It's Wrong for Me to Love You, Part 3

by Krystal Armstead

  “Jamie should be here, Heaven.” Aaron’s temples twitched as he sat the spoon down on the table. “Why the fuck isn’t he here with you?”

  I dried my tears, shaking my head at Aaron.

  Aaron looked at me, realizing by the look on my face that I hadn’t even told Jamie about his child. “You didn’t tell him?” Aaron shook his head. “Heaven, you didn’t tell him he had a baby? You just left the dude in Maryland and didn’t tell him that you were pregnant? Is that what happened?”

  I looked at him. “He already has a baby, Aaron. I know you’ve seen the commercials!”

  Pictures of Jamie with his first-born son were all over sports magazines across the country. August Carter Green was the most beautiful baby boy you could ever see. He had a father who looked like he jumped straight out of a photo shoot for GQ and a mother who looked like a got-damn Playboy Bunny. Jamie was making a name for himself in both the NFL and the fashion industry, and Charlie wasn’t doing so bad herself. I saw her face in a few fashion magazines, and even saw her on a few catwalks on E! She may not have gotten to dance, but her name was still in lights. Little August would never have to want for anything. The bitch had gotten what she wanted—for her and her baby to be in Jamie’s life.

  Aaron shook his head. I knew he thought that I was wrong, but he left the subject alone. He yawned. “Shit. Excuse me.”

  I looked at him. “Tired?”

  Aaron looked at me, eyes coated in tears from yawning. “Hell yeah. I’ve been up for like two days straight. They got me running back and forth to press conferences and shit. Miami Heat wants me now, Heaven. I’m thinking of coming back stateside. My agent is trying to talk me out of it, but I miss home.”

  I looked at him.

  “I miss you,” Aaron admitted.

  I was so cruel to that boy. As soon as Jamie and I got back together, I dissed the hell out of Aaron. Made him really feel like he wasn’t shit. Aaron was bold enough to approach me at Jamie’s father’s funeral, and I shot him down. All the way down. Aaron was a great guy, but I couldn’t help who my heart belonged to at the time. Aaron was with Charlie, and we had no business being involved with one another. Had we both known Charlie and Jamie were sleeping together, we would have saved each other a whole lot of heartache, that’s for damn sure.

  Tears slid down my face. I just couldn’t believe that Aaron actually came; that he didn’t forget about me; that he still cared.

  Aaron held my face in his hands, drying my tears. “How’s singing going?” He changed the subject because he knew it wasn’t the right time.

  I nodded. “Okay, I guess. I didn’t get a chance to promote my album. It dropped a few weeks ago, but here I am, in bed. Anastasia canceled my tour and tried to cancel the album release date, but it was too late. Anastasia worked my ass off, do you hear me?”

  Aaron laughed a little, watching me force myself to try to smile.

  I looked at him, shaking my head. “Anastasia, Darryl, their staff, their managers, their songwriters, their producers, their promoters, their fans . . . this is my family now. My life has been nothing but tour buses, studio time, photo shoots, voice lessons, and dance rehearsals—and you know I’m so not a dancer!”

  Aaron grinned.

  “I don’t really have any friends of my own. Anastasia’s life has become my life. Renée comes when she can. Juanita writes every once in a while from prison. Autumn came to the BET Awards this past summer to see me; she tried to come when Renée told her that I lost the baby, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. You already know me and Charlie don’t speak. And Jamie hasn’t said a word to me since I turned his proposal down at the airport,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

  Aaron looked at me, his eyes searching my face. “Why? Shorty, why did you turn him down? You loved dude! You dissed me for that nigga, and you turned him down? Why?”

  I dried my face. “I found out I was pregnant, and it all hit me that he was having a baby with my own fuckin’ sister! That our kids would be sister-cousins or brother-cousins! I wanted to forgive him, but as soon as the words ‘you’re four-weeks pregnant’ came out of that doctor’s mouth, I saw my life flash before my eyes, and I didn’t like what I saw.”

  Aaron just looked at me, not sure what to say.

  “Jamie showed up to the airport that next morning and proposed to me in a terminal full of people. I didn’t mean to embarrass him, but I couldn’t marry him. Jamie is not the marriage type, and no matter how much he wanted to be, that just isn’t him!” I exclaimed. “I’m not gonna say that I’m over him, because you never get over someone who’s changed my life the way that he has, but I will say that it just wasn’t meant to be. The fact that I lost his baby, and he’s flaunting the baby that he has with her further proves that!”

  Aaron sighed, shaking his head at me. I’m sure he didn’t plan on seeing me that way when he stopped by the Allan mansion that day. He probably expected to see a shining star, who had just recorded her first album with a superstar that everyone in America wanted to record a song with. Out of hundreds of thousands of talented people who sent Anastasia demos and dance audition videos on the regular, she chose me, a real nobody, just a cousin of her husband. A cousin he didn’t even know he had until just a few years ago.

  “I’m sorry, Aaron. I hate that you have to see me like this.” I shook my head. “But I have to say that this is my first time out of my room in over three months.”

  “Baby steps,” Aaron smiled, not realizing what he was saying.

  I burst out crying.

  Aaron sighed. “Oh, shit, Heaven, baby, I’m sorry! Wrong choice of words.”

  I shook my head, drying my face. “No, it’s okay.” I struggled to stand up from the chair.

  Aaron rose to his feet, catching me before I fell. “Let me help you back to bed, sweetheart.”

  Aaron tucked me into bed that morning. He sat at my side, looking like he couldn’t believe that I was the same person that he left just months ago. “I have to catch up with my agent, shorty. He’ll cuss my ass out if I miss this meeting.” Aaron laughed a little.

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  “But, I’d like to come back over if you don’t mind. I mean, it’s been eight months since I’ve seen you. You’re not the same person that I saw then, but I know she’s still in there. I wanna see her before I go back to France.” Aaron’s eyes traced my face before he got up from the bed.

  I watched him as he walked out of my room.

  I sighed, covering my face with my hands. Why did that boy show up when I was feeling vulnerable and unlovable? I’d been watching Jamie on TV for months. I can’t tell you how many commercials had that fool in them. He signed a contract with Nike, not to mention he had his own clothing line that had just dropped. Little August was like in every fuckin’ commercial. I know that I already said that shit a few times, but the shit was really bothering me. My baby died, and everyone else’s life seemed to go on as normal. I wasn’t jealous of Charlie on any level, but I was tired of her getting everything she wanted when she so didn’t deserve it. My little nephew was adorable, but my heart wouldn’t let go of the fact that he was supposed to be mine.

  * * *

  It was about 8:00 that night when Beth knocked at my door and let Aaron in. He was dressed in a completely different outfit, like he was ready to head to the club. I was still in the same tank top and sweatpants, probably smelling like a bag of hell. The only thing on me that looked presentable were my Poetic braids, thanks to Renée.

  Aaron stepped into the room, and Beth stepped out.

  I sat up in the bed.

  Aaron grinned, holding a bag in his hand.

  “You going out on a date or something?” I looked him over. He was dressed to impress, in some urban French designer’s outfit that I’d never seen before. Damn, he was fine as hell. That body of his, OMG, was perfect.

  Aaron laughed a little. “Well, I was supposed to be meeting my agent and his niece at the club at ten. Yeah, it’s
supposed to be a date.”

  It was nice to see Aaron out and about, not giving a fuck about Charlie. “What’s in the bag?” I asked.

  “Oh,” Aaron walked over to me, sitting the bag on my nightstand. “Just something I picked up from Victoria’s Secret.”

  I looked at him, and then at the bag. “You got some fuckin’ lingerie in that bag, Aaron?”

  Aaron laughed out loud. “What, girl? Naw, some body wash! You know me better than that, Heaven. I don’t see a point in lingerie. I would rather see you naked than with any clothes on, you know that.”

  He had me blushing less than a minute into our conversation. “Wh–what kind of body wash?” I stuttered.

  Aaron grinned, knowing he was jump-starting my weak heart. “Vanilla.”

  My favorite. I looked up at him, lips trembling. “Why are you still so fuckin’ awesome?” I shook my head.

  There was a knock at my room door. Nurse Patty popped her head in, holding a towel, a wash cloth, and a change of clothes in her hands. “Hi, sweetie, you ready for your shower?”

  “Yes, Patty, thank you.” I pushed my covers from off of my legs.

  Patty was making her way over to me when Aaron caught her by the arm. She looked up into his face when he took the towel, wash cloth, and clothes from her hands.

  “I got this, Miss Patty. Let me do it.” He grinned at her.

  My eyes widened. I shook my head frantically at Patty. I really didn’t want that boy touching any part of my body the way that he was touching my heart.

  Patty laughed a little to herself, blushing, her white cheeks turning red. “Oh, my, okay, well . . . have fun, I mean.” She didn’t even know what to say. She just hurried her old ass out of my room.

  “Aaron!” I exclaimed.

  Aaron laughed, coming over to me, helping me up from the bed. “Where’s your shower?”

  I shook my head, looking up into his face as I stood from the bed. “Aaron, you know, you got some nerve.”

  “I just wanna help you. I can’t stand to see you like this.” Aaron’s eyes traced my face. “I won’t try anything, I swear. I got a date tonight, remember?”

  * * *

  Aaron sat on the edge of the tub. I held his shoulders, balancing myself as he helped me slide out of my clothes. Aaron was trying his damnedest not to look at me. By the time I undressed completely, his eyes were fixated on my belly button ring.

  I looked down at Aaron. He’d grown his hair out a little, about an inch or two. His hair was curly and I never even knew it. I ran my fingers through his hair just a little. “You grew your hair out.”

  Aaron looked up at me, smiling a little.

  I loved the bathroom in my bedroom. It was the first time I had lived in a house that had a shower separate from the bathtub. Aaron held my hand, leading me over to the shower. He opened the frosted door and reached in to set the water at just the right temperature.

  I stepped inside, holding the body wash that he’d brought me in my hands, closing the door behind me. I sat down on the stool that sat inside of the shower.

  Aaron cleared his throat. “You good, shorty?”

  My heart was beating so fast. Usually, the nurses helped me bathe. It was hard to wash myself. I was so weak and in so much pain. The pain in my heart had penetrated my entire body. It was going to take everything I had in me to move on from Sara’s death.

  “I–I’ll let you know when I need to stand up to wash,” I whispered.

  “A’ight.” I saw Aaron going over to the vanity table in the bathroom, to sit on the stool.

  We both sat there in awkward silence. I knew there was a lot that he was dying to ask me, because there was a lot that I was dying to ask him. We both started to speak, cutting each other off.

  “My bad, shorty,” Aaron cleared his throat. “You go first.”

  “Naw, boo, you go first.” I started to wash off.

  “So, what’s wrong with you, Heaven? What are the doctors saying?” He asked.

  I sighed. I really didn’t feel like talking about my plethora of health issues. “Aaron, where do I start? Ummm, I have lupus and autonomic neuropathy.”

  Aaron hesitated. “Autonomic neuropathy? What the hell is that? Something to do with nerves, I’m guessing.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. It’s a nerve disorder that affects your involuntary body functions like your heart and blood vessels. I’m just finding this out now, too. It would have saved my Aunt Joyce a lot of money when she was helping cover the costs of the surgeries that I had as a kid. They could never figure out what was causing the heart failure until now. And it’s all thanks to Anastasia for sending me to the right people for testing.”

  “Is there a cure for this?” Aaron hesitated.

  “No. And I’m sure my depression and anxiety aren’t helping.” I sighed.

  Aaron was quiet. He wasn’t sure what to say. What could he say? Instead of avoiding stress, it seems like I went looking for it.

  “So,” I broke the tension, “how is Paris?”

  Aaron laughed a little. “Oh, it was amazing the first few weeks. Shit, I went sightseeing. I ate at some of the best restaurants and went to every club that there is. My agent and manager had me meeting all kinds of fashion designers and shit. I was in a few fashion shows, too. Shit, I can’t tell you how many free clothes I got just by showing up to photo shoots. I’m talkin’ about clothes by Giuseppe Zanotti, Versace, Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana—every damn body! My basketball coach is cool as a muthafucka. My parents and my aunt came out to visit me at least four times in the past eight months. My apartment sits right over the water. I swear, shorty, it feels like a paradise. Life is good. That is, until I realize I’m living that life alone.”

  My heart skipped a beat as the water beat down against my skin. “C’mon, Aaron, you can’t tell me that you haven’t met one girl in eight months!” I tried to play off my nervousness by flattering his ego. “A guy who looks like you should have no problem getting a girl!”

  Aaron laughed. “I’m not saying I have a problem getting a girl—I’m just saying that the girls have a problem getting to me. I didn’t go to Paris for that shit, Heaven. Jeremiah, my agent, seems to think I need a girl, too, which is why he’s introducing me to his niece tonight.”

  I started to lather my body with soap, trying my best to calm myself. My heart beat rapidly in my chest. “Yeah? What does she look like?” I tried pacing my breathing.

  Aaron hesitated. “Like something I’m not even trying to deal with.”

  I needed help washing my back, but was too nervous to tell him. Renée was right, I was skinny as hell. I had lost every ounce of fat that I had on my bones. It was going to take months to gain back the little weight that I had. Other than the ten pounds I gained while pregnant, I never weighed more than 115 pounds soaking wet. I couldn’t afford to lose any weight. I felt so ashamed of looking the way that I did. I’m pretty sure the chick that Aaron was supposed to get fixed up with that night was stacked. Aaron and Jamie kept some hot bitches around them. That was the crowd they rolled with. Even Charlie. She was like Beyonce, Lauryn London, Cassie, Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Lopez, and Melissa Ford all rolled up into one. A bad bitch, I had to admit. I didn’t have shit on her as far as looks were concerned. But Aaron thought different.

  “My agent doesn’t know that I met his niece before. She ain’t nothing but a girl trying to meet some rich dude to take care of her. Yeah, she’s fine, in any man’s book. But she’s too much like my last girl. You know, light-skinned, thick, seductive, you’re-all-about-her-but-she’s-all-about-hers type of chick.” I heard Aaron’s voice approaching closer to the shower. “I would never involve myself with Draya—she’s gonna end up bleeding some nigga dry, but shit, it’s not gonna be me. I’m just going on this double date with my agent so he can stop fuckin’ talking about her, trying to sell the girl to me.”

  I had to say something. Aaron tried to find fault in every female that wasn’t me. It took him years to tell me how he felt ab
out me, and once he let everything all out in the open, he couldn’t bring himself to keep anything else inside. In front of everyone at his wedding rehearsal dinner last December, in front of his parents who didn’t like me, in front of Jamie, and in front of Charlie, he told me that whenever I wanted him, he was ready. His entire family was there to see him marry Charlie, but he couldn’t have cared less. Once he found out the truth about Charlie and Jamie, he was free to be himself, and he refused to go back into that cage.

  “Aaron, you are too wonderful to be single all your life.” I sighed, trying to reach my back with the bath sponge, but I couldn’t.

  “I’m just not trying to settle anymore. I did that shit with Charlie, and I promised myself I would never do that shit again.” Aaron responded after a short pause.

  I sighed, irritated that I couldn’t reach my back on my own. I was feeling really vulnerable, and I really didn’t want to get caught up in Aaron’s touch.

  I saw Aaron’s blurry figure turn to me, hearing my struggle. “Heaven, you straight? You need me?”

  I hated to answer that. “Y–yes.” I watched him not hesitate a second to remove some of his clothing. “I mean, I just need you to help me wash my back.”

  Aaron was silent. He opened the door to the shower. He had undressed down to his tank top and boxers, something that wouldn’t have me more uncomfortable than I already was.

  I looked up at him, as he held out his hands to help me up.

  I reached out to him, and he helped me up by my hands, pulling me up against him. I looked up into his face, and he took the sponge from my hands. I had to tell someone how I felt, no matter how much it made that person feel uncomfortable. “I’ve known that boy all my life! He won’t have anything to do with me anymore! I’m lost without that asshole! I ain’t shit without him.” I whispered.

  Aaron slid the sponge across my back, firmly pressing it against my back. “I’m not gonna lie, it hurts like hell to hear you talk about dude.” I felt like I was getting a deep tissue massage, his touch was so intense. “You’re letting your feelings for this dude cloud your judgment, Heaven. You don’t need that muthafucka. You’re too good for that muthafucka. He knows that shit, too, which is why he hasn’t showed his face. Trust me, he knows what he had.” Aaron looked down into my face.