Ukulele Deadly

by Leslie Langtry

  "Um, okay. Thanks." I push through the screen door and turn to face her from the porch. She seems a little less dangerous with a screen door between us. "I'll talk to Dan."

  As I walk quickly to my car, she shouts, "I know he'll come around. I just know it!" And then I hear the door slam shut. I drive away as fast as I can, heading back to Aloha Lagoon.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  When I hit town, I think about my options. Part of me wants to go home and shower for some reason, while the other part wants to go see Dan and get this over with. It's afternoon, and I haven't had any lunch. I opt for the Loco Moco and call Binny to see if she'll meet me there before we head out on our little investigation into the Case of the Mysterious Strip Mall. Okay, so not so much of a title, but after spending time with snake people and Mary Lou, it's the best I can do.

  "Wow," Binny says as she pops another french fry into her mouth. "First of all—it wasn't fair for Dan to send you. Secondly"—she ticks off on her fingers—"it's not right for Mary Lou to demand that you get her a proposal. It's unreal."

  I nod. "Tell me about it. But I've done my part, so after I report to him, my part in this nightmare will be over."

  "I wouldn't be too sure about that," Binny says. "If he flips out and refuses to marry her, she'll blame you."

  "He isn't going to marry her. Number one, he's gay. And number two, he's intelligent. And number three, if he'd wanted to he would've already. They've been working together for years."

  Binny starts laughing. "I guess you could say she really is his 'beard'!"

  I groan. "He probably should've married her years ago. I wonder why he didn't. She seems to think he promised her that."

  Binny nods. "Dan's right about her losing every job she's ever had. Mary Lou was quite famous around here for being so impossible to work with."

  "She had a reputation?"

  "Yup. My mother even talks about the time Mary Lou attempted to be a lunch lady at the school. Apparently she dumped a bowl of tomato soup over the head of a kid from a very important family."

  "What did the kid do to deserve that?" I ask. Not that I think a child should be held responsible for the woman's rage, but I was curious.

  Binny shrugs. "Mama said he just asked for his grilled cheese sandwich to be cut diagonally instead of into two rectangles."

  "Okay, I guess I can kind of see that a little. A demanding rich kid wanting something special over the other kids. But dumping soup over his head seems a bit extreme."

  My best friend laughs. "You don't know who it was, do you?"

  I shake my head. "How could I? I've only lived here less than two years." What a strange thing for her to say!

  "Because you know him."

  "I do? Who was it?" I don't know that many people in Aloha Lagoon.

  "This shouldn't be that hard, Nani." Binny winked. "Think about it."

  Hmmm…a rich kid from an important family. My mind reels as I go through everyone I've ever met here. And then it smacks me in the face.

  "No!" I gasp.

  Binny nods. "That's right."

  You know, it's really creepy how she can read my mind like this.

  "Nick? Was it Nick?"

  "Yup."

  My boyfriend never told me this story. And he's been to the Blue Hawaii to see me perform a few times. In fact, he's even stood in as a witness. But he never told me he so much as knew Mary Lou, let alone was assaulted by her.

  I shake my head. "That doesn't really sound like him. Nick's too nice to have gotten her fired."

  "It wasn't him. In fact, it was only because his mother found out that Mary Lou got fired."

  Oh, I could totally see Perseverance Woodfield storming the school office and demanding the woman who souped her son be dismissed. Could the fact that Mary Lou works there be the reason why Vera wants to get rid of the Blue Hawaii Wedding Chapel? And why didn't Nick tell me about that? Did he keep it from me on purpose? My head is spinning. I take two more bites of my burger and then slump back against the chair.

  "You look tired." Binny gives me a sympathetic frown.

  I nod. "I'm wiped. It's been a long day already."

  I fill her in on the upcoming nuptials of the snake people, and Binny howls with laughter. Somehow she gets me to agree to discreetly film or take pictures of the event.

  "What do you think of Ed?" Binny asks me right out of left field.

  "Ed? From Kansas Ed?" I thought she was interested more in Andy.

  She nods. "I can't figure him out."

  Ah. So that's it. Binny's charms aren't working on the man, so she's wondering why. She tosses her silky, black bobbed hair as if to emphasize the fact. I could swear she does it in slow motion. It's a captivating effect.

  The waitress comes 'round, and we order a couple of sodas and dessert.

  I shrug. "No idea. I've never met the man before. But Andy seems to think he's okay."

  "Does he really know him though? Enough to vouch for him?"

  What is she getting at?

  "No idea. But they're here together in Hawaii."

  My cousin wouldn't do those things if they weren't friends. Right? And it's weird, this whirlwind bromance. But who am I to judge? Sometimes people just click right away. Binny and I did when we first met.

  "I just think this whole thing is strange. Doesn't it seem that way to you?" Binny asks.

  I give up on trying to figure it out. "Why do you think so?"

  Binny leans forward conspiratorially. "Because maybe he's involved in this somehow. We don't know anything about him. And it's kind of weird he'd fly out here immediately after you called. Right?"

  I think about it. "Well, he's a cop whose ID was stolen and used by a stranger halfway around the world. He's just investigating."

  Binny twirls her straw in her soda. "I don't know. He seemed pretty reluctant to send the fingerprints off to his cousin in the state police. And now he won't look into the backgrounds of Titus and Terry."

  "It's probably a breach of etiquette in his field. Like stepping on Detective Ray's toes. He felt awkward doing something like that."

  My best friend waves me off. "They do it all the time in the movies and on TV. I'm not naïve, but there has to be some truth to that kind of thing."

  "Okay…" I say slowly. "But remember that the detective's resources are less than desirable. The coroner is out of state, and they have to wait for one from Oahu to come do the autopsy."

  Binny thinks for a minute.

  "Besides," I add. "Andy truly seems to trust him. And I trust Andy."

  "Andy's nice." She avoids my eyes as she says this. Is that what's happening here? She's hiding behind a fake suspicion of Ed so she can get information on Andy without raising my suspicion?

  "Do you like him?" Since when does Binny like any guy? "I've never known you to like a guy. You haven't had one date in the two years I've known you."

  She rolls her eyes. "That's because the moment I do, Mama will set me up with every available man on Kauai. They will be scheduled for every night I have free."

  I remember how lonely I was before I met Nick. Sure, Mom set us up, but it worked out.

  "What's so bad about dating? I'm sure you don't have to marry them."

  She shakes her head. "Mama wants grandchildren. She really, really wants grandkids."

  I can't help it. I really can't. But the image of redheaded kids with caramel skin and freckles pops into my head. She and Andy would make interesting babies. Unfortunately, a giggle or two might have escaped me.

  "Why are you laughing?" Binny pretends to pout.

  "I'm trying to picture you're gorgeous Polynesian looks blended with Andy's pale, freckled, redheaded features. Your children would be interesting, to say the least."

  She frowns. I don't like it when she does that. Her smile is a huge part of who she is.

  "I just asked about him. I'm not proposing marriage or children. He just sort of interests me."

  My eyebrows go up. "Interests you? You're a na
tive Hawaiian kindergarten teacher who lives in paradise! He's a pasty postmaster from Kansas!"

  The pout returns. "He's funny. And he's a gentleman. What's wrong with that?"

  I open my mouth to speak. Then I close it. She's right. Andy is a sweetheart. A great guy. He's smart, funny, and treats the people around him like royalty. Come to think of it, he dated a lot of girls when we were growing up. But he wasn't a player. He's sincere. In fact, he's exactly the kind of person I'd want Binny to be with.

  "You'd hate Kansas. And he can't stay here forever. He has a good job and is renting out our old farm"

  Binny stares off into space but says nothing, just as the pineapple upside-down cake arrives. We dig in, and I think about what Binny has said. Ed is quiet, and he's not exactly forthcoming with the details of the case. I don't want him to lose his new job in Felix just because we are all badgering him for details. How can we find out more without upsetting him?

  I pull out my cell and send a text. Binny doesn't seem to notice, mainly because the Loco Moco's pineapple upside-down cake is the best thing on Earth, and if she eats all of hers, she might feel entitled to my share.

  The last crumbs disappear as Andy sits down at our table. Binny brightens when she sees him, and he gives her a wink. Oh yeah. The playgirl has it bad.

  "I see you've polished off dessert," Andy says as he points to the empty plate. "Mind if I order something?"

  We shake our heads as he calls the waitress over and orders a huge double burger. You can take the man out of Kansas, but you can't take the Kansas out of the man. And he has tried some of the local cuisine since he arrived in Aloha Lagoon. Oh well. Who am I to judge? It took me months before I could bring myself to order the mahi.

  "So," Andy says as he takes a long drink from a bottle of water. "What's up?"

  "Why isn't Nick with you? Aren't you following Titus?"

  "We're meeting in an hour. How about you two? Any luck in the investigation?"

  "We are going out to do that after lunch." Binny smiles warmly at Andy.

  He shakes his head. "I've just been checking out the resort. It's pretty amazing. I hear they missed you at the luau at lunch…along with hundreds of other people."

  "Sorry. After yesterday I just wasn't up to it."

  "I'll bet the emcee was disappointed." Andy grins. "He probably had a whole new list of names for you."

  I roll my eyes. "I'm sure." At least Mom isn't supplying him with new ones. That's one good thing about her personality change.

  I get a little anxious as I realize I have no idea what Mom is doing right now. Should I be worried? I push these thoughts from my mind. I've got enough to worry about here, and if she's with Vera like she usually is, at least she's with a responsible adult.

  "What's Ed up to?" Binny asks. Subtle.

  "He hasn't been around much this afternoon. In fact, I don't think I've seen him since breakfast."

  "Is that unusual?" I ask. I really don't know what their arrangements are. Do they do everything together or just take in the sights separately?

  Andy shrugs. "Ed's a bit of an introvert. He needs alone time now and then."

  Binny leans in. "So you don't know him very well?"

  "I guess as well as anybody," Andy says. "Guys aren't like that. We give each other space."

  "But you've only known him for a short time…" Binny says. "And now you're in Hawaii together?"

  Andy laughs. "He was coming here anyway, and I wanted to see Aunt Hattie and Nani. We're splitting a suite because it's cheaper than two rooms. Don't read too much into this."

  "How is the police force in Felix?" I decide to change the subject. "I didn't really know we had more than one guy."

  "The sheriff insisted we finally replace the last guy. He got tired of being called into town any time a chicken got loose or a drunk got out of hand at Bub's." He turns to Binny to explain. "Bub's is a tavern. Kind of a Felix fixture since the turn of the century."

  "So now we have a police station," I say.

  He nods. "So now we have a police station. I feel kind of bad for Ed. He came from Kansas City. It's pretty dull in Felix."

  Andy's food comes, and I fill him in on the snake wedding. He almost chokes once or twice. I probably should've waited until he was finished eating.

  "When's the wedding?" Binny asks. "Do they need any witnesses?"

  "Tomorrow. I'll ask if it's okay—but these people seem to like attention. No laughing though. You'll have to take it seriously."

  Binny turns to Andy. "What do you think? Want to be my date?"

  My cousin blushes like only a redhead can. "Yes!"

  "It's at ten in the morning. Binny can pick you up."

  Andy pays the bill, ignoring our protests. It's time for us to go our separate ways to investigate.

  Since the strip mall is so close, Binny and I arrive in seconds. We sit in the car, reading the signs: Mail Your Stuff, Island Insurance, and Aloha Lagoon Insurance.

  "Don't you think it's weird to have two insurance companies in the same building?" I squint at the signs. "There's nothing to say what they insure."

  "My money's on Island Insurance." Binny opens the car door and gets to her feet.

  "How should we do this?" I ask as I do the same. "Good insurance buyer / bad insurance buyer?"

  Binny shrugs. "We'll play it by ear. Then we can come back and get your case out of the trunk to mail to Texas."

  I follow her into the farthest office on our left. A sign on the door says Open, and we enter to find one desk in the middle of an empty room, with a middle-aged man smiling nervously. Maybe Binny was right? There's a door at the back of the room. Other than the front entry, it's the only other exit. I'll have to think of a way to get back there.

  "Aloha," the man says as he stands and holds out a sweaty hand. "Welcome to Island Insurance!"

  Binny sits in one of the chairs opposite the desk, and I join her. I'm still not sure how to proceed. There isn't so much as a poster on the walls. The desk is completely bare except for a blank notepad, a pen, and a phone.

  "My friend here"—Binny points to me—"her recently widowed mother has moved in with her, and she'd like to find out what kind of family plans you have."

  She's so smooth that I actually believe her.

  "I'm Alvin Smoot." The man strikes a serious pose and sits back in his chair so far it flips over. For a moment we just see his feet in the air behind his desk.

  And all I can think is I didn't do it!

  "Are you alright?" Binny jumps to her feet.

  He springs to his feet with an agility I never would've guessed he had. Alvin Smoot isn't obese, but he certainly isn't physically fit either. If I had to categorize him, I'd say "other."

  "Of course!" Sweat is pouring down his forehead, and he turns pale.

  My money is on this guy as the villain behind the murders.

  "I've been meaning to fix that." He turns to me, "So, Miss…um…"

  "Jones," I say too quickly, adopting my mother's maiden name. "Mary Jones."

  "Okay, Miss Jones…" Smoot looks down at his desk and seeing his pen, picks it up. This guy is definitely behaving suspiciously. Binny was right.

  "Can I just say that I'm so grateful you came here and didn't go to Aloha Lagoon Insurance?"

  Binny and I exchange glances.

  "Why is that, Mr. Smoot?" Binny asks casually.

  Suddenly the nervousness disappears, and the man's eyes narrow. "Because Ben Tashumi is a crook! A con man of the highest order!" His voice squeaks on the last word.

  "Why is that?" Binny leans forward like a cat about to pounce on her prey.

  Smoot sputters, his face growing red. "Because he is! I came here to Aloha Lagoon to earn an honest living. The minute I rent this place and put up my sign, that man opens his business on the other end of the strip mall!"

  "How long have you been open?" I ask.

  "Just a month! Can you believe that? He should be arrested! Why, I'll bet his office is really ju
st a front for something illegal!"

  I look at the empty walls. There isn't so much as a filing cabinet in the place, and he's been here a whole month? To me, this place looks like a front for illegal activity.

  "Why is this office so empty?" Binny reads my mind.

  He looks around like he's seeing the room for the very first time. Smoot looks at us and says, "I'm a minimalist."

  "Where did you come here from?" I ask. Smoot is making it too easy.

  "Oahu." Smoot pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and mops his brow. "I was an insurance agent there. Unfortunately, so are hundreds of other people. And I thought, with the murder rate so high in Aloha Lagoon, it made good business sense."

  This guy is definitely a suspicious character. Maybe he's murdering people as a side business to boost his insurance scam? If he isn't, then maybe I could fix him up with Mary Lou once she realizes Pastor Dan isn't going to propose in Laos.

  "How many employees work here?" Binny asks.

  This is going well. Better than I thought, really. It's so easy to interview someone when you're a prospective client.

  Smoot's eyes dart back and forth. "Just me. But I hope to hire a few people soon. And no matter what, I'll always be available to you."

  I wince, imagining the man arriving at my house in the middle of the night wearing only boxers and sweating profusely.

  Smoot starts going through the kinds of policies he carries, and it all seems legit but generic. Life, health, home, car… There's nothing unusual here.

  "Barbara," I say to Binny as I get to my feet. "Could you continue this for me? I'm not feeling so well." I turn to Mr. Smoot. "Do you have a restroom?"

  All color drains from the man's face, as if I asked how many people he's killed with blowfish poison recently.

  "Oh! Um…" Alvin Smoot begins to wring his hands. "I guess it's okay."

  He doesn't seem to want me to go anywhere. It could be because he's worried he's lost a sale or the back room is filled with plans on how to murder the citizens of Aloha Lagoon.

  "Back there." He points at the door. "Sorry for the mess."

  I nod and walk to the door. Binny starts turning on the charm to distract him, and I can hear desk drawers sliding open and shut. I look over my shoulder to see him hand my friend a brochure.