This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  He shrugged. “Figured I might as well make myself useful.”

  “By...”

  “Fixing a few things while I’m here.”

  Did he really have to see how she was living? Hopefully, she hadn’t asked for his help when he’d spoken to her earlier. She certainly hadn’t meant to. “How’d you know where to start?” she said, as if she wasn’t painfully aware of how pathetic she must seem to him.

  “It’s quitting that’s the hard part,” he said. “There’s so much left to do. But I haven’t been quiet, which is why I felt my presence wouldn’t come as a shock.”

  “I didn’t think I’d see you again,” she explained. “I mean...not today. I’m trying to prepare a room for Jacob, in case you ever let him stay with me for a weekend now and then. I planned to ask you to come out and inspect it when I’m through, but...it’s not nearly ready.”

  “That’s the room on the other side?” He motioned toward the far end of the trailer. “It’s for Jacob?”

  “Only with your permission, of course. I’m hoping he’ll be able to visit once in a while—that’s all. Nothing...nothing that would upset you or...or threaten your relationship with Jake.”

  The way he studied her made her wonder if she should’ve kept her mouth shut.

  “I don’t always think the worst, you know,” he said.

  She shook her head. “I wasn’t accusing you. I just want to be clear about my intentions so you can maybe...come to trust me...a little.”

  “It sounds like you could trust me a little more, too. Anyway, I brought you some soup. Can I talk you into eating it?”

  Soup? When she’d left prison, she’d been prepared to overlook his many slights, had been determined to repay even cruelty with kindness. That was the only way she’d felt she could build a relationship with Jacob. But Riley was being much nicer than she’d anticipated, and she wasn’t sure how to deal with nice. She hadn’t had much experience with it. “You didn’t need to do that, but I appreciate the gesture. I’ll eat after I get back into my bedroom so I can return your shirt. I don’t want to hold you up.”

  She tried the knob again, kept jiggling it, hoping it would somehow release, but it didn’t work. Apparently, nothing could go right for her.

  He rested his hands on his hips as he watched. “Is there some sort of trick to it?”

  “I guess it locks when you slam the door, which is news to me. But I’ll think of something.” She stopped bothering with it, since her efforts weren’t being rewarded. “The windows are open. I could cut the screen and crawl through. I’ll do that. Wait here.”

  “You want me to wait? Wouldn’t it be easier if I hoisted you through?”

  The image that went through her mind, of his hand under her shirt, made her burn with fresh embarrassment. “That’s okay. I’m not...dressed for that.”

  “Isn’t it more important to get back in your room than to preserve your modesty?”

  She felt her face flush. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I hope you believe that. I honestly wasn’t aware I had company.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?” she asked. “Really? Because I’m afraid when you get home you might start thinking I walked out with no clothes on purpose to...to entice you or something. But I swear that wasn’t the case. I mean...if I was seriously trying to get a man’s attention in that way, I’d at least make sure I’d combed my hair.” She chuckled, hoping he could see the logic—and the humor—in what she’d said. “No woman would come on to a man looking like she’d just been hit by an Excursion.”

  “I don’t think you did it on purpose,” he responded. “The terror on your face, and the fact that you nearly broke your shoulder trying to escape, pretty much told me that your panic was genuine.”

  There was a huskiness to his voice that made her curious as to what, exactly, was going through his head. It didn’t sound like relief, as she’d assumed. But he did seem to believe her, so she let the rest go in hopes that she could make up for the fact that he’d just seen a great deal more of her than he wanted to. “Thanks for understanding. I may have told you earlier, but in case I didn’t, I have no designs on you, no residual feelings or anything. You and everyone else in town must be wondering, but you can relax. You’re completely in the clear.”

  “Completely,” he repeated, mimicking her emphasis.

  She wasn’t sure how to react to that. Wasn’t what she’d said good news? “Yes.”

  His face grew shuttered. “You wouldn’t sleep with me again even if I were the last man on earth. Got it. Thanks for putting me on notice.”

  There was that odd element in his voice again. It confused her. She thought she was telling him what he wanted to hear, what would make him the most amenable to allowing her back into his life, if only for the sake of their son. But he seemed more offended than relieved.

  Was it an ego thing? Did he want her to continue to worship at his feet?

  “It’s not that I think you’re unattractive or anything,” she said. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “Of course you didn’t. Any woman would be lucky to be with me. Any woman but you, right?”

  Her breath caught in her throat. This was somehow going sideways again. “Even I think you’re handsome, Riley.”

  “God, Phoenix.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “Will you...stop? Just say what you really think and feel? I’m not as big an ogre as you’re making me out to be.”

  She cleared her throat. “Okay. Sure. That’s fair. I thought I was being honest, but I’ll just...climb through the window and give you your shirt so you can go home.”

  He folded his arms and leaned against the wall. “You’ll need a ladder if you don’t want my help. You realize that.”

  “You’ve seen the yard. There’s got to be a ladder somewhere. So if you’ll...excuse me.” She waited for him to move down the hall so she wouldn’t have to brush by him, but he didn’t.

  “I have a better plan,” he said, straightening.

  Her eyes lowered instinctively to his chest and the muscles that rippled beneath his skin, but she jerked them up again. “What’s that?”

  “I’ll pick the lock.”

  “You can do that?”

  “I don’t see why not. My tools are here.”

  True. They were hanging on the leather belt that rode low on his hips. “You don’t mind?”

  “Stop being so damned polite!” he snapped.

  “Okay.”

  “It’s driving me crazy.”

  “Got it. I’m sorry. I just...know that none of this is reflecting well on me. I shouldn’t have gotten into that Jeep with Jacob. I feel...terrible that I endangered him. I won’t let it happen again.”

  “You tried to draw the danger away from him as soon as you could. I’m grateful for that. What happened wasn’t your fault, anyway. Buddy’s to blame.”

  “I appreciate your understanding,” she said, and meant it.

  “And just so you know something, I’m not going to use Jacob as a weapon against you, so you can stop walking on eggshells around me. I don’t like feeling that you view me as the bad guy. I’m not your enemy.”

  He’d certainly seemed like her enemy in court. But she didn’t say so. She’d long since decided he’d had a right to end their relationship. Maybe he’d thought he loved her and realized later that he didn’t. At seventeen and eighteen, relationships went that way sometimes—on-again, off-again, I love you, I hate you. They were both so young. And anyone was entitled to break up with anyone else, regardless of age. She should’ve just let him go.

  “Thanks.”

  “Go eat.”

  “I’m going. If you’ll—” she indicated the hallway “—let me pass.”

  He scowled. “I’m not blocking you,” he said. “Go!”

  By turning sideways, she managed to slip past him without any contact. But being naked under his shirt and so close to him was bad enough.

  “What? Now I bite, too?” he as
ked. He’d obviously noticed how carefully she’d tried to circumvent him, but she pretended he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t understand what going seventeen years without that kind of touch did to someone. She was so...empty, so lonely. She didn’t want to end up doing exactly what she’d promised she wouldn’t do—crave his touch.

  * * *

  Riley stood still for a few seconds, trying to regulate his breathing. He had no business being turned on by what he’d seen, but his body didn’t give a crap what his brain said, probably because he didn’t get to enjoy many romantic encounters. As a single dad, it wasn’t appropriate to bring home random love interests, and he hadn’t been in a serious relationship for quite some time—actually, none that he’d ever incorporated into his life with Jacob. No one he’d dated felt to him as if she could become Jacob’s stepmother, and it seemed unfair to introduce him to one possibility after another, especially if Riley didn’t have much confidence the relationship would last.

  That, together with living in a small town, had seriously impaired his sex life. Which was why he was sweating right now, he told himself. He’d just seen a naked woman, one he’d slept with in the past, and that conjured up all the old, erotic memories he’d locked away.

  “This is it, in the fridge?” she asked from the kitchen.

  He drew a deep breath before answering. “Yeah, it’s chicken tortilla. After you heat it up, add the cheese, chips and cilantro that are in the white bag on the counter.”

  “I’ve never had this kind of soup, but it sounds good. Would you like some? It’s a big container. There’s plenty for both of us.”

  “No, it’s for you.” He had no idea when she might feel strong enough to walk to town for more groceries. What else was she going to eat?

  “You really don’t want any?”

  “I’m not hungry.” For that. He was suddenly starving for the feel of a woman’s body as his mind’s eye once again focused on the way her hands had tried to cover her breasts.

  He’d seen them despite that...

  “Where’s Jacob?” she asked.

  She was so sure of his contempt for everything about her that he knew she’d never guess he was contending with an unwanted erection.

  “He has a group homework project,” he said, and forced himself to find a nail he could insert through the hole in the center of the lock. This was Phoenix, he told himself. He couldn’t be attracted to her.

  But that didn’t seem to change the fact that he was.

  “Stupid door.” Her voice filtered back to him again. “You’d be home and able to help him if not for that.”

  “Jake handles his studies without me these days.”

  “He’s such a great kid. I hope he wasn’t too upset about this morning.”

  “He’s worried about you.”

  “A little fall is no big deal.”

  A little fall... From her perspective, that was probably true. As she’d said, she’d weathered far worse. He could tell that when he saw her bare back, but he hadn’t noticed any scars while she was in the hall. He’d been far too interested in other things.

  He fished around for the trigger in the knob. He figured if he couldn’t find it, he’d break the door open. Had she been any bigger, she could’ve done that herself, it was so flimsy.

  He managed without too much trouble, swung the door open and gazed around, taking note of how neatly she’d piled her few belongings in one corner, including the items he and Kyle had purchased for her. She didn’t have a chest of drawers, and yet she’d put one in Jacob’s room. That detail didn’t slip past him. It looked as if Jacob had the more comfortable bed, too.

  “Did you get the lock to open?” she asked from the end of the hall.

  “Yeah.” Conscious of his lingering erection, he turned only partway to answer. Then he acted as if he was doing something with his tool belt and adjusted himself.

  “Thanks.”

  When he glanced up again, he noticed that she was waiting expectantly, eager to get into her room. No doubt she wanted to change into an outfit that made her feel less vulnerable. But she didn’t approach, and he knew she wouldn’t as long as she had to come anywhere close to him. She’d made her escape when she maneuvered past him in the hall and was bent on keeping her distance.

  Who could blame her? She’d been punished enough for sleeping with him seventeen years ago.

  “The soup’s delicious,” she said, leaning against the wall and holding the bowl as she ate. “What do I owe you for that?”

  “Nothing. It’s my treat.”

  “You got it from a restaurant. Let me pay you back.”

  That damned pride! “With your bracelet money?”

  She seemed startled by the comment. “That’s just a little something I started in prison. I don’t know how it will go.”

  “Looks like it’s going pretty good right now.”

  “Better than I expected,” she admitted with a shy smile.

  “How’d you get into that?”

  “They offered a class on working with leather at the prison. I took it and...came up with a few things that some of the other women liked and wanted to buy. So I sold them, took the money and bought more supplies. Then I sold those and did the whole process over again. There was a prison guard who especially liked them. After she bought several for gifts, she talked to me about posting them on Etsy.com and eBay. I had to share the proceeds with her, but I couldn’t have done it on my own. And that’s what gave me most of the money I sent you.”

  He chafed at the reminder. That money must have been such a sacrifice, and he hadn’t really needed it. Most of it was still in a savings account for Jake’s college fund. Jake knew she’d sent money once in a while, but he didn’t know Riley hadn’t spent much of it.

  “Now that you’ve been released—is it strictly your business?” He hoped the prison guard wasn’t still getting a cut.

  She nodded. “That was always the understanding.”

  “That’s nice. So people pay you via PayPal?”

  “Yeah. And it goes right into my account. I’m not earning a lot, but...it’s something.”

  “Why didn’t you tell Jacob you’d made what you gave him?”

  “No reason,” she said, but he knew that was a lie. She must’ve been afraid he’d reject it—or she didn’t want him to feel obligated to accept it.

  She tried hard not to expect anyone to love her, he realized.

  “Thanks for...coming to the rescue yet again,” she said.

  If she apologized once more for the trouble she’d caused him, he was going to throttle her. “Like I said before, I don’t mind.”

  Finally satisfied that his body was no longer demanding sexual fulfillment, he returned the nail to his pouch and approached her. But the closer he got, the more she backed up, until they were both in the kitchen.

  “I told Jake he could stop by when he was done with his homework, so you might want to go ahead and get dressed.”

  She stiffened. “Jake’s coming here?”

  The panic in her voice surprised him. “Where else?”

  “But...I’m not ready. I don’t want him to judge me by...by what he sees around here. And look at me!”

  “He’s not going to judge you at all,” he said, but thanks to her mother, she’d been judged her whole life. He knew he wasn’t going to convince her.

  “His room isn’t ready,” she went on. “I’d like to repair some of the furniture I have in there. And paint. And clean up outside.” She did a double take when she noticed the wallpaper she’d been removing was gone. “What happened to— Did you finish it?”

  He shrugged. “It didn’t take long.”

  “Thank you. That was really hard to get off.”

  “It helps to have a scraper.”

  “What else did you do?” she asked.

  He listed the various chores, but she didn’t seem pleased. “You didn’t need to do all that.”

  “I didn’t have anything else to keep me
busy.”

  “Still...”

  “It’s not a big deal. So what do you want me to do about Jake? Would you rather I told him he can’t come?”

  She worried her bottom lip. “If you wouldn’t mind. I’d like to have everything perfect before he sees it.”

  He couldn’t help responding to her earnest expression. “Of course.”

  Her body softened in relief. “Thank you.”

  “I’ll head out, then.” He stepped to one side.

  “Okay. I’ll be right back with your shirt.”

  While she was gone, Riley checked the soup container and was gratified to see that she’d eaten quite a bit. She must’ve been starved...

  “Phoenix!”

  Riley couldn’t see Lizzie, but he could hear her shrieking her daughter’s name, and then, “Where are you? Where the hell is my dinner? You want me to starve in here?”

  Phoenix didn’t respond, but Riley was quite certain she could hear; all the windows were open. If he had to guess, she was hesitant to scream across the distance as her mother was doing.

  He imagined her in the bedroom, changing as fast as she could so she could hurry over to the other trailer, where she’d do whatever Lizzie asked, just to shut her up. But Phoenix had a possible concussion, with six stitches, and Riley felt she should be left alone to rest.

  Telling himself he’d bring more food for the next day, he grabbed the leftover soup and stalked over to Lizzie’s with it. “Here you go,” he said. “Phoenix told me to give you this for dinner. She’s been meaning to bring it by but she was too busy with bracelet orders.”

  Lizzie’s eyes just about bugged out of her head as she recognized him. And when her gaze lowered to his bare chest, he knew he should’ve at least put on his shirt. What had happened was so innocent, and he was so used to working without a shirt, that he hadn’t even considered how it might appear.

  “What are you doing here?” Lizzie asked, as if the devil had shown up at her door. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping with my daughter again! Surely, she isn’t that stupid.”