by Scott, Shae
"I wish he had told me about it,” I say.
"He probably didn't want to worry you," Dad says.
"But I am worried. I'm worried that if he doesn't go he'll regret it. I don't want to be the cause of any of his regrets," I admit quietly.
"Emery, I don't think that boy could ever regret anything when it comes to you. Except maybe letting you go."
I want to believe him. I want to believe that he could stay here and we could just continue on like we are and not worry about what opportunities we are leaving behind. But I've been down that road before and I know how it ends and I can't do that to Cole and I can't do it to us.
As much as I hate it I know I'm going to have to talk to him about this. What's more, I'm going to have to convince him to go. I'm going to have to make him leave me.
MY HEARTBEATS SEEM to stutter as I sit on the back deck and wait for the familiar sound of Cole's truck. It's like it knows that as soon as he leaves it will no longer want to beat. We're both preparing for the worst. The inevitable.
I should have known -- things never go the way of the fairytale. Not everything gets wrapped up in a convenient bow. No, real life is a sneaky bitch and she's always quick to shut you down.
This will be the second time I tell someone I love goodbye. The second time that Cole and I will walk away still in love. How did I survive it the first time?
The truth is I didn't survive it well. Instead, I ended up with someone who treated me badly and I lost myself in the process.
There is no easy answer.
The rumble of his engine makes my stomach flip.
I hear him come through the house behind me and I take a deep breath and move to go back inside.
"Hey, baby," he smiles as he meets me at the back door. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me soft and slow, the kind of kiss that pulls me under and makes me forget about everything except the way he makes me feel.
Only this time one single thought pierces my bliss - the heartbreaking reality that this may be our last kiss. The last time I feel his mouth against mine. The last time he makes me feel this free. Tears prick my eyes and I can't help but hold him closer, just for a moment as I try to memorize every single detail. The way his hand caresses the back of my head, the way his hard body feels pressed against mine, the way his tongue tastes like the mints he carries in his truck. Every piece of Cole that makes me love him beyond words and reason. Everything that is him.
"Hey, you okay?" he asks me as he pulls back and looks to my eyes, glassy with unshed tears.
I nod, but it's not convincing. I can't find my words just yet. I don't want to say them. I don't know how to mean them.
His brow furrows with worry and I'm certain that I'm going to mess this up. I'm going to start crying and I'm going to say all the wrong things. Do I push him away? Do I lie and tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? Or do I simply tell him the truth? Confess everything that I'm feeling, everything that worries me about him giving up this job and why I can't let him walk away from it? What's going to make him go? What's going to make him understand?
I know I have to go with the truth. It's my only option. We're past the lies. That's never been us and now more than ever I owe him honesty.
I let him take my hand and lead me back inside. He doesn't say anything, but he grabs me a bottle of water from the fridge and hands it to me. He can read me like a book and I know that he's resigned to wait until I tell him whatever is on my mind.
I stare at him as I sip my water before taking in a deep breath.
"I'm in a good place now," I say softly. He studies me, trying to figure out where I'm going with this. I can tell from his posture that he knows this is big, but he can't quite figure out what has happened to upset me. He nods, but doesn't respond.
"You've taken care of me and helped me heal a lot of the pain I was holding on to. I couldn't have done it if you hadn't been here pushing me," I admit. I've told him this countless times before. Hell, I probably sound like a broken record at this point.
"I would walk every journey beside you," he says cautiously.
I smile, watching him as he leans against the counter across from me, ready to spring into action at any point.
"I know you would. But you don't have to," I say.
This causes a deep frown to take over his strong features and he stands up straighter.
"What I mean is," I say quickly, "You don't have to try so hard to take care of me anymore. I'm stronger. I'm not going to fall apart. Not like before."
He relaxes a little. "I know that. I've always known that. Hell, you never needed me - you're stronger than you ever believed." His smile is so perfect. Everything about him is perfect.
"Maybe. But you make it easier," I admit.
"What's going on, Em? I can see you struggling with something. Talk to me."
His gentle questions sting my eyes again and this time he moves to pull me into his arms. I go freely, still lost to all of the things I want to say. My voice comes out muffled against his chest as I say, "I don't want to be the thing that holds you back. I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me."
He pulls back and looks down at me, his face softening. I know he's going to try and soothe my doubts. He's the most patient man I've ever met and he has enough faith for both of us. I wish I could believe the way he does. I try. But sometimes it's hard. I wish I could just accept that it will all fall into place and work itself out because we want it to. Because we love each other. But it doesn't work that way. Life is too messy to work out the way that it should. I know he's different. That we are different. The exact opposite of what I had with Gabe. But that doubt still creeps in. Especially when I think about what could happen if I let him give up on something important to him. The way I did.
"I'm under no obligation here. I don't feel like I have to do anything. I want to take care of you. You don't hold me back; you make me better. Why are you stressing? I love you. I'm not going anywhere," he says running his thumb across my cheek. I love the way his touch feels. The warmth of his fingers send electricity through my body. The roughness of his skin comforts me and makes me feel protected and safe. I close my eyes knowing that if he goes like he should I'll miss this feeling more than anything else. The way he sets me on fire and calms every storm. The way he overwhelms my senses and puts me at peace all in the same moment.
"Love doesn't let you walk away from your dreams. Love doesn't stop you from going after what you've always wanted. Trust me, I know better than anyone."
He pulls his hands back and gives me that confused look again.
"I know about Colorado," I say softly. I watch as a string of emotions flash across his face. Confusion. Surprise. Regret. Frustration.
"Is that what this is about?" he asks, his voice quiet.
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I ask
He takes a deep breath before answering me. "Because it wasn't a thing. I decided not to go, so it didn't really matter." He seems so sure in his answer even as I search his eyes for regret or obligation. I can’t find any.
"It's a great opportunity," I point out.
He simply shrugs, "For somebody else. Not for me."
"If I hadn't come back home, if I were still gone would you have taken the job?" I ask him.
He doesn't want to answer me. I can tell. But I also know that he won't lie to me.
"But you are here," he says instead of answering me.
"Would you have taken the job?" I ask again. I can't help but think about how Aubrey had said he was excited to go. It echoes in my mind along with everything that Dad confirmed.
His jaw clenches, but he finally answers, "Probably."
"You can't stay here to look after me. I think you should go."
"I don't want to go to Colorado," he says simply, his voice firm.
"You did. You were excited about it before me," I challenge. My voice is shaking slightly and I hate it because I need to be strong so that he believes me when I
tell him it's okay for him to go.
"Right. Before you. Things change. The things that matter change, Emery. Colorado isn't what I want anymore."
"But later -- What happens later when you look back and realize what you gave up? I can't take this away from you. I won't be the person to take away who you are." There, I've said it. It feels good to say the words, to finally let the truth out. The growing guilt of knowing that I was holding him back, that I was doing to him what Gabe had done to me.
"I'm never going to regret us," he says simply.
"I said that once," I reply, but my voice is soft and I'm not sure I even meant for him to hear me.
"Don't." His voice is low and demanding. My eyes lift to find his and I see hurt and anger swirling there in the dark brown pools of his eyes. "Don't you dare compare this to him. Not again. That isn't what's happening here."
"Isn't it?" I ask, daring him to admit the truth. Because I can't help it, it feels the same. Only this time I'm on the other side and while he thinks he can live with giving up something that was important to him, I'm not so sure that I can live with letting him.
Cole runs his hands through his hair, shaking his head in frustration. "We are nothing like that. Don't push me away. Don't bring the past into this. Not when we've come so far. I mean it, James."
"I'm just so afraid that if you don't go you'll look back later and wish that you had. That you'll resent me for not being strong enough to let you go. For holding you back. Then where will we be? What if we don't survive that kind of thing? I've been through this before. I know what happens." I know my fears are getting the best of me, but my heart tells me it's the right call.
He grunts, "Then you don't know me," he says, nostrils flaring with growing frustration. "It's my choice. I choose what makes me happy. I choose, Emery. I choose you. I choose us. Do you get that? That's the difference. I choose us because you make me happy. Did he make you happy, Emery? Did he ever once make you happy?"
I flinch at the harshness of his question, but respond anyway. "I thought he did. And I made that same choice. I wish someone had stopped me from making it." I jump as his fist slams against the counter and I grip the edge tightly, holding on to my resolve.
"Damn it, Emery, are you even listening to yourself? Wake up! For the love of God stop comparing what we have to your marriage. Stop comparing yourself to Gabe. This," he says, waving his finger between us, 'has nothing to do with that. Nothing."
"Maybe not. But it's how I feel, Cole. Regardless, I won't stand in your way."
"Well, I'll sure as hell stand in yours. So stop pushing."
I smile in spite of myself, because he means it. This man is genuine and honest and he is everything that I could want. He's everything I'm not ready for.
Not yet.
If I give in now and let him stay, will I always be waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Before I can respond he moves in close and takes my face in his hands, running his thumbs across my cheeks, picking up the tears that have escaped their stubborn hold.
"I don't want Colorado, Emery. I want you. I want us." His voice is so sincere that it breaks me in two. I want to believe him. I do believe him. I believe that he believes the words. Because I believed them when I said them to Gabe. I also know that it was the moment I started losing myself.
"I need you to go," I say softly, my voice cracking on the words. They hurt. They feel like they are wrapped in shrapnel.
"Emery," he begs, closing his eyes and pulling me to him. His strong arms wrap around me and he pulls me in so close that I swear he's trying to meld us together so that he is part of me. He already is. He always will be.
"It's not just about you, Cole. I need to know that I can make it on my own. I've let you hold me together. If we're ever going to make this work in the long run, I have to learn to do it on my own. It's important for me."
I hear his breath catch and his hold on me tightens to the point where I have to fight to take a deep breath. But the strength of his embrace holds me together.
"Em --." His voice sounds strained and I know it's because he feels the fight fading from his argument. He would never leave for him, but I know he'll leave for me. If it's what I think I need. He’s done it before. I can feel his heart break against my chest. The pieces of my own fall with his, scattered together at our feet.
I push my point further.
"I've spent my whole life letting other people take care of me. I've put my happiness in everyone else's hands. I have to take that power back. I have to do it for me. It's not that I don't love you, Cole. Because I do. You are the best thing in my world. But I have to find me. And I have to find the me that is independent of everything else. And you have to go after the things that make you who you are. After that, we'll find our way back together again. We'll be stronger because of it," I say, my face still shoved against the hard warmth of his chest. He pulls me tighter and I feel his ragged breaths as he listens to my declaration.
"If I walk away from you we may never find our way back. Who gets a third chance?" he asks. His voice is just a raspy whisper and the pain that fills it cuts me deeply.
"If we don't walk away we'll never survive this one," I say.
"I can't do it," he says.
"You will," I choke out.
Cole
AFTER COUNTLESS CONVERSATIONS with Emery I took the job in Colorado. I accepted the offer with lead in my gut. A man will do a lot of things for the woman he loves . . .even walk away because she thinks it's what she needs.
And maybe she does. After hours of talking and rehashing the same argument, I finally saw her point. I understood where she was coming from and while I still thought the idea of leaving her behind was the worst decision for me, I did it anyway because she felt like she needed it.
Maybe it's part of the healing. I don't know, but leaving Oklahoma and leaving Emery behind still feels wrong. I've packed three big suitcases but not much else. I may be going to Colorado, but I don't plan on staying long.
It was the look in her eyes that last night that made me decide to go. It was fear. And it took me a while to realize that it was the fear of losing us. I could tell her all day long that she had nothing to worry about, that I was committed to her and that I wanted to be here with her, but her past let too much doubt in for her to believe me. I think she feels like she has to earn it. I hate Gabe for giving her that kind of fear and doubt.
She gave up everything when she was with Gabe and she doesn't want me making those same hard choices. I get it, but I don't like it.
She needs me to go. So I will. But like I said, I'm not staying. I'll give her the time she needs and when I come back she'll know that I've given it all that I had and the choice is mine. She’ll know that she is my choice – the only choice that will make me happy.
The knock at the door surprises me. I zip up the final bag and move to open the door. My heart begs to see Emery on the other side, but I know better. I know her well enough to know that she'll stick by her decision. She's not going to tempt either of us by forcing another painful goodbye. Because when it comes down to it, as much as she needs me to go, she wants me to stay.
"Henry." The familiar face of the man who has become a second father to me stands there looking solemn.
"Hey, son. Can I come in?" he asks. He's not here as my boss or even my friend. He's here as Emery's dad.
"Sure thing."
"Ready to go?" he asks, taking in the pile of bags.
"Yeah. I head out in the morning."
He nods, "It will be a good opportunity for you."
I grunt in response. I know he's right, but I can't bring myself to be excited about it.
"I know you want to stay. Judging from your bags I'm going to guess you don't plan on making it permanent."
"Henry, it was never going to be a permanent job anyway. This is my home. Especially now." I let my words settle between us. He knows how I feel about his daughter; I need him to know I'm serious about it.
I'm not leaving her. Not for long.
"Right. No, I get it. How are you doing? With the leaving?" he asks.
"I don't want to leave her," I say, holding his gaze.
"I know."
I sigh, now that I've said the words out loud I'm ready to let it all out. Ready to pour my heart out to the only other man who loves Emery as much as I do. "It's the hardest thing I've ever done, agreeing to leave her like this. She refused to listen to me. She's so worried that I'm going to regret not going. I'm only doing it to prove her wrong."
"She's been through a lot, Cole. You know that as well as I do. She came back here a different girl. A broken girl. I was worried I'd never see that old light in her eyes again. When I went to Connecticut after what happened it broke my heart. She was so defeated, so lost. As a father I was completely helpless. I didn’t know how to help her. I hoped that bringing her home would help her find her way back somehow, but it wasn't until she started hanging out with you again that she even started to heal. I can't thank you enough for that. I feel like I'm getting my little girl back.
"I know you don't want to leave her. I see how much love you have for her. I feel it. But here's the thing, Cole, she still has a lot of healing to do and maybe if she does some of that on her own you'll find that you are stronger for it in the long run. She needs to find a way to be strong on her own."
He's right. I know he is. But I want to be the one to heal her. I want to be there when she breaks. I want to be the one who helps put her back together. Maybe that's selfish, but I want to be selfish with her. After all of this time don't we deserve a chance to be selfish?
"I do love her, Henry," I say.
"You always have," he points out.
"I'm going because she needs it. I don't like it, but I get it. Take care of her. When I get back I'm not leaving her ever again."
"You know I will. Hopefully you have find a different girl here when you get back."
"I love the current version just as much."
"I couldn't ask for anything more. You are family to me, Cole. She loves you. I have no doubt that you'll make it through this and be stronger on the other side."
