Divine by Mistake

by P. C. Cast

What was her first clue?

  “Nor do I believe you to be as, well, experienced in the ways of men as was Rhiannon.”

  I like to think I’ve attracted my share of men, but one hundred guards is just plain gluttonous.

  “Uh, no. And, thanks for the advice. I agree.” She looked relieved. “Jeesh, stop worrying about stepping on my feet.”

  She looked confused.

  “I mean, you don’t have to worry about hurting my ego. I depend on you—just be honest with me.”

  “That I can do.”

  “Good.”

  “And I was wondering—what does ‘jeesh’ mean?”

  “It’s something I say to keep me from cussing.”

  “Oh. It does not seem to work very well,” she said very matter-of-factly.

  “No shit,” I said through my opened lips as I applied the finishing strokes of lipstick. “I think I’m ready for these ceremonial robes.”

  “Put this on while I get your garment.” She handed me the coronet, and its beauty, again, took me by surprise.

  “I hope there are matching earrings for this thing.”

  “Yes,” she spoke over her shoulder as she opened one of the many wardrobes that lined the far side of the room. “Look in that box nearest you. There should be earrings and an armlet that match.”

  I was happily pawing through the jewels when she returned.

  “Here.” She handed me another silky thong. This time it looked like it was made of liquid gold. I was beginning to believe Rhiannon had a panty-line phobia.

  “Now, stand and hold your arms away from your sides, this usually takes some complicated wrapping.”

  I faced her and did as I was told. The waterfall of what looked like liquid gold that she was maneuvering so carefully around my body intrigued me. I stood very still while she wrapped and wrapped and wrap—

  “Hey! Where’s the top to this thing?”

  She was finished. She hadn’t used any pins—I had no clue how the material was staying on my body. The skirt portion was long, but it had several slits in it (even more than Rhiannon’s clothes usually had), so that I could imagine it would fall beautifully around Epi when I was seated astride her. That was okay. It was the top that was causing me stress. It crossed and wrapped intricately around my torso, leaving both of my breasts totally bared.

  “Rhea—” she looked dangerously close to laughter as she noticed my horrified expression “—there is no ‘top’ to it. This is the ceremonial attire the Beloved of Epona wears during the morning blessing ritual.”

  “I thought you said it was a robe!” I looked down at my two very naked thirty-five-year-old breasts.

  “Oh, of course. I wouldn’t forget your robe.” She hurried back to the wardrobe. And returned with another piece of liquid gold, which glistened with swirl after swirl of crystal beads, forming an intricate, delicate design.

  “Let me guess—more skulls.”

  “Yes!” She looked pleased at my demonstrated ability to learn as she pinned the cloak neatly around my neck. It flowed down my back, glittering like stars on a clear Oklahoma night. But it didn’t cover one damn bit of my breasts.

  “You look beautiful—as always.”

  “Oh, hold on here! Are you telling me that I am supposed to go out in public, in front of all those people, with my boobs flopping around in front of God, or, uh, Goddess and everyone?” (Not to mention ClanFintan—although he’s already seen them. Still…) I crossed my arms, already imagining the cool morning breeze and the staring eyes.

  Alanna looked puzzled by my reaction. “In your old world were there no priestesses who wore ceremonial dress?”

  An image of my Presbyterian pastor, Ted Foote, flashed through my mind. He’s a friendly guy, and I like him (he’s even let me teach adult Sunday school—which was pretty darn brave of him), but I couldn’t imagine him baring his breast to the congregation on Sunday morning. Not even on Easter Sunday.

  “Yes, but they don’t bare parts of their bodies.”

  She looked aghast at our barbarism.

  “Rhea, the baring of a priestess’s body symbolizes the honesty and intimacy of her relationship with her goddess. If you cover yourself, the people will believe Epona has deserted you, or worse, that you are blaspheming your goddess.”

  “It doesn’t seem to me that Rhiannon was very damn honest,” I grumbled, trying to force my arms down to my sides.

  “She was honest. She never pretended to be anything except spoiled and self-indulgent.”

  “But—” My arms found their way reluctantly to my sides.

  “But the people loved her because she was Epona’s Chosen. As are you.”

  “Okay. I’ll try to ignore the fact that my boobs are flapping in the breeze for everyone to gawk at.” A thought hit me. “But I don’t want to talk to the teacher while I’m dressed like this. Can you send word to her to meet us in my chambers after the ceremony—after I’ve had a chance to change my clothes?”

  “Yes.” Alanna nodded and blushed a bright pink.

  “Hey, is there some problem with—”

  Alanna interrupted. “No! There is no problem!” She cleared her throat and began hustling me toward the door. “Rhea, we cannot be late.”

  CHAPTER 17

  “Oh, bloody, buggering hell.” Using Brit cusswords might help me to maintain a certain level of dignity. At least in theory. I squared my shoulders, which caused my breasts to jut out even more prominently than usual.

  Again, I’m not what you could describe as a small-breasted gal. And I’ve always been pleased that I’m not. To be totally honest, I admit that I’ve felt smug as my flat-chested girlfriends lamented over not filling out their bikini tops and scrambled to the local plastic surgeon for their augmentations. As I reluctantly followed Alanna out of the privacy of the bathing room, I found myself, for the first time in my adult life, wishing I hadn’t been quite so blessed by the Tit Fairy (she’s the more popular cousin of the Tooth Fairy).

  Exiting the room, Alanna stepped aside so I could take my place as leader. She shot me an encouraging smile. I couldn’t even glance at the two guards, but I felt their eyes on me. Or, more precisely, I felt them staring at my bare boobs!

  I turned and began beating a hasty retreat down the empty hall.

  “My Lady?”

  And was stopped by Alanna’s voice. She was still back at the door to the bathing room. I turned—giving her a look that I’m sure was reminiscent of bitchy Rhiannon.

  “Yes,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

  “Mistress, you are pressed for time. If there is something you require from your chambers, I will send a maiden to fetch it for you.” She nodded subtly in the opposite direction from which I had been headed.

  Okay, so I’d been going the wrong direction.

  “Thank you for reminding me.” I marched purposefully back to her and grabbed her hand as I passed her so she was forced to walk next to me.

  “You’ll have to show me where the hell we’re going,” I whispered.

  “Rhiannon always had all who would be part of the ceremony await her directly in front of Epona’s stables,” she whispered in reply. “She loved the spectacle she presented riding up to the Tor, with her maidens strewing flowers before The Chosen.”

  We turned a corner in the hall and it immediately widened. Two ornately carved double doors opened out to the beautiful courtyard I had noticed yesterday. Alanna continued whispering as we walked through the doors.

  “Follow this walkway straight across the courtyard. See those doors over there?” I nodded. “We go through there, turn to the right and exit through the other set of opened doors. You will see the stables and your entourage.”

  I nodded again.

  Alanna tugged on my hand. “Rhea, slow down. Remember that you are Mistress here. You are Epona’s Beloved, High Priestess of Partholon, and you have performed this ceremony many, many times.”

  I followed her directions, and sooner than I was ready, we bu
rst out of the main temple building and into the early-morning sunlight. My feet stopped, and I was grateful that Alanna didn’t drag me forward, allowing me a moment to compose myself.

  We had exited on the back side of the temple, which brought us to the rear of the stables. The corral was several yards in front of us. In front of the corral were probably half a dozen of my nymphet-maidens, scantly clad in gorgeous see-through white dresses (mine was the only outfit missing a top). They all carried baskets filled to overflowing with what I assumed must be rose petals. Epi and ClanFintan stood in the middle of them.

  As if she could sense my presence, Epi’s ears flickered in my direction and she let loose a vibrating whinny of welcome.

  “Epona’s Beloved…” Alanna gave my hand a last squeeze before releasing it. “You can do this. They are depending on you.”

  I took a deep breath, brought my chin up and stepped haughtily out of the doorway. If I was going to do it, I was damn sure going to do it right. As I approached the waiting group, I tried to keep my eyes on Epi, but I could feel ClanFintan’s hot gaze almost as surely as I could feel my boobs jiggling merrily. I guess they must be happy to be free at last.

  The nymphs executed their usual graceful curtsies, and Epi’s whinny changed to a welcoming nicker as she thrust her velvety muzzle against my cheek. I smiled and kissed her softly.

  “How have you been, sweet girl? I’ve worried about you, and missed you terribly.”

  Her nuzzle was a comforting reply.

  “Have you missed and worried about me, too?” ClanFintan’s deep voice passed through me like a hot finger that left a trail of shivers up and down my spine.

  I turned to face him, leaning my back against Epi’s warm side.

  “I’ve missed you.” I met his gaze with a teasing smile. “But I’m very damn sure there’s absolutely nothing physically wrong with you—so I needn’t spend any time worrying. Or did you somehow hurt your hoof last night?”

  My handmaidens tittered adorably, making me wonder if the “maiden” part of their title was just ornamental.

  He leered rakishly at me, suddenly reminding me of a pirate, and took my hand in his, raising it to his lips. He kissed my palm and then my wrist, lingering at the spot where my pulse beat wildly.

  “No…” He stepped close to me, still holding my hand in his. “We—I mean—I injured nothing last night.”

  His voice was an intimate caress, and for an instant I forgot all about my bared boobs. But Alanna’s words brought me back to the real world. Well, relatively speaking.

  “My Lady, are you ready to proceed with the ceremony?”

  “Yes.” I glanced at Epi, noticing how beautifully her tack sparkled in the clear morning sunlight. Her hackamore and saddle blanket were studded with carved gold (more damn skulls). Even the stirrups glistened and winked—and I wasn’t surprised to notice jewels gleaming at me.

  “Rhiannon, allow me.”

  ClanFintan put his arms around my waist and lifted me easily to Epi’s back. I slid one leg over, and two of the maids stepped forward to guide my feet into the stirrups. I’d been right about the skirt. It was slit just right, so that it fell in lovely folds around Epi but left most of my legs bare. Oh, well, maybe my breasts wouldn’t look so naked in comparison.

  The nymphs scurried forward until they formed a double column in front of Epi. Alanna stood on the right side of Epi, ClanFintan on the left. I looked at Alanna and she nodded.

  “Let’s go,” I said, and I clucked to Epi, who stepped forward like she knew what she was doing. The nymphets skipped ahead of us, moving gracefully like ballerinas. Every few feet one of them would grab a handful of rose petals out of her basket and strew them before Epi. I also noticed that every once in a while one of them would pirouette joyfully around. (My guess was they were happy because their boobs weren’t naked, too, but I might have been wrong.)

  We moved slowly out from behind the temple, heading in a northeasterly direction. The wall loomed before us in creamy glory. The rear exit was smaller than the grand front gates, and like the exit from the stables it seemed to disappear neatly back into the wall when it closed behind us. There was a softly rounded hill in front of us, and as Epi climbed over its crest a shout of welcome greeted us. We made our way down the hill, and I clutched her reins tightly so that no one could see how much my hands were shaking.

  Before us waited a sea of people and centaurs. Behind the crowd I could see the wide Geal River, and as my eyes followed the river downstream, I could see the part of it that I had noticed from the air—it got even wider and formed a kind of harbor where several barges were docked.

  We reached the edge of the crowd and they parted before the flower-strewing, cavorting maidens like I was a bare-breasted Moses. As we moved through them, the people spoke greetings with such warmth that I felt my stomach stop clenching. I spotted Dougal and Connor standing in a group of centaurs. Their shouts of welcome made my lips turn up in a happy grin. My hands stopped trembling. They were a great audience. I smiled back at them and waved (I wanted to look queenly, but more friendly than the Queen—she always looked so stiff, and, well, so British). We were making our way to a clover-covered hill. All around the base of it stood tall, ancient-looking stones that were the color of fog. My girls split up, and each moved to stand near one of the stones. Epi didn’t hesitate. She picked her way between two of the stones, climbing to the top of the hill. I was relieved to see ClanFintan and Alanna following us.

  When Epi reached the top of the hill, she turned so that the river was to our backs. The people faced us, and soon they quieted respectfully. I looked down at Alanna. She glanced pointedly over her shoulder to the river. I followed suit. The water looked amazing. As we watched, the sun crested the trees on the far bank, and its rays touched the water, causing it to sparkle as if it were made of liquid jewels. When I could tear my eyes from the incredible sight, I met Alanna’s waiting gaze.

  She nodded and I could barely make out her whispered, “It is time.”

  Clearing my throat, I faced the adoring crowd—and sent up a silent prayer to Epona, If I really am your Chosen, please give me the right words to say to these people.

  Using my best teacher voice, I opened with the obvious. “Good morning!”

  A ripple of laughter ran through the crowd, followed by an enthusiastic “Good morning, Epona’s Beloved!”

  So far, so good.

  “I come to you this morning with a twofold purpose.” Their silence awed me—I wished briefly that my students could see what really paying attention looked like. “First, to speak of an evil that threatens all of us, and, second, to ask Epona’s blessing for our cause.” I looked intently at my crowd, making eye contact with several of the listening people and centaurs. “As you know, MacCallan Castle, and my father, have been destroyed by Fomorians.”

  I paused here and allowed them to express their grief. After they quieted, I continued.

  “Epona has shown me that they have also overtaken Guardian Castle.” This time all that met my words was shocked silence. I looked at their faces and couldn’t add what I knew about the women. I was pretty sure the centaurs knew the worst of it, but I didn’t know just how far the knowledge had spread. I felt in my gut that I shouldn’t go there right now. There would be time for that later, after the first shock of invasion had become easier to bear.

  I turned and gestured to ClanFintan. He stepped closer to Epi.

  “I have appointed my husband, ClanFintan, as Chieftain of Warriors.” A cheer went up from the centaurs, which was echoed by the human men. I glanced quickly at Alanna and gave her a smug see, there aremore ways than one to inspire men look (not many more, but…).

  The cheers quieted and I continued. “ClanFintan has sent for the heads of all of the Clans and Herds.” I made a quick decision that I hoped fervently would make sense. “After he meets with them, he will call for a meeting of all the heads of households.” I mentally crossed my fingers that I was saying the r
ight thing and using the correct terminology. “And he will inform them of our battle plans, so that all of you can prepare for war.” I noticed nodding heads and I breathed a sigh of relief. “But the first step is for us to learn all we can from history about our enemy. If any of you have information, even if you think it is only from fairy tales meant to frighten children, come to the temple and ask for Alanna. She will take you to our historian so that this knowledge can be used. We will educate and arm ourselves because present fears are less than horrible imaginings.” I sent up a silent thanks to Shakespeare for that great line.

  “Remember, good has one enemy—evil. But evil always has two enemies—the good and itself.” That sounded profound and I wished I could remember where I’d heard it, especially when several people cheered in agreement.

  “Now, let us ask Epona’s blessing.” The crowd quieted. I wondered what the heck I should do with my hands, and into my mind flashed a vision of the pot that had started this whole thing. Without conscious thought, I felt my body imitate Rhiannon’s posture that had been captured so eloquently by the strokes of an unknown artist’s brush. My body turned at the waist, so that I faced the sparkling river. My right arm lifted, palm up. I closed my eyes and focused on fragments of a Yeats poem that had been drifting through my mind like an answer to a prayer. My words rang bell clear as I recited the poet’s beautiful verse.

  When day begins to break

  I count my blessings, good and bad,

  Being wakeful for your sake,

  Remembering the covenant we’ve always had,

  What eagle look your face still shows,

  While up from my heart’s root

  So great a sweetness flows

  I shake from head to foot.

  I paused, hoping Yeats wouldn’t mind my tampering with his poem, and hoping this modified classroom would “get it.”

  “May Epona’s blessing follow us daily, like a gentle mother guiding her children to safety. And may she help us to ensure that evil is never truly triumphant.”

  I opened my eyes and lowered my arm. Turning to face the crowd and smiling broadly, I finished with, “Live long and prosper!”