by Scott, Shae
"Little Tommy just ate the goldfish...Go"
"Stop," I laugh, still recovering from his question about what I would do if little Susie ate all of the kid's lunches at recess and then threw up on my shoes.
"I'm just trying to prepare you. This is your shot. You have to be on your A game," he teases.
"Lucky for me you aren't the one interviewing me," I point out laughing.
"Fine. Suit yourself - just don't come crying to me when you get stuck on a question about little Jimmy getting locked in science lab and creating some concoction that blows up the classroom and turns on all of the sprinklers and floods the entire school. If you can carry that on your shoulders then by all means, be my guest." He kisses my forehead and carries the platter of kabobs and chicken out to the grill. I'm still laughing to myself as I continue my chopping for a salad.
My laughter comes so easily these days. I've missed it being a part of my life. And it takes so little for him to bring it out of me, to make me smile.
Falling in love with Cole the second time is like falling off a cliff and realizing that you know how to fly. It's freeing. It's as if allowing myself to love again...to love him again, gave me the strength to be me. It sounds cheesy. It even feels cheesy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Maybe because it's the second time around, or because I'm coming from such a broken place, but I appreciate every moment. Every small gesture feels important. My heart feels full. Sometimes it feels so full that I can barely take a deep breath.
Sometimes the guilt still seeps in and when it does it feels like it's trying to choke the life out of me. The new life I'm trying so hard to create. But when it happens, Cole is there. He's there to sooth my doubt and remind me that I'm alive. I lived far too long only existing. I refuse to let anything send me there again. I'm going to live each day moving forward. With Cole each one of those days feels better than the one before it.
This is what happiness feels like.
"Babe, can you open the door? My hands are full." Cole's voice calls out from the back deck breaking me out of my thoughts. He's been out there grilling while I've been chopping. I grab a towel and wipe my hands as I hurry to the screen door where Cole is waiting with a platter of food that would feed an army.
"Dear Lord, how much did you make? It's just the two of us," I laugh as he moves past me, stopping to kiss my forehead as he does.
"I'm hungry. Plus, this way we have choices." He shrugs as he moves to put the platter down on the counter. "Now, come here." He turns to face me, holding out his hand to me.
"What do you want?" I ask.
"You," he smiles.
"You already have me," I smile moving into his arms.
"Today?" he asks.
"And tomorrow," I offer.
"After that?"
"Only for always," I smile.
"Always works," he agrees as he bends to kiss me softly.
Shit. We are gross.
I kind of love it.
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer, urging him to deepen the kiss. The connection between us grows stronger each day, with every kiss, with every confession. I get lost in him so easily. It's effortless. A groan escapes from deep in his throat as he pulls me against his body. Every hard muscle has me nearly panting with need.
"So, when you say you're hungry..." I say as his mouth runs a sultry path up my throat. I feel him smile against my skin and before I can say another word, I'm being lifted into the air and carried up the stairs in his very capable hands. I sure hope I turned the stove off.
It's moments like these, when I'm sitting across the counter from Cole, his hair mussed, wearing nothing but his worn jeans, unbuttoned and us eating cold, forgotten dinner when I feel myself fall even deeper in love with him. It's the ease that he's given my life, the way he turns an ordinary day into a moment that will become a sacred memory. It's the way he appreciates me. Appreciates our time together and every misstep that brought us here. It's these moments where I realize that he's brought me back to life. He's breathed hope straight into my veins and given me permission to deserve it. In my eyes that's a pretty great gift. Especially for a girl who'd all but given up and had convinced herself that past choices couldn't be atoned for. Without Cole I would have spent my life living in my regrets instead of living past them.
It takes him calling my name, as he pauses before taking a bite of chicken, to make me realize I'm staring at him. I smile and shake myself clear of my romantic daydreams. "Sorry. I went loopy," I say, using the word he's taken to describe my habit of day drooling over him.
"I like it when you get loopy," he admits.
"You like it because it feeds into your ego," I laugh.
"It's not your fault. I didn't really give you a choice but to fall loopy," he feigns a concerned look, but his smile overtakes him as he continues to eat his dinner. "You know, I think this food is actually better now that it sat here and got cold waiting on us."
I laugh, "We'll have to remember that," I agree, everything tastes better in the post coital bliss.
The kitchen is dark with only the light over the stove and the moonlight flooding in through the windows, but I don't think either of us mind. When I first moved into this house the kitchen was my favorite spot in the house. The yellow on the walls made me feel brighter. Thinking about it now I realize just how many moments this kitchen has given me. I think I fell in love in this kitchen. I go loopy again and it makes Cole chuckle. I don't care though. Let him own every single moment I lose my focus. It all belongs to him and he knows it.
I'm cleaning up our mess, soaking the dishes that were neglected in our pre-dinner romp, when Cole sneaks up behind me.
"Dance with me," he says, his voice smooth against my ear. I drop the rag into the sudsy water and turn in his arms.
"You wanna dance with me in the kitchen?" I ask quietly.
He nods. "In the moonlight."
I don't even bother drying my hands before slipping them around his neck, letting him pull me closer to him.
"You're supposed to be helping me dry," I point out.
"They'll still be there. I'd rather spend this moment holding you in my arms though."
I melt against him, willing to do just about anything he asks.
He begins to sway, moving me with him and the fact that there is no music is just a detail neither of us can be bothered with.
"Where did you go anyway?" I ask since he had curiously disappeared when I started cleaning up.
"It's a surprise. Nothing you need to worry about. Now be quiet and dance with me," he teases.
And so I do. With sudsy fingers. In the moonlight. With no music.
It's the best dance of my life.
It's only later after we've crawled into bed that my surprise is revealed. Journey purrs in my lap and I stifle a yawn. My eyelids are heavy and the soft vibration of the kitten is lulling me to sleep while we wait for Cole to finish brushing his teeth and join us. He's taking too long so I lie back and snuggle into my pillow. Journey wastes no time snuggling in beside me, happy to claim his spot before Cole can.
My eyes are closed when I feel the dip in the mattress and Cole slides in next to me. I'm only half awake as he pulls me to him. Journey grumbles and moves to the pillow above my head, annoyed that he's been forced to move. "Babe, don't fall asleep yet, I have to show you your surprise," I hear him say quietly.
"You can surprise me tomorrow," I offer.
"No, now. Just open your eyes for me," he says.
Slowly I peer out of one heavy eye. The room is dark and it takes me a moment to understand what he means. I open both eyes and as I look up to see my ceiling covered with tiny glow in the dark stars.
"What in the world?" I ask surprised, but more awake now.
"This way we can look at the stars every night. Even when it gets cold and rainy you can have your favorite things." I stare up at the tiny dots of light and feel my heart squeeze at the sentiment.
"Cole - Yo
u're my favorite thing," I say.
"Then I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
Emery
TODAY IS A BIG DAY. I haven’t felt this excited about something in forever. I’m a mess of nerves and anticipation as I grab my iced coffee and sit down at the tiny table near the window of the coffee shop. I'm so excited about my meeting with principal Moore that I can hardly sit still. This coffee will probably send me over the edge. I feel like today is the day I've been waiting for. I feel good. I feel happy. I feel alive. These past few months have brought me back to myself. They've reminded me of who I am and who I was meant to be.
I have my dad back. I have my friends. And I have Cole. All of the pieces that I thought were lost forever are back in place and they all feel stronger than ever. And after today I could very well have a teaching contract. It's as if everything has finally fallen into place.
I’m not completely free of the guilt. Gabe can still send me into a tailspin if I let him. He’s still a defining part of my story and I may always have trouble finding where he fits. No matter what he did or how our life ended up, he was still my husband. I still mourn his death, even if it did bring me back to life. It's morbid and if I think about it too much I'll go crazy. I choose to look forward instead of looking back. That chapter of my life is over.
Today is a new day.
I'm sipping my drink and watching people walk by on the sidewalk when someone sits down at my table. I glance up, surprised to see Aubrey in the chair opposite me.
"I hope you don't mind me stopping to say hi," she smiles sweetly.
"Not at all. How are you?" Even Cole’s beautiful ex can’t bring me down today.
"Good, thank you. I hear through the grapevine that you are planning on staying in Darling permanently. I wasn't sure if you would, but I'm glad you are. I'm sure Cole is too.” I can’t help but smile even though I know none of her words are sincere. I take another drink and remember how I woke up this morning with his cheeks against my thighs. The memory nearly makes me miss the fact that Aubrey is still rattling on. “Obviously, I mean it's not every day you give up a great job to be with your brand new girl, ya know?" She smiles sweetly, but her eyes hold a wicked gleam. I can’t help it, her words make me pause and sit up a little straighter.
"A job?" I ask. I don't want to give in to her game, but I am curious.
"In Colorado. Leading a crew up there for some big expansion project. He says it's a dream job. It was all that he talked about months ago when the possibility opened up, But I guess things have changed since he turned it down last week." Aubrey sips her coffee and waits for me to react. When I don't say anything, she continues.
"You didn't know about Colorado?" she asks, like she cares at all. It’s obvious she knows I didn’t know. The look on my face would tell her that.
"No," I admit.
"Oh, well I'm sure there's a reason he kept it quiet. Probably didn't want to worry you. It does surprise me though, that he decided not to go. It was such a huge opportunity," she says. Her gaze drifts to the window and I'm glad because my head is spinning.
Colorado? Why am I just now hearing about this? And what does it mean?"
"I hope I didn’t upset you. I just assumed you knew. After all, I'm pretty sure he decided to stay because of you." I don't miss the slight scowl that turns her smile sour. I school my features to hide my chaotic emotions. I want her to leave.
"I'm not upset. I am, however, late for a meeting. So you'll have to excuse me. It was great to see you again, Aubrey. I'll be sure to give Cole your best." I walk away before she can say anything else.
I still have half an hour before I'm set to meet with principal Moore, but I can't sit here any longer. I need to walk. I need to clear my head so that I can nail this interview. I'll deal with Cole and Colorado later.
Somehow I manage to speak intelligently in my meeting. I push all things Cole out of my head and focus in on my goal. To teach. Now that I've decided I want to pursue it, the idea of having to wait an entire year seems like torture. This meeting is my shot to swoop in and make it happen now. I want it bad. And I haven't wanted anything like this in a very long time. It feels like a second chance. A way to set right so many wrongs. It's a chance to take back something I'd so carelessly given up and it feels important.
I let that fire and determination carry me through and I hope that Principal Moore can see just how much I want it. We talk for over an hour and I leave his office feeling very hopeful. I can't wait to call Cole and tell him. I grab my phone as I start the walk back to the coffee shop where I left my car. But just as I'm about to hit send I realize that I'm not sure what to say to him. I want to tell him about my meeting, but I also want to ask him about what Aubrey said. And I'm not sure that asking is the right thing to do. I need to think it through before I start bombarding him with questions. I need to figure out what it is that I want him to say.
My mind is a mess as the focus of my interview fades and is replaced with everything I Aubrey told me. It's a pendulum between fear of him leaving and what it means if he stays. The peace of the past few weeks feels like it's about to slip through my fingers and I fight the slight panic that takes its place.
I can't stop thinking about my conversation with Aubrey. It's haunting me. I know I should just ask Cole about it, but I'm afraid he'll dismiss it. I'm not sure which answer I'm looking for. I don't want him to go. Rather, I don't want to be without him. At the same time, I know he can't stay for me and that's what is really worrying me. That he would. Or that I'd be tempted to ask him to.
It has my stomach in knots. I don't even know if I can trust Aubrey. It's obvious that she still has feelings for Cole and there is a chance that she is simply trying to cause problems. I can't just take what she says as truth.
But I do know someone who can tell me. Someone I can trust to give me the answers that I need. My dad. So I drive to the house, trying my best to find the strength to hear whatever he has to say. I refuse to hide from truths that scare me. Not anymore. If I've learned anything through this whole thing it's that you can't run from things because they have the potential to destroy you. Pretending doesn't make them go away, it just makes them harder to recover from later.
Dad is sitting in the kitchen when I arrive. It's the way I always picture him, sitting at the table, reading the paper and drinking coffee.
"It's almost seven, Daddy. You'll be up all night," I say kissing him on the cheek before sitting down.
He gives me a grunt. "It's decaf," he lies.
"Sure it is," I smile.
"I didn't know you were coming by. It's a nice surprise. I like having you around to drop in and check on me," he smiles. I feel the tug at my heart, but it's more fondness than guilt these days. Which is a nice change.
"Me too," I admit. He thumbs through the pages of his paper and slides over the section with the comics. I smile at the old tradition from when I was young. Nana loved the comics the best. I'm not sure she read anything else in the paper. Sundays were best. I'd crawl up in her lap and we'd read them all together.
"So what's on your mind, Peanut?" he asks.
"Can't I just come by and visit?" I ask, my gaze locked in on today's Family Circle.
"You can, but you have on your worried look so I'm guessing there is more to it than that."
"Did you know that Cole was offered a job in Colorado?" I ask. Might as well just rip the Band-Aid off and get the answer I came for.
Dad looks up from his paper and studies me. I try to keep my face from giving away how defining his answer is. "He told you about Colorado?" He seems surprised.
"So it's true?" I ask.
"What's going on Emery?" he asks.
I let out the breath I'd been holding. "I ran into Aubrey at the coffee shop today and she mentioned that Cole had given up some great job in Colorado to stay here and how surprised she was. He never mentioned it to me and he's so close to you I thought she was probably lying," I say slowly and even I can hear the hope i
n my voice.
"There is a job in Colorado. I set it up for him actually. I thought it would be good for him to get some leadership under his belt. I’ve always planned on him taking over, so I want him to be prepared. I figured he'd come back eventually."
I sit back in my chair, surprised. Anxiety begins to twist its way through my stomach. "You got him the job in Colorado?"
"Well, yeah. That boy wasn't going to leave me on his own. He's loyal to a fault," Dad says. His words slam into me with their truth. Cole is loyal. Beyond loyal. Not only to my father, but to me.
"Why hasn't he told me?" I ask.
Dad shrugs, "He told me he was going to stay."
"Did he say why?"
"Just that he has more important things here," Dad says. I feel my eyes begin to sting as I realize that everything Aubrey said was true. I'm holding him back. He's staying and putting his whole life on hold because he thinks he needs to take care of me. It's not fair.
"Do you think he should have gone?" I ask. Dad's eyes soften and I know that he sees straight through me. He doesn't want to hurt me with his answer, but I also know my dad well enough to know that he won't lie to me.
"Emmy- It's not my place to say what a man deems important. Those are Cole's choices to make. If he has something important here, then I have to agree that's it is pretty damn important." He gives me a soft smile, telling me that he knows what's going on with Cole and me. Even though I never actually told him. "Now, if you're asking me if I think it would have been a great career move then I'd tell you yes. It was a big opportunity. But like I said, it was his choice and I respect him for making it."
I sit in silence for a moment, my mind racing. "I can't let him give up something he wants just to stay here and take care of me," I say quietly.
He reaches across the table and takes my hand into his, "Emery, that boy loves you. He always has. I can't blame him for wanting to stay. Hell, as your father, it thrills me to see somebody loving you like that. The way I loved your mother. So I can't fault him for putting you first."
