Lily Love

by Maggi Myers

  I squeeze his hand and scoot closer to him on the couch. “I don’t know what it feels like to lose a parent the way you did, but I know a little about the emptiness of feeling lost.” I pause for a moment, hoping I’m not overstepping by sharing. He may not be in a place where he wants his mourning compared to anything else, and I want to be respectful of that.

  When he looks at me with curiosity, I take it as a sign to continue. “The day I found out that Lily had a developmental disability, I was completely blindsided. I’d taken her in for a speech evaluation, never expecting it would turn out the way it did. I felt like my whole future had been ripped away from me and replaced with someone else’s life. I felt completely lost in my sadness, and I was certain no one could possibly understand how that felt. I shut down and pushed everyone out of my life. I guess my point is, I know how easy it is to disappear inside your grief.”

  “I’m sorry you went through that alone,” he replies.

  “I didn’t have to,” I say. “And neither do you.” I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Redemption comes in the most unlikely places. I spent years telling myself that it would be too hard to let Peter see inside my anguish, so I pushed him away. It’s humbling to see that just holding Tate’s hand can connect me to his loss. It’s beautiful in its simplicity.

  “I love you, Caroline.” The words come out in a whisper, making me doubt that I’ve heard them correctly. I lift my head to find Tate watching me through tear-filled eyes. “You remind me there’s still beauty in this world. During the most painful time in my life, you’ve shown me more love than I knew possible.”

  My heart pounds frantically against my ribs at Tate’s confession.

  “I love you, too,” I reply. The smile that spreads across his face makes me want to weep for what I have to say next. “But we have to take a step back, Tate.”

  “W-what?” he stammers. “I don’t understand.”

  “There are so many things all happening at the same time, and I don’t want to screw this up,” I explain. “You need to be there for Tarryn right now, and I need to focus on working on this new transition with Lily. I’m not saying we shouldn’t see each other; I’m just saying we should slow down, and make room for all of these changes instead of steamrolling our way through them.”

  His brows pinch together as he thinks about what I’m saying. He looks so conflicted I almost backpedal. “I don’t like the thought of stepping back, but you’re right,” he says.

  “You need this time with your sister to grieve,” I say.

  “Kindergarten is going to be a huge leap, for you and Lily,” he replies.

  “That’s not the only transition I need to prepare her for,” I say. “I want her to be ready to meet you.” I smile when I say it, because I’m not afraid anymore.

  If I needed confirmation, the dimples would’ve done it. They wink at me through his beaming smile. “I’m looking forward to spending a lot of time with both of you,” he says.

  “I want that, too.” I squeeze his hand and lock my eyes with his. “Stepping back doesn’t mean pulling away.”

  “I know.” He smiles at me. “We’re kismet, right?”

  “Exactly.” I grin back at him. No matter what happens, I know it will be okay.

  head full of doubt

  The next few weeks go by much faster than I expected them to, and before I know it my baby is about to begin kindergarten. Peter and I have met with Lily’s team and have written an IEP—an Individualized Education Plan—supporting her inside a mainstream classroom. Twice a week for the last few, we’ve spent time in the classroom, getting her used to a new environment.

  Everything is ready to go, but my nerves are keeping me from getting any sleep. Ignoring the time on the clock, I roll over and reach for my phone on the nightstand.

  “Hello?” A very groggy Paige answers on the third ring.

  “What if other children make fun of her, Paige?”

  “Caroline,” she yawns. “The teachers have already made plans to talk to the class about Lily. No one is going to allow her to be left out in any way.”

  “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

  “What’s the matter, sis? Can’t sleep?”

  “No, I can’t. My mind won’t quiet down long enough for me to fall asleep.” I sigh.

  “Well, I know you’re worried about Lily, but is there something else you need to talk about? Have you spoken to Tate lately?” she asks carefully.

  Of course I’ve talked to Tate. I talk to him every day.

  “Yes, I’ve talked to him,” I say. “I just miss him.” I’ve seen him a handful of times over the last few weeks. With Tate settling his mother’s estate, and me getting Lily ready for kindergarten, it feels like forever. Despite that, we’re doing well. We haven’t been able to see each other as much, so we’ve relied heavily on talking on the phone. It’s a mixed blessing, because while I miss him, we’ve gotten very good at communicating. Just one more week and I’ll be introducing them. I can’t wait to move forward. This step back has been good for us all, but I’m ready to get on with life.

  “Well, you get to see him tomorrow, right?” she asks.

  That’s the real reason for my insomnia. Tomorrow I go to the hospital to get my cast off, finally. While I’m there, Peter is going to drop off Lily at speech therapy and meet me and Tate in the cafeteria. My stomach pitches nervously at the thought. A year ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d be introducing Peter to a man who could become such a big part of Lily’s life. Still, it’s only right that he meets Tate first and gets comfortable with him before Lily does.

  “Yep, tomorrow’s the big day. I get my cast off and I’m introducing my ex-husband to my boyfriend,” I reply.

  “Just another day for you, then?” She laughs softly.

  “Oh, yeah. A day in the life for me.” I sigh. “I’m not afraid as much as I’m nervous. I want to get it over with, ya know?”

  “Kiddo, I can only imagine,” she responds. “I’m proud of you. You’ve grown so much, and I’m so glad that you found someone who appreciates what you’ve been through.”

  “Tate is pretty magnificent,” I say, “but I’m lucky, too.”

  “Yes, you both are. Now, don’t sweat tomorrow. It’ll be over before you know it.”

  Paige is right; it’ll be fine. I just needed to hear someone else say it. Peter wants me to be happy, and we both want Lily to thrive. Tate is going to be a part of the picture, so we’ve got to be able to get along. We’re all in complete agreement on that.

  “It means the world to me to have your support, Paige,” I tell her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “I know; who would you call at one a.m.?” she teases. “Seriously, I’m here for you and I’m on your side. Always.”

  “I love you, Paige.”

  “I love you, too,” she replies. “You gonna be okay?”

  “I’m going to use some of this mental energy and go write for a little while. Maybe getting it out of my head and on paper will help.”

  “Wow, Caro, you’ve been writing nonstop. How far in are you?”

  “I’m about twenty-five thousand words into the story; maybe a third of the way done.”

  Hearing myself say it out loud suddenly makes my little writing project very big and very real. I never intended to write a book; I just wanted to write my story. After the first ten thousand words, I realized what a great novel it would make. At first, words and emotions flew out of my head and into the computer quicker than I could keep up with them. Once I hit my stride, watching it all unfold on paper made me realize just how far I’d come. I’m proud of myself for seeing this through, and I hope I find the courage to let someone read it.

  “Have you decided on a name?” Paige asks. I pause for a moment, both scared and excited to tell her what I’ve come up with. The title was as important as the body of the story.

  “Lily Love,” I reply.

  In a year, the title has come to me
an several different things to me. In the beginning, it illustrated the journey of learning to separate Lily from her disability and love her just as she is. When Tate gave me his landscape portrait named Lily Love, it began to symbolize hope and second chances. Now it’s the embodiment of my greatest desire and worst fear: whether Tate can accept the breadth of her needs, and fall for my little Lily Love.

  “It’s perfect,” Paige responds.

  “I think so, too,” I say. “Good night, Paigey.”

  “Night, Caro.”

  our story

  The need to purge my thoughts into my manuscript was bigger than I’d realized. I sat for hours shaping all of the emotions clogging my head into more chapters, and somewhere just before dawn, I finally fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. While the writing part was cathartic, the abbreviated sleep not so much. I nodded off for a few minutes in the exam room waiting for Dr. Haren, but it wasn’t enough to shake my fatigue.

  Now I’m tired and nervous, a combination that’s allowed my fears to reach new heights. After all, life with Lily is impossible to capture with words. It’s something you have to experience firsthand in order to really understand. I know that’s the biggest concern that Peter has about anyone I date, as well. There’s no way that either of us could truly prepare Tate beforehand. What if he gets a taste and decides he can’t handle it? I’d move on, but I’d never get over it. That’s what scares me the most. If Tate can’t accept Lily, my heart will be irrevocably broken.

  The aroma of roasted espresso beans greets me like a long-lost friend as I step inside the cafeteria. There’s no sign of Peter or Tate, so I head straight for the coffee cart and order my skinny vanilla with a double shot.

  “Make that two,” Tate’s voice calls from behind me. I spin around and am met with my favorite dimpled smile.

  “Hey, stranger.” I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a quick hug. What I’d really like to do is nuzzle my face into his neck and ask him to promise me that everything will be okay. He would, without hesitation, but I can’t let him give his word when he doesn’t know what he’s committing to.

  “I’ve missed you.” He kisses the top of my head before letting me go to pay the barista. He shoots me a quizzical look as we make our way to a table. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I cringe as the words come out of my mouth. “No, I’m not. I’m sorry. I’m so scared,” I confess. “What if you and Peter don’t get along? Worse yet, what if today goes smoothly, only for you to decide that Lily is too much for you to handle?” Tears well behind my eyes, sending me into a blinking fit to hold them back.

  He leans across the table and wipes a rogue tear from my cheek. “You own my heart, and because Lily is a part of you, so will she.” Attempting not to cry is pointless. What started as one becomes a deluge spilling down my face. “I know you’re scared that I’m getting in over my head. What I need you to understand is, whatever lies ahead with Lily, you are worth every bump in the road.”

  “I love you so much.” I sniffle.

  “Then have faith in me,” he pleads. “Let me show you how much I can love both of you.”

  I barely have time to blot my face and take a deep breath before I catch sight of Peter walking into the cafeteria. Tate follows the line of my vision and stands to greet Peter as he approaches.

  “Tate Michaels,” he says, extending his hand to Peter.

  “Peter Williams,” he says, shaking it. When Peter turns to me, his eyes reflect the weariness he must be feeling. “Caroline,” he says, as he sits down.

  “Listen,” I say. “I know this is uncomfortable—”

  “Caroline,” Peter interrupts. “If it’s okay, I just want to talk to Tate for a minute.”

  I force myself to swallow past the knot forming in my throat. “You want me to leave?” I ask.

  “No, no,” Peter answers. “I just thought it would be easier if I could say what I have to say.”

  I look over at Tate, who’s taking it all in with a calmness I’m grateful for.

  “Okay,” Tate replies. “I’m all ears.”

  I shift in my seat to face Peter, wondering where his head is.

  “First of all, I trust Caroline,” Peter starts. “I know she would never bring someone into Lily’s life who wasn’t good for her. I’m not worried about that. I know you care about Caroline; I want to know how you feel about Lily.”

  “Peter,” I say. “Tate hasn’t met her yet. He can’t honestly tell you how he feels about her.”

  “I know that, Caroline,” Peter says, “but he is going to be in Lily’s life. I want to know that he’ll be good to her when you’re all together. Her needs are a lot to handle; I need to know that he’s up to the task.”

  “Caroline’s been very explicit about Lily’s needs,” Tate says, “but I know that reality is not as neat as her explanations.”

  Peter shakes his head on a heavy sigh. “I don’t want Lily to feel like you’re only there for Caroline.”

  I can only sit back and watch as the man I used to love and the man I’m in love with now hash out the best way to love my daughter.

  Tate leans in toward Peter, resting his forearms on the table. “I know I’m going to love Lily. Part of me does already, because she’s Caroline’s daughter, and I want to get to know her and discover the little girl she is.”

  “That’s what I needed to hear,” Peter replies. “I know you’ve got plans to meet her next week, and I needed to know where you stood before that. I hope you understand.”

  I know it’s not easy for Peter to hear how Tate feels, but I’m so proud of him for putting his own feelings aside to make sure Lily’s needs are met. He’s grown so much as a man and a father.

  “I get it,” Tate says. “I hope you feel a little better about it now. It would be nice for Lily if you and I got along.”

  “That’s the goal.” Peter reaches his hand out, and they shake on it.

  “Do I get to say something?” I ask. Two sets of kind, warm eyes fall on me, and I’m momentarily blown away by where my life has come. It took one to love me enough to leave so the other could come into my life. Life is a wonder, if complicated in its beauty. “Thank you both for putting Lily’s needs first.”

  I would’ve never guessed I’d be here, but I’m so grateful I am.

  One week later, Lily’s holding my hand as we walk into the frozen-yogurt shop near our house. One wall is lined with several flavors of self-serve frozen yogurt, while the other houses a long buffet of toppings. It’s Lily’s favorite place to come for a treat. I’m not above a little bribery to smooth everything along. I’m hoping that putting her at ease with a familiar environment will help lessen some of my own apprehension. It feels like I’ve been waiting for this meeting my whole life, not just the last couple of weeks.

  “Lily, do you remember who I said we’re meeting?” I ask. Lily’s focus is on the pictures above each flavor. She loves that she can choose by picture, and I love the confidence she gains by choosing on her own.

  “Mama friend Tater. Wanda choco-wut, pwease,” she says without missing a beat.

  “Thank you for using your good manners—and yes, we’re meeting my friend Tate,” I reply. “Can you say ‘Tate’?”

  She furrows her delicate brow at me and repeats, “Tater.” Duh, Mom.

  “Caroline?” I look up from Lily’s quizzical face, straight into Tate’s dimpled smile. It still turns my insides to mush every time he unleashes it on me.

  “Hi.” I can’t help the smile spreading across my own face. My heart pounds a frantic rhythm as the reality of what’s happening sets in. “Lily, this is the friend I was telling you about.”

  She looks up at Tate and gives him a bashful smile.

  “Your mama has told me so many wonderful things about you, Lily. I’m Tate.” He takes her tiny hand in his and shakes it. The way he treats her, like any other child, brings tears to my eyes.

  “Hi, Tater,” she replies, and starts to flap her hands.
“I like choco-wut.” Her face is lit up with excitement and expectation.

  It takes everything in me not to jump in and try to settle her little arms down. Her flapping is a fundamental part of who Lily is and how she expresses herself. Tate needs to be okay with who she is, quirks and all.

  “That’s code for, ‘I want you to put some in a cup for me.’ She’s a bit passive-aggressive when she’s trying to tell me what she wants.” I chuckle and hand Tate a cup from the dispenser. She likes him. The thought fills my heart, and I can only hope that Tate will feel the same.

  “I like chocolate, too. It’s my favorite,” Tate says. “You’d better help me work this thing, sweetheart. I’ve never done this before.”

  Lily’s eyes dart back and forth between Tate and me.

  Not wanting her to feel conflicted, I take the cup from Tate. “I’ll show you.”

  Lily smiles broadly and bounds toward the chocolate yogurt machine with Tate and me in tow. Lily’s a little cautious, but for the most part, she seems quite taken with Tate. If he’s intimidated, he isn’t showing it at all, and it makes my heart sing to watch them together. She pulls at his hand impatiently as we make our way to the topping bar. Whatever she points to, she lets Tate add to her cup.

  “Mama like wocky woad,” Lily declares when they get to the cashier. Once again she looks at Tate expectantly, but this time he chuckles under his breath.

  “I’ll get it myself, Lily Love,” I say.

  “Why, Mama? Tater good helper!” she replies.

  I try hard not to laugh, but she’s so adorable, I can’t help myself. My heart can hardly take the picture the two of them paint as they inspect their masterpiece.

  “Can I make you one?” I ask Tate. Clearly it’s going to be a while before Lily relinquishes the hold she has on her new friend.

  He scrunches up his nose. “They have rocky road–flavored yogurt?”

  “No.” I laugh. “I get chocolate and add almonds and marshmallows at the bar.”

  “Ooooh,” he says. “Well, then, I’ll definitely take one of those.”

  “Will you be okay for a minute?” I ask Tate.