by Linda Green
The best way to stay optimistic is to think about the future. Not tomorrow or next week, because they’re scary too, but way into the future. And however far I look, it’s you I see standing next to me, Betty. You I want to spend the rest of my life with. I hope that ain’t scaring you because I don’t mean to scare you. I just want to show you how serious I am. You can trust me, Betty. Because I’m going to take real good care of you.
Yours always,
William
4
The girls were standing by the front door, ready to go, when I arrived downstairs. I’d told them children didn’t have to wear black to funerals, it really wasn’t expected, but Ruby had insisted. And even though she was wearing the same parka, black trousers and shoes she wore for school, it was the knowledge that today it was funeral uniform that got to me.
I’d never been more grateful for the splash of colour Maisie provided. Her royal blue school anorak and the blue bow in her hair provided a welcome contrast to the black the rest of us were wearing.
‘Ruby said I should have black on like everyone else,’ she said.
I shook my head. ‘Blue was Great-grandma’s favourite colour. She’d be very happy you were wearing it to say goodbye to her.’
Maisie still looked unsure. ‘Will everybody be crying?’ she asked.
I crouched next to her. ‘Some people will but not everybody. People have different ways of showing they’re sad.’
‘Do we have to be sad all day?’ she asked.
I smiled and gave her a hug. ‘No. You can think of all the special memories you have of being with Great-grandma. That might make you feel happy.’
I caught Ruby giving me a sideways look as I stood up. ‘You OK, love?’ She nodded and looked away again.
James came back in. I’d asked him to clear out the car while I was getting ready. I didn’t want to turn up outside Grandma’s house with an assortment of My Little Pony merchandise in the rear window and leftover Haribos stuck to my coat.
‘Right. Are we ready?’ he asked.
I took Maisie’s hand and led the way down the path.
‘I thought we were going in a big black car,’ said Maisie.
‘That’s from Great-grandma’s house to the church.’
‘Why don’t we walk to the church because it’s next to school and we walk to school?’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘but we’re going to get Great-grandma first and come back with her.’
‘Can I sit on the coffin?’ asked Maisie.
‘Mum, tell her,’ said Ruby.
I sighed as I opened the car door. It was going to be a difficult day. ‘No, Maisie. You can sit nicely next to Ruby and me.’
James gave my shoulder a squeeze. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘Yeah,’ I replied. Even though I wasn’t.
*
We pulled up outside Grandma’s house. The sun had come out and was doing its best to brighten things up.
James helped Maisie out while I opened the door for Ruby. She didn’t have to say anything for me to know what she was feeling.
‘It’ll be fine,’ I whispered to her, and led the way up the path to the front door. I’d visited a couple more times since I’d collected the documents and it should have been getting easier, but I still felt the same shiver as I stepped into the hall. The same emptiness and silence everywhere.
‘Where’s the coffin?’ asked Maisie.
‘The undertakers are bringing it in the hearse. When that arrives, we’ll be following behind in the big black car I told you about.’
‘What do we do while we wait?’
‘Well, we could talk about our memories of Great-grandma, if you like?’
Maisie shook her head. ‘Can we go and see the fairies?’
‘Not now, love. Grandma and Uncle Justin will be here soon.’
‘And then can I go and see them?’
‘No, because we’ll be leaving then. We’ll see them when we come back later.’
‘Why are we coming back?’
‘There’s a lot left to sort out, love, with all of Great-grandma’s things.’
Maisie nodded. ‘Is someone else going to live in her house?’
I glanced across at James. ‘We’re not sure yet. We’ll get everything sorted after the funeral.’
I saw Mum’s car pull up outside. She stayed in the driver’s seat while Justin got out and headed up the path. I went to the front door to meet him.
‘Hi, sis,’ he said, as I opened it. He never looked any older, which annoyed me. I always hoped that at some point his work-hard, play-hard lifestyle would catch up with him. He bent to give me a kiss. ‘She had a good innings, didn’t she?’
‘I guess so. Is Mum not coming in?’
Justin shook his head. ‘Said it’ll only upset her.’
We walked through to the front room. The girls saw Justin just once a year when he came over at Christmas, but I knew I could rely on Maisie to muster the required enthusiasm.
‘Uncle Justin!’ she squealed, running to give him a hug. ‘Great-grandma’s dead and my friend Emily has got a new strawberry-scented pencil case.’
To be fair to Justin, he didn’t balk at the idea that these two things carried equal weight in her life. ‘And you’ve grown at least six inches since I saw you last,’ he said, then looked across to Ruby. ‘So have you, Rubes. Quite the teenager, aren’t you?’
She hated him calling her ‘Rubes’ but summoned a half-smile and let him plant a kiss on her cheek.
‘Good to see you,’ said James, his hand held out for Justin to shake. He didn’t like my brother and I presumed the feeling was mutual, but they were both polite enough to go through the motions on occasions such as this.
‘Where’s Grandma?’ asked Maisie.
‘She’s waiting in the car,’ I said. ‘She just wants a few moments on her own.’
‘Is the coffin here yet?’ Maisie asked.
‘It is now,’ replied Justin, looking out of the window.
My body went cold as I saw the hearse pull up outside. All I could think was how much Grandma had loved this house. How all the images of her inside my head were of her here, making tea in the kitchen or pottering about in the garden. And now she was about to begin her final journey from it. It wasn’t even hers any more. It was mine. Mine and then Ruby’s.
I saw Ruby’s bottom lip start to tremble and took her hand. She didn’t offer any resistance. Momentarily, she was my little girl again. James took Maisie’s and we followed Justin out of the house. Several neighbours were standing in their front gardens.
‘What are they doing?’ whispered Ruby, wiping her eyes.
‘Just paying their respects to Great-grandma.’
‘Being nosy, more like,’ she said. ‘If they want to pay their respects, they should come to the church.’
I stifled a smile. As James had often said, Ruby was her mother’s daughter. ‘Some of them are coming to the church,’ I replied. ‘Andrea said she’d be there. But people like to do this too.’
One of the undertakers opened the door of the funeral car. I turned to see Mum walking over. She bent to hug Maisie. When she stood up, she had tears in her eyes.
‘Right then,’ said Justin. ‘Let’s see if we can all fit in.’
Justin and James sat on the two pull-down seats behind the driver. Mum and I sat on the back seat with the girls between us. Ruby started crying as soon as she saw the hearse set off in front of us. I put my arm around her, battling hard to keep my own tears in check, as I knew it would only make things worse. Even Maisie was quiet, as if the reality of what had happened had finally started to sink in.
‘There’s my school,’ Maisie said to Justin, as we drove past slowly. He smiled and nodded. I think we were all glad of any distraction from Ruby’s crying.
/> We pulled up outside the church. I rummaged in my bag and handed Ruby a tissue. ‘Take your time,’ I said. ‘There’s no rush.’ She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. ‘Deep breaths,’ I said. ‘We’ll do this together.’
We got out of the car. The vicar, or Rev Kev as he was known to all at our school, came straight over and shook hands with me. ‘Hello again, Miss Hallstead, and welcome to you all,’ he said, looking at each of us in turn. ‘Being able to support members of our extended school family at such a difficult time is a real privilege for me.’
He crouched to Maisie’s level. ‘I know from speaking to your mummy what a lovely lady your great-grandma was, so we’re going to say some special goodbyes to her in the church today.’
Maisie fiddled with the blue bow in her hair as she clung to me with the other hand.
‘Right,’ he continued, straightening. ‘I’d better go inside. Do take a few moments, and I’ll be there to support you throughout.’
‘Where did you find him?’ whispered Justin.
‘Leave it,’ I replied.
We stood at the entrance to the church and watched as the undertakers opened the rear of the hearse.
‘Oh, look! There’s our flowers,’ said Maisie, pointing excitedly at the heart of white daisies with a blue ribbon they had chosen. ‘And there’s a fairy on top too. Whose is the fairy?’
‘It’s from me,’ said Mum, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘Only it’s supposed to be an angel.’
*
I stood at the graveside, watching them lower the coffin. Maisie’s head was buried in my coat: she had decided she didn’t want to watch. She’d started crying during the service. I think it was the solemnity of the occasion that had got to her, despite Rev Kev’s best efforts to make it a ‘celebration of Betty’s fascinating life’. It was weird, hearing him talk about her as if he’d known her, when all the information had come from me and Mum. About how she’d served in the Land Army in North Yorkshire during the war and had later worked as a sewing machinist in a clothing factory. I hadn’t been interested when she’d first told me about it. You aren’t interested in anyone but yourself when you’re a teenager. And yet, hearing about it in the church, I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. It was too late, of course. She was about to be covered with earth. But it didn’t stop me wishing I’d asked much more. Because all I could think of, as I heard the first dull thud of soil on wood, was that it wasn’t just Grandma’s body that was being buried: all the secrets of her life were being buried with her.
It wasn’t until I turned around that I saw Mum. I’d been so busy comforting Maisie and keeping an eye on Ruby, who was with James, I hadn’t really thought about her. I suppose I’d presumed she’d be fine. She wasn’t, though. She was crouching, her face contorted in pain, her mouth emitting a silent scream. Justin was standing next to her, looking helpless, one hand under her armpit, trying to prevent her sinking to her knees.
I took hold of her other arm and helped to pull her up. ‘We’ve got you now. We’ve got you.’
*
I didn’t plan to stay long at the pub. The term ‘wake’ was rather grand for a dozen people picking at some sandwiches that no one had the appetite for. Ruby was giving me I-don’t-want-to-be-here looks and I didn’t either.
Andrea came over to me. ‘Sorry again for your loss, I shall miss Betty.’
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘And thanks for all you did for her. It gave me peace of mind, knowing you were looking out for her.’
‘Least I could do for such a lovely lady. We used to have some good chats.’
I wondered if Grandma might have said something to her that would help me understand what she’d been talking about when she’d asked me to look after her babies.
‘Did she talk to you about when she was younger?’ I asked. ‘What it was like when she first moved in.’
‘Not really,’ Andrea replied. ‘More about what your girls had been getting up to. She didn’t seem to be one to dwell on the past.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I wish I’d asked her more about it when I had the chance.’
‘Sometimes they don’t like talking about it, though, do they? It was tough for their generation. They lived through a lot.’
‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘I guess they did.’
*
When the last neighbour had left and we’d assured the pub staff we really didn’t want the leftover sandwiches, we headed back up the hill to Grandma’s house.
I was waiting for Mum to make an excuse about why she didn’t want to come in, but Justin saved her the trouble. ‘I’d better be going,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a flight booked from Leeds Bradford.’
‘You aren’t going to come in? There’s some stuff I’ve been sorting through. I was going to ask if you wanted any of it.’
‘No, you’re all right,’ Justin said. ‘Just do with it whatever you think best.’
I was right. He really didn’t give a toss.
Maisie was tugging on my hand. ‘Can I go and see the fairies now?’ she asked. ‘You promised I could see them when we got back.’
‘I did, didn’t I? Just say goodbye to Grandma and Uncle Justin, then Daddy will take you.’
Maisie gave them the quickest hugs on record. Ruby followed with pecks on the cheek. James said his goodbyes, then followed the girls down the side alley.
I turned back to Mum and Justin. ‘There’s something I need to tell you both,’ I said. ‘I got the will from the solicitor. I’m named as the executor, and, I’m really sorry, but she’s left the house to me.’
Mum said nothing.
Justin raised his eyebrows. ‘Presumably you’re going to sell it?’ he asked.
‘She asked me not to. She wants me to leave it to Ruby.’
‘You can’t do that,’ said Mum.
‘Why not?’ I asked.
‘You don’t want to live there.’
‘I don’t think we’ve got much choice. That’s what she wanted.’
‘Well, rather you than me,’ replied Justin.
I turned to Mum. She was looking pale and shaky again. ‘I’m going to start going through all her things soon. Come over and have a look. You can take whatever you’d like.’
‘No, thanks,’ said Mum. ‘You keep what you want. There’s nothing for me here.’
‘Right,’ I said. ‘Well, take care. I’ll see you soon,’ I kissed her cheek. Her body was stiff and unforgiving. The hurt from the graveyard had been covered up. Papered over, I guessed, so it wouldn’t show. It was still there, though.
I said goodbye to Justin and waited to wave as they drove off, then went back into the house.
I was glad of a moment alone, after what already felt like a long day. I walked through to the kitchen, filled the kettle and put it on the hob. I glanced out of the window and saw Maisie beside the fairy statues, playing with a stick she must have found. James and Ruby were standing together talking, a little further away. I turned to get the milk I’d bought out of the fridge.
A few moments later, the back door burst open and Maisie ran in, gripping something in her outstretched hand. ‘Mummy, look what I’ve found!’ she said.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
She opened her fingers to reveal a tiny off-white object, an inch or so long and partially covered with soil.
‘A fairy bone,’ she replied, beaming.
He played a little game with me. I would walk past him and he would look in my direction, his eyes lingering a little longer each time. I noticed and he knew I’d noticed, but he still didn’t say anything. I think it was all part of the game.
Then one day he said, ‘Morning, sweetie pie,’ as I walked past. I smiled at him, not knowing what to say or do in reply.
‘Cat got your tongue?’ he asked.
The colour was rushing to my cheeks again, so I
said the first thing that came into my head. ‘Nice morning.’
It was a stupid thing to say but he smiled anyway. A funny sort of smile this time. I wasn’t sure if it was a good smile or not.
‘That it is. Did you catch sunrise?’
I shook my head.
‘Well, you missed a good ’un. That’s best thing about having to get up early. There’s a great view from ridge on tops, you know. I could take you sometime, if you like.’
I didn’t know what to say. He wanted me to go somewhere with him. Alone. To watch the sunrise. It sounded like a romantic thing to do.
‘Maybe,’ I said.
‘Come on! It’s not like you need your beauty sleep. Or are you worried you won’t be allowed?’
My jaw tightened. I hated him thinking I’d need permission to go anywhere with him. Even though it was true. ‘I can do whatever I want with whoever I want,’ I replied.
‘Is that so?’ He whistled. ‘How about tomorrow, then?’
