Scared Stiff

by Laura Baumbach, William Maltese, Josh Lanyon

  * * * *

  The Sun Dancer was praying in the wild onions. Robert didn't understand the words, but the cadence, the rhythm of the language was unmistakably prayer, or song. He had the water bottle and one of the hide pouches, and he would sprinkle the water, or toss pinches of the yellow powder into the hole, or into the air. It looked like curry powder, but Robert decided to keep that opinion to himself. David, with Redmond in tow, joined him just outside the onion field, and after a few minutes Cody came out, too, nearly dragging his feet with reluctance. He was as close to pouting as Robert had ever seen him.

  Robert stepped away from David and Redmond, and Cody followed him. “What's wrong? Don't be afraid, Cody. He seems nice, I don't know..."

  "I'm not afraid!” Cody's face was outraged.

  "Fine. I'm sorry I said anything."

  Cody rubbed down hard over his face with both hands. “Robert, it's not that. I mean, I'm a scientist. An anthropologist. And here I am, about to willingly participate in a ritual that involves my getting painted and tying feathers in my hair! I've been fighting this off since I was thirteen, and do you know what it cost me to turn away from all this Blackfoot bullshit last time?"

  Robert looked up into his furious face, color staining his cheeks red. “And now you're doing this for me. Because ... because Val told me in a dream that it would heal you. And because all these people here are worried about you. I know you're a scientist. But I've seen things in the world that science cannot explain. Just keep an open mind, baby. Nobody's asking you to turn into a traditional Blackfoot, do the Sun Dance. Just keep your mind open.” He hesitated. “Keep your heart open."

  Cody was studying his face, that warm dark gaze moving over him like a caress, like the first time. “Robert, you don't look so good. You look tired."

  He was suddenly furious, nearly in tears. “Thank you, Cody, for pointing that out. I am, in fact, very tired. Tired and worried and in pain. And don't forget I'm twelve years older than you. That's probably why I look so old. So let me ask you, if you've turned your back on traditional Blackfoot culture, why do you wear your hair halfway to your butt?"

  "It makes it easy to get laid.” Cody put his hands on his hips and stared down at him. “Okay, so you're old, broken, depressed, bankrupt. Got it.” He leaned forward. “And you must be crazy to be doing all this for me."

  Robert felt a clutch somewhere around his heart. “You're starting to remember, aren't you?"

  Cody nodded. “Since the river last night.” He watched the medicine man tossing the yellow powder in the air. “What is that, curry powder?"

  "Boy!” Black Moon Rising beckoned Redmond close. “You help me.” He picked up a bundle of the dried grasses, handed Redmond the bottle of green water and the hide bag. David tried to hide his grin at the boy's look of alarm. When the Sun Dancer moved past them toward the sweat lodge, he looked at Robert first, then Cody. Cody flinched behind him, stepped close.

  The old man said something to Cody in Blackfoot, then he moved off across the yard like they were invisible.

  "Goddamnit."

  "What did he say? Cody, do you speak Blackfoot?"

  "My grandfather spoke it when I was little. The Sun Dancer, he told me to be a man. He said not to hide behind you."

  Robert looked up at him. His jaw was like a rock.

  Lillian pulled up, and Robert walked out to meet her. She was flushed and excited by her misdemeanor breaking-and-entering of the Historical Society. “Robert, I got it! I got everything!"

  He leaned close. “Why are you whispering, 007?"

  Her laughter bubbled up. “I feel like I'm on the lam. Okay, medicine bundle, elk hide, rawhide thong stolen from a moccasin, and some oil pastels. They'll work, won't they?"

  "They're perfect. Thanks, Lillian.” She handed the elk skin through the window. It was a beautiful, thick golden yellow hide. There was a small cut a few inches from the edge, and Lillian traced it with a finger.

  "Blackfoot arrow. This is old, Robert. When you mentioned that you needed a hide, I thought about it. This belonged to my great-grandmother. I don't know anything about it, other than I watched my grandmother trace that cut with her finger, and say ‘Blackfoot arrow.’”

  "Lillian, I can't take this. It's too old. This is really special."

  "Please, Robert. Use it. Let it be alive, out in the world. Not getting old and stiff, rolled up in my cedar chest. Can I watch you draw the shield?"

  "Yeah. I've been working on the sketch.” The medicine bundle was bigger than he expected, wrapped in some sort of hide. Inside the cabin, Robert spread the elk hide out on the kitchen table. It had a rich, buttery surface. Robert pulled out his shield drawings. Using the yellow oil pastel, he sketched out the river, the trees, and the moon, making a rough circle, and in the middle he sketched the two wolves.

  Lillian looked over his shoulder. “That's nice, Robert. I like how strong the river is. Cody, he's always been really attached to the river. Anything goes wrong in his life, he heads to water."

  "Good.” Robert took the colored pastels, began drawing in the water, the rocks, the trees. Outside on the front porch, Redmond was hauling the medicine man's laundry basket, and Cody followed the Sun Dancer through the door. Lillian handed him his grandfather's medicine bundle. He stroked it with his fingertips, his face still, then handed it over to Black Moon Rising. “Robert, do we have a weapon?"

  "Yes.” Robert ignored his start of surprise, didn't meet his eyes. He got the tomahawk out from under the kitchen sink and handed it to him. Cody hefted it in his hand, testing the balance and the weight. Robert got the rawhide thong and the two blue feathers, and Cody held it for him while he tied them on the end.

  "You dug it up?"

  "While you were in the hospital."

  The Sun Dancer was studying the elk hide. “This is the shield?"

  Robert nodded. “I'm drawing it now."

  "Good.” He turned around and gave Cody a look. “Blackfoot. Come with me."

  Cody sighed through his nose, rolled his eyes, then followed the old man out. Robert met Lillian's eyes, and they both turned quickly to keep from laughing.

  Robert went back to painting the shield, and Lillian went back to making stew. A few minutes later Beth came in, her hair wind-blown. She had David and Sharona with her. David was trying to get Sharona to talk, but apparently only Redmond had heard her voice.

  "Come on,” Beth said, touching her shoulder. “Let's set the table."

  David hitched his jeans, looked over Robert's shoulder. “David, there're sodas in the fridge, if you want a Coke."

  "Thanks, Robert.” He got a soda, then wandered over to the mantle and looked at the picture. “Hey, Lillian, did you see this?"

  Robert looked over at them, felt the familiar squeeze across his chest. Oh, Val. I wish you were here to see all these good people.

  David studied the photo. “They look real happy, don't they?"

  Lillian looked across the cabin at Robert. “Yes, they sure do."

  Cody came through the door, and Robert took an involuntary step backward. “Holy shit!"

  Cody rolled his eyes again and held up a hand. “Not one word, Robert.” His face had been painted white, with a fierce black band across his eyes. Feathers dangled from his hair, and he was naked except for a pair of boxer shorts. “Are you ready? He sent me to get you."

  "He wants me, too? You sure?"

  Cody reached for Robert's shirt, started unbuttoning it. Lillian and David watched with interest. Cody looked over at them. “Um, would you two..."

  Lillian jerked. “Yes! Of course, I don't know what I was thinking.” She took David's arm. “Come on. We don't need to watch this part."

  David was hiding his grin. He slapped Cody on the shoulder. “You look good, boy! Very authentic."

  "I am never going to live this down, Robert, never. This is worse than fishing naked."

  He pushed the chambray off Robert's shoulders, let it tangle at his wrists. “The ea
siest way to tie up a man is with his own shirt, right? But I like the way you use your hands.” He finished pulling the shirt off, dropped his hands to Robert's waistband. “Robert.” He whispered the name. His fingers were busy with button and zipper. “Robert, I remember you. I remember all of it.” He traced a line from Robert's belly button down.

  Robert looked up into his eyes. He was there, Cody, with a little trace of uncertainty, as if he wasn't sure of his welcome. “It feels like you again. But let's finish this, and make sure.” Robert reached a hand for his chest, pressed his palm over Cody's heart. “So, what now?"

  "The sweat. He's heating the rocks."

  Robert stepped out of his jeans, kicked off his shoes, and followed Cody outside and across the yard.

  "Wait, do we need the shield?"

  Cody took his elbow. “Redmond's bringing it. He's gonna tack it over the door after we're in. It's supposed to keep the bad guys out or something.” He stopped, turned Robert to face him. “Are you sure you want to do this? He said we both need a sweat. I think we're both fine."

  "What about the crazy ghost voices in your head, Cody?"

  "They're gone, Robert, I told you. Since the river last night. I don't know. Maybe the voices were just the rattlesnake venom. Or the seizure or the antivenom or the blood pressure medicine. You know there are probably ten frigging reasonable explanations."

  "And what's the reasonable scientific explanation for me seeing ghost snakes crawling into your mouth?"

  "I figured it out.” Cody leaned toward him. “We've been eating those onions! We've been eating onions out of the wild onion field and they've got some hallucinogen and that's what caused the dreams! So since we had dreamed ghost snakes naturally you saw them when I got bit because you were feeling..."

  "What?"

  "You were feeling stressed out and guilty. Over Val. And me."

  Robert looked up into warm, dark eyes searching his face ... with tenderness. Maybe Cody was right. He could be right. Could it have all been the product of an overwhelmed heart? His heart full of grief at being back at Val's cabin, overwhelmed with memories and the possibility of a new love?

  "Okay, Cody.” He was standing there with an eagle feather in his hair and his face painted, and he was doing it to make Robert happy. Robert put a hand over his chest, and he could feel the strong double-thump of Cody's heart. “Okay. I accept there could be truth in what you say. That it could be the truth. What do you want to do?"

  Cody looked back at the sweat lodge. “He said we both need a sweat. So let's take a sweat. What can it hurt? I've never done it. My grandfather, he said it was just a bunch of guys sitting around telling old stories."

  Robert crawled painfully through the entrance. The old man was sitting cross-legged on the floor on the far side of the fire with his shirt off. His skinny old chest was ribbed with scars, scars from the Sun Dance, and Robert was reminded of his sarcastic comment to Lillian about hanging from a couple of rawhide thongs through his chest. Then Redmond was tacking up the shield over the entrance, and the only light was from the fire and the tiny white light at the smoke hole.

  Cody sat down and crossed his legs, and when Robert lowered himself to the floor, Cody reached for him and moved him over until he was leaning against his shoulder. “Don't try and cross your legs, Robert. Lean on me.” He looked at the medicine man. “He's got a hurt leg."

  Black Moon Rising raised his eyebrows. “Yes, I know. I've been watching him limp all over the yard."

  Cody wrapped an arm around Robert's shoulder. “You tell me if it starts to hurt, Robert. I'll rub it for you."

  "He already believes you love him, Blackfoot. You don't have to beat it into his head."

  The fire pit was full of rocks, the coals glowing red and black and yellow, and the heat in the small space was climbing quickly. Robert could feel the flush of heat on his skin, then he could feel the heat move through his skin, into his blood and bones as the Sun Dancer started praying. Several of the dried grasses were tossed into the fire, making tiny puffs of smoke, and a pinch of the yellow powder—not curry powder, he heard Cody thinking—and a tiny piece of clear, red-gold amber, or something that looked like amber, that filled the small space with a rich and dark smell that was rather intoxicating. Cody sneezed twice.

  The Sun Dancer was speaking in Blackfoot, his voice the beautiful rhythmic cadence of a heart beating, or a foot dancing, or hands on a drum, and Robert felt so drowsy and warm, lulled by the hypnotic rhythm of the prayers, that he might have put his head on Cody's shoulder and drifted off to sleep, except for the invisible man with the hammer and spike banging on his leg.

  Eventually the prayers stopped, and Black Moon Rising looked sternly at them both. “We are here to—do what? To get the ghosts out of this stubborn boy's head? Do you believe in ghosts?” He pointed a gnarled finger at Cody's chest.

  "No, I don't."

  "And you?” The finger moved to Robert.

  "Yes, I do."

  "We are not here for the ghosts. Of course there are ghosts. You would be a fool not to open your mind to that possibility. They are good and evil, just as they were when they were alive, walking the earth. But a man with a strong mind, and a whole heart, does not have to worry about ghosts. Why? Ghosts hide in the cracks, in the dark. They slide into the empty places. They fill up what is empty inside you. Robert, how could your lover's ghost leave you, when you still needed him so much? And how could those evil men have resisted you, Cody Calling Eagle, blood line of their old enemy Akecheta? How could they have resisted another two-spirit, but this one torn in two by his rejection of his own people?

  "Your ancestor, Akecheta, he was rejected by the people. But he never questioned that he was a Blackfoot. But you, you reject that which makes you who you are. Science will never fill that hole. And since you believe you broke your grandfather's heart doing it, you cling harder and harder to that decision of childhood. You are afraid now to admit you were wrong."

  Cody's hand crept over until he was touching Robert's knee.

  Black Moon Rising laid the medicine bundle on the ground. “You didn't break his heart, boy. A fine, strong grandson like you? He understood. Look at this. Don't you see?” Cody shook his head. “Your grandfather, he didn't collect his medicine bundle until he was a man. He didn't do a spirit quest at puberty. He was hard-headed, like you.” Cody reached out to touch the edge, and the Sun Dancer passed it into his hands. “This is passed to the men in our family when they are ready to become Blackfoot."

  Black Moon Rising looked at Robert suddenly, and Robert could barely control a flinch. “And you. You can't have them both. You want a back-up plan, so you won't be alone? As long as his ghost fills the hollows of your heart, there is no room for this hard-headed Blackfoot who is trying to love you.

  "Now, let us tell a story, a story that we are still writing today, like all the great stories.

  "The year was 1882, and the last of the native tribes had fallen to their knees and slipped on their yokes under the boots and guns of the US Cavalry. The Blackfoot were the last. They were strong and tough, but too hard-headed to listen to the voices of the elders, and the medicine men. Their self-destruction with greed and alcohol was like a comet across the sky. Then the last buffalo hunt failed. The plains, once teeming with life for the people, were barren and empty. Starvation loomed like a hungry ghost, and desperation spread like poison across the land.

  "Blackfoot women have always been strong, brave, and one Blackfoot woman determined to bring her children to a safe place. She collected fifteen children, her own and those who had no adults to care for them. She knew these children would not be alive after this winter of starvation. The women of the tribe made sure all the children had strong moccasins, and they set out into the mountains as the leaves started to fall, walking.

  "It was a long and hungry walk, but the older children helped with the younger, and in time they made it over the mountains to this place. To this place of sanctuary. What a bles
sing for me, an old man, to follow their path to this place, to see the children of that blood still here. The woman, her name was Magaskawee, and she was the sister to my grandmother. They were twins, and loved each other very much. My grandmother always claimed that she knew the very moment that her sister was murdered. She felt it like a black and evil splinter of wood entering her heart, and the pain never left her.

  "Akecheta had come to the fort to help build, because he was very strong and skilled in the way of wood. He came to be friends with a young officer, a man who was also a two-spirit, but who had fought against his nature for many years. They found that each filled the empty, lonesome places in the other's heart, and in time they decided to walk their path together.

  "They understood that the worldly cost for the young officer was great, and the danger, but to him it felt like freedom, like shedding a false skin and becoming himself. But he could still reach for the well of anger he had built over a lifetime at war. When the woman arrived with the children, he and Akecheta were overjoyed. They had found a family, a tribe of their own, and the love was strong within their house. No one knows exactly what happened next, just that evil entered their home."

  Cody looked up at Robert, pushed the tomahawk toward the old man. “Grandfather, I know what happened. This man and I, we saw it in a dream. Oh, let me tell you this part of our story. He was a brave man, resolute, but hard in ways that made weaker men avoid him, or want to hurt him. Captain Valentine Carmody. And handsome! He had this very stubborn chin. Anyone could see that, even through his long whiskers, and his hair was dark red, and down to his shoulders, beautiful in the sunlight. And he had the most beautiful eyes, Grandfather, blue like these feathers, and you could see everything he was feeling when you looked into his eyes.

  "When my great-grandmother was killed, he felt murderous rage, rage as big as the sky, and part of that rage was guilt, I think, because probably she came to the fort to work because he was there."

  Cody glanced a question at Robert, and he nodded. “Yeah, I think so, too."

  "They raped her, grandfather, and beat her to death, three men.” The old man made a small noise of pain and closed his eyes. “Val set out for justice, or revenge. He knew the men, had them thrown into the brig. When he realized his commanding officer did not share his outrage, and was probably going to let the men go, he flung his letter of resignation on his desk, marched out of the office so tall and proud, and then he went to the brig.