This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  “I can understand why you’d say that. But I think it’s pretty clear who he wants.”

  “Not me,” she insisted.

  “You won’t accept what he’s offering you?”

  “There’s no offer.”

  “We can all see it but you, I guess. Anyway, I’m glad he’s not interested in her.”

  Despite Eve’s hint, Phoenix couldn’t imagine that Riley’s friends would be any happier if he ended up with someone who’d served seventeen years for murder and still couldn’t prove her innocence. So what if Eve was with a guy who’d done time? He didn’t have any history, or enemies, in Whiskey Creek. That meant he could borrow from Eve’s reputation, start with an almost clean slate.

  Phoenix might’ve said as much, but Eve was already walking off. She seemed to be heading into the house—until Gail stopped her to ask when Callie was due.

  The pregnancy was news to Phoenix, but their words became background noise in spite of her interest. Riley had come to the glass doors and was staring out at her. His date must’ve gone to bed because she didn’t seem to be with him.

  When he walked out, Phoenix got the impression that he was planning to come over to her. But she felt too beleaguered to maintain her defenses. So when one of his friends waylaid him, she hurried around the fire pit on the opposite side and slipped into the house.

  She was running away from him, and she knew he’d pick up on that. But she didn’t want to make matters worse by letting their feelings take control. She was afraid that if they were together for any length of time, they’d wind up in bed.

  It was time to call it a night—and save her energy for the new battle tomorrow would bring.

  In the light of day, maybe he wouldn’t be so hard to resist.

  22

  “What’d she say?”

  Eve, who’d gone into the kitchen, turned from pouring herself a glass of water. “She?”

  Riley frowned at her. “Don’t play games. You know who I’m talking about.”

  “Phoenix? She said you and Candy make a great couple.”

  He finished the beer he’d carried in with him and tossed the bottle into the receptacle. “I can’t believe they’re both here. It’s been really awkward.”

  “Riley, even if you win Phoenix over, getting together with her won’t be easy. She’s...defensive, cautious, afraid.”

  “She might be all those things, but I don’t believe she killed Lori. I feel like shit that I ever did.”

  She pulled herself up onto the counter. “The way I’ve always heard it, there’s not much question.”

  “There’s plenty of question. She didn’t do it.” He was adamant about that, felt the misgivings he’d wrestled with before had been pointing him toward the truth all along and wished he’d listened to his intuition seventeen years ago.

  “She seems nice,” Eve said. “Really nice.” There was some reservation in her response.

  “But...you don’t think I should date her?”

  “I don’t know her well enough to make that call. Either way, I like her a heck of a lot more than Candy.” She twisted around to peer out into the darkened living room. “Speaking of which...where is your date?”

  He lowered his voice. “She finally passed out.”

  “She’s okay, though?”

  “Yeah. She’s fine. Just drunk. And I’m grateful for the break.”

  “She was...quite forward.”

  “Too forward. She tried to pull me into a bedroom several times.”

  “How’d you say no?”

  “I just kept guiding her back to the party.”

  “Yikes.”

  “I hope she recovers by morning. Maybe it isn’t polite, but I’m going to ask her to leave.”

  Eve leaned back on her hands. “Didn’t she come with Samantha?”

  “Kyle can give Samantha a ride later if he wants her to stay.”

  “Actually, I doubt he’ll mind if Samantha goes home,” Eve mused. “From what I’ve seen, he avoids her whenever he can.”

  Riley went to the fridge to rummage for the fruit he’d seen Phoenix put in there earlier. “I told him he didn’t know this woman well enough to spend an entire weekend with her.”

  Eve swung her legs against the cupboards, giving them a gentle tap. “It’s too bad they’re not a better fit. Losing Olivia was hard on him. And with her and Brandon both here...”

  “Samantha’s not the one who’s going to help Kyle get over Olivia,” he said, popping some grapes into his mouth.

  She sighed. “I agree. So where’s Samantha now?”

  “She went to bed. I saw her for a few seconds not too long ago, and she apologized for her friend’s behavior.”

  “That’s nice at least.”

  “I’ve never had anyone feel me up the way Candy has.”

  “Once Simon went to bed, she really turned it on.”

  “I guess if she can’t have him, she’ll settle for someone who’s in his circle.”

  “She’s that shallow?”

  “You haven’t noticed?”

  Eve shrugged. “I can’t say I’ve been impressed with her.”

  He thought of how quickly Phoenix had disappeared once Candy had gone to bed. “So you don’t think I have a chance with Phoenix?”

  “Everything she’s suffered has to have changed her. I worry about that.”

  “I do, too. But—” he frowned at the grapes in his hand “—what she’s suffered has only changed her for the better. In any case, nothing seems to stop me from wanting her.”

  “Then maybe you should quit fighting it, give it a shot,” she said, obviously trying to be open-minded.

  “I’m willing, but...you can understand why she might be reluctant.”

  “Of course. I also understand that people like Lincoln, who have trust issues, can sometimes recover—if they get enough love and reassurance.”

  “But I’m the last man she could ever trust.”

  “I wouldn’t say that. You’re the father of her son. You’re whole and healthy, emotionally and physically. And she cares about you. Who’d be more capable of giving her what she needs?”

  He smiled.

  “You like the sound of that.”

  “Yeah,” he admitted, and gave her a quick hug.

  Since Kyle was watching a movie with some of the others who were still up, Riley had their downstairs room to himself. But he didn’t stay put for long. He couldn’t get comfortable in that small bed. It didn’t help that he had so much on his mind. He kept thinking about the photo book Phoenix had made for him, how thoughtful it had been. He felt bad that she’d summoned the nerve to come all the way up here—even paid a goodly sum to hire a driver—and had such a terrible surprise waiting for her when she arrived.

  He wanted a few minutes alone with her so he could thank her for the birthday present. He also wanted to make it clear that he wasn’t sleeping with Candy. When they’d been sitting around the fire, he’d only left because Candy had been crawling all over him. He wouldn’t have abandoned Phoenix otherwise, not when she felt so out of place.

  “Where are you going?” Kyle glanced up from the TV when Riley walked by.

  “Getting a drink,” he replied.

  Kyle must’ve realized that wasn’t the truth, because he came around the couch and handed him something. Riley couldn’t see what it was in the dark, but the smooth texture of an individual condom package was distinctive enough that he knew.

  “In case you didn’t come prepared,” he whispered.

  “I didn’t come prepared,” Riley said. “I wasn’t expecting Phoenix to be here. But I won’t need this. I’m just going to talk to her. There’s no way she’d let me touch her.”

  “It won’t hurt to have one on you,” Kyle muttered, and returned to the movie.

  * * *

  The water was freezing. Phoenix knew she shouldn’t be swimming in the lake—not alone and not in the middle of the night. She wasn’t even dressed appropriately; she’d
had to wear her bra and underwear, since she didn’t have a suit. But she’d found a small balcony and stairs off her suite above the garage, with a little path leading to the water, and she’d needed to do something to curb the thoughts and desires that were bombarding her from all sides.

  After seventeen years, she’d accepted that Riley would never love her. She’d come home with a plan to build a life that didn’t include him, except in the role he’d always play as Jacob’s father. And now he wanted her back?

  That couldn’t be. Even if it was true, they didn’t stand a chance. Not in the world they knew, the one beyond this gorgeous cabin.

  Problem was, her body didn’t seem to be getting the message. She thought of him constantly, burned for his touch. This whole night felt like some kind of mating dance.

  The shock of the cold water helped. At least it gave her something else to concentrate on. Her mother had been right; she shouldn’t have come here. It tempted her to forget who she was and why she had to be more careful than most women—women like Candy, who seemed far more capable of taking a sexual encounter in stride.

  Telling herself she’d eventually find someone else, someone who could really love her, she kept swimming, farther and farther from shore. When she turned back, she could see that the lights of the cabin were growing dim, but she didn’t care. She would’ve swum all the way home, if possible. Out here there was silence and peace, and she no longer had to watch Candy with Riley, no longer had to see the intense expression on his face that let her know she was the one he wanted.

  Maybe she should ask Jake to create a profile on Match.com. If she started dating, that could distract her, maybe keep her from making another mistake...

  She thought she heard her name. But it was late. She couldn’t imagine that anyone had noticed she’d left her room.

  She kept swimming.

  Then the sound came again.

  It was Riley. He was standing on shore. She couldn’t make out his face—the cabin’s floodlights created a halo around him—but she identified him out of instinct. Who else would come looking for her? He’d been tracking her all night—while trying to pry Candy away.

  The shivering she’d experienced for the past few minutes grew worse. She couldn’t face him alone and in the dark. She wouldn’t be able to separate what was real and what was part of this fairy tale.

  She thought if she ignored him, he might go back inside and leave her alone. But he didn’t. The next thing she knew, he stripped down to his boxers and waded in.

  “You’re too far,” he yelled.

  “Don’t worry,” she called back. “I’m fine. I’m just...out for a relaxing swim.”

  He didn’t return to shore. He swam toward her. When he was within five feet, he stopped and treaded water. “Let’s head to land,” he said. “We’ll talk there. This isn’t safe. You’ve been drinking.”

  “I’m not drunk. I don’t even have a buzz.” She’d been a little tipsy earlier, but she’d been careful to drink only in measured amounts since then.

  “No one swims into the middle of a lake in the dark, especially when it’s so cold,” he said. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. I needed to clear my head. That’s all.”

  “I don’t think freezing to death will help. This water is the spring runoff from the Sierra Nevada Mountains, for God’s sake. It doesn’t get warm until midsummer. And with the wind tonight...”

  “You go. I’ll come in a few minutes.”

  “Is it Candy?” he asked. “Because I don’t have any feelings for her. If I had my choice, she wouldn’t even be here.”

  She wiped the water from her eyes. “Why am I here? That’s what I can’t figure out. Why did you invite me when you knew all your friends would be around?”

  “Why do you think?” he asked.

  “I get that you want to sleep with me. But you could’ve approached me at home. Asking me to join you at something like this, where everyone has a date—that makes a public statement.”

  “Exactly. That statement was meant for you, not them. This isn’t about sex, Phoenix. I’m not asking you to be my dirty little secret.”

  “Then what? I’m struggling with all the contradictions. I finally got it through my head that you don’t want me...and now you do?”

  He flipped his hair out of his face. “It’s not fair, I know. I don’t understand why everything went the way it did. But since you came home it feels...it feels as if you’re what I’ve been waiting for.”

  “You must be even more confused than I am.” She started putting some distance between them.

  “Don’t go any farther!” he yelled. “You’re making me nervous out here!”

  She ignored that. “I wasn’t good enough for you in high school and, after seventeen years in prison, I haven’t exactly come up in the world. I’m fighting day to day for the most basic things. How could I possibly attract someone like you?” And even more importantly, what did she have to hold him? She couldn’t go through what she’d been through before, especially with the same man.

  He powered through the water to close the gap between them. “I’ve never believed you weren’t good enough for me—not in my heart. And that’s what I should’ve trusted. I would have if...if everyone else had stayed out of it.”

  “But those people are your parents, your friends. They haven’t gone away,” she argued. “They’ll come at you again, saying all the same things!”

  “They won’t sway me, Phoenix. Not this time. I’m sorry I let them before.”

  When he was close enough, he grabbed hold of her, and she didn’t fight him. He was too strong. She didn’t want to fight him, anyway. She wanted to believe him, she just wasn’t sure she could. Not after nearly two decades of getting only one or two letters a year from him. “You don’t have to apologize again. That’s not what I’m looking for...”

  “But I need you to understand.” He hugged her close, obviously trying to share his body’s warmth, since she was shivering. “I thought I was too young and inexperienced to be the only one to see how amazing you are. I doubted myself, caved in to the pressure and blindness of the people I trusted to guide me. I didn’t realize they were looking at all the wrong things. They saw the junk around your mother’s trailer. Your mother’s weight and her phobias. Your black secondhand clothes. Your...nonconformity. And they missed what’s really important.”

  Now she was more confused than ever. “And that is? I’ll always be Lizzie’s daughter, Riley. When I get on my feet, I plan to try and find her some help, but I doubt she’ll even let me. You can’t make someone go to therapy. I suspect my mother will always be just as she is now.”

  “It’s not your mother I want to be with. It’s you.”

  “But she’s part of my life! And so is the stigma of what I supposedly did!”

  “What matters is that you have the biggest heart imaginable.” Resting his forehead against hers, he cupped her face with one hand. “And you are the most forgiving, unassuming, generous person I’ve ever met. What man wouldn’t be happy with someone like you?”

  She tried to pull away. “You can’t mean that.”

  He grabbed her arm before she could escape. “I mean every word. I know it’s hard for you to believe in me. But I have a lot more confidence in myself now that I’m older, a lot more confidence in you and what we can be together. Because of that, I hope...”

  Her breath froze in her lungs as she looked up at him. “What?”

  “I hope you’ll give me another chance,” he murmured.

  How could she? They both lived in Whiskey Creek, and that meant the past would always stand between them.

  “Phoenix?” he prompted.

  She’d closed her eyes, but when he said her name she breathed deeply and opened them. “It’s more than seventeen years since I’ve been with a man. You know that. You were that man. I won’t be any good. I can barely remember what a penis looks like, let alone what I’m supposed to do with it.”
r />   His voice sounded stricken. “You just discounted everything I said. You think I’m just hoping to get laid.”

  “No, I think you mean well.”

  “But...”

  “You meant well seventeen years ago, too. Sex tonight, while we’re away from our normal lives, that’s all I can offer you. Tomorrow we’ll...go on as if it never happened.”

  “Don’t say that! I can fight everyone else, tell them to go to hell, that we’ll be together if we want. I’m happy to do all the fighting, for both of us. But I have to have you on my side. I have to know I’m fighting for something I can actually win.”

  She shook her head. “Being with me wouldn’t be good for you. I can’t let you do it.”

  “Shit.” He started swimming off, but when she didn’t follow, he turned back. “I can’t leave you out here. At least let me take you in and get you warm.”

  She couldn’t stay in the water, anyway. She could no longer feel her arms and legs. “I’m coming.”

  23

  Sex tonight, while we’re away from our normal lives, that’s all I can offer you.

  Riley had rejected that offer on principle. But that’d been easier to do when they were both freezing in the lake. As soon as they hurried into Phoenix’s room and she unfastened her wet bra, it became next to impossible to remember why he’d said no.

  She was the one who’d suggested they spend the night together. He would never have pressed her for anything physical, not until he’d done more to prove himself and knew she felt confident in him. He had to be careful with her. For so many reasons, she wasn’t an average woman. But...

  This sudden boldness of hers took him off guard. She seemed to be acting with reckless abandon, a sense of fatalism, throwing all caution aside—as if she’d take what she wanted and then accept whatever “punishment” or disappointment followed.

  That wasn’t the right frame of mind.

  And yet...there she was, dropping what little she was wearing, along with her defenses—which challenged him in a whole new way.

  “You’re getting naked right in front of me,” he said, his eyes riveted on her breasts.

  She hesitated. “Isn’t that why you’re here?”