Open Secret
Page 24
The hallway was busy even though the bell hadn’t rung yet. They walked in silence to the office, where they signed out.
“Gas Works Park?” he suggested. “I can bring you back to get your car later.”
The drive was short, but Carrie felt she had to say something.
“Michael was cute today.”
“He’s been counting the minutes all week.”
“His teacher seemed nice.”
“Huh?” He gave her a distracted glance. “Oh. Yeah, she’s been great.”
The park, a fascinating sprawl of pipes, cogs and engines left from an industrial past now surrounded by a rich green sward of grass and mature trees, stretched along the rocky shoreline of Lake Union. The view of downtown Seattle and the Space Needle was spectacular. Taking advantage of the sunny day, couples had spread picnics on blankets on the grass. Runners and cyclists headed for the Burke-Gilman trail. The water was ruffled by a breeze, and as Mark and Carrie got out of the car, a seaplane was just accelerating to take off from the lake.
“Let’s find someplace to sit,” Mark suggested.
They left the graffiti-splashed industrial works behind and strolled along the shore until they found a vacant bench.
Carrie sat primly, her hands folded in her lap. Beside her Mark stretched his long legs out, and frowned at the view.
Neither said anything for what seemed like ages, but might have been a minute. Mark was the one to break the silence.
“I almost came after you that night.”
She didn’t look at him. “I wouldn’t have answered the door.”
Abruptly he faced her, his expression intense. “Carrie, I’ve spent the last two weeks regretting every word I said. I think I knew even then that they came from my insecurities, not from anything you’d said or done.”
Her fingers twined and untwined as she tried to meet that compelling gaze. “No, you were right that I’d been inexcusably focused on myself. It…hurt, but I needed to hear it.”
“No. God. No, you didn’t.” His voice was raw. “Of course you were in turmoil! I knew you were. I’m partially responsible. And to get close to you, I used your need for somebody to talk to. Then all of a sudden I wanted you to forget your own problems and think about nothing but me. What an idiot,” he finished in disgust.
“I don’t want you to think I’m always like that,” she said.
“I encouraged you to tell me how you felt.”
“You’ve been so good to me…”
“How can you say that? I was a son of a bitch!”
“No,” Carrie protested.
“Yes. Listen to me.” He gathered her fisted hands into his and massaged them gently. “I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea.”
“Yes, I do. Because I’ve missed you, too. Mark, that night together… It started so awful, and then it became the most wonderful night of my life! But then I chickened out every time I wanted to tell you. I was afraid it was just—” she groped for a word “—fun for you. Nothing special.”
He said something rough, incoherent, then, clearly, “You showed me what was wrong with my marriage.”
Carrie stared at him.
He let go of her hands and faced the view across Lake Union again. Voice scratchy, he said, “It hurt like hell not just to lose Emily but to realize how much she needed something more than me.”
Instinct kept her quiet.
“But the way I feel about you—the way I felt when we made love…” He stopped, cleared his throat. “Emily and I got married young. She wanted a family. I was a cop and needed her gentleness as a refuge from what I saw every day on the street. But the passion wasn’t there, not the kind I feel for you. Maybe she didn’t even know why she felt unfulfilled, but I can’t help thinking that was part of it. I was angry at her for not loving me enough, but some of the fault is mine for not loving her enough. If I could have given her more…” He hunched his shoulders and fell silent.
“It might not have made any difference, you know.” Carrie touched his forearm. “For some women, the drive to bear a child is so powerful. Maybe that need didn’t have anything to do with what might have been missing from your relationship. Think about it. When you have a child, your capacity to love expands. How you felt about Michael didn’t take anything away from how you felt about Emily, right?”
He stared at her. “No. I mean, of course not.”
“So why would you assume that her wanting to have a baby meant she wasn’t satisfied in her marriage?”
“Doctors had warned her…”
“But she wanted the baby enough to take that risk. I understand. It was foolish and hurtful, to you and Michael, but the chances are she truly believed everything would be fine. Did you ever think that part of her need to have the baby might have been because she wanted your child so much?” Carrie hesitated, then confessed a little shyly, “I think I understand, because I’d like to have your baby. Until I met you, I’d never given much thought to having children, but now…”
“Carrie.” He said her name with hoarse exultation, took her in his arms and kissed her, a starving man given his heart’s desire.
And Carrie kissed him back with the same desperation and gratitude.
When at last he lifted his head, they both sucked in breaths. He looked down at her with eyes that blazed. “I want you. Now.”
Without the slightest hesitation, she said, “I took the afternoon off. We can go to my apartment.” She started to rise, but his hand on her arm prevented her.
“No. Wait. Let me say this first.”
She was so happy, she could have bobbed into the air like the helium-filled red balloon that had just escaped some poor child and was floating skyward, out over the water.
Mark’s face relaxed a little, and she saw in his eyes a sense of peace that hadn’t been there before. “I love you.”
She must be glowing as rosy as that balloon. “I love you, too.”
“You know you were set up today.”
“I kind of got that feeling. Was it your idea?”
“No, Michael’s. He told me last week that he thought you’d be his new mom. He couldn’t understand why you hadn’t come over in days and days. Explaining to him was beyond me. Especially when I’d told myself I was cutting it off with you to keep him from being hurt down the line. Only, there he was, already hurt.”
She teased a little. “And so, when he asked if he could invite me…?”
“I told him it was a great idea. Fantastic. Why didn’t we call you right that minute?”
Carrie laughed. “And I worried that you were hoping I’d say no.”
“If you’d said no, I’d have thought of something else. I’d have lurked outside your apartment until you appeared.”
“Like you did the first time.”
“Stakeouts are one of my specialties.”
“So they are.” She rose enough to kiss his cheek. “Is your confession out of the way?”
“Yeah, which brings me to this.” He took a deep breath. “I know this is quick. I don’t expect an answer right away, but, uh… Will you marry me?”
Tears sprang into her eyes. “I did tell you I wanted to bear your child.”
His big hands framed her face, his thumbs caressing. “People have been known to have children out of wedlock.”
“Not me, Mr. Kincaid,” she said with a fierceness that surprised even her. “My child will be born with a name he or she will know for a lifetime.”
“A little girl with dark curls and big dark eyes.” His thumb whispered over her lips. “I love you, Carrie St. John,” he whispered, just before he once again bent his head to kiss her.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-8677-5
OPEN SECRET
Copyright © 2006 by Janice Kay Johnson.
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