It's Wrong for Me to Love You, Part 3

by Krystal Armstead

  Jayson’s eyes widened. “Alisha as in Alisha Newsome?”

  I nodded. I wasn’t ready to come to terms with my feelings about her death. I had just gotten to know Alisha on a personal level that past year and a half. She was so fuckin’ funny and passionate about the things she loved the most. She always kept it real. She never sugarcoated anything. She was honest even when you wanted her to lie to you. I should have gotten to know her back in middle school. Instead of chasing dick, I should have put more heart into dancing the way that she did. She could have made it very far in life. She had agencies and celebrities all over the country asking about her. Anastasia Jones even wanted her. I wasted so much time hating that girl.

  “Wait, when did y’all become friends?” Jayson sat down on the bed next to me. “The last I remember, y’all hated each other. Some shit about you sleeping with Ashton.”

  I shook my head at him. “First of all, I didn’t sleep with Ashton. We moved passed all the rumors and shit last year. I found out that she had cancer. I wasted so much time hating that girl when I should have gotten to know her. Twenty years old, Jayson. The girl was twenty fuckin’ years old!” I couldn’t fight the tears any longer.

  Jayson tried to hold my face, drying my tears,

  I pushed his hand away. I wasn’t gonna let another man suck me in the way Jamie once had. “I’m good, Jayson.” I laughed away the tears, drying my face. “I just wish we could have spent the last seven years being friends, instead of enemies. She taught me a lot about life. It’s too short to waste.” I looked at Jayson. “I’m sick of just fuckin’, Jayson. Do you know how much dick I’ve sucked? How many dicks I’ve rode this year? I do this shit every night!”

  Jayson laughed to himself. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself, sweetheart.”

  I shook my head at him. “I have a son, Jayson. He looks up to me, he worships me. I love him. I don’t want him to look at me and think that every woman is like this. I want to make my baby proud. If he knew I was a thot, he wouldn’t love or respect me. He’d treat me like all the other men in my life.”

  Jayson put his arm around me. “You’re single, Charlene—you can do what the fuck you want.”

  I looked up into his face. “Yeah, I’m single, but you’re not. You’re not even supposed to be here, honey. I don’t know what’s lacking in your relationship, but you’re not gonna find it here tonight.”

  Jayson laughed to himself. “It was pretty bold of me just jumpin’ in your ride like you didn’t have other plans, huh?”

  I smiled a little. “Yeah, just a little.”

  “Well, my partner isn’t gonna come all the way here from the other side of town, Charlie. He’s working until at least two o’clock. I could call him, but he won’t get here until around three. So can I at least get some sleep? Maybe even a beer or something to drink?” Jayson’s brown eyes searched my face. He wasn’t even mad at me, and I really appreciated that. Another nigga probably would’ve been disrespectful or forceful. But I should have known Jayson would be cool. I’ve known dude since middle school.

  I smiled. “Yeah, I’ll get you something to drink. No problem. Lilia!” I yelled.

  Chapter 4: Smash-n-Dash

  Charlene

  I awoke to Lilia frantically shaking my shoulder. I pushed my hair from my face, sitting up in my bed. I had the worst fuckin’ headache of my life, right in the middle of my face. Jayson and I had been up drinking until at least 1:30. We just sat up talking, laughing, and tripping about high school. I was only dressed in a bra and panties, and we just talked, though I know it didn’t appear that way.

  Lilia was standing over me, with her arms folded, and big ass pink rollers in her head.

  I looked up at her, “What?” I was frustrated as hell, being that there were no sun rays coming through the drapes in my room. It was the middle of the night. And I probably had only been asleep for an hour or so.

  “Señor Jamie Green is downstairs waiting for you, señorita.” Lilia shook her head at me, looking over at Jayson who was lying next to me, asleep in all of his clothes except his jacket and Kevlar vest. “Necesitas poner algo de ropa, puta.” She muttered before leaving my side, walking toward the door.

  The bitch didn’t know I knew she was telling my bitch-ass to put some fuckin’ clothes on. I did listen in Spanish III. “Oh, Jamie has seen me in much less, honey,” I shouted at her back as she reached the door.

  Lilia stopped in her tracks, clenching her fists before leaving the room.

  “Jamie, it’s—” I looked at the grandfather clock that stood in the corridor, “Two forty-eight in the morning.” I tied my robe around my waist, meeting Jamie at the bottom of the stairs.

  Jamie stood there in a crisp white t-shirt, ankle length gray shorts, and brightly colored K.D’s. He held a matching brightly colored cap in his hands. He always dressed like he was ready to hit the club; he always looked his best no matter how bad he felt on the inside. He had to be feeling pretty shitty to come over my place at damn near 3:00 in the morning.

  Jamie looked down at me as I looked up at him.

  “You okay?” I looked up in his face.

  His eyes seemed to connect the freckles on my cheeks. “I need to talk to you, shawty.”

  I shook my head. “Jamie, this really isn’t a good time. I have company.”

  Jamie made a face, pulling me to him by my hand a little. “And? Tell the nigga to leave, yo.”

  I laughed a little. “What? I’m not telling him to leave! Would you put your bitches out for me?”

  Jamie didn’t hesitate. “Yeah, you know I would.”

  I looked at him, my heart skipping a few beats. “Well, Jayson’s asleep, so . . .”

  Jamie looked at me. “Jayson? Jayson who?”

  Just when I opened my mouth to speak, Jayson spoke for himself. “Taylor—Jayson Taylor.” Jayson came down the steps, putting on his jacket. “What’s up, Jamie Green? It’s been a long time, man!” He was actually excited to see Jamie. They weren’t the closest friends in school, but they’d pretty much hung with the same crowd.

  Jamie wasn’t really in the mood for a high school reunion at the moment. He had some shit he wanted to get off of his chest, and Jayson was stepping on his toes. Jamie looked at me, grinning a little before looking back at Jayson, “What’s up, homie?”

  Jayson approached Jamie, giving him a little brotherly, ain’t-seen-you-in-a-minute love. “How have you been, man? I mean, I know the game is treatin’ you nice, but outside of that, what you been up to?”

  Jamie just looked at Jayson. I knew Jamie well enough to know he wasn’t about to talk to Jayson like they were old friends at 3:00 in the morning. Jamie and I were nowhere near being together, but he couldn’t tell me it didn’t bother him to see other dudes in my house. “Dude, I ain’t tryin’ to be rude or nothin’, but you gotta get the fuck up outta here.”

  My mouth dropped open a little. He had some fuckin’ nerve.

  Jayson laughed a little. “What?”

  “You heard me, nigga, I said you need to get the fuck up outta here,” Jamie repeated himself.

  “What, are y’all seeing each other or something?” Jayson grinned.

  “What the fuck does it matter to you? Aren’t you married, bruh? Got a wife and three kids, my nigga? You ain’t even supposed to be here, yo.” Jamie snarled.

  “Jamie, no, you can’t do this.” I faced Jayson. “Jayson, sweetie, you don’t have to go anywhere.”

  Jayson smiled down at me. “No, Charlene, it’s all good. My ride just called and said he was outside waiting on me anyway. It was nice talkin’ to you. I’ll be sending your tickets in the mail, sweetheart.” He walked past us and headed toward the door.

  I shook my head at Jamie before rushing to the door to catch up with Jayson before he left out the door. “Jayson, wait! I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. Forgive Jamie—anything that comes out of his mouth right now should not even be taken seriously! We just buried our friend yesterday
!”

  Jayson smiled at me, “No need for the apology. Your baby daddy pops up at this time in the morning to talk to you, maybe you should see what he wants.”

  I watched Jayson walk over to the police car parked in my circular drive way, right behind another one of Jamie’s pimped-out rides. Jamie’s car was black, lime green, and chrome. It looked like someone pimped the Batmobile.

  “Jamie, what kind of car is that?” I shook my head at the candy-painted car before closing the door.

  “A Chevy Creeper.” Jamie sat on the third step from the bottom of the stairway. “It’s not on the market yet, shawty.”

  I went back over and sat next to him. “Jamie.” I sighed, eyes tracing his profile, “What was that about?” I knew what it was about. He was already having a fucked-up day. First he sees his ex-girlfriend with the man he swore he wouldn’t let her end up with. And then he sees me, the woman he wished he never had a baby with, still sleeping around with every nigga in town.

  Jamie couldn’t even look at me. “I needed someone to talk to.”

  I laughed a little. “Since when do we ever talk, Jamie? The last real talk we had was back on that beach in Miami, a year and nine months ago.”

  “They’re married, Charlene.” Jamie looked at me.

  “Who’s married?” I looked into Jamie’s face. He didn’t even have to say who. The flaring nostrils and the twitching temples pretty much gave it away. “Who told you this?”

  “Nobody had to. I saw the rings on their fingers today at the funeral, shawty.” Jamie shook his head to himself. “I went out of my way to change for shawty, Charlene. Yeah, I fucked up, but I changed who I was for her!”

  I shook my head. “Jamie, we weren’t honest with Ne’Vaeh, and you know it. And the shit that went down at the baby shower only made the situation worse. Aaron is a great guy. You know he’ll take care of her.”

  Jamie looked at me like I was fuckin’ crazy, and then looked away from me to really contemplate about what I had just said. “So, I’m just supposed to let him have her?” he asked after being silent for a few seconds.

  I shrugged. “He already does, sweetie; like it or not, she’s gone.”

  “This hurts like hell, Charlene. I’m barely breathing. My chest hurts. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was having a heart attack or something, shawty. I ain’t never felt like this before. What is this feeling?” Jamie buried his head between his knees.

  I knew that feeling all too well. “Heartbreak,” I whispered.

  “How long does it last?” Jamie whispered back.

  I shook my head, trying not to cry. “I’ll let you know when I start to heal from mine.”

  Jamie lifted his head looking at me. His eyes were glistening, but he refused to let himself cry in front of me. “Shawty, I didn’t mean to bail on Alisha’s funeral, but I couldn’t stay and watch those two muthafuckas together, all hugged up and shit. Was Ashton okay?”

  I shook my head at him. “No, he wasn’t. I’m not sure when he’ll ever be okay, to be honest.”

  “Are you okay?” Jamie put his hand on my bare thigh. That damn touch of his, oh my fuckin’ goodness, always sent a jolt straight to my damn g-spot.

  I lost all my senses for a few seconds. He hadn’t touched me in so long. He hadn’t so much as accidentally bumped into me or grazed his shoulder up against mine. I missed his touch so much. Yeah, I had been with a lot of men over the past year, but no one could compare to Jamie. I felt connected to him. Not just because we had a son together, but because I could still feel that boy inside of me. Since I knew that we would never be together, I guess I was just searching for something that even came a little close to that feeling that he gave me. He’d entered my soul, and my soul had a hard time letting go.

  “J–just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time, ya know?” I regained my ability to speak. “Alisha was awesome. I spent so much time hating her instead of listening to her.”

  “Well, I know she appreciates what you did for her family. She’s probably gonna be dancing in heaven along with you and those little girls in that dance studio that you started!” Jamie laughed a little. “That was real decent of you, shawty. Them little girls are gonna be thankful, ya know? A lot of them come from rough neighborhoods and broken homes. You’re giving them a place to feel safe. You’re giving them a reason to believe in themselves. I wish they would have had something like that for me when I was a kid, something to keep us little niggas out of trouble. I’m proud of you for doing this, shawty, real talk.”

  I blushed a little. “Oh my goodness, am I in the twilight zone? Is Jamie Green actually saying something nice about me? Whoa, I must be dreaming!”

  Jamie laughed a little. “Naw, shawty, I’m trying to be serious. Y’all were at each other’s throats since we were kids, yo, and you know it. The fact that y’all could move past all that and get to know one another is beautiful, that’s all I’m saying.”

  I looked at Jamie. We hadn’t really sat down and talked in a long time. I hated how it all went down, but I didn’t regret having a baby with him. “Little August is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Jamie.” I finally admitted out loud to him. “I’m sorry about you and Ne’Vaeh, but I’m not sorry that I kept my baby. He’s awesome.”

  Jamie agreed. “Yeah, he is. Little Man is the only thing keeping my heart beating right now. That laugh of his, boy, it gives me life.”

  I looked at Jamie. I had to talk to him about what Kelissa had told me while I had the damn nerve. “Jamie, what are you doin’ fuckin’ with your coach’s daughter and the damn owner’s wife? You’re fuckin’ crazy! Those two can end your NFL career! And you know that shit!”

  Jamie looked at me like he could care less about what I was saying.

  I shook my head at him. “You worked too hard for this, boo, to just throw it all away over her. You have a son to think about! You have yourself to think about, Jamie. I’m gonna have to pull some serious strings to keep your career afloat.”

  Jamie shook his head. “Naw, I’m good, shawty.”

  “No, you’re not! Now, the season doesn’t start back until September. You have at least three and a half months to do something else with your time. You need to occupy your time with weight training and extracurricular activities other than fuckin’ bitches and partying! You’re so talented, Jamie. I’ve been hearing that you can sing, like really sing. They’re calling you the next Tyrese! Do something with that shit, Jamie! You gotta show that you’re an asset to the entertainment industry, that you’re more than just football and fashion. Market your talents everywhere. You’ve made your mark in the athletic industry. You’ve made your mark in the sports apparel industry. You need to start showing your skills in the music industry, too. Kent doesn’t play about his wife, honey, I’m trying to tell you.”

  “Oh, y’all are on a first-name status, huh?” Jamie shook his head at me.

  I rolled my eyes, “Jamie, please, okay? You know my past, don’t even front.”

  “Your past?” Jamie laughed out loud. “Was that your muthafuckin’ past that just walked the fuck up outta here? Looks like your history likes to repeat itself to me, shawty.”

  I shook my head at Jamie’s emotions. He was really on some other shit early this morning. “Wow, you were really in your feelings today, Jamie, and I really don’t have time for it. I’m just trying to help your ol’ horny, arrogant, conceited ass, but no. You’re trying to point the finger at me. You need to get the fuck over that bitch and concentrate on your career, the same shit you were doing before you even got back with that girl. Suck the shit up and move the fuck on. And don’t come back to my fuckin’ house crying over her, because evidently, the bitch isn’t crying over you!”

  I’m sorry. Jamie needed that shit. He was starting to get on my last fuckin’ nerve. We hadn’t sat down and talked in over a year, and he had the nerve to come up in my house and act like he was running shit. He had me fucked up, all the way up.

  Jamie just lau
ghed to himself.

  I wasn’t in the mood for laughing; I was irritated as hell. “What the hell is so got-damn funny? I’m trying to help you, and you’re over here judging me! I don’t tell you how to fuck your bitches, do I? No, I stay in my lane. But you have the nerve to come up in here, and throw my company out so you can sit here and talk to me about another girl? Bruh, I’m really not in the mood for this shit.”

  Then Jamie grabbed my hand.

  I looked up at him, my emotions immediately changing from anger to sympathy. He was really hurt. He really needed me. He really needed a friend, and it was obvious he didn’t have any, or else he wouldn’t have come to me.

  “Can we go somewhere and get a drink or something?” Jamie asked.

  I didn’t even hesitate or stop to think. “Yeah.” I nodded. “Let me go change my clothes.”

  * * *

  There it was, 5:00 in the morning, and we were sitting at a booth in Tipsy’s, a bar in the middle of Baltimore City. I was dressed in a pair of dark denim skinny jeans, a black spaghetti strapped shirt, and a pair of black Red Bottoms. I was on my third Corona, and Jamie was barely through his first bottle. He just stared at me, as I licked the beer from my lips.

  We had been sitting there for damn near an hour and a half, and we had barely said five words to each other. It was getting late, and I was working on barely an hour of sleep. I had to be at Alisha’s apartment at 9:00 that morning to help Ashton clean up and pack her things. There was no way that I’d be able to go all the way back to DC to my house, and then have the strength to drive all the way back to Baltimore. I was going to have to check myself into a hotel in the city.

  “I appreciate you coming to chill with me, shawty.” Jamie finally said, his brown eyes searching my face. “I didn’t mean to kick your company out.”

  I shook my head, sitting the bottle of beer on the table. “It’s all good. He was about to leave anyway. We weren’t having sex, Jamie. I mean, it started out that way, but when I found out he was married with children, I changed my mind. I’m tired of fuckin’, Jamie. When am I gonna get to make love again? I don’t wanna be someone’s jump off, someone’s side chick, someone’s smash-n-dash. I don’t wanna be a main chick, I wanna be an only chick. Is that too much to ask?”