A Tale Of Two Witches

by Robyn Peterman

  What pissed me off? Hmm… My unfeeling father. My uncaring mother. The witches from the orphanage. The Goddess when she zapped my ass. Ice when it melted in my cup and made my soda watery. When they switched Darrins on Bewitched and said nothing to any of us. People speaking French all the time.

  All those things pissed me off, but they were kind of meaningless. Most of my angry choices were made in my past, but I wasn’t letting my past define me anymore.

  Or was I?

  Honestly, I was happy right now. Happier than I’d ever been in my life.

  “Okay, fine. The pissed part won’t work. Move on to let it rip.” I knew how to let it rip, but I realized I didn’t want to. Shitballs. What was wrong with me? I was just going to have to fake it.

  Glancing down the street I could feel the tension. Goddess, I was tense, too. I didn’t want to use my dark magic. I was afraid if I used it, it would use me right back, and possibly use me up. Not to mention the horns. I didn’t want to grow horns. I’d have a fucking fit if nasty ass horns sprouted out of my awesome blonde hair.

  There had to be another way.

  Being pissed made me blow up buildings. Blowing up buildings made me feel bad. Feeling bad made me pissed so I blew up more buildings. Goddess, I was pretty sure there was a pattern here. Bad just created more bad.

  Happy created more happy. Right?

  Decisions made me dizzy and thinking positively sucked.

  Wait. One. Freakin’. Minute.

  We were going about this all wrong. Waving my hands I poofed right back to a startled Zelda and Fabio.

  “What the hey hey?” Zelda gasped out, placing her hand over her heart. “You scared the pee out of me. What’s the problem?”

  “Seriously?” I asked, checking the crotch of her pants.

  “No, you dumbass. It’s an expression.”

  “French?” I asked, giving her the evil eye.

  “Umm… yes,” she said with an eye roll. “Sorry about that. So what’s the problem?”

  “Why are we using dark magic to ward against dark magic?” I questioned.

  She and Fabio just stared and stared… and stared some more.

  “Look, I know occasionally I’m a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but doing that doesn’t make sense. Seems like we should make this place so fucking happy that the dark will bounce off.”

  Their silence unnerved me and their open mouths made me feel silly. What did I expect? Ideas weren’t my forte—just ask my Virginia—but I was sure I was onto something.

  Dropping my chin to my chest, I sighed. “Sorry, I just thought…”

  “That’s fucking brilliant,” Zelda shouted and tackle hugged me. “That was the most profound thing that has ever passed your lips.”

  “Really?” I asked, grinning so wide my mouth hurt. “It makes sense?”

  “Complete sense,” Fabio said, helping us both to our feet. “Sassy, you have humbled me.”

  “And me,” Zelda added.

  “And me,” Jeeves chimed in.

  “Did you hear my idea too?” I asked, wrapping my arms around Jeeves and laying my head on his chest.

  “Nope, but I’m with you always,” he said with a smile that completed me and made my girlie parts tingle.

  “Can I tell the town?” I asked, more excited than I got on Halloween morning.

  “Have at it, Sassy Pants,” Zelda said as she gave me a little push to our people. “It’s your turn to shine.”

  Walking slowly with my head held high and Jeeves at my side, I approached our people. They watched me with curiosity and fear. Groaning inwardly, I wished that I was smarter like Zelda, or kinder like Jeeves, but I wasn’t. I was me—Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants. However, I’d come up with a plan that would keep my friends safe and wouldn’t wipe Assjacket off the face of the earth.

  It felt good.

  I felt good.

  Maybe I was becoming good—or at least a little better.

  “We’re not going to use dark magic,” I explained, bouncing with joy as sighs of relief expelled from all the lips of those listening. “We’re going to put a spell on this place that makes it so fucking happy that the dark magic will bounce off and keep us safe.”

  “Wonderful,” Wanda the raccoon and owner of the Assjacket Diner said, with a huge smile on her lovely face. “Did Zelda come up with the brilliant idea?”

  “Umm… no,” I told her.

  “Fabio?” Bob asked.

  “No… I,” I tried to explain.

  “Cookie Witch must have,” Roger called out.

  “Nope.”

  “Was it Mac?” Simon the skunk inquired kindly trying to help me out.

  “Uh, no, I…”

  “Had to have been Jeeves then,” DeeDee the deer Shifter told the crowd, who all nodded and smiled at Jeeves.

  All of my excitement at having come up with a non-violent plan withered away as I realized how little faith anyone had in me. They were right. Why would anyone believe in me? I didn’t even believe in me.

  “Sassy came up with the brilliant idea,” Jeeves said, speaking more sternly than I’d ever heard him. “Not Zelda, Mac, Cookie Witch or me. My Sassy thought it up—all by herself.”

  Heads bowed instantly in contrition as Jeeves narrowed his silver-blue eyes at the crowd in displeasure. No one liked it when the nicest man in the world was disappointed in you. No one.

  “Damn right, she did,” Zelda added, stepping up next to Jeeves and pulling me forward. “Sassy might be violent, have a few grammar issues, and a penchant for borrowing things and returning them in unrecognizable states, but she’s also got a terrific fashion sense. Not to mention, she fearlessly entered the minds of some really bad dudes to save us a few months ago and didn’t even blow their heads off. I call that great progress.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered, staring at my hands. I was too afraid to look up at all my friends gathered. Their doubt and fear would undo me. I’d had too much of that in my life.

  “Ijustwanttopointoutthatshetookusinwhennoonewantedus,” Chunk informed everyone.

  “What in the hell did he just say?” Mac muttered as he joined Jeeves, Zelda and me.

  “He said that our mommy loves us when no one else would even give us a chance,” Chad volunteered as my boys joined the group standing before our town.

  “Sassy might not have the finest memory for detail, and maybe she waxes cats on occasion, but she voluntarily gave up carbs when Zelda was overeating during her pregnancy,” Fabio told the crowd, patting me on the back and kissing the top of my head. “I say she’s a hero.”

  “You kind of blackmailed me into doing that,” I reminded him with a tiny wince.

  “Semantics,” Fabio said lovingly.

  I had no clue what he meant since he was talking in French again, but the twinkle in his eyes as he winked at me kept me from zapping his ass.

  “And just so you folks know,” Marge said, joining our group and taking my hand in hers, “Sassy has been chosen by our Goddess to take over for me when I retire. If the Goddess believes in her, I believe in her.”

  “I believe in Sassy,” Jeeves announced in a voice so strong and full of love, it made my eyes fill.

  “As do we,” Zelda and Mac said.

  “And me too,” Fabio added.

  “We believe in our mommy!” Chad, Chip and Chutney shouted.

  “Mymommywillwaxyourassesifyoudontbelieve,” Chuck added, making me cringe.

  I finally understood the little fucker for the first time and it was kind of appalling. While I appreciated the support, I was glad most of my friends wouldn’t understand that he’d just threatened that I’d wax anyone who didn’t believe in me.

  However, it was an interesting idea…

  “I believe,” Roger called out, surprising me and making me glance up. “And I’d also like to point out that while some rabbits have poor foreplay habits, I’ve never weewee’d on anyone.”

  “Congratulations, Roger,” someone called out
for the crowd.

  “Thank you,” he replied warmly.

  The fear I thought I would see in the eyes of my people wasn’t there—at all. Everyone was smiling… at me.

  “I believe in Sassy,” Wanda announced.

  “I believe in Sassy,” Bob said, with an exaggerated unibrow waggle that made me grin.

  And then a chorus of voices washed over me professing their belief. It was one of the most overwhelming moments I’d ever had. Light magic burst from my fingers and rained down on the town covering the good folk of Assjacket in pink bouncing crystals. Laughter—theirs. And tears—mine. It was every kind of unimaginable for someone like me.

  Or maybe it didn’t have to be…

  “Now let’s get this party started,” Zelda said, elbowing me with a wide grin on her happily flushed face. “I’m ready when you are, friend.”

  “I’m ready. I’ve never been more ready.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “One quick question,” Roger asked with his hand raised politely.

  “Shoot,” Zelda replied, rolling her neck and popping her knuckles in preparation for the spell we were about to cast.

  “Will there be any property damage during this display of sorcery?”

  “Sassy?” Zelda questioned with a raised brow.

  I wrinkled my nose in thought—something new for me. “I’m gonna go with a highly probable yes on that. Even though we’re using light magic, both Zelda and I tend to be slightly-to-highly out of control in the mayhem department. Putting our unruly expertise together could result in an unintentional shitshow of shitastic proportions.”

  I’d never seen so many open mouthed gapes aimed at me in my life. Did I give the wrong answer? Damn it, I must have.

  “Sweet Goddess in combat boots,” Zelda crowed with delight and slapped me on the back so hard I fell forward. “Sassy! You were speaking French!”

  As I crawled back up to my feet, an uncontrollable grin spread across my lips that would take weeks to remove. “I was?” I squealed, delighted with myself.

  “Yes, my love. You were,” Jeeves said, with a wink. “Now get to work, Sassy Pants.”

  “Everyone back up,” Fabio advised. “I’d stay away from the buildings and for the love of the Goddess, don’t stand under a tree.”

  Our friends scattered, but not in abject terror. They were used to the hot messes we created with our magic. We were both still finding our groove with the big spells—and we’d never tried anything together before.

  “You want to do the spell? Or should I?” I asked Zelda, as I gently pushed Jeeves and the boys to safety.

  “We’re both going to do the spell,” Zelda informed me with an excited grin. “We need more than just one witch on this puppy.”

  “So we’re gonna wing it?”

  “That’s one way to put it. Another is that we’re gonna pull it out of our asses.”

  “I’m in,” I promised with a laugh. “You first?”

  “Yep, and you finish it off,” she instructed. “Oh and I find profanity is very helpful—spices it up.”

  “Got it.”

  We stood in the middle of the street and held hands. The air around us changed—it was charged with enchantment and tickled my nose. A light fragrant breeze blew up and filled the air with sparkling purple magic. It blew my hair around my head and I felt free and strong. Magic was part of me. It was a part I loved.

  And then Zelda spoke.

  Goddess on high, hear my call,

  Fucking darkness is coming, we must make it stall

  Give us the strength to protect those that we love

  We need your help, your blessings from above

  It was my turn and I had no clue what to say. Zelda was really good—the fucking part was positively inspired. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I spoke from my heart.

  Goddess on high, my ass still hurts

  You can be such a butthole for zapping holes in my skirts

  But into our world comes a stanky dark blot

  Surround us with much love, so it defeats Bermangogglesnot

  Bermangogglerot, Bermangoggleasstrot, Bermangoggletrolltwat, Bermangogglestankclot…

  Umm …

  “You done?” Zelda asked, getting a little concerned.

  “Not quite. I wanted to give her some choices.”

  “Did you seriously just say twat to the Goddess?” she asked with a wince.

  “Yes. Yes, I did. Was it too much?”

  Zelda glanced up at the sky and shrugged. “She hasn’t zapped our behinds yet, so I’m guessing it’s okay.”

  “Cool,” I said heaving out a huge sigh of relief. “I just have a little more.”

  “Go for it.”

  And I did.

  Goddess on high, please hear my plea

  I’ve learned the hard way that love isn’t free

  This place is my haven, it’s perfect and kind

  Keep it safe from the evil, smite the darkness—make it blind

  I swear on my Prada and love for my mate, I place my faith in your hands—give you my fate

  I’d prefer to live through this, I have freakin’ shitloads to do

  So don’t be a butthole, guide us strong—guide us true

  Bathe Assjacket in love, and let the… um… cows continue to moo or poo…

  Wait. Moo is better.

  Let the cows moo!

  “So mote it be,” Marge shouted to the sky as a huge silver ball of magic exploded and burst into miniature sparkling snowflakes drifting down and covering the town in diamond-like glitter.

  The cheers were loud and I’d never been hugged so much in my life. I could feel the spell had taken hold. As far as the eye could see, we were surrounded by a sheer iridescent bubble of light. The Goddess was not a butthole today—not even a little bit.

  “The cow poo part was… interesting,” Zelda said with a giggle as she caught the magic snowflakes on her tongue and danced around me.

  “I got a little stuck at the end there,” I told her with grin. “But it worked.”

  I made a glitter ball with the flakes and lobbed it at her head.

  “That it did,” Fabio announced proudly, taking both of us into his arms and squishing us hard.

  Jeeves yanked me from Fabio’s embrace and swung me around until I was dizzy with joy. Kissing me soundly on the lips, he whispered in my ear. “Sassy Pants, my love is free and I freely give it to you. Always.”

  I thought my heart would explode because it was feeling so many feels at once. “That’s not how I meant it,” I told him, staring into his beautiful eyes. “What I meant was love needs love to survive. You have to take care of it. You can love, but if you’re not loved back, it can die.”

  Jeeves was quiet in the midst of the joyous chaos around us. His expression was thoughtful and so very beautiful. “So many people love you Sassy.”

  “And I love them back,” I told him truthfully, not following.

  “You do,” he agreed, bouncing on his toes and making me want to tackle him and kiss him silly. “How about sharing a little of that love with yourself? I don’t want any part of you to die. Ever.”

  It took a lot to make me speechless, but Jeeves just had. It gave me something to think about. Normally, thinking sucked ass, but it was getting easier with each passing day.

  “How long will the spell last?” Wanda asked, patting me on the back in congratulations.

  “At least a week,” I told her. I had no clue how I knew this, but I did. I supposed the Goddess had whispered it to me.

  Zelda barreled over with Mac in tow and gave me an enthusiastic high five that stung my hand. Dang, she was strong.

  “I say we call it a day. Somehow I know that the ward will last the week. I say we call on your Sperm Donor tomorrow. Have a few big O’s tonight and get an hour or so of sleep. You feel me?”

  “Yep, I feel you.”

  It was a plan. It was a good plan. Magic made me horny and I had just the recipe to fix that.


  Chapter Thirteen

  “Did you tuck her in?” Jeeves asked softly as he entered the front door of our home and quietly shut it behind him.

  Nodding, I dropped onto the couch and let my head fall back in exhaustion. “Are the boys okay sleeping outside again?”

  “Are you kidding?” Jeeves asked with a chuckle. “They prefer it. I’m thinking of building a tree house for them.”

  “You’re such a good daddy,” I told him patting the seat on the couch next to me. “Did you know Cookie Witch doesn’t really have anywhere to go?”

  “I figured as much,” Jeeves replied, pulling me onto his lap and burying his nose in my hair. “The wrinkle where she lived is gone.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Don’t know. Maybe the Goddess wanted to force Marge back into the world of the living and gave her a little push.”

  “The Goddess is such a wanky butthole sometimes,” I mumbled, as I concentrated on unbuttoning Jeeves’ shirt to get to the man candy underneath.

  Glancing in alarm up at the ceiling, Jeeves sighed in relief when he spotted no bolt of lightning blasting through. “You might want to refrain from calling the Goddess names combined with the word hole. She’s apparently giving you a pass this evening.”

  Giggling, I agreed. My mouth was going to keep getting me into trouble with our creator. I was certain of it, but I was pretty sure she liked me now.

  “Wanna take this to the bedroom?” Jeeves inquired in a sexy voice and picked me up as if I weighed nothing.

  “I most certainly do. It would be all kinds of embarrassing to get caught bumping uglies by Cookie Witch. Can’t you just imagine me riding you like a cowboy and Marge, Chip, Chad, Chunk and Chutney walking in?”

  “Are you trying do deflate my happy camper?” Jeeves asked with a shudder as he tossed me on the bed, trapped my arms over my head and touched his nose to mine.

  Wiggling underneath him, I laughed and arched up. The very hard evidence that his happy camper was still happy pressed against my stomach. “Seems to me your very impressive dude is doing just fine.”

  “I know what would make him happier,” he said in a gruff tone that made my Virginia sing.