Wild Dreams

by Dawn Pendleton

  “Yeah, right.”

  I looked at her as I tugged the poles of the tent out of my bag. “You know, I’m not a bad guy.”

  “You’re a sleaze ball. You manipulate women to get what you want.” She was daring me to argue with her.

  “You’re right,” I mumbled.

  She blinked at me. “What?”

  “I said you’re right. What you don’t know, though, is that I’m trying to change.” She was the first person I ever even mentioned changing to.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I’m tired of living a bachelor’s life and I want a relationship with meaning and not just some fling with the next woman I see.” My hands shook; I wasn’t good at being vulnerable.

  “Is that right?” she asked.

  “Yep, it sure is,” I confirmed.

  “I guess you’ll just have to prove it.”

  For her, I wanted to.

  Ten

  Nicole

  It wasn’t what he said so much as how he said it that pulled at my heart. I knew how hard it was to change, especially when there were certain things people expected, ways they knew a person acted. Changing the stigmatism was more than hard; it was life-altering. The fact that he was trying spoke volumes, and I heard the pain in his voice. Change was hard.

  We all made mistakes. Mine were many, so many more than I was even willing to admit. I slept around in college, got wasted more times than I could count, and even broke up a relationship over jealousy. I lost one of my best friends that way. Regardless of what I’d done, though, I didn’t like people judging me based on those behaviors.

  I wanted to believe Dallas could change, wanted to imagine him as the long-term relationship type, but it was hard. I was prejudiced because of his past behavior. I took a deep breath and tried not to judge him so hard as we set up the tent.

  When Tyler meandered back into camp several minutes later, I was exhausted, but the tent was up and I even managed to get our sleeping bags set up inside. There wasn’t a whole lot of room, but it was enough. Dallas suggested I sleep in the middle of them, something I wasn’t all that comfortable with.

  “I’m not going to molest you in your sleep. But the warmest spot is the middle. I just don’t want you getting cold,” he’d reasoned. I set my bag in the middle, knowing all I needed to do was call out in the night and Tyler would kick his ass. Maybe. Dallas seemed like the kind of guy who won fights, but at least Tyler could deck him for my honor.

  Not that I had much honor. I’d been beyond loose the past few years, choosing to close my legs only the last six months, when I found two of my girlfriends fucking the guy I’d been seeing for a few weeks. Jimmy had been different, claiming he wanted something more serious, more permanent. I trusted him, believed he was good for me. He only used me to get to my friends, though, since they were known to fulfill all the college guys’ fantasies of having a threesome. It was disgusting.

  I kept seeing the three of them together; I couldn’t get the image out of my mind. When I went to sleep at night, I saw them, but in my dreams, they were all laughing at me. In reality, they’d all been horrified, and rightfully so. No one, not even me, expected what happened when I saw them, either. Instead of causing a ruckus, I just walked away. I left them there to ponder their actions, went back to my apartment and never spoke to any of them again. I finished school at the top of my class and didn’t make any more friends. I didn’t want to let myself get too close to another man or woman again. I didn’t even sleep with any of my regular guys. I shut out the world while I finished school, content to spend all my time alone.

  Part of the reason I applied to be Dallas’s intern was because I wanted to prove something, if only to myself. I wanted to resist him. I knew he would want me, as conceited as it sounded. I was just his type, according to the blogosphere. I did all the research. Sure, I wanted to learn from him, but more than that, I wanted to be the first woman to turn him down. It was an ego-trip, refusing to sleep with him, but I knew I could do it.

  “You okay in there?” Tyler asked from the screen of the tent.

  I chastised myself silently for forgetting where I was. Sitting cross-legged on my sleeping bag, I looked up at him. “Yeah, I’m just tired, I guess.”

  “Get up. I think I found dinner,” he smirked.

  I left the tent just as Dallas walked over to Tyler. “What do you mean you found dinner?”

  “There’s a fresh animal carcass just that way,” Tyler said, pointing east.

  “We don’t eat old carcasses.”

  Tyler looked defeated, but he pushed it. “I’m telling you, it’s fresh. I can bet it died today.”

  Dallas narrowed his eyes. “Did you touch it?”

  “Of course not,” Tyler responded, looking upset that Dallas would even suggest such a thing. I noticed a hint of guilt in his eyes, too, but said nothing.

  “Well, wash your hands anyway. You never know what kind of diseases are out here,” Dallas instructed.

  Tyler walked away looking like a kid whose dog just got kicked.

  I grabbed Dallas’s arm as he turned away. “Do you have to be so mean?” I whispered.

  He glanced at my hand on his arm pointedly. “This isn’t kindergarten. Out here, things like that are life and death.” He shook my hand off and made his way to small fire pit, starting a fire in less than sixty seconds.

  In minutes, Dallas had a roaring fire going, just as the sun was going down. The cold was almost instantaneous, a chill crossing my exposed arms. I went into the tent to rummage through my bag for a sweatshirt when Tyler stepped inside.

  “He’s a dick,” he said too loudly when I didn’t say anything.

  I gave him a half-smile. “We’ve got to make the best of this trip.”

  “Fuck him. I’m going to bed.” With that, he lay down in his sleeping bag, zipped himself in and was snoring in seconds.

  I sighed. Poor Tyler. He desperately wanted to prove himself, especially to Dallas, but Dallas kept undermining him every chance he got. It was sad to see, but Tyler needed to buck up. Dallas didn’t seem to hand out compliments often, but I had no doubts he would, if he came across something extraordinary. Tomorrow, maybe I would stage something for Tyler to prove himself. Feign some ailment or something. Maybe I could pass out and have Tyler save me. It was a start.

  I pulled my hoodie on and went back out to the fire. I wasn’t ready to sleep yet and I didn’t want to freeze. Dallas had pulled an old log up to the fire and was sitting on the ground, leaning against it. I walked over to the log, sitting on top of it while I stretched my hands to warm them with the flames.

  “I never realized it got so cold out here. I almost didn’t bring this thing,” I said, gesturing to my sweatshirt.

  “If you hadn’t brought it, I always bring an extra. You look good in a man’s hoodie,” he commented.

  “A man’s hoodie?”

  He grinned. “Yeah, there’s no way that’s yours.”

  “And why not?”

  “First, it’s huge, so unless you used to be really fat…” he waited. I shook my head at his suggestion. “Second, it’s worn in places a woman doesn’t normally wear out.”

  I glanced at myself, noting the weathered cuffs and elbows. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

  “You should get used to that.”

  I turned my head to him. “Get used to what?”

  “Me being right.”

  I laughed.

  “It’s true. I also always get what I want,” he added.

  I crossed my legs, uncomfortable on the log. “You’re full of yourself.”

  “That, too. Why don’t you sit on the ground?” he suggested, noticing my fidgety legs.

  I sighed, sinking to the ground beside him. Being closer to the fire was good, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about being so close to him.

  “You confuse me.” He blinked, shocked by his own admission.

  “You aren’t exactly an easy-read yourself.”<
br />
  He nodded, turning his eyes back to the flames. “What are we doing?”

  “Playing with fire?” I teased.

  He turned those bright eyes back to me and my breath caught. He was suddenly so serious. “I lost my sister over a year ago.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry,” I murmured, knowing how hard it was to lose someone. I cleared my throat. “I lost my parents several years ago.”

  His surprise look faded to concern. “How old were you?”

  “Seventeen.”

  “Jesus. You were just a baby. Hell, you still are.”

  “I’m stronger than I look,” I said, though in that moment, I didn’t really feel like it. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to be strong. I wanted to weep, I wanted to let all the anger go, and I wanted to be held.

  “We’re all strong when we have to be. It’s afterward that’s a struggle.” It was as if he plucked the thought right out of my brain.

  I could do nothing but nod.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  I nodded again.

  He took a deep breath. “Do you think after someone dies, they get the chance to see us on earth? I never told my sister how much I appreciated her. I didn’t know she was sick for a long, long time. And when I finally found out, I just thrust myself deeper into work, taking jobs as far away from home as I could. The pain was just too deep, you know? So I often wonder if she see me up there, if she hears me when I tell her how sorry I am…” he trailed off.

  I gulped, forcing down the tears that threatened to spill. Hearing him say those things was like a dagger to my heart. All the walls I’d built around myself slipped and crashed to the ground.

  “Absolutely,” I assured him. “She loved you. She knows why you did the things you did.”

  “Do you think she forgives me for being a shitty brother?”

  “I’m sure she never thought you were a shitty brother. She was younger than you?”

  “Yeah,” he answered, his throat closing up.

  “My guess is, she admired you for pursuing your dreams. She was proud of you, I’m sure of it. I mean, look at you – hotshot photographer leading a legendary intern program, women basically falling at your feet to learn from you – that doesn’t sound like someone she wouldn’t be proud of.”

  “Full of himself photographer, a guy who uses the intern program to hit on those women, and a known womanizer…”

  “We all doubt ourselves, Dallas. You’ve got to overcome those doubts, whether you think they’re legitimate or not.”

  He nodded and I looked away as he wiped a few tears from his eyes. A crying man was not something I was prepared to deal with. Womanizer? Sure. Conceited photographer? Absolutely. But a wounded man who wasn’t afraid to cry? My heart broke.

  I stared into the fire to avoid looking at him. The temperature dropped lower, forcing us closer to the fire. We sat close together, our shoulders nearly touching. After nearly half an hour of silence, Dallas spoke up.

  “Do you want to talk about your parents?”

  I bent my knees, leaning my chin against them and wrapping my arms around my legs. “I’m not sure I have anything left to talk about. I went to therapy for three years.”

  “Did it help?” he asked.

  I turned my head to him, resting my cheek on my knee. “Yeah. It helped a lot. I mean, it doesn’t bring them back, and it definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking about offing myself just to be with them, but –”

  He tugged on my arm, pulling me to my knees close to him. “Don’t ever say that, Nicole. Don’t even think it. The world would be a worse place without you.” His brown eyes were intense, determined.

  “I’m not in any danger, I promise. I haven’t had thoughts like that in a long time. But the reality is, for a long time, I just wanted to be with them, no matter how it happened. That’s why I went to therapy. And continued for so long. Eventually, I stopped believing that’s what I wanted.”

  “Did you go live with a grandparent or something?”

  I let out an unamused laugh. “I wasn’t so lucky to have any family. I was on my own. No one was granted guardianship because there wasn’t anyone. I sent myself to therapy because I knew if I thought about it anymore, I would probably just do it. There wasn’t anyone to mourn me, so it seemed like the least worrisome option. I was wrong, of course – there’s always someone to mourn you, even if you’re the most disliked person on earth.”

  “I’ve felt that way… My sister’s funeral was hard, but it was harder because so many people came. I’m not talking like long-lost relatives and friends who wanted to show their respects. R-Rainey was close to all of those people. She was the most vibrant person I’ve ever known. She kept her leukemia a secret, even from her best friends and family for a long time, but she was strong. She dealt with it all, knowing she wouldn’t be able to grow old, have babies and spend a lifetime with Baker.”

  “Baker?” I asked. Listening to him talk about his sister was fascinating. He loved her, of that I had no doubt.

  “Chris Baker. Her husband. Well, when she died, they were married.”

  I leaned back. “He married her knowing she was sick?” Talk about a glutton for punishment.

  “Baker was the perfect match for my sister. He completed her in so many ways. They were perfect.”

  “No one’s perfect,” I contradicted.

  “Maybe you’re right. But they were as perfect for each other as two people can be. I was jealous of their love. When they were in a room together, all eyes were drawn to them. He would crack a joke and she would laugh, even at the end, when it hurt her to laugh, she would smile at him. You could just see how in love they were, how much they meant to each other. Baker would have gladly taken Rainey’s place, too, if that were possible. He would have died in her place, that’s how much he loved her.”

  I looked at the dying fire. “Sounds amazing.”

  “I’ve never loved someone like that. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman every waking moment, to look into her eyes and feel the love she has for me. Hell, until recently, I never thought of a woman more than the hour it took to sleep with her. But I want all those things, Nicole.”

  “I don’t blame you. Love like that is pretty rare, I think.”

  He leaned toward me. “Do you think people deserve second chances?”

  I gulped.

  Eleven

  Dallas

  She stared back at me, her vibrant eyes dancing in the fire light. The jungle was eerily quiet, creating a cocoon of silence around us. I waited for her answer with bated breath.

  “I… I think that when people are given a second chance, they should use it wisely,” she said, her voice soft.

  I closed my eyes, wishing I had something deep to say. I wanted a second chance, but ultimately, it was up to her whether or not I got it. She was the one in control. I decided she was the one to let us move forward or stop us in our tracks. I was attracted to her, yes, but what I felt was more than just attraction. She complemented me. She was soft where I was hard; she laughed where I scowled. When she smiled, I found myself smiling back. I truly wanted to get to know her better, slowly, so we had a chance.

  I no longer wanted to sleep with her and add her to my list of conquests; instead, I wanted her to be my last. It was a weird thought, especially for me, but I accepted it, which suggested I was finally ready to settle, to drop anchor and stop being a tumbleweed. It was an exciting and terrifying moment for me.

  I wondered if she knew exactly how spooked I was. Judging by her soft smile, I guessed she wasn’t as afraid as I was.

  “That’s all I want – a chance to prove myself,” I explained.

  She looked away, her eyes drawn to the fire. “I don’t know if I can trust you.”

  Her honesty was a breath of fresh air. I was used to women all but throwing themselves at me. I wanted to work for it, if only once. “I don’t blame you. The truth is, I don’t know if I trust mys
elf. But I think we have some kind of connection.”

  “I agree with you on that.”

  Yes! “Given that we both feel it, I’d like to see where it goes. But I’m kind of new to the whole taking things slow… I’m going to trust your instincts.”

  For a split second, doubt washed over her, as if she worried about being able to take it slow, too, but then she smiled, her teeth shiny in the dim light. “Alright, but that means when I say no, you don’t push at all.”

  She was setting her terms, and I found myself intrigued. “Absolutely. You run the show.”

  A smirk parted her lips. “Good.” Then she came after me. She pushed me back, straddling my legs. With her hands on my shoulders, she leaned close and pressed her lips to mine.

  Pleasure exploded in my mouth as I tasted her. She was sweet but aggressive, her tongue forcing its way into my mouth as she deepened the kiss. She tilted her head for better leverage and my hands went to her hips, dragging her closer to me. She ground her pelvis against me, my dick straining against my pants.

  “Mmm,” she whispered, moving her lips to my ear. She nibbled the sensitive skin at my jaw, planting kisses along it to my neck.

  I tipped my head back, enjoying her ministrations. She was in control, and although I thought it might kill me, I was going to enjoy it. I let my hands trail up over her hips, pushing them under her sweatshirt. When my fingertips met the softness of her skin, I moaned but stopped my hands. I didn’t want to freak her out or make her think I only cared about one thing. I was a different lover with Nicole. I had to be.

  She seemed to sense my hesitation and pulled away. “Nice control,” she whispered with a wink.

  When I laughed, she pulled back further, her smile dazzling me. “I think maybe that’s it for tonight.”

  “Probably a smart idea,” I admitted. I wanted nothing more than to fuck her there in the dirt, which is exactly why I helped her stand and we agreed to go to the tent. I told her to go ahead and I would follow her in a minute. Really, I needed a minute to decompress. She was a hot little thing, a woman who knew how I liked it, and I wanted her even more after I’d gotten a taste of her.