by Linda Green
‘I’ll have to see.’
‘You mean you do need to ask someone’s permission?’
‘Tomorrow will be fine. What time?’
‘Five. That should give us a chance to get to top of ridge for sunrise. I’ll meet you at bottom gate,’ he said, pointing to the field at the far end of the road.
I nodded, back to being unable to speak. He walked off whistling. My insides started running around bumping into things. I had no idea how I was going to get out and back again without waking anyone. All I did know was that as no one had ever asked to take me to watch a sunrise before, I had to find a way.
I didn’t sleep much that night, waking almost every hour on the dot. I got up at half four and tiptoed to the bathroom for a quick wash. It felt exhilarating, being up at that time, trying not to wake anyone else, having somewhere secret to go with a man. A man much older than me. A man with a twinkle in his eye. A man I knew I should not be seeing on my own. That was what made it all so exciting.
I managed to shut the back door with the gentlest of clicks. I pulled my jacket across my front. I had dressed for April but not April at four thirty in the morning. I curled my fingers back inside my sleeves, straining my eyes in the gloom to see if I could make out a figure at the gate. I couldn’t. I hurried on, following the curve of the dry-stone wall out of the village. There was just enough light spreading across the sky to enable me to see where I was going. The birds were starting to herald the new morning, their excitement matching mine. As I drew nearer to the gate I could see he was already there. Standing in the field and leaning on it from the other side, an easy smile on his face.
‘You made it, then,’ he said, as I stopped in front of him.
‘I said I would.’
‘Bit nippy for you, is it?’
I uncrossed my arms. ‘I’m fine, thanks.’
‘You can have my jacket if you want.’
I shook my head.
‘Right then. Are you coming over? Only we need to get a move on.’
I started to climb over the gate. My boot got stuck on the second bar and he reached out his hand. I took it to steady myself. It felt wrong and right at the same time. When I swung my top leg over he took hold of my hips and lifted me down before I’d realised what was happening.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘It’s all right. Nothing of you, is there?’ He smiled as he said it, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Whether he meant I was still just a kid. That I didn’t have proper hips or a chest you could stick out.
He led the way up the field. It wasn’t muddy, so I could manage to keep up with him. He didn’t say anything, so I didn’t either. When we got to the top of the field he leapt over the gate so fast I couldn’t even work out how he’d done it. He turned back to watch me.
‘You ought to be able to jump over it too with legs like that,’ he said, as I started to climb. I’d always felt a bit embarrassed about my long legs. The other kids at school used to say I looked like a flamingo. I didn’t know what to say so I concentrated on climbing down safely. He didn’t try to lift me this time. I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or not.
When I got down he was halfway along the ridge. I ran to catch up with him, not wanting to miss the sunrise, having got that far. We made it to the top just as the sun peeped over the horizon. I watched as the colours rose and spread across the sky, changing every second and filling the world, or our little bit of it, with light and life and colour like I’d never seen before.
‘There,’ he said, smiling as he put his arm around my waist and gave it a squeeze. ‘I told you it’d be worth it.’
5
‘Where did you find it?’ I asked Maisie, trying to keep my voice calm.
‘Under the fairy statue. That’s where the fairy bones are,’ she said, very matter-of-fact.
‘And was it just there or did you dig for it?’
‘I had to dig for it. I poked the stick a long way down and made a big hole and stuck my arm down it. I was looking for fairy treasure, but I found a fairy bone instead.’
I noticed the soil on the sleeve of her school anorak, which was pulled halfway up her forearm.
‘Can I hold it, please?’
Maisie handed it to me. I’d been hoping it would be heavy, like a piece of pottery or clay, but it wasn’t. It was light and brittle. I tried to ignore the sense of unease growing inside me.
‘Have you shown Daddy?’ I asked.
‘Yes. He said it was pretty, but Ruby said I was making it up. I’m not though, am I, Mummy? It is a fairy bone, isn’t it?’
I looked at her face. It had already been a tough day for her. ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘I don’t really know.’
‘Can I keep it?’ she asked.
‘Erm, I’m not sure. Do you think the fairies might miss it?’
‘No, they don’t mind.’
‘Well, I suppose you can, then.’
‘Yay, I’ve got a fairy bone,’ she said, running back out to the garden. I caught James’s eye and beckoned him over.
‘Well, she seems to have cheered up a bit,’ he said.
‘Have you seen it?’
‘What?’
‘The thing she says is a fairy bone.’
‘Only briefly. I wasn’t really paying attention.’
‘Go and have a proper look. It feels like a bone.’
James’s expression changed as he saw what I was getting at. ‘Oh, come on. It’s probably part of one a dog buried years ago.’
‘Grandma never had a dog.’
‘Well, before her, then.’
‘Go and have a look.’
James went to Maisie. I watched as she handed it to him and James examined it, holding it up to what was left of the daylight. He smiled and gave it back to Maisie, then returned to me. ‘I think it’s just an animal bone. Maybe she buried a pet under there. She had cats once, didn’t she?’
I nodded.
‘Well, there you go.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, still not convinced. ‘You’re probably right.’
‘I’m always right, you know that.’
He pulled a face at me as he said it. ‘Come on, let’s get the girls home. It’s been a long day.’
*
The following morning when James woke, I was already up and showered. He squinted at me as I got dressed. ‘I thought it was Saturday?’
‘It is.’
‘So why are we getting up before a small person jumps on our bed?’
‘Can Ruby go with you when you take Maisie to her swimming lesson this morning?’
‘Of course. Are you OK?’
I sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I need to go back to Grandma’s house. I can’t stop thinking about it.’
‘What?’
‘The bone, of course.’
James groaned and sat up in bed. ‘You could dig down in any garden and find something like that.’
‘It isn’t any garden, though, is it? It was Grandma’s garden and the last thing she told me was that there were babies at the bottom of it.’
‘Nic, I know it’s been a tough couple of weeks, but I think you’re reading too much into this.’
‘So let me go and put my mind at rest. If I find nothing there, fine. I’ll leave it at that.’
‘You’re seriously going to dig?’
‘Well, I won’t find anything by gazing at the surface with my X-ray vision eyes, will I?’
‘No.’ James said with a smile. ‘I guess not.’
‘Tell the girls I’ve got boring stuff to sort out at Grandma’s house but I’ll be back for lunch and to help Ruby with her homework this afternoon.’
‘OK. I’ll see you later. Happy digging.’
*
When I arrived, I went straight to the tool shed.
Grandma had taken on a gardener when the upkeep had got too much for her. Alan, his name was. He’d come up to me after the service at the church yesterday, said what a lovely lady she’d been and how knowledgeable she was about what would survive in such an exposed spot. I liked him. He’d been reliable and fastidiously tidy, so the shed was neatly organised, the tools still gleaming with the oil he’d put on when he’d stored them at the end of the season a few weeks ago.
I took the spade from the corner and marched over to the fairy statues. I could see the hole Maisie had left and started to dig to one side of it, my heart beating quicker with every spadeful of soil I removed. I had no idea what I’d do if I found anything. I was hoping to be proved wrong, hoping James was right and I’d go home feeling stupid for having dug a hole two feet deep for no good reason.
But I also knew I had to do this. It was the only way I was going to get Grandma’s words out of my head and convince myself there must have been a perfectly innocent explanation for what she’d said.
The pile of earth I’d dug out was half as high as the fairy statue when I first saw two off-white objects in the soil. I turned the spade around and scraped some more earth off. The noise of metal against bone made my stomach turn. I removed some more earth to reveal a longer bone. It looked like part of an arm. A tiny human arm, although it might have been a cat’s leg. I shut my eyes and tried to slow my rapid breaths. I didn’t know what to do. If I went home now and told James, he’d still say I couldn’t be sure what I’d seen. I had to ensure there was no doubt left in my mind.
I resumed digging. I wanted to keep my eyes shut but I was worried I might damage whatever I was uncovering. I dug further towards the base of the fairy statue. There was another bone, slightly larger and longer than the previous ones. I made a whimpering sound. My heart quickened. I carried on digging, unable to stop. I couldn’t go any further without moving the statue. I put the spade down, stepped over the hole and stood with my feet either side of the fairy. I had no idea how heavy it would be, but the soil was soft after all the rain we’d had, and the base of the statue wasn’t set far down. I dragged it a few inches to one side and took up the spade again. I think I knew what I would find but, although I felt sick, I was compelled to finish what I had started, to make absolutely sure.
It didn’t take long to get to what appeared to be a shoulder bone. My legs went weak and tears ran down my cheeks. I kept digging, though, until I got to it. The thing I was sure was there. A tiny skull. Not a cat or dog’s. An unmistakable human skull.
I let go of a cry and sank to my knees, sobbing. Grandma had known exactly what she was saying because it was true. There were babies at the bottom of the garden. Well, one, anyway. And if there was one, the likelihood was there would be another. I looked at the second fairy statue but couldn’t find the strength to get up and start digging again. Couldn’t face what I was sure I would find. They weren’t statues at all. They were gravestones. It was a burial site I had danced around as a child. A burial site that Maisie had been digging in yesterday. Exactly how those babies had come to be buried there, I didn’t know. But I did know that I couldn’t simply put the earth back, cover it up and forget about it. I had to find out the truth.
Having said that, it didn’t seem respectful to leave the bones exposed. But I wanted to be able to show James the evidence. To prove to him beyond all doubt. I felt in my jacket pocket for my phone. I’d take a photo. My hands were shaking so much I had to take half a dozen shots before I got one that wasn’t blurred. I stared at it on the screen. The bones before me. Denied a proper burial, presumably because someone had had something to hide. Had it been Grandma’s baby? And, if so, how did it die? Did she kill it? Would she have been capable of doing that? I knew post-natal depression could be bad, but killing her own baby? And if there was another baby, had she killed that one too? Had my grandmother been some kind of monster?
I put the phone back into my pocket and picked up the spade again. I would sprinkle some of the earth back, so you couldn’t see the bones. I wasn’t covering it up, simply being respectful. When I had finished, I put the spade back in the tool shed and stood there for a moment, trying to get my head around what had just happened. I took my phone out again and called James.
‘Hi, you,’ he answered. ‘Discovered Richard the Third’s body yet?’
I couldn’t speak for a second. When I did, the words came out slowly and shakily. ‘I’ve found a baby’s bones.’ There was silence, so I continued: ‘Under one of the fairy statues. It definitely wasn’t a cat or dog. There was a tiny human skull.’
‘Fucking hell,’ said James. ‘Are you OK?’
‘No. Not really.’
‘God, I’m sorry for joking about it. I should have taken it seriously.’
‘I didn’t really believe it until I saw it. But there was something about Grandma’s voice when she told me about the babies. She knew exactly what she was saying.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I’ve got to report it, haven’t I? I can’t pretend I never saw it.’
‘Are you absolutely sure they’re human bones?’
‘I took a photo. I’ll send it to you now. Call me back when you’ve seen it.’
I sent the photo and stood in the garden, staring at the statues, unable to look at them now without also visualising what lay underneath. My phone rang. It was James.
‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe that’s been there all these years.’
‘I reckon there’s another under the other statue.’
‘Do you think they were your grandma’s babies?’
‘Probably. How else would she have known about them?’
‘And you’re definitely going to call the police?’
‘Well, I can’t not report it.’
‘What if you don’t like what they find? It could be a whole can of worms.’
‘I’ll have to deal with it. I can’t pretend I never saw it. It would eat away at me forever.’
‘What about your mum?’
‘I’ll go to see her now. I want to find out if she knew about it. Maybe that’s what this whole rift with Grandma was about. Perhaps Grandma confessed to her years ago.’
‘Surely your mum would have told someone, though.’
‘I don’t know. What if she was only Ruby’s age when Grandma told her? You’re not going to grass on your own mum, are you?’
‘I guess not.’
‘Well, let’s see what she says. I’ll go to the police straight afterwards. It’s up to her if she wants to come with me or not.’
‘Good luck. Give me a call when you’re done.’
I put the phone back into my pocket and took a final look at the statues. All I could think of was the times I’d sat and talked to them as a girl. The songs and games I’d made up as I played around them. And Grandma had watched me, knowing what lay beneath them, but hadn’t breathed a word.
*
Mum looked surprised to see me when she opened the door. She was wearing the old pair of jeans and baggy sweatshirt that I knew were her cleaning clothes. She cleaned the whole house on Saturday morning before she did anything else. Always had done.
‘Is everything all right?’ she asked.
I shook my head and stepped inside. ‘After you left yesterday, Maisie found a bone in Grandma’s back garden. Under one of the fairy statues.’
Mum frowned. ‘What sort of bone?’
‘We weren’t sure. It was tiny. That’s why I went back there this morning. I dug down underneath the statue. There were other bones. Little human bones. And a tiny human skull.’
Mum stared at me, the colour drained from her face. ‘Oh, God, no,’ she said, her hand going to her mouth.
‘I think Grandma was telling the truth. I think it is a baby. I think there might be another.’
‘No,’ she said.
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‘It can’t be anything else, Mum. I saw it – I took a photo if you want to see for yourself.’
‘No!’ She virtually shouted it this time.
I hesitated, not wanting to upset her any further, but I couldn’t let it go without asking. ‘Did you know about it?’ I asked. ‘Did she tell you?’
Mum shook her head. Her whole body was shaking.
‘I’d understand if she did and you hadn’t felt able to tell me. I just need to know.’
‘She never told me owt. Not a word. You know what she were like.’
‘I thought maybe it was because of this that you two—’
‘No,’ she cut in firmly.
‘Right. I wanted to check before I took it any further.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, I’ve got to tell the police, obviously.’
Mum’s eyes widened. ‘You can’t do that.’
‘Why not? I’ve just found what appears to be the remains of a baby in the garden of the house Grandma has left me. I can’t cover it up and pretend it never happened.’
Mum started crying. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘You could do,’ she said quietly. ‘No one else would ever know.’
‘Well, I’ve told James for a start.’
‘He’s not going to tell anyone, is he? Not if we all agree to keep it to ourselves.’
‘And why would we do that?’
‘Because it’s not anyone else’s business, is it? It’s our family it affects. Raking up things from past isn’t going to help anyone. It’ll simply cause more pain, and I think our family’s suffered enough.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
Mum looked at the floor. I saw her swallow hard. ‘Exactly what I said. Mum were only buried yesterday. We’re all still grieving. We don’t need police digging around for dirt. Mum wouldn’t have wanted that.’
‘So why did she tell me about the babies? Whatever happened, she must have wanted me to know.’
‘You don’t have to tell the police, though, do you?’
‘Of course I do. It was a baby, Mum. You can’t hide something like that.’
Mum sat down heavily on the stairs, her head in her hands. I went over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. When she looked up at me her face was contorted in a way I had never seen before. ‘Leave it alone, Nicola. You don’t know what you’re dealing with.’
