Gumbo

by Tiana Laveen

  “Tony! I can’t!”

  “YOU CAN! Now listen to me, girl, and stop this shit! If you love me like you say you do, you’ll live your life! I can’t take back what happened! My best friend’s life was taken, so I retaliated! It’s just that simple. Everything is all fucked up now. E.T. was only gonna have to do a couple of years but then they found drugs in his car that he was selling so he got screwed and has a sentence of at least five years, probably more. I’m going to be in for a while and won’t even have an option for parole for five years.

  “I didn’t have a record and you see what has happened. I’m still fucked. This is considered a fair sentence here in Palm Beach county. I am in here; I am going to do my time. I don’t have a choice. I can’t afford to show any weakness, Cassidy… I can’t think about what coulda been and what shoulda been. I can only move ahead with what IS. I need you to do what you set out to do, okay? Go to college, baby… get that degree. Start your magazine company that you’ve been dreaming of. I need you to be successful. I need you to feel me with you, even when I’m not, encouraging you every step of the way. Don’t stick around this hellhole waitin’ for me. You’re young, you’re smart, you’re beautiful.”

  The sheer weight of his emotions crushed his chest, but he pushed through this shit, through the excruciating pain.

  Cassidy dropped her head again, clasped her hands, and sobbed quietly. He flopped back in his chair and tried to memorize the curve of her soul, the bend of her essence, and the arc of her love.

  “Cass… do you understand me?” She nodded, but didn’t make eye-contact. “Listen, one more thing. I am going to sign my car over in your name. I want you to have it sent to your new place in California so you have something to drive. It’s a stick as you know, but I was already teaching you how to drive it so I think you have the hang of it now. I have a nice little savings in the bank, okay? I have three different accounts… Maize…” He blinked back tears, trying to pull himself together. “Maize had given me some advice before we’d fallen out. He said that I should start a savings account so I didn’t piss through my money like so many other guys.

  “Thankfully, I listened to him. I went to the bank and the advisor there said to open three accounts after I told him my needs. One account was for you and me. Another is for my mom and brother, and the third was for emergency savings—never to be touched. The account for you and me, I am going to have you take over that in your name solely. Use whatever you need from there to help you through. It’s not a whole lot, but it’s enough to buy you some time until you get a job and like I said, you won’t have to pay rent for six months—it’s taken care of. I’ll make sure to send you all of that information. The address, and so on and so forth. The emergency fund needs to just sit there and grow interest but if for some reason you have a situation, just call my mother and she’ll make sure it’s taken care of from that account, all right?”

  All she did was stare at him, the tears flowing down her cheeks.

  “This… this can’t be my life.” Cassidy shook her head. “The love of my life… is behind these bars like some animal! This can’t be happenin’! Ten years?! Oh my Lord! Jesus!” she wailed, now crying into her tissue. “You promised me, Tony! You said you’d always be there! You lied to me! You left me just like my mama and daddy! You lied, Tony!”

  His heart broke into a million pieces.

  “I’m sorry that I hurt you, baby…” He placed his palm on the glass. She placed her hand against his. They looked at one another a long while.

  “Listen to me, beautiful. I never knew what love was until I met you, Cass. I know we were so young when we met, we were silly and immature, we still are young and sometimes silly, but it was real… it still is real. I love you enough to let you have the life you deserve and not make you serve time right along with me. That would be selfish… that would be wrong. So don’t come talkin’ about waiting for me anymore. In fact, don’t visit either because it will make it harder for both of us to move forward. If you meet someone, a real good guy that treats you right, appreciates you, I want you to….” He powered through, his heart folding in as flashes of the first time they made love rushed into his mind. “I want you to give him a chance. I love you and always will… never forget that.”

  He stood from the chair and turned to walk away. When he looked over his shoulder, Cassidy was still sitting there, her hand on the glass where his had been, crying her eyes out. He couldn’t stand to look anymore and was soon escorted back to his cell. When he walked inside and heard the clank and lock of the metal door, something within him broke into a million pieces…

  He roared like a beast, cried like the rushing water of a waterfall. His heart bled bright red as it cracked open, like the red carpet fibers of Sly’s home.

  I’ve lost everything.

  My freedom…

  My father…

  My family…

  My friend…

  My fiancée…

  I have nothing left but the fire that burns inside of me, and right now, it’s fizzling out.

  Everything I want goes away…

  Everyone I love vanishes into thin air…

  Maybe I was meant to be empty-handed?

  Maybe this is a punishment because I had the audacity to care enough, be brave enough, loyal enough to trust in love, believe in it, live by it…

  Love gave me the greatest blessings, and delivered the harshest blows.

  Love is the truth and a liar.

  Love don’t love nobody…

  PART 1

  Gathering the Ingredients…

  CHAPTER ONE

  The Streets are Paved with Gold and Blood

  June 17, 1986

  ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ by the Bangles played from the living room as Cassidy sat on the porch, her hands wrapped tightly around the chipped and rusted mint green railings that looked like prison bars. The blare of the ambulance coming close drowned out the music for a spell and she startled when Grandmama burst out the house like a beast, the porch door squeaking and slamming hard against the metal frame. She could feel the woman’s heavy presence as they both gazed out towards the street.

  Right there, in the middle of the road, lay a man writhing about on the ground, his skin the color of wet sand. He held his chest as blood raced out of him like water from a bathtub faucet on full blast.

  I ain’t never seen that much blood come outta nobody! Somebody gotta help him… he gonna die.

  And yet, Cassidy stayed put in her spot on her porch.

  “AHHH! Help me!!! Shit!!!” the man screamed out as he thrashed about, the bottoms of his shoes hitting the asphalt, the heels dragging roughly up and down the concrete. Blood pooled out of his mouth now, and then he turned his head toward her. Her heart beat faster, a lump caught in her throat. Their gazes locked like a clasp in a gold chain. His eyes grew big and rolled about in his head like balls on a pool table going every which way, and he appeared to be stark raving mad. He couldn’t have been less than twenty feet away, but he was still far too close.

  Grandmama drew a bit closer, as if trying to ensure her eyes weren’t deceiving her, then yanked Cassidy up by her arm and marched her inside.

  “Come on now! Ain’t no need to be standin’ out here!” Grandmama led her inside the front door, then closed and locked it shut.

  She marched to the kitchen. Cassidy craned her neck, waiting for Grandmama to come and repeat like heartburn, but she never did. When the coast was clear, she raced to the soft, fluffy, mauve couch and peered out the thick curtains to get another look at that man who was bleeding and dying in the middle of the road. He was now staring straight up at the sky…

  Maybe he was praying to God? Maybe he was already dead?

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  She startled, jumped in her skin. Cassidy blinked when several more gunshots resounded, closer than before. A distant scream rang out, then a car sped fast down the street, coming close to their house. A rusted white piece of mess with m
ismatched painted doors, one red and the other a dusty, matte black stopped by the man, the brakes grinding hard. She could no longer see the bleeding bastard with the vehicle blocking the view, but she could see the driver’s side window rolling down and a flicker of orange light spark from within the car.

  “Dumb ass nigga! You shoulda paid me, mothafucka!” the driver yelled before speeding away, the muffler backfiring and a puff of black smoke all that was left behind.

  Now, the man on the street was in full view again… lying still… not making a single sound. Lights started to go out across the street. Houses turned dark with the swiftness of a kitchen knife whacking off potato skins. The big apartment building on the corner followed suit; windows went from yellow and white to pitch black like a store closing for the night. Cassidy used to have a friend who lived there. That building was painted the color of Pepto Bismol; how fitting since she often felt she was living amongst some of the shittiest folks in the world. So strange how that big pink building was painted all bright and cheerful, but was run down and depressing at the same damn time.

  Two more small houses that had held on to the light went suddenly black too as the sound of police cars drew near. Before she could think another thought, she heard Grandmama start to hum, then sing real loud over the sirens and commotion.

  “I shall weeear a croooown!” Grandmama crooned.

  Cassidy rocked back and forth, her eyes becoming dry as she stared out there, moving to the pace of her grandmother’s stirring of some mixture in a bowl, her singing right in tune with the blare of the sirens.

  “When it’s allll ova! I shall see his faaaace! I shall see his faaaaace! When it’s all ova! When it’s alllll ova! I’m going to put on my robe! ’nd tell the story how I made it ova! Soon as, I get, hoooome!”

  Cassidy crouched low and peered at the body in the middle of the road. Her heart was probably thumping faster than that of the man she’d seen running from the cops at the store last week. More and more police cars began to pool into the area. The ambulance she’d heard earlier hadn’t come; perhaps they’d been out for a different call altogether. Wouldn’t surprise her at all.

  Grandmama banged around in the kitchen, sifting through her pots and skillets, then came the familiar sizzle of something savory hitting grease. Her deep, beautiful voice continued to carry that gospel tune, and she repeated the lyrics over and over.

  Loud talking and arguing ensued outside, but Cassidy could barely make heads or tails of it with all of the noise inside the house. Must’ve been Grandmama’s plan all along. The radio kept on buzzing ‘Who’s Johnny,’ by El Debarge. The sun was setting and the red and blue lights were blinding, blending together and creating a purple haze. She began to daydream, drift away from herself; perhaps the music and the lights were putting her in some sort of strange trance. An ambulance finally pulled up, and people in uniforms milled about on walkie talkies, saying codes and numbers she didn’t understand. The police started shouting with someone who’d run out towards them, while the dead man was put on the gurney, the sheet pulled up over his head like he was a ghost. She supposed that now, he was one.

  “We told you to stop!”

  “Where tha fuck was ya’ll at twenty minutes ago?! Probably sittin’ around playin’ cards or runnin’ late to your Klu Klux Klan meeting.”

  “That’s it damn it! You’re going to jail!” one of the officers yelled.

  Another officer, a short round one with massive arms that were practically bursting out of his sleeves, snatched up the man and slapped the handcuffs on his wrists.

  “Man, fuck y’all! Y’all don’t come ’till the next day no damn way! Guess I gotta know about some shit poppin’ off twenty-four hours in advance, be a psychic and predict the future for you White mothafuckas to take action!”

  The man was shoved hard in the back of one of the police cars. Cassidy could no longer hear the man ranting and raving, but she could see him in the long white police car, which rocked back and forth as if it were containing an enraged monster on a rampage. The guy inside headbutted the separation cage in front of him then knocked the side of his head against the window, over and over. He kept doing it like he had no pain, no nerve endings, no nothing… just like Jamie who’d been high on PCP last summer. Then… she saw blood.

  “Get yo’ tail ’way from that window, girl! I done tol’ you ’bout that!” Grandmama chided, holding a greasy spatula in one hand and Cassidy’s earlobe in the other.

  She winced from the pinching pain of the fingers twisting the thin cartilage, then paused when a loud knock sounded at their front door, with the doorbell ringing at the exact same time. Everything seemed in stereo… loud and scratching at her eardrum like the tiny claws of some invisible creature sent from the depths of Hell to render her deaf. She could hear the food popping in the skillet, then distant gunshots rang out again, this time as if shot from a few streets over. A moment later another knock rattled the front door, this one louder and harder than the first.

  Grandmama released her, marched over to the door, and looked through the peephole. Her shoulders went up and down as she breathed hard. Grandmama stood about 5’10” and had a pear-shaped frame with wide hips. With her thick salt and pepper hair she kept pulled back in a ponytail and her no nonsense attitude, she could be pretty and intimidating, all at the same time. More importantly, the woman had a big heart but didn’t take any shit… Right now though, she seemed concerned, maybe even scared.

  Slowly, she placed her hand around the brass doorknob and opened it up.

  “Evening, ma’am.” An officer stood there in his uniform, but Cassidy could only see a portion of his arm as Grandmama blocked most of the man’s body with her own. “Sorry to bother you, but did you see or hear anything out here not too long ago? Young man was gunned down right in front of your house.”

  Cassidy stayed in the background, acutely aware of the radio still going, those red and blue lights spinning, shining bright like it was Christmas and Santa was on his way.

  “No, officer, I ain’t see or hear nothin’. Just in here cookin’ dinner… had the music on for my grandbaby. Musta covered any noise.”

  The police officer moved to the side and set his gaze on Cassidy. They stared at each other for a long while. The man’s hazel eyes glowed, then grew darker.

  “What about her?” He pointed past Grandmama. “Is that your granddaughter?”

  “Yes she is.”

  He looked back at Grandmama. “Somebody had to have seen or heard something, ma’am. We need the community’s help. Don’t you want to stop crimes like this in your neighborhood? Live in peace?” Grandmama just stood there looking at him. “Do you believe she may have seen anything?” he asked again.

  Grandmama turned and looked at Cassidy, and so did the cop, again. Now she had two sets of eyes on her, both of which scared her nearly half to death.

  “Cassidy, you ain’t see nothin’ baby, did you?” Grandmama had that look in her eye, the one that said, ‘Girl, you better keep your damn lips sealed like they’ve been superglued if you know what’s good for you!’ The woman’s dark brown eyes glossed over and her lips curved downward as she placed her hand on her ample hip.

  “Uh, naw, I didn’t see nothin’. I was in my room reading.”

  The officer’s dark brows dipped low and wrinkled, the creases in his forehead gathering them up at the ends and tossing them close to the bridge of his nose. He looked mad as hell. Cassidy grabbed her shirt and twisted the cotton fabric in her sweaty fist, wishing she could stop swallowing, blinking, and looking plain silly. She wished she could make herself disappear, just like that little strange elf in a book she’d read about as a small child. Though the man out on the street was dead, she wished Grandmama would just tell the police officer about the bullets flying around their house at all times of night, and the fact they’d both heard the gunshots that had killed the man, too. She wanted Grandmama to encourage her, to let her tell him about the car with the different col
ored paints and loud muffler, and what the man inside had said. She hadn’t told Grandmama about it, but it shouldn’t have been any surprise. There’d been more than one dead body to show up so close; only this was Cassidy’s first time witnessing the actual murder.

  “All right. If you think of or remember anything at all, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. I’m Officer Vincent. I’ll be available day or night.”

  “Yes, we’ll call you if we think of anything.” Grandmama had the door half closed now, blocking part of the view. The cop grabbed the rim of his hat, slowly turned around, and walked off the porch while the DJ on the radio announced the next song. ‘And now we’ve got the new hit by Cameo, sexy ladies and cool brothas! ‘Word Up!’ Get your party shoes on, Palm Beach County! It’s time tuh jam!’…

  …Six months later

  “I can’t believe this shit! Ya gotta be kiddin’ me, Ma. This gotdamn house looks like somethin’ that would come out of a crackhead smurf’s asshole! Shitty Blue, the Smurf Dope Fiend!”

  “Watch your mouth, Antonio! Geesh! Ya think this is a fuckin’ picnic for me?!” Tony rolled his eyes and slouched in the back seat of the white Honda Accord that Dad had bought Mom right before he’d kicked the bucket. He pushed his dark brown hair out of his eyes, crossed his arms over his chest, and chewed hard on his lower lip. It wasn’t long before he felt the taste of blood on his tongue.

  “I’d rather be homeless,” he muttered.

  “Homeless? Geesh! Dramatic, aren’t cha? Just give it a chance. You haven’t even seen the inside yet!” Mom pulled up into the small, lopsided groove and pebble driveway of the light blue dump – the house was the same color as the sky on an overcast day. The little shingle covered piece of shit was about a quarter of the size of their home in Clifton, New jersey. Tony rolled down the window and gazed up at the half dead palm trees surrounding the property, then back at the house. The place was missing a couple of shutters and it looked like a bomb had hit it, but it somehow managed to barely survive the mayhem.