Agnes and the Hitman

by Jennifer Crusie

  “There you are!” Brenda called through the screens as she came up the walk, Evie following with Maria behind her, looking cautious. “Evie and I had lunch and talked over things, and then we called Maria and came back out to see you all for a moment.” She came up the steps and caught sight of Lisa Livia. “And there you are, honey,” she said, smiling. “I was wondering when you’d get here.” She bent to kiss Lisa Livia on the cheek, but LL stiffened away so that it turned into an air kiss. When Brenda straightened, her smile was still in place, but it was tight and fixed.

  Ouch, Agnes thought. Would it kill you to let her kiss you, LL?

  “So, Ma,” Lisa Livia said. “How’s the country club? Tell you what, I’ll create a disturbance, and you grab the flowers.”

  “Hello, Lisa Livia,” Evie said, with no warmth. “Welcome home.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Keyes,” Lisa Livia said. “Always a pleasure to be here.”

  Brenda smiled at Maria. “We brought Maria because we wanted to talk about the wedding. About her theme.”

  “Theme?” Lisa Livia said dangerously. “What theme?”

  “We feel strongly,” Evie said to Lisa Livia, “that a flamingo theme, while adventurous and young and… uh, funky, might be something Palmer and, of course, Maria might regret in years to come when they look back at their wedding pictures.”

  “A flamingo theme?” Lisa Livia said, looking staggered.

  “Forgot to mention that,” Agnes said to her. “There was a lot to catch you up on.”

  Evie nodded. “And that, in fact, this entire wedding has gotten out of hand. So Brenda and I have decided that something more classic-”

  “At the country club,” Brenda said, patting Maria’s arm.

  “-would be more appropriate,” Evie said. “Wait a minute,” Agnes said, rising from her chair as fast as her temper.

  “And since I am not without influence in the community and over my son,” Evie was saying, intent clear in her voice, “I am in a position to insist. I’m sorry, Maria, but there will be no flamingo theme, and the wedding will be at the country club.”

  The hell it will. Agnes opened her mouth, but Lisa Livia got there first.

  “My daughter wants a flamingo theme here,” Lisa Livia said quietly. “And I believe it’s her wedding.”

  “Ma,” Maria said, warning in her voice.

  Agnes shook her head slightly at Lisa Livia. Fight for the location not the theme. The theme’s a joke. “So we’ll compromise,” she began, and Maria nodded, but Evie overrode them.

  “Maria is very young,” Evie said, smiling at Lisa Livia with the kind of smile that came on crocodiles. “She needs guidance. No flamingos.”

  Maria opened her mouth, looking eager to agree, but Lisa Livia missed it, crossing her arms under her red tube top. “Guidance, you say,” LL said softly.

  “We need to talk about this,” Agnes whispered to Lisa Livia, trying to signal her off.

  “Oh, no, it’s decided,” Brenda said, happily. “And really, darlings-”

  “The hell it’s decided,” Agnes snapped at her, and Brenda blinked at her, shocked.

  “Maria wants flamingos.” Lisa Livia smiled at Evie, the Fortunato smile that had launched a thousand cement overshoes.

  Maria evidently saw the same thing, because she said, “No, Ma, it’s okay, I-” just as Agnes said, “LL, you-”

  Lisa Livia jerked her head up toward the second floor of the house. “You know that second window from the right up there?” she said to Evie in a conversational tone that fooled no one. “That was my bedroom window when I was a kid. I got stuck up there a lot when Ma had her parties. You wouldn’t believe what I saw.” She tilted her head, looking Evie right in the eye. “Like Simon Xavier feeling you up underneath our big oak tree. And that wasn’t all…”

  Brenda said, “Lisa Livia!” Evie stiffened, and Agnes sat down and poured herself another glass of wine.

  “I’m trying to remember if you were married then or not,” Lisa Livia was saying to Evie, sounding genuinely puzzled. “I’d have to ask around. You know. For guidance. To get my dates straight.”

  “Wine?” Agnes said to Maria, who nodded and sat down next to her, equally resigned, picking up her mother’s wineglass.

  Evie pressed her lips together so tight, they made a white line in her face.

  “It’s not the kind of thing I’d ever do,” Lisa Livia went on. “I mean, ever do, talk like that, I mean, unless somebody, you know, tried to fuck my daughter over on something she wanted, because in that case, if that happened, I would pour lye over every single fuckin’ inch of this town. You think Sherman did some damage on his march through here? I’d make him look like fucking Merry Maids, what I’d do to you and everybody in this godforsaken hole if you or anybody else fucks with my kid, or her happiness, so if she says she wants fuckin’ flamingos, she gets fuckin’ flamingos right here at Two Rivers. The wedding will not be at the country club, it will be here and it will have flamingos and anything else my kid wants, do you understand?”

  Agnes drank some more wine and so did Maria. She was pretty sure Evie understood. The First Lady of Keyes might not be Caesar’s wife, but she was Jefferson Keyes’s wife, and Jefferson Keyes’s wife did not get felt up under an oak tree by a cop or, God forbid, laid, not even twenty-five years ago.

  A quiet fell over the group.

  Then Evie stood up. “Very well.” She nodded to Maria. “I think this is a terrible mistake, but your mother is correct, it is your wedding. You may have your flamingos here at Two Rivers.”

  “Now wait a minute,” Brenda said, but Evie turned and walked down the steps and around the corner of the house to her Lexus, her dignity unspoiled even if her reputation had a dent in it.

  Brenda turned to Lisa Livia. “Well, that was certainly a disgusting display worthy of your father’s family.”

  “Shut up, Ma,” Lisa Livia said, her hands on her hips. “Like you weren’t born in the Bronx, and the Fortunatos weren’t a big step up for you. Now you listen to me. You try to move this wedding away from Two Rivers again, I’m gonna clean every skeleton out of every closet you got and make them dance, you hear me? I’ll dig up everything you ever buried, including my daddy, and then I’ll sink that beat-up rowboat you’re living on so you’ll be out in the street with nothing. Do not fuck with my kid and do not fuck with my friend, they are all the family I got, and they are off-limits to you. Understand?”

  Brenda drew back as if she’d been slapped, and then she glared at LL, and for a moment they were mirror images, two curly-haired mini-furies, one blonde and one dark, little but lethal. Then Brenda said, “I’m not going to listen to that kind of talk from my daughter,” and turned to Agnes. “I’d like to speak with you before I go,” she said coldly, and went into the house.

  “I thought she’d never leave.” Lisa Livia turned to Maria, who was sitting on the porch swing beside Agnes, her arms crossed in mirror image of her mother, the third fury in the triumvirate, although she looked more exasperated than enraged. “You got your flamingos, baby,” Lisa Livia said, her voice doting.

  “I don’t want flamingos, Ma,” Maria said. “I was just trying to make them crazy so they’d give me the wedding I really do want. I’d have talked them back to Two Rivers with the butterflies and the daisies and everything I wanted, but now thanks to you, I got flamingos.”

  Lisa Livia stared at her daughter for a long moment, and then she said, “I hope someday you have a daughter, and when you do, I hope she breaks your heart the way you just broke mine.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Maria said, and went into the kitchen.

  Agnes held out the wine bottle to Lisa Livia. “We tried to head you off. Wine?”

  “Fuck that,” Lisa Livia said. “Get me a bourbon.”

  “Kitchen,” Agnes said, and they both went in.

  Brenda was just inside the door, staring openmouthed at the kitchen wall, where the outline of the basement door could be seen easily now since
so many people had gone through it.

  “Agnes, what is that?” she said, as if Agnes had done something vile.

  “The door to the basement I didn’t know was there,” Agnes said. “Your husband’s old den is down there. Which you failed to mention when you sold me the house.”

  “Daddy’s rec room?” Lisa Livia said, and went over to it. “Is the Venus still down there?” She pushed open the door and poked her head through. “My God, I’d forgotten all about this.” She sounded ready to cry, which was not like Lisa Livia.

  “Ma?” Maria said to her, momentarily distracted from her own anger.

  Agnes got out the bourbon. “Coming right up, LL.”

  “If you don’t want the Venus, can I have it?” Lisa Livia said to Agnes.

  “God, yes,” Agnes said. “You can have everything that’s down-”

  “Why is this door open?” Brenda said.

  “A boy named Thibault fell through there and broke his neck,” Agnes said.

  “Thibault?” Brenda put her hand on the counter to steady herself.

  “He came to dognap Rhett,” Agnes said.

  Brenda sank down on the counter stool. “Oh, my God.”

  Agnes took the bourbon to Lisa Livia, who was still peering into the basement, biting her lip now. “You okay?”

  “My daddy loved this place,” LL said, and took the glass. “Just loved it. My God. And the Venus is still down there?”

  The front door slammed, and somebody walked across the hall, and then Shane came into the kitchen, Rhett trailing behind him.

  When he saw the four of them standing there, he paused, and Rhett flopped down beside him.

  He looked tall and broad and dangerous, all dressed in black. He looked damned good, in fact

  “Joey?” Brenda whispered, dead white now.

  “This is Shane, Joey’s nephew,” Agnes said. “Shane, this is Brenda Dupres. Fortunato-”

  “Shane, oh, my God.” Brenda put her hand over her heart. “Shane. Of course, what was I thinking? Well. You’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.”

  “That’s Little Shane?” Lisa Livia whispered to Agnes. “Who knew he was gonna grow up to be that?”

  Shane eyed them all warily.

  Lisa Livia waved to him. “Hi, Shane. Remember me, Lisa Livia?”

  “Hello,” Shane said, still cautious, which was something, given the effect Lisa Livia and her tube top usually had on men.

  “You think the next time you’re in the basement, you could bring up that Venus statue?” Lisa Livia said.

  “It’s a crime scene, LL,” Agnes said, trying not to watch Shane’s face. “We’ll get it to you, I promise.”

  “Welcome home, Shane,” Brenda said, holding on to the counter now. “Whatever are you doin’ back in Keyes? Something for Joey?” Her voice shook a little on Joey.

  “Looking out for Agnes,” Shane said. “We were wondering why nobody cleared out the basement before it was boarded up.”

  “Cleared out?” Brenda said, her voice a little higher than usual.

  “You got a bar full of booze down there, racks full of wine, a good pool table, and that real nice statue of the Venus de Milo-”

  “Real nice,” Lisa Livia said, while Maria looked at her in disbelief.

  “-but it all got boarded up. Why?”

  Brenda blinked at him. “Oh, Frankie. It just all reminded me so much of Frankie, so I just nailed the door shut and papered over it after he disappeared.”

  “My ass,” Lisa Livia said in Agnes’s ear. “She killed him. She probably buried him down there, that’s why she’s so spooked it’s open again. She’s probably got him buried under the Venus.” She sighed. “He’d have liked that.”

  “Shh,” Agnes said, praying that was a joke. “Brenda, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  Brenda looked back at her, as if she wasn’t quite sure who Agnes was. “What? Oh, Agnes. Well, about the wedding, of course. I was hoping you’d be reasonable about moving it to the country club since you’re never going to get the house painted in time but-” She looked back at the wall and then at Shane. “-I think I’m just going back to the Brenda Belle now and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” She smiled weakly at Shane. “Tomorrow’s another day.”

  “It always is,” Agnes said.

  “I’ll go with you, Grandma,” Maria said, and Brenda didn’t say a word about the “Grandma.”

  Shane moved aside, and Brenda glided past him, tottering a little on her heels, still beautiful, but very pale. For the first time, she looked close to her real age.

  Maria shot one last baleful look at her mother and followed Brenda out the door.

  “What’s the Brenda Belle?” Shane asked when they were gone.

  “Her yacht,” Agnes said. “She’s been living on it since she sold me this place.”

  “It’s an old tub,” Lisa Livia said and looked at Agnes. “Do you believe me now?”

  “Maybe,” Agnes said. “Believe what?” Shane said.

  “I’ll tell you later.” Agnes picked up the phone and dialed. “I have to tell Taylor first” Lisa Livia rolled her eyes, but Agnes said, “It’s his personal business, LL.” She listened to the phone ring once and then Taylor’s answering machine clicked on. When she heard the beep, she said, “I need to talk to you tonight. No excuses. Nine o’clock is good.” She hung up and turned back to Shane. “So Maria went mental on Evie and Brenda, then Lisa Livia told Evie she saw Xavier feel her up twenty five years ago, and now it turns out there’s a chance I’m going to lose this house, and I’m definitely going to be up to my ass in plastic flamingos by Thursday. How was your day?”

  “I talked to Joey, I got shot at twice, and I got you an air conditioner. Why are you going to lose the house?”

  “Shot at?” Lisa Livia said.

  “This morning while Evie and Brenda were here?” Agnes said. “Because I heard shots then.”

  “They missed. Why are you going to lose the house?”

  Then the other shoe dropped. “You got me an air conditioner?” Agnes swallowed hard. “You got me an air conditioner?”

  He looked taken aback. “Well, you were having trouble with the central air unit you had-”

  “It’s too small for the house,” Agnes said.

  “-so I checked it before I left and you needed another one. It’s no big deal, Agnes.”

  “Oh, my God,” Agnes said. “You got shot at and you still got me an air conditioner.”

  “Agnes, it’s an air conditioner, not a kidney,” Shane said, and she wanted to say, It’s better than a kidney, after all that, you still remembered me? but all she said was, “Thank you very much. I’ll pay you back.”

  “No, you won’t,” Shane said. “Think of it as room and board. What’s for dinner?”

  “Joey brought me a tenderloin last night and I put it to marinade this morning,” Agnes said. “That’s easy and then we’ll have sandwiches from the leftovers for a while.”

  “That’s worth an air conditioner,” Shane said.

  “I’ll do more,” Agnes said.

  “You’re easy, Agnes,” Shane said.

  You have no idea. Take me. “An air conditioner. My God.”

  “So what happened with the house?”

  “That’s what I have to talk to Taylor about first.”

  “If you tell me, I’ll fix it,” he said, and she almost told him, just because he was there, and because he bought her an air conditioner, and because he could do anything, she was pretty sure. “It’s nothing I can’t handle,” she lied.

  “I’ll go put the air conditioner in,” he said, nodded to Lisa Livia, and went out the back door.

  Agnes turned to start dinner and caught sight of Lisa Livia watching her with her arms folded. “What?”

  “Finally, something good is happening to you.”

  “Yes,” Agnes said firmly. “I got an air conditioner.”

  “That’s not all you’re getting,” Lisa Livia said. �
�And that fathead Taylor is toast. Couldn’t happen to a shallower guy, either.”

  “Don’t get all starry-eyed on me,” Agnes said, heading for the refrigerator. “Shane is not staying.”

  “I know, that’s the beauty of it. He gives you an air conditioner, evicts that airhead from your life, gives you great sex, and then leaves. My God. The perfect man.”

  “Are you staying for dinner?” Agnes asked with studied politeness.

  “No,” Lisa Livia said. “He might decide to take you before dessert. I wouldn’t want to be in the way. I’ll come back tomorrow for leftovers after I’ve rummaged around on the Brenda Belle to see if Brenda’s got anything incriminating packed away. She’s about as smart with money in general as you are, so outside of scamming you for this house, I doubt she’s much ahead of you on anything.”

  “I’m smart with money,” Agnes said.

  “You’re an idiot with money,” Lisa Livia said. “So is Brenda or she wouldn’t be in this cash bind now. You’re the genius with words; I’m the genius with money. We should do something together with that. But not tonight. Tonight you’re going to be playing footsie with the hotsie.”

  “You’re disgusting,” Agnes said, trying not to grin.

  “Yeah, but I’m going to save your butt,” Lisa Livia said. “I’m not kidding about that Venus. I want it.” She took one more look at the basement door and left, and Agnes sighed.

  That made two people who were going to save her butt. The place was filling up with people who wanted to save her.

  She tried to feel exasperated about that, but she grinned instead. Then she went to make dinner.

  Shane spent the rest of the afternoon wrestling with the new air-conditioning unit and with the idea that his good old uncle Joey was still keeping something from him. Considering what he’d already been told, it had to be something pretty serious, which did not bode well for his getting back to his regular employment, something that didn’t bother him as much as it would have the previous night. Doyle came by but didn’t offer to help with the AC, saying he needed to focus on the house painting, although Shane figured it would be at least a decade before he got the place painted at the rate he was going. About seven, he went inside and cleaned up, and Agnes fed him tenderloin and fresh corn and new potatoes and ice cream with homemade hot fudge, and he thought about telling her he didn’t eat that much and then plowed through all of it. She said, “I think I’m going to make a golf course cake with flamingos for Palmer’s groom’s cake,” and he said, “Okay,” because there wasn’t much else to say after that, and watched her finish her next day’s To Do List. It was long. Then she opened her laptop to work on her column, muttering about wedding cake, and he went out and finished getting the unit hooked up. After that, he sat on the back porch steps and watched the sun set with Rhett and then waited in the moonlight for Wilson to show up, all of which would have been peaceful if Agnes hadn’t been so tense and if Wilson hadn’t been coming to him. It was unheard of for Wilson to come to him. Plus it was well past nine and that waste of a human being Taylor hadn’t turned up yet. Everything was wrong.