A Tale Of Two Witches

by Robyn Peterman

  “I am not your mother-in-law, you asshead. We’re the same damned age. I’m no one’s mother-in-law. Got it?”

  Nodding, I sucked back my joy with effort. Zelda was right. Just for a stupid second, I’d gotten excited about being able to call someone a name with the word mother in it who actually liked me.

  “Who’s the witch passed out in the guest room wearing our children’s clothes?” Jeeves asked calmly, as if having knocked out visitors was a normal occurrence.

  “Cookie Witch,” I told him. “And I didn’t head butt her or anything like that—in case you were wondering.”

  “I figured she wasn’t too dangerous since you hadn’t waxed her,” Jeeves replied with a chuckle. “Is she all right?”

  “Yep, she wants me to take her job spreading the green goop and maintaining the magical balance in the world.”

  “Wow.” Jeeves whistled, impressed. “What did you say?”

  “I told her she could shove the job up her ass, but then I screwed everything up.”

  “You haven’t screwed anything up—yet,” Zelda said. “When Marge wakes up, bring her to my house. I’m calling my dad and Mac in on this. We need to have a sit down before you meet Bermangogglefuck.”

  “Do I have to give her dress back?” I asked, staring at it longingly.

  Zelda struggled for twenty-three seconds before she sighed sadly. “You do. Decisions suck and this one sucks hard. I’d want to keep it too, but …”

  We both stared at the work of art on the coffee table with materialistic craving. My fingers itched to hide it in the back of my closet and claim it had been stolen. In the old days, it would have been so easy to pilfer the very expensive garment, but not so much now. I was trying to love myself, or at the very least, like myself a lot. Stealing wasn’t going to help my quest.

  “We’re growing up, aren’t we?” I questioned unhappily.

  “Dude, we are. But it’s time, Sassy Pants. We had to do it someday and it may as well be today,” Zelda agreed with one last longing look at the dress before she poofed away.

  “You okay, Baby?” Jeeves asked, planting a loving kiss on my head.

  I considered his question for only a heartbeat before I answered. “I am. I actually am.”

  And I wasn’t lying. It felt pretty good to be good.

  Chapter Eight

  “Fabdudio, you have experience of being a formerly shitty dad,” Zelda said to her father who eyed her askance. “Can you give Sassy a few pointers on meeting Bermangogglebastard?”

  Zelda’s dad, Fabio, was a very powerful healer warlock and didn’t know about his nutbag of a daughter for most of her life. When he found out and attempted to meet her, Zelda’s horrible excuse for a mother put a spell on him and turned him into a cat. Of course it took Zelda mowing him down with her car, spending nine months in the magical pokey for that particular accident, and then having Fabio almost die again in a smack down with vicious honey badgers before they were able to work it out.

  Personally, I thought Zelda was the luckiest witch alive to have a father like Fabio. He had impeccable taste in expensive gift giving and he adored the heck out of Zelda and the babies. Not to mention he smelled really good. The only sucky part of the situation was that Fabio was dating our leader Baba Yaga aka Carol. The thought of Baba Yojackhole becoming Zelda’s stepmother was all kinds of frightening and hilarious.

  “My darling, filter-less daughter, would you like to rephrase that question?” Fabio inquired with raised brows. “I didn’t know about you. And when I did, I moved heaven and earth to be with you. I wouldn’t exactly call that shitty.”

  “He has a point,” Mac admitted grudgingly, leaning on the counter and watching the scene play out. With a baby in each arm, he looked like a scary, happily domesticated, really handsome, werewolf King.

  “Thank you,” Fabio huffed. He had wanted Zelda to mate with a warlock, but he got Mac instead. Fabio loved his daughter and his grandchildren so much, he was learning to live with it.

  I didn’t know any witch who wanted to mate with a warlock. They tended to be self- absorbed in the sack and pains in the ass. We were lucky as witches because we could mate across species. My life was pretty much complete now that I was mated to my kangaroo.

  “To be fair,” Jeeves added with some skepticism in his voice, taking my hand in his, “Bermanspermdonorshitz didn’t know about Sassy either.”

  “True,” Fabio agreed. “However, he’s dangerous—and I’m not. Cheating at cards and amassing a fortune is one thing. Trying to destroy our Mother Earth with dark magic is entirely another. Although having a daughter does do something to a man, but with Roy…”

  “Who in the Goddess’s name is Roy?” I asked, annoyed that Fabio had gone off subject.

  Fabio tended to do that. Being the artistic director of the Assjacket Community Theatre, he had my respect, but he talked in circles as far as I was concerned—and spoke in French. I couldn’t get too pissy with him though because I wanted the lead role in the new show he was writing and directing. The role of the shark in the world premiere of Sharknado: The Musical! was something I was born to play.

  “Roy is his first name,” Marge explained, haltingly. She’d been awfully quiet so far.

  She was mixing up a batch of cookies with such violent strokes, I was pretty sure she was going to dislocate her arm. Cookie Witch was not pleased. I didn’t blame her. A date with a smelly evil guy wasn’t anyone’s idea of fun. She’d agreed to it, but…

  “His name is Roy Bermangoggleshitz?” Zelda asked on a snicker. “That sucks for him.”

  “Understatement.” I said with a nod.

  “Look, here’s what you need to know—he’s bad,” Fabio explained as he took Baby Henry from Mac and bounced him gently on his knee. “At one time he was good though—good looking and full of light magic. I have no clue what made him turn dark, but he did in a very big way. From what I understand, he runs a syndicate of fiendish warlocks.”

  “No French,” I snapped with sizzling fingers and an enormous eye roll. Fuck Sharknado, Fabio was grinding my witchy nerves speaking in a language I didn’t understand.

  “He means Roy was very naughty,” Marge cut in quickly before I could bring the house down around us.

  “Wait.” Zelda’s eyes narrowed. “There’s more than one of him?”

  “No, there’s only one Roy Bermangoggleshitz.,” Marge explained with a shudder, tasting the cookie dough and searching for a baking sheet. “The warlocks that work for him are vile, but not as dishonorable, monstrous and disgusting as he is. Last I was aware, he had an army of about twenty.”

  “Not a very big army,” I muttered, deciding to let the fact that Marge was speaking French go. I understood her meaning anyway. Maybe since everyone insisted speaking in freakin’ tongues, it was starting to rub off on me.

  Fabio shrugged and handed Baby Henry to Jeeves. “Doesn’t need to be big. They wield dark magic. Trust me—twenty is an army.”

  “I’d like to point out that we need a code name for the piece of shit,” Mac said with a wince. “If we keep saying his name, he’s going to show up.”

  “Sweet buttholes on fire,” I shouted. “No one say his name again. We only have to say it once more in this conversation before the stanky motherhumper appears.”

  We stood in silence and stared at each other. To summon my father, you had to speak his name three times. It would be all kinds of stupid to bring him here without some kind of plan in place—even if it was half-assed.

  “What do you want to call him?” Fabio asked me.

  “I get to pick?” I asked, surprised.

  “He’s your father. Of course, you get to pick,” Zelda chimed in.

  She was right. He was my father—a father I really didn’t want, at all. I had many choice names for him in my head, but they all made me kind of sad. I’d always secretly hoped that my dad would turn out to be an awesome dude who loved me, but had gotten stolen away by evil toothless trolls and had chos
en to stay away for my own safety. I pretended he had a big house with a frilly pink bedroom all fixed up for me—just waiting until all the trolls died off before he could come save me and take me home.

  But trolls didn’t exist and there was no frilly pink room waiting for me. Sperm Donor never showed up at the orphanage. I’d raised myself and that hadn’t turned out so great until I arrived in Assjacket, West Virginia. My father obviously didn’t want me the way I wanted him to. And I certainly hoped he didn’t think I was going to take over the family business.

  Okay. My dad was a jackass.

  “Motherfucker or Shit-titty?” I suggested.

  “Or BPBS,” Zelda said with a giggle. “However Shit-titty has a lovely ring to it.”

  “Should I ask a question that I don’t want an answer to?” Fabio inquired, paling considerably.

  “I always do,” Zelda volunteered with a grin. “I say go for it.”

  “Fine.” Fabio sighed dramatically and ran his hand through his red hair that was identical to his daughter’s. “What does BPBS stand for?”

  Grinning at the thought of the look on Sperm Donor’s face when I insulted his nads, I laughed. “Barely Perfumed Ball Sac, but it’s too long.”

  “Sweet Goddess,” Fabio choked out.

  “How about assmonkey?” Jeeves suggested, ignoring Fabio and kissing Baby Henry on the head. “That’s a favorite of yours.”

  I nodded and scooped Baby Audrey from Mac’s arms and cuddled her close. The babies were so calming and smelled delicious. “Assmonkey is a favorite of mine, but that’s what I call our chipmunks. It’s become a term of endearment—way too loving for Bermanbutthole.”

  “Just don’t call him Dad,” Fabio said, glancing over at his daughter. “Dad has to be earned.”

  Zelda grinned and blew her delighted dad a kiss. While that was neat to see, I had problems and a burning need to blow something up.

  Pacing the floor and holding Audrey tight, I tried to make sense of all the ridiculous emotions ping-ponging inside me. I usually resorted to demolishing large structures when I didn’t want to deal with having to feel. However, I was trying to check my penchant for property damage.

  I hated when Jeeves was disappointed in me and my blowing up buildings was not one of his favorite qualities of mine. Granted, I was good at it… and it did come in handy sometimes.

  “Can you keep a secret?” a little voice questioned inside my head.

  Glancing up sharply, I scanned the room to see who was talking. No one. No one was talking. What in the ever-loving hell? This was a bad time for me to go crazy. I had too much to do today.

  I’d imagined the voice… or maybe I was just hungry.

  Crossing the room at a clip, I yanked the bowl of overly mixed dough out of Marge’s hands and sat down on the couch with Audrey. Scooping a large spoonful into my mouth made the possibility of me saying anything stupid downright impossible.

  Damn this was good—a little chewy, but freakin’ delicious.

  “Don’t be scared. It’s me, Audrey,” the little voice continued.

  Thank the Goddess I was sitting down and had a wad of dough in my mouth or I would have screamed and dropped the baby.

  “Don’t let on that I’m talking to you. It would freak my mommy out and Henry will snore at nap time on purpose if he knows I’m talking.”

  “Umm… okay,” I told her, without moving my mouth. Goddess, this was cool. “How come your mommy and daddy can’t know yet?”

  “It’s not time, and Daddy wouldn’t be able to hear us anyway,” she replied. “He’s a werewolf.”

  “How are you talking to me?”

  “Because you are like us, silly Sassy.”

  I glanced down at the gorgeous, diaper-clad baby in my arms as she smiled and drooled. I wasn’t a baby and I wasn’t a werewolf. We were both witches, but there were quite a few witches in the room. She was a girl and I was a girl, but so were Zelda and Cookie Witch. Why was I special?

  “You have darkness and light in you, Sassy Pants,” Baby Audrey explained, popping her thumb into her mouth and snuggling closer.

  “Shit, I thought so… Oh crapbaskets, sorry. I shouldn’t say bad words to a baby. You are a baby, right?” Goddess, I was confused here.

  “Yep, but you’re easy.”

  “Not anymore,” I protested, wildly insulted. “I stopped being a semi-hooker the second I laid eyes on Jeeves.”

  “Oh Sassy, you’re so funny. I meant that you are dark and light. Just like me and Henry and Mommy. Plus, you’re easy to reach since you’re a mind walker.

  “Gotcha,” I said, relieved. I didn’t need the youth of Assjacket thinking I was a streetwalker. “So do you want me to give everyone a message or something? And just a heads up, I don’t speak French at all.”

  “No worries. I don’t either. The message is for you.”

  My stomach clenched and I peeked up to see if anyone was staring at me. Thankfully they were all talking amongst themselves—except for Cookie Witch. She was eyeing me with curiosity.

  “Shoot. I think Marge might be onto us.”

  Baby Audrey blew a raspberry and pulled on my hair. “Your dad still has a little light left in him. You will be the reason he comes back to us or falls so far into the dark he will never be able to.”

  “Wanna be more specific? I do better with detailed instructions—pictures would be helpful too.”

  “That’s all I know, Sassy Pants. But also know this… you are very special and meant for greatness.”

  “You think I’ll get the lead in Sharknado?” I asked, getting excited. I mean, if Baby Audrey could see the future, I may as well find out early.

  “What’s Sharknado?” she asked.

  “Nothing. I was just… never mind. Do I need to know anything else?”

  Baby Audrey’s eyes were closing. I was sure it probably took a lot out of her to communicate. Goddess knew it wore my ass out to make myself understood.

  “Let Marge out of the deal. It will be too painful for her.”

  “Got it, I feel kind of shitty—whoops, bad—about that one anyway. Does this mean I don’t have to take her job?”

  “Not my decision to make,” Baby Audrey said, sleepily. “Fate will guide you.”

  “But Fate’s a bitch… sorry… I meant, Fate’s a butthole.”

  “Everyone can be a butthole at times—even you and me. Oh, and call your dad, Dada. My daddy cries when I do that.”

  “Your daddy cries?” I was shocked. It was difficult to imagine Mac crying at all. He was one of the most stoic people I’d ever come across.

  “All daddies cry over their daughters because they love them. I promise.”

  “Can we talk again?” I asked.

  “Only if the Goddess lets us. She loves you.”

  And then she fell asleep.

  Baby Audrey had made a few good points and a few redonkulous ones. I was still slightly shocked that we’d just had a covert conversation.

  And I had my doubts about the Goddess loving me. If she did, she sure had a funny way of showing it—my butt cheek was still sore from her love.

  And the part about dads loving their daughters was bullshit, but Audrey was just a baby after all. She only knew her own dad and Mac was the best daddy in the world.

  However, it was good to know that along with the dark magic which I’d clearly inherited from my dad, that I was also capable of light. I supposed my Egg Donor was light. Well at least she’d given me that. Goddess knew she didn’t give me much else.

  “Alrighty then,” I said, handing off a sleeping Baby Audrey to Zelda. “I have a plan. I’m pulling it out of my ass, so just hear me out.”

  Everyone in the room looked a bit terrified. I took that as a good sign.

  “First off, I take back the deal, Cookie Witch. You do not have to date my father. That was a mean and shitastic thing I did there.”

  “But…” Marge said until I stopped her with my hand.

  “You pissed me of
f and I had no clue you would say yes. I was just trying to get out of having to take your job. I’ll suck at it. I know this for a fact. I was trying to save the world from me.”

  “Sweet Goddess on a bender,” Fabio gasped out and grabbed the table for purchase. “Sassy is taking Marge’s job?”

  “Can it, Fabdudio,” Zelda snapped at her dad. “Sassy is getting smarter. We haven’t lost one building in Assjacket in a week.”

  “And that’s smarter?” Fabio questioned, completely bewildered.

  “Do you value your nads?” Zelda inquired as her fingers began to sizzle.

  “Stop,” I yelled. “Fabdudio is right. I’m not the sharpest bulb in the ocean.”

  “Tool in the shed,” Jeeves corrected me gently with a grin and a kiss to my lips. “And I’d have to disagree.”

  “With what?” I asked, wanting to kiss him again. He never made me feel dumb. Never.

  “You are smart and you’re loving and gifted. Do not underestimate yourself, my Sassy.”

  “He’s right,” Marge chimed in. “You might not be, um… book smart… but the Goddess wouldn’t have chosen you if you were incapable.”

  “The Goddess is a…” I slapped my hand over my mouth and prayed that I wouldn’t be zapped for what I was thinking.

  “Dang it,” Zelda hissed, sniffing the air. “Do you smell it?”

  “Smell what?” Mac asked alarmed.

  “I do,” I said, glancing around the room wildly.

  The atmosphere in the room went from confused and apprehensive to windy and weird on a dime. Sparkles in a rainbow of colors whipped through the living room and kitchen of Zelda and Mac’s house blowing everyone around the area willy-nilly.

  Mac grabbed the babies and shielded them from the magical storm. Marge rolled her eyes and Zelda swore like a sailor. Jeeves sheltered me with his large strong body and pulled me close.

  The only one grinning like an idiot was Fabio.

  “Incoming,” Fabio yelled with glee.

  Of course he was happy. His freak of a girlfriend was about to pay a visit.

  Chapter Nine