This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  “Ex-con or not, you’re prettier than most women,” he said. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  She looked more skeptical than flattered. “I’d wait for the next game, but I’ve been dying to see him in action, so...maybe I’ll be able to find a hat, one that’ll hide the bandage over my stitches.”

  “A hat’s a good idea. It’s been damn hot this spring. You could get sunburned sitting out there.”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” she said as they moved to the front door.

  “Okay, I’ll pick you up at three-thirty.”

  She grabbed his arm as he stepped out, then immediately let go as if she’d caught herself doing something she shouldn’t. “Wait, what are you talking about? Pick me up for what?”

  “The game. What else?”

  “I don’t expect a ride. I can get there on my own. There’s no need.”

  “Of course there is.”

  “No, there isn’t! It’s not like this is on your way. Which reminds me. I had a bike out here.” She indicated the spot from which he’d taken it. “You didn’t happen to see it, did you?”

  He considered denying it but didn’t want to give her any reason to call Kyle. “It’s at the shop.”

  “What shop?”

  “Do you remember Noah Rackham?”

  She nodded. “His brother died not long after Lori did. That was a tragic summer...for all of us.”

  Riley didn’t want to talk about Lori. He still wasn’t sure who to believe about what had happened that day—Phoenix or his mother and everyone else. “He owns the bike shop in town.”

  “So?”

  “He’s fixing it.”

  “How? You mean...you took my bike to him?”

  “You need to have some way to get around.”

  Her expression hardened. “But I don’t want you to provide it.”

  He grimaced. “Don’t let your pride stand between you and the things you need, Phoenix.”

  “Pride? All I have left is my self-respect. You want to take that away, too?”

  Suddenly uncomfortable, and feeling more responsible than ever for his part in her trial, he shifted his feet. “That was never my intention.”

  “Good.” She raised her chin. “Because I can get by on my own. I don’t need your help.”

  He thought of mentioning how grateful she’d been for Kyle’s compassion but was afraid that if he did, she’d make Kyle take back all the stuff they’d bought. “Fine,” he said with a shrug.

  “That means no more food,” she insisted, handing him the chicken sandwich. “No more anything. And please leave my bike at the shop until I can afford to pick it up.”

  “Noah’s my buddy. He’s fixing it for free.”

  “I don’t care. I don’t want pity—especially yours.”

  “It’s not pity. It’s...”

  “What?” she demanded. “Why would you ever want to help me?”

  To relieve some of the guilt he suffered for letting his parents talk him into breaking up with her, and for not being kinder while she was in prison. There’d been times when he’d been tempted to reverse his policy, to give Jacob her many letters. But after convincing himself that she had too many character flaws, he couldn’t. Also, the future—when she might get out, what she might do when she did and what she would be like—had been such an unknown. He’d felt Jacob would be safer if they stuck to the familiar and ignored all the doubt, all the questions.

  Besides, being friendly with her opened him and Jake up to the possibility that they might come to believe her side of the story, which would saddle him with even more guilt. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  She gestured dismissively. “At that age...”

  “Don’t make excuses for me,” he broke in. “I knew what love was, and I was in love with you.”

  He didn’t wait for her response. He wasn’t asking her to forgive him. He thought that might be too much. And yet he did want her to know she hadn’t been crazy for trusting her heart.

  She’d come out onto the steps and that caught his attention as he climbed into the cab of his truck. She didn’t say anything, didn’t even wave.

  But she smiled, and he smiled back.

  10

  When Kyle showed up at Jacob’s game, he was wearing the leather bracelet Phoenix had made for him. Riley tried not to let that bother him, but he found his eyes straying to it again and again.

  “She’s not here yet?”

  “Who?” Riley asked, pretending Phoenix hadn’t been on his mind just about every second since she’d come back.

  “You know who. Jake’s mom.”

  “No.”

  Kyle rested both fists on his hips. “Maybe I should go by her place, see if she needs a ride.”

  “I dropped off her bike last night.” Since it had been late, and all her lights were off, he’d left it leaning against the side of the trailer, where he’d found it when they’d brought over the clothes and food. He’d also left her a Whiskey Creek Miners baseball cap, in case she hadn’t been able to find a hat to hide her stitches.

  Kyle continued to search the crowd. “It’s a long ride,” he said.

  “Not as long as it is a walk. I’m sure she’ll be here soon.” He didn’t want Kyle giving her a ride if she wouldn’t accept one from him.

  Kyle didn’t seem to like his response, but he sat down and propped his feet on the bench below them, as Riley was doing. “It’ll take guts to come here, especially on a bike.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with riding a bike,” Riley said.

  “When you’re doing it to stay healthy or for the environment, no. But riding a bike because you’re an ex-con and don’t have any better transportation? That only gives people something else to look down on you for.”

  “The people in this town feel as if they have plenty to look down on her for already.”

  “That’s why I’m worried. I don’t like the idea of everyone pointing and staring.”

  “She’s not even here yet, Kyle.”

  “If she comes.”

  “She’ll be fine. She just wants to see Jacob play.”

  “So she’ll brave it. I get that. She braves a lot of things. But this won’t be easy.”

  Riley scowled at him. He wasn’t pleased by how defensive of Phoenix Kyle had become. They were the only two in their circle of friends who weren’t married. Neither one of them had met the right woman. But Riley wasn’t about to let Kyle start thinking Phoenix might be a possibility. “She’s none of your concern, bro.”

  Kyle threw him a disgruntled look. He obviously found that comment unnecessary, but Riley didn’t retract it. He pretended to focus on watching his son warm up—until Kyle muttered, “Oh, shit.”

  Riley followed his friend’s line of sight to see his parents approaching with their padded bleacher seats and cooler, and said the same thing to himself. They came whenever possible. Now that they were retired, that included at least half of Jacob’s home games. But Riley had hoped they’d miss this one. He hadn’t mentioned it to them, hadn’t mentioned that Jacob had invited Phoenix, either.

  “Hello!” His mother lifted up her chair so he’d come take it from her and help her get situated. He did that while his father visited with the parents of another kid on the team. But Riley had a hard time acting happy to see his folks. Phoenix was going to have it rough enough, being noticed by everyone else. The last thing she needed was for his mother to be staring daggers at her.

  At least Corinne Mansfield hadn’t come. Corinne and his mother were close enough that Corinne attended some of Jacob’s games. They’d sit and talk through most of it, but Helen felt she was doing her part just by being there.

  “Who are we playing today?” she asked.

  “El Dorado High,” Riley said.

  “They’re from Placerville, aren’t they?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jake can handle them Cougars.” His father, having finished his conversation, joined them.

  Rile
y hoped his dad was right. He always got a little nervous for his son. So much of the game depended on the pitcher. It was a great deal of pressure, especially since Jake hoped to play college ball.

  But today there were other, bigger things to worry about, he realized as he spotted a lone woman making her way to an isolated spot in the visitors’ bleachers.

  Phoenix had arrived.

  * * *

  Phoenix felt so many butterflies in her stomach, she thought she might be sick. She kept telling herself that everything would be fine, that if Buddy Mansfield had any reason to attend the game, he wouldn’t attack her in front of so many spectators. Most sporting events were well attended in Whiskey Creek. There weren’t many other things to do. They didn’t even have their own movie theater.

  But who could say what might happen? And as much as she feared getting hurt again, she was even more worried that her coming here might turn out to be an embarrassment for her son. She couldn’t imagine Jacob would invite her back if her presence caused too much of a scene.

  Pulling her hat low in hopes that she wouldn’t be noticed or recognized, she sat as far as she could from the home crowd, along the edge of the opposite bleacher, where she could see her bike. She didn’t have a lock and didn’t want it to be stolen. She doubted any of these people would be tempted to take it for its financial value, but if they realized it belonged to her, there was no telling what they might do...

  Taking a deep breath, she searched the baseball diamond and spotted her son in the bull pen. He looked so mature in his uniform. She smiled as she rested her chin on her hand and listened to that solid whomp as the ball hit the catcher’s mitt over and over.

  Fortunately, no one on the visitors’ side seemed to care about her. She wasn’t causing a stir even on the home side. If she was lucky, the whole game would pass this way.

  That gave her a bit of confidence, so she grabbed the backpack she used to carry around her computer and took out the sunflower seeds and sports drink she’d purchased for Jake by scrounging up all the change she could find in her mother’s trailer. Lizzie had complained about the “mess” Phoenix made searching through everything, but she’d done it while eating the breakfast Phoenix had prepared for her, so she hadn’t been too serious about it.

  Anxious to give her son these treats, like the other mothers were doing, she waited for the right moment. She’d hate to get him in trouble with the coach...

  When the game was about to start, she decided it was too late. Better to forget her little offering than to create a problem. But the way Jake kept looking into the stands as if he was searching for someone made her wonder if he could be looking for her.

  She waved to get his attention, and he waved back, apparently satisfied. Taking courage from that, she kept her eyes trained on him and walked down to the fence.

  “I brought you some seeds,” she said when he met her there. “But maybe you already have some.”

  “I can always use more.” He came around the fence to accept the Gatorade, too. “Thanks!”

  “I’m really excited to see you play,” she told him.

  He flashed her a grin. “I hope I don’t screw up.”

  She slipped her hands in the pockets of the shorts Kyle had purchased for her. She’d worn them with the pretty turquoise blouse that was her favorite. “You won’t. But it doesn’t matter to me either way. I’m proud of you just for getting out there.”

  The coach called him, and he put his Gatorade and seeds in the dugout before taking the mound to finish warming up.

  She stood at the fence awhile longer. She could see him so much more clearly when she was this close—until the opposing team filled the dugout, blocking her view, and someone started calling out the batting order.

  “You can do this,” she murmured for Jacob’s sake. That was when she first noticed Riley. He was sitting directly across from her, wearing the same kind of ball cap she was. She couldn’t be sure because the bill of that cap shaded his face, but she thought he was staring at her. And he wasn’t the only one. Kyle was sitting with him. So were his parents. Phoenix hadn’t seen Helen and Tom for seventeen years, but she recognized them. The fact that she’d come out of the stands to speak to Jacob had alerted everyone to her identity.

  Feeling far too conspicuous, she let go of the chain link—she hadn’t even been aware that she’d been clinging to it—and forced her legs to carry her back to the unobtrusive spot she’d selected. She figured if she didn’t do anything else, they’d eventually look away. So she leaned over to check on her bike, which was, thankfully, still leaning against the pole that supported the back of the bleachers. Then she clasped her hands in her lap and tried to ignore everything except the game.

  She might’ve managed that, except she caught sight of some commotion and couldn’t help another nervous glance in Riley’s direction. His mother had started toward her, but Riley had gotten up and taken hold of Helen’s arm.

  Phoenix couldn’t hear them, but she knew they were arguing—about her—and that brought a fresh onslaught of self-consciousness and concern. Should she leave? Others were beginning to study her and whisper. Even Jacob, who’d thrown three pitches, had stopped to look over at them, then at her, as if he understood exactly what was going on.

  Afraid she might blow his concentration if she stayed, she hurried down the bleachers, hopped on her bike and pedaled home.

  * * *

  Jacob didn’t say much after he got home from the game. Riley had grilled him a burger and opened a can of green beans, but he refused to serve the mashed sweet potatoes his mother had dropped off earlier, even though that was their favorite dish. He was mad at her for the way she’d reacted to seeing Phoenix at the ballpark. Largely because of her and the upset she’d caused, Jake had struggled at the mound and been pulled from the pitcher’s mound. Even worse, they’d lost the game.

  “Will you want another burger when you’re done with that one?” he asked as he watched his son chewing glumly.

  “No.”

  Riley had eaten earlier when the burgers first came off the grill. The coach had kept Jacob late—talking to him about his poor performance, no doubt—so Riley had to keep his son’s food warm until he got home. “You okay?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  “It’s hard to pitch when you can’t focus on the game. You had a lot on your mind.”

  Jake said nothing, so Riley assumed he’d finish his meal in silence. But his son suddenly blurted out, “I feel bad for her! Doesn’t anyone care that she might’ve been innocent?”

  Riley didn’t want to have that debate again. He’d believed she was guilty; he couldn’t have stopped her from going to prison, anyway. But now that she was back, he was having the same doubts and sympathies Jacob was. “Your grandma shouldn’t have made a scene. Phoenix had every right to be there.”

  “Exactly! I invited her! But Grandma thinks it’s okay to hate her—that we should all hate her. I saw how mad she got when you wouldn’t let her go over to Phoenix. She left the park, too.”

  The public nature of that argument had been embarrassing. Riley owed his parents a great deal. They’d given him so much support with Jacob. He doubted he could’ve gotten through Jacob’s infancy without them; at eighteen, there was no way he could’ve been the type of father Jacob needed and gotten through college at the same time.

  His mother had reminded him of that in front of the whole home crowd. But, damn it, wasn’t he justified in telling her to butt out on certain issues? Or was it as ungrateful as she said it was for him to accept her mashed sweet potatoes, for instance, but not her advice?

  “Grandpa didn’t leave,” he pointed out, looking for a bright spot to cheer his son.

  Jake sent him a look indicating that didn’t help. “I bet he wanted to when I walked my fourth batter!”

  It had been difficult to watch his son miss the strike zone so many times, especially since Riley knew that personal issues were getting in the way of his per
formance. But he didn’t want to make a big deal of it. He was sure the coach had already said all there was to say. “Every pitcher has an off night now and then, even the pros.”

  “I’m not worried about me, Dad. Baseball’s a game. It means a lot to me, but...I can’t quit thinking about how Mom must’ve felt, being chased off like that.”

  She’d ridden a bike for ten miles—to the high school and back—in the heat of the day and with six stitches in her head. As Riley watched the game, he kept remembering that. He’d also imagined Buddy spotting her along the road and running her into another ditch.

  “I saw she brought you something to drink,” he said. “That was nice of her.”

  “Yeah. She got me some sunflower seeds, too.” He toyed with his green beans but didn’t seem too interested in eating them. “I’ve watched other kids’ moms do that stuff my whole life—be it the room mom or the team mom or...whatever. Today it felt like it was my turn to have my mom do that, even though it is kind of late.”

  Riley had done all he could to make sure Jacob had everything he needed, but he couldn’t completely replace a mother. He’d had to work even harder when Jacob was young, when he’d been trying to get his business started. He hadn’t been able to spend much time at the school. He’d felt out of place when he did go, since he was generally the only man and so much younger than the other parents. “Your grandma used to send in cupcakes for your birthday.”

  That wasn’t much of a consolation, but Riley didn’t have anything else to say.

  “And it was nice of her,” Jacob responded, “but...does she have to make me feel bad just because I want to know my mother? I mean, do we have to believe what everyone else thinks, or can we make up our own minds?”

  Riley sighed as he took a stool at the island where Jacob was eating. “We owe it to ourselves, and your mother, to do just that.”

  “Even if we’re the only ones who like her?”

  “Even if. That’s why I stopped your grandma.”

  Jacob put a green bean in his mouth. “So you don’t mind if I get to know her.”