This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  She was going to have to get used to living in Whiskey Creek. That meant she might as well suffer through the point, stare and whisper stuff now. She couldn’t run away whenever she bumped into someone who knew her story.

  “Hi.” She sat back and crossed her legs, hoping to come across as polite but dismissive, so that he wouldn’t feel he needed to do anything beyond acknowledge her. Truth be told, she hadn’t even expected that much, but she thought it was nice of him.

  “You look pretty in that blouse.”

  She was wearing the same shorts and top she’d worn to the game. That was slightly embarrassing, but she didn’t have a lot, and no one knew that better than he did. “Thanks.”

  He indicated her computer. “You working?”

  “Yeah. I had quite a few orders come in last night, which means I’ll be able to give you some money for Jacob in the next few days.”

  “Jacob and I are doing okay,” he said. “Why don’t you keep the extra and use it for yourself? It’ll take you a while to get set up, and I’m fine with that.”

  Riley had never asked her for money, but that was partly why she insisted on giving Jacob as much as she could. She wanted to prove that she was willing to do her part. And she didn’t want to give Riley any more reason than he already had to deny her visitation. “Taking care of a kid can’t be put on hold. And it won’t be a burden. I have quite a few more orders than I was anticipating.”

  He seemed unsure of what to say, but he nodded. “That’s got to be a relief.”

  “It is. Now I just need to get them made.”

  “You don’t have inventory?”

  “Not much. Just what I use to photograph or experiment with.”

  Before he could say anything else, Kyle walked in, spotted them and bypassed the order line and his other friends to come and say hello. “Hey! How are you?”

  His friendliness was so reassuring Phoenix felt her anxiety ease and her smile widen. She also noticed that he was wearing the bracelet she’d made him. “It’s good to see you.”

  “You, too,” he said. “You look great.”

  She’d done what she could to hide her stitches by wearing her hair down instead of pulling it back. “That’s because someone has excellent taste in clothes.”

  A muscle moved in Riley’s cheek, as if he wasn’t pleased by this exchange, but he didn’t interrupt.

  “I’m glad you liked it all.” He lifted his wrist. “I like what I got out of the deal, too.”

  She was careful not to allow her gaze to return to Riley. “Thanks. I know it’s...different.”

  “You mean cool.”

  “Everyone’s waiting for us.” Riley clapped Kyle on the back a bit harder than usual, judging by Kyle’s startled reaction. “And quite a few of us have to get to work.”

  Kyle’s lips twisted as though he was resisting the urge to laugh. “Including me,” he said, then nodded in her direction. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

  “You, too.”

  Kyle paused a second longer. “You still have my number in case you need a ride anywhere, don’t you?”

  “I do.”

  “Don’t hesitate to use it. I don’t want you walking or biking after dark.”

  “She’s not going to call you,” Riley said, and this time Kyle did chuckle.

  “You’re right,” Phoenix said after Kyle had joined the others. “I won’t call him. So don’t worry. I’m not trying to horn in on your circle. He’s just...a nice guy, so I was being nice back.”

  “And the fact that you’re pretty and single has nothing to do with it.”

  She wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly. “Excuse me?”

  “Nothing. Never mind.” He glanced at the menu written on the chalkboard, then at her table, which held nothing but her laptop and the backpack she used to transport it. “Can I get you a cup of coffee or anything?”

  She’d spent every dime she had the day of Jacob’s game, buying him the seeds and sports drink. But she wasn’t worried anymore. Thanks to those thirty orders, everything was going to be okay. “No, I’m fine. I had a cup of coffee when I came in,” she lied.

  “They have breakfast things, too. Bran muffins and such.”

  “I’m fine.” She hoped her stomach wouldn’t growl—and was relieved when it didn’t. “Don’t let me keep you from your friends.”

  Those friends were sitting at the corner table, but they were craning their necks to get a good look at her. Although they were smiling as if they were trying to be friendly, she couldn’t rely on that.

  She figured she’d let them satisfy their curiosity while she finished her work. Then she’d fold up her laptop and get out of there. She didn’t like being reminded of the disparity between her social standing and theirs.

  “Okay,” he said. “Congratulations on the orders.”

  She gave him a parting nod. “Thanks.”

  As soon as he went back to his friends, she lowered her head, intent on getting those last few emails sent off. She didn’t like being at Black Gold when it got busy like this; that was why she generally came early, before the crowds. She should’ve left the second she’d spotted Riley’s friends, even if it meant coming back later, in the heat of the day. Because five minutes hadn’t passed when she heard someone murmur, “Fucking bitch.”

  Somehow she separated those words from all the other ambient noise. Riley and his group hadn’t picked up on them. They were talking and laughing as if the rest of the world could stop turning and they’d hardly be aware of it.

  She was glad of that. She didn’t want them to notice, because when she looked up, she saw that it was Buddy Mansfield. He’d walked in with a friend. They were both glaring at her, and Buddy’s face was completely red.

  “Oh, no,” she whispered as her heart started to thump. She did not want to cause a scene inside the coffee shop. She hated being a spectacle in the first place; she especially didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of Riley.

  Determined to avoid a confrontation, even if it was only a verbal one, she grabbed her laptop, leaving her backpack behind to save time, and ducked into the women’s restroom. She would’ve preferred to disappear altogether. Unfortunately, that was impossible. Buddy and his friend stood between her and the front door.

  She looked up at the only window, hoping she could climb through it. But it was too small, too high and it didn’t open by more than a crack.

  Praying that Buddy would order and then get out, she hugged her laptop to her chest and waited, shifting from foot to foot.

  “Go home,” she murmured, willing him to do just that.

  The door banged open instead.

  “You think I don’t have the balls to come in here after you?” Buddy demanded, blocking the doorway along with his friend, who stood slightly behind him.

  The memory of the look on Buddy’s face when he’d nearly run her down caused her to start sweating. “I don’t want any trouble.”

  She spoke low so that Riley and his friends wouldn’t be able to hear, but Buddy didn’t follow her lead. “I don’t give a shit!” he yelled. “You killed my sister. Do you think I want to see you when I drive through town? When I pick up a coffee? When I go out to dinner?”

  His friend seemed interested and supportive, although he didn’t say anything.

  “I didn’t—I didn’t...” she started, but her tongue tripped over itself and she couldn’t seem to get the words out. Probably because she wasn’t sure what to say. She wanted to tell him she hadn’t killed anyone, but she knew he wouldn’t believe her. It would be much smarter to try and defuse the situation, so that she could escape without further injury. “I’ll leave. Now. If you’ll just...let me pass.”

  “Let you pass? When you’re flipping me off by coming back here? By showing me you’re alive and well when Lori is—” his voice broke but he seemed to regain control of it “—when Lori’s gone for good?”

  He stepped toward her, and she stepped back but came up against th
e bathroom stalls. “I’m sorry about Lori. I don’t want her to be gone. To be honest, there’ve been many days when I wished she was still around instead of me. But I can’t change the past. You and I—we both have to figure out how to go on.”

  “That doesn’t mean I have to put up with your presence in my own town.”

  She hugged her laptop tighter. “It’s my town, too, Buddy. I have a son here. That’s the main reason I came back. For Jake and my mother.”

  “Jake has his dad. He doesn’t need no ex-con whore. And your fat bitch of a mother deserves everything she’s got. You’re no good—for anyone. Do you understand? You’d be doing us all a favor if you...”

  “What’s going on in here?”

  The moment Riley appeared in the doorway, shouldering his way past Buddy’s friend, Phoenix felt tears well up, but she swallowed hard and blinked them back.

  “Nothing that’s any of your business,” Buddy replied. “Tell him, Stan.”

  Buddy’s friend didn’t tell Riley anything. He merely shrugged as if he wasn’t sure what to do.

  Riley ignored him. “Don’t cause trouble, Buddy,” he said. “How will that help you get over what happened to Lori?”

  When Buddy pointed at her, he was close enough that his finger almost jabbed her in the nose. “She shouldn’t be here!”

  Riley moved closer to Buddy. “Do you think she would’ve come back if she’d killed Lori?”

  “What are you talking about? She was driving the car!”

  “She’s served her time. She can go anywhere, even here.” With a quick gesture to her, Riley added, “Go ahead and scoot.”

  Phoenix hated herself for being so grateful to him. Until the relief set in, she hadn’t realized just how frightened she’d been. But as soon as she took a step toward the door, Buddy shoved her back, knocking her into the toilet stall and causing her to drop her computer.

  She knew she’d broken it the moment she heard it crash on the concrete floor.

  “No!” Her entire business depended on that computer!

  She scrambled to retrieve it, but Buddy stepped on her hand, twisting his foot as if he hoped to crush every bone.

  Then all hell broke loose. Riley grabbed Buddy by the collar, whirled him around and hit him in the face, and the momentum of that punch threw him against the sink.

  Buddy’s friend yelled, “What the hell!” and took a swing at Riley. Fortunately, one of Riley’s friends, who were now crowding the door, stopped the forward motion of his fist and dragged him out.

  Phoenix thought it might all be over—until she saw Buddy recover his balance and charge Riley. Leaving her computer where it had fallen, she lunged toward Lori’s brother, trying to intercept the blow. The last thing she needed was for anyone else to get hurt. But Dylan Amos, one of the people who’d been sitting with Riley’s friends, pulled her against his chest.

  “Get her out of here,” Riley yelled, just before he and Buddy began to fight in earnest.

  Phoenix had never seen Riley come to blows with anyone. He’d always been popular, well liked and well-adjusted. She couldn’t believe he was in a scrum now, and didn’t want to be the cause of it.

  “Riley, no!” she cried. “Stop!”

  She struggled to free herself so she could insist he leave the bathroom. Buddy was so much bigger, she was afraid of what would happen if the fight continued. But Dylan held her fast.

  “Don’t distract him,” he murmured in her ear.

  “But he’s going to get hurt!” Wasn’t that obvious? Why wasn’t anyone stepping in to stop this? Riley’s friends were holding Stan back so it would be a fair match, but that was it.

  “He’ll be okay,” Dylan assured her. “He’s mad enough to take just about anybody. I wouldn’t even get in his way, and I’ve had a hell of a lot more experience.”

  “I’ve never seen him like this,” someone else marveled. Phoenix thought it might’ve been Kyle, but she couldn’t turn her head to look. Her eyes were riveted on the two men exchanging blows—until Riley got hit in the face and his nose began to bleed. Then it felt as if she’d been hit herself, and she couldn’t bear to watch.

  “I’m going to be sick,” she told Dylan. “Let me go.”

  He must’ve decided she wasn’t bluffing. Blocking her so she couldn’t change her mind and reenter the bathroom, he released his hold.

  Despite her wobbling knees, Phoenix managed to push through the crowd that was gathering but barely made it outside before throwing up.

  12

  It was particularly hot that night. Phoenix lay in bed, staring at the glow of her mother’s floodlight streaming through the window and listening to the whir of the old fan she’d found in the yard. It hummed in perfect rhythm, oscillating back and forth. The air it stirred offered a measure of relief, but she couldn’t sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Buddy’s fist knock Riley’s head back and the blood spurt from his nose.

  Then she felt sick all over again.

  Was he okay?

  She didn’t know. She had no idea what had happened after she left. Once she’d wiped her mouth, she’d grabbed her bike and hurried down the street. She hadn’t had the strength to go very far, so she’d slipped into the countryside, where she’d be hidden by the rolling landscape and trees, and had remained there for at least two hours—until she’d felt strong enough to travel more than a few feet. While she was hiding, Kyle had driven by very slowly, as if he was looking for her. She’d glimpsed his truck more than once. But she hadn’t wanted to talk to him, hadn’t wanted to learn the outcome of the fight in case Riley had a broken nose or jaw.

  He’s fine. She tried using some of the positive affirmations Coop had taught her while she was behind bars. But nothing seemed to ease her anxiety. She kept imagining Jacob seeing his father come home bruised and bloody, and blaming her. Or Riley cursing her for returning to Whiskey Creek, where no one wanted her, anyway.

  He must wish she’d leave town as much as Buddy did.

  Maybe she should. After all, it wasn’t Buddy’s fault that he hated her. He didn’t know she was innocent of his sister’s murder. Her story about someone else grabbing the wheel—she knew how far-farfetched that sounded. No one had believed it at her trial and no one believed it now.

  But what about her mother? Lizzie should receive some compassion, shouldn’t she? Some family love and loyalty despite her problems? Wasn’t that where the unconditional part of unconditional love came in?

  Your fat bitch of a mother deserves everything she’s got...

  Trying to stop the echo of those words in her head, Phoenix rolled over. But it was no use. She couldn’t relax. She considered going down to the creek to cool off. Then she noticed that there was a light still burning in her mother’s trailer...

  Phoenix was just wondering whether she had the mental fortitude to keep Lizzie company—she’d made them both dinner but hadn’t mentioned the fight—when she saw a pair of headlights turn into the drive.

  Was it Riley?

  She guessed it was, so she hurried to pull on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. She was so convinced it had to be him that when she opened the front door, she was surprised to see Kyle’s truck and not Riley’s.

  He got out with her backpack and battered computer, and brought them toward her. “Hey.”

  She waited for him to join her on the landing. “Hi.”

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Of course.” She didn’t ask how things went at the coffee shop. She was too afraid to hear.

  “Dylan said you were pretty upset when you left this morning.”

  She slipped her hands in her back pockets and stuck out her chin. “I don’t like anyone fighting my battles for me.”

  “Anyone?” he asked. “Or Riley, when there’s a chance he might get hurt?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She scowled to show him she didn’t appreciate the suggestion. “I’m not carrying a torch for Riley, if that’s what you’
re suggesting. I haven’t called him once. I haven’t gone over there. I haven’t done anything.”

  “I believe you have no plans of getting back with him, because you think that would be too much to hope for. But that doesn’t mean you don’t care about him.”

  “That’s...crazy, not true, except...I care about him. Of course I care about him. He’s Jacob’s father.” She spoke in a throwaway tone, as if that were the extent of it—and hoped to God it was. Nothing would be more dangerous to her than feeling what she’d once felt for Riley.

  He rubbed his chin as he studied her. “So aren’t you curious how it ended?”

  “Not really,” she lied.

  A patient smile curved his lips. “He’s fine, Phoenix. He handled himself well. Buddy got the worst of it.”

  She hauled in a deep breath to temper the relief that was flowing through her and, oddly enough, suddenly felt like crying.

  Fortunately, she was able to hold back the tears. She didn’t understand why she was turning into such a big baby after leaving prison. The other inmates would make fun of her if they knew. Even Coop would probably give her a knowing smile. “Who stopped it?” she asked. “Did the police come?”

  “No. It was just a brawl between two men. The baristas broke it up not long after you left.”

  She curved her fingernails into her palms. “Then what?”

  “We all left, too.”

  “Riley was bleeding. I saw...I saw that.”

  He shrugged. “He got a bloody nose. It’ll be swollen for a few days, but Buddy’s hand might be broken, and he’s going to have one heck of a shiner. You should’ve seen his eye.”

  She didn’t want to see his eye. She just wanted the past to go away, wanted them all to move on. “Riley didn’t need to get involved. I don’t know why he did.”

  “Someone had to do something, Phoenix. Buddy can’t keep torturing you. I’m sorry for him, sorry about what happened to his sister. But you’ve served your time.”

  “I didn’t kill her,” she said. She’d long ago stopped trying to convince people. It was hurtful and frustrating to be treated to another dose of skepticism and doubt. But she cared what Kyle thought of her. As much as she wished it was otherwise, she cared what Riley’s whole group thought.