not bad,” she said.

  He motioned Riley through to the kitchen and followed closely behind them. “Let’s take a look.”

  The doctor pulled the bloody T-shirt away the moment Riley sat her at the table. “We’ll have to clean you up before we can tell what we’re dealing with.”

  She steeled herself against the pounding in her head, which was getting worse now that the shock was wearing off. “It’s just a little cut.”

  “I’m guessing that little cut needs a couple of stitches,” he said drily.

  “A butterfly bandage will do. Then I’ll get out of your house. It’s Sunday. I’m sure this isn’t what you want to be doing.”

  “Relax,” he said. “It shouldn’t take long.”

  Even if it went quickly, she had nothing to look at other than Riley, who stood nearby, clearly unhappy, with his arms folded over his chest.

  The doctor cleaned her wound and then deliberated as to whether he’d stitch it. She hadn’t seen a man in any state of undress for so long that she was tempted to stare at Riley. So she did her best to focus on her feet, her lap, the floor, the doctor’s everyday clothes, especially the house shoes he wore. In spite of that, she’d gotten a long enough glimpse of Riley to be able to tell that all the physical changes since high school had been for the better. His work kept him in great shape. There was no doubt about that. Most women would find him extremely attractive.

  But not her, she told herself. There was no way she could afford even the slightest admiration or attraction.

  “You’ll heal with less of a scar if I stitch it,” the doctor told her.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be okay. Just put a Band-Aid on it,” she said. “I have other scars.”

  Riley asked Dr. Harris for a minute alone with him. Then they both went into the living room, where they spoke in such low voices she couldn’t hear them.

  God, she hated this. It went against everything she’d promised herself she’d do when she got out. She did not want to give Riley any reason to complain about her, or be unhappy that she was now living in town. Didn’t want to cost him any money or aggravation. She just wanted to steer clear of him and have peace between them.

  “The stitches won’t take more than a few seconds. I keep a bag here at home,” the doctor said when they walked back into the room.

  She wanted to continue her argument, but they were obviously united against her, or he wouldn’t have come back intent on giving her stitches.

  She’d have to figure out a way to pay for his services, she decided. At this point, that was the only dignified course of action. So she kept her mouth shut and let him work. And when he was finished, she allowed Riley to drive her home.

  Fortunately, her mother’s dogs weren’t out when they turned into the property, but all the junk she’d been embarrassed to ha
ve Kyle see was right there for Riley’s view. She hated that he couldn’t possibly miss it.

  The doctor had given her a local anesthetic when he stitched her up and some pills for the pain. Because her head was no longer pounding, she was able to get out before Riley could come around to open her door.

  “Thank you so much for your help,” she said as she moved past him. “I don’t know what kind of arrangement you made with the doctor about the bill, but I’d appreciate you sending it to me when it comes. I might have to make payments, but I’ll handle it over time. And I’ll buy you a new shirt, too.” The doctor had returned Riley’s, but it was balled up on the rubber floor mats, too soaked with blood for him to put on.

  Realizing that he probably wouldn’t want to touch it, with biohazards being as dangerous as they were these days, she walked back to the truck and started to reach inside. “Here, I’ll just...throw this one away so you won’t have to...”

  He grabbed her arm. “Leave it.”

  She did as he asked in case he was planning to try to save it. Maybe it was a personal favorite. “I was tested for AIDS and other communicable diseases before I was released, and I don’t have anything.”

  “Good to know,” he said, but he didn’t sound concerned. “Let’s get you inside.”

  Much to her chagrin, he insisted on helping her to the trailer, which made her regret that she hadn’t finished fixing it up. She’d worked as hard as she could, but the rest of the improvements required money she didn’t have.

  Riley held the door as she stepped inside. “You need some sleep, like the doctor said,” he told her.

  “I’ll go straight to bed.” Anticipating the relief she’d feel when she could crawl into bed and try to forget the humiliation of having Riley rescue her, she turned to say goodbye. But he didn’t stay on the landing. She had to move back because he was following her into the house.

  “He also thinks you’re not getting enough to eat,” he said with a frown.

  Why the heck was he in her living room? She didn’t want him there. The place didn’t look good enough yet. She’d planned to get it just right before he came over to inspect it. “I’ve never been very big.”

  “Malnourishment is something else.”

  Why had they been talking about her diet? That was none of their business. “Well, you know what they say about prison food.” She said that as if she was joking, but she’d purposely eaten as little as possible. Meals were handled by other convicts, and she’d heard too many stories about what some of the food contained.

  “He also said someone needs to wake you every few hours.”

  “I heard him. But I don’t have a concussion.” It was difficult not to let her gaze fall to his chest. All those muscles were appealing, even though she didn’t want them to be...

  “We don’t know that,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

  “Okay.” She stood at the door. Maybe now he’d leave and she could quit fighting the urge to ogle him. The hunger she felt had far more to do with physical touch than food.

  “Okay what?” he said.

  “I’ll...be careful.”

  “I’m asking who’s going to wake you up.”

  “My mom. Of course.” She gestured at the other trailer. “She lives right there.”

  He frowned again. “And never comes out.”

  Lizzie felt safer staying out of the public eye.

  “She’ll check on me,” Phoenix said, but that was a lie. She didn’t even plan on telling her mother what had happened. She was going to take a nap. Then she’d pull herself together long enough to make some bracelets so she could pay off her doctor bill.

  “You’re sure,” he said.

  She put more energy into her voice, hoping to convince him. “Positive. You should get home. I’m sure Jacob’s wondering where you are.”

  He seemed offended that she was in such a hurry to get rid of him. “Look, I can tell you don’t like me much, Phoenix. And I don’t blame you. You’ve been through hell and it’s all associated with me. But...I don’t want to make things worse. I’m just trying to help.”

  “Because you think there’s a need, but there’s not,” she said. “And I don’t know what gave you the idea that I don’t like you when I’m so grateful for all you’ve done for Jacob. You’ve been a fabulous father.”

  “Nice segue,” he murmured.

  Thanks to the pain meds the doctor had given her, Phoenix’s headache was gone, but she still wasn’t completely lucid. She knew that because she was looking at Riley’s chest without even trying not to. Worse, she wanted to touch it—touch him. “Excuse me?”

  “Whether or not I’ve been a good father has nothing to do with what I just said.”

  “Yes, it does,” she argued, struggling to remain coherent. “It’s important that you understand how much I appreciate your efforts—all you’ve done to make life so good for him. He’s a great kid. And now you’re being sympathetic to me because I’m his mother. But that isn’t a burden you need to carry. I’m not as helpless as I seem. This bandage just makes me look pathetic.”

  She laughed even though he didn’t laugh with her. “Bottom line, I’m no one you have to bother with. And just to reassure you...since we’ve never had the chance to discuss it, at least as adults...what I did before, becoming such a nuisance. Please don’t feel that could ever happen again. Honestly, it was nothing more than a schoolgirl crush that got out of control.” The damn pain meds were making her babble, but she figured she might as well get this out in the open while she had a private audience with him. It wasn’t as if she’d ever call him to say any of this. She wouldn’t call him for any reason—unless it was an emergency and she needed to reach Jacob. “You were the first boy I ever...well, you know...”

  He was staring at her so intently she could no longer meet his eyes. “I remember. I was there, too.”

  “I thought maybe you’d blocked it all out. But it’s probably not so unusual for a girl in that situation to feel some sort of...attachment, right? You can understand that.”

  He didn’t say he could. He didn’t say anything, so she stumbled on.

  “I was just too naive to realize that...that ‘I love you’ for a...for a guy means something different than it does for the typical girl, that’s all. I thought we both meant it, although how could we, at that age?” God, what was she saying? Was she making any sense? She tried even harder to explain. “I put way too much store in those three words and...sex. I completely bought in.” She added another laugh to let him know how ridiculous that had been. “And then I panicked when I learned I was going to have a baby.” She tucked her hair, caked with blood, behind one ear. “I’m not excusing my behavior, don’t get me wrong. I shouldn’t have called you so many times or driven by your house. ‘Go away’ is ‘go away.’ Not that I heard you say it very often, but maybe that was because I didn’t want to hear it. Anyway, I hope you understand that I’d never try to force my affections on you again. I’m a little wiser about how the world works these days, despite my lack of experience with men. So there’s no need for you to worry.”

  “You understand how the world works,” he repeated.

  She’d said so in that diatribe...somewhere. But why had he picked out that particular comment? Was she getting through to him or not? “Yes. Probably better than most people.”

  “And ‘I love you’ means something different to a boy.”

  His voice had a rough edge that made her fear he wasn’t taking what she’d said as the apology she’d intended. “Right. Sex and love are two different things, and boys can make that distinction more easily than girls. That’s all I’m saying. I get that now.”

  “I see. What a great thing to learn.”

  Was he being sarcastic? She was so confused. “It was a lesson I needed. And learning it the way I did means I’ll never forget.”

  A muscle moved in his cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Did I say something wron
g? I was trying to apologize for...for falling in love with you. Or for holding on to you when I should’ve let go.” None of this was coming out right. She could tell that much, so she stopped trying to explain and opted for the direct approach. “Regardless of anything else, know this—I promise I’ll never single you out like that again or do anything else to make you uncomfortable.”

  There. That had to be clear. She smiled up at him, hoping what she’d said would finally meet with his approval. But there was that damn frown again. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing. Don’t worry. You nailed it. And so innocently, too.”

  She pressed her fingers to her temples. The pain meds had really kicked in. “I admit my thoughts are...somewhat disjointed. What, exactly, did I nail?”

  “That you can’t trust a guy,” he replied. “That a guy doesn’t know what love is.”

  That sounded a bit harsh. Had she actually said those things? “Maybe not all guys,” she clarified.

  “Okay. Only me,” he said, then walked out.

  “I was trying to apologize!” she called after him.

  He shook his head as he turned back. “For ever loving me?”

  She tried to follow him out onto the stoop but felt too weak to move that far. She leaned against the door instead. “But you didn’t want me to love you! I swear I’m not finding fault with you or blaming you for anything. I’m trying to figure out a way to coexist here. I don’t want you to be miserable just because I’d like to get to know Jacob, don’t want you to feel as if that’s going to cost you anything. Even what you did today.” She pointed at her head. “That trip to the doctor. The ride home. I feel bad that you had to go to the trouble and I wish you would’ve let me handle it.”

  “You think you can handle Buddy?”

  “I’ll have to,” she answered. “He’s not your problem.”

  “Yes, he is. He’s not going to get away with what he did.”

  His remark propelled her outside despite her shaky legs. “Don’t say that. You can’t get involved. You don’t want to lose his friendship on my account.”

  “Because he’d be a much better friend than you.”