The Confusion

by Neal Stephenson

  Monsieur Bernard did not need to be summoned. Using his billiard-cue as cane, he staggered over—for he had perfected his Jew act—and bent close to Pontchartrain, rubbing his hands together.

  "Monsieur Bernard! I have dough."

  "I believe it, monseigneur."

  "I should like to see, oh, a hundred pieces of dough transferred safely and swiftly to the hands of Monsieur Dubois in London."

  "Hold!" commanded Mercury, "you do not yet know the identity of your payee in London."

  "Very well—make the Bill endorsable to one of my agents, to be determined later."

  "It shall be done, my lord!" announced "Bernard," who then leered up at Eliza for his cue.

  "Go and tell your friend," Eliza said.

  "Don't I get anything?"

  "Monsieur! You have got the word of the contrôleur-général of France! What more could you possibly ask for?"

  "I was just asking," said "Bernard" a little bit resentfully, and then crab-walked across the Petit Salon to "Lyon," where his billiards-partner awaited. "Mon vieux, bonjour. Monsieur le comte de Pontchartrain has dough and wants a hundred pieces of it in London."

  "Very well," said "Castan" after some sotto voce prompting from Mercury. "Lothar, if you would get a hundred pieces of dough to our man in London, I shall give you a hundred and ten pieces of dough here."

  "Heavens! Where is this dough?" Étienne demanded—a bit confused, for in the first run-through, he had been given actual silver.

  "I don't have any just now," said "Castan," who had been a bit quicker than Étienne to see where this was going, "but my friend Monsieur Bernard has heard from Monsieur le comte de Pontchartrain who has heard from Mercury himself that there is dough aplenty, and so, in the sight of all these good Lyonnaise—"

  "We call them le Dépôt," put in Eliza, indicating several persons who had gathered round the basset-table to watch.

  "—I say that I shall pay you a hundred and ten pieces of dough any day now."

  "Very well," said "Lothar," after looking up at Eliza for permission.

  Now some time was spent in draughting the necessary papers. Meanwhile Eliza had thrust her hands into a great warm ellipsoid of bread-dough that had been fetched out of the kitchens by a cook, and torn it apart into two pieces, a small and a large. The small she placed in an empty fruit-bowl, which she took into the Grand Salon and slammed down on a gilded sideboard near the backgammontable, astonishing Madame de Bearsul. "Tear this in half, and continue tearing the halves in half, until you have thirty-two pieces of dough," decreed "Mercury," then stormed away before de Bearsul could pout or fret. Eliza fetched the great bowl containing the larger amount of dough, and set it into the arms of the young banker she had posted in "Amsterdam." Three younger guests, eight to twelve years of age, had already converged on the sideboard, overturned the fruit-bowl, and begun tearing the dough into bits. "Very good, you are the English Mint, and that is the Tower of London," Eliza informed them. Then, because they were being a bit too enthusiastic, she cautioned them: "Remember, I desire only thirty or so."

  "We thought a hundred!" said the oldest of the children.

  "Yes; but there is not enough dough in London to make so many."

  By now the paperwork had been settled in "Lyon." A new wrinkle had been added: this time, "Lothar" made the Bill out, not to "Dubois" but to "Castan," who was sitting across the table from him. "Castan" then had to flip it over and write on the back that he was transferring the Bill to Monsieur Dubois. It was due in fifteen minutes. "Castan," handed it to "Dubois" on the outskirts of "Lyon" at 4:12 and "Dubois," after a detour for a thimble of cognac, arrived in "London" at 4:14 and handed it to "Punchinello," who compared it as before to the avisa, and checked the time. She was just about to write "accepted" across it when ever-diligent "Mercury" stayed her hand.

  "Stop! Think. Your solvency, your credit hang in the balance. How many pieces of dough do you have?"

  The eyes of "Punchinello" strayed towards the "Tower of London," where thirty-two dough-balls were arrayed eight by four.

  "Those don't belong to you," said Mercury. She scooped them into the fruit-bowl and handed it to the Lavardac cousin who was pretending to be Lothar's factor in London.

  Madame de Bearsul was starting to get it. "I'm going to be needing those—I've a note from your uncle, right here, says you owe me a hundred."

  "I don't have a hundred!" complained the young banker.

  "Mercury comes to the rescue, as usual!" announced Eliza. "Does anyone else here in London have dough?"

  "I've got a great bowl of it," said an adolescent voice from the next room.

  "You're not in London!" answered "Mercury." And she turned to the "London" nephew and gave him an expectant look.

  "Cousin! Come in here and bring me some of the family dough!" he called.

  The young man with the dough-bowl staggered into the room. Whereupon Eliza gave the nod to a pair of six-year-old boys who had been crouching in a corner with wooden swords. They rushed out and began to batter the dough-bearer about the shins and ankles. "Augh!" he cried.

  "Pirate attack in the North Sea!" Eliza announced.

  The dough-carrier was hindered badly by his inability to see the little boca-neers, for the bowl blocked his view. Nevertheless, after having been chased several times around the entirety of Britain, he arrived in port some minutes later (4:20) listing badly to starboard, and upended the bowl, dumping out the dough-load at the Tower of London. "Hurry!" said Eliza, "only five minutes remaining until the Bill expires!"

  And it was a near thing; but working feverishly, and with some help from Eliza, the Coiners were able to get the balance of Lothar's London correspondent up above one hundred dough-pieces by 4:23. This was slammed down triumphantly before "Signore Punchinello," who disgustedly shoved it across the table into the embrace of "Pierre Dubois." It was 4:27 exactly. The entire crowd, players, audience, and servants alike, now burst into applause, thinking that the play was over. The only exceptions were Monsieur le chevalier d'Erquy, who had been left holding the dough, and the twin six-year-old pirates who—not satisfied with the amount of swordplay, swash-buckling, and derring-do in the play thus far—had begun trying to sever his hamstrings and Achilles tendons with blunt force trauma.

  "In all seriousness, Mercury," complained d'Erquy, "how are the coins to be transported from London to the front? For if half of what is said of England is true, the place is full of runagates, Vagabonds, highwaymen, and varlets of all stripes."

  "Never fear," said Eliza, "if you only wait a few days, the front will come to you, and French and Irish troops will march in good order to your doorstep in the Strand to receive their pay!" Which prompted a patriotic cheer and a standing ovation, and even a couple of tossed bouquets, from the crowd.

  "But if I may once again play the rôle of the uncouth banker," said Étienne—who had abandoned his post in "Lyon" to watch the denouement—"why on earth should the English Mint strike coins whose purpose is to finance a foreign invasion of England?"

  This quieted the crowd so profoundly that Étienne felt rather bad about it, and began to formulate what showed every sign of being a lengthy and comprehensive apology. But Eliza was having none of it. "You don't know England!" she said, "But I do, for I am Mercury. England has factions. The one that rules now is called the Tories, and they make no secret that they loathe the Usurper, and want him out. Indeed, our invasion plans are predicated, are they not, on the assumption that the English Navy will look the other way as our fleets cross the Channel, and that the common folk of England, and much of the Army, will joyfully throw off the yoke of the Dutchman and welcome our French and Irish soldiers with open arms. If we grant all of these assumptions, why, there is no difficulty in supposing that the Tory masters of the Mint will strike a few coins for the House of Hacklheber—"

  "Or whichever bank we elect to deal with," put in Pontchartrain.

  "—without asking too many awkward questions as to where those co
ins are intended to end up."

  "Yes—I see the whole thing now as if you have painted a picture," said Étienne. At which most of the party-guests attempted to get faraway looks in their eyes, as though gazing raptly at the same picture that Étienne was viewing in his mind's eye.

  Though there were exceptions: "Samuel Bernard," unable or unwilling to let go of the scheming-Jew impersonation that had garnered him so many laughs and so much attention, was still back in the Petit Salon, storming to and fro between "Paris" and "Lyon," waving his stick around and demanding to know when he was going to see some of this dough that Monsieur le comte de Pontchartrain had spoken of so convincingly; and "Castan," his partner in billiards, finance, and (now) drinking (for they had got control of a decanter of something brown), was also beginning to make himself heard on the matter. "What are they on about?" inquired Étienne.

  "Don't worry, ‘Lothar the Banker,' " said Eliza. "You will be paid back."

  Étienne's brow furrowed. "That's right—I quite forgot! I haven't seen any dough! Is that what those two are so upset about?"

  Pontchartrain intervened, sharing a warm private look with Eliza. "Those two, monsieur, have just discovered something called liquidity risk."

  "It sounds dreadful!"

  "Never mind, Monsieur le duc. It is a phantom. We do not have such things in France."

  "That's fortunate," said the duc d'Arcachon. "They were starting to make me a bit anxious—and I'm not even a banker!"

  12 APRIL 1692

  Mein Herr,

  PRIDE is a vice to which a woman is no less susceptible than a man, and I, perhaps, more than other women. PRIDE, like other vices, is arrogant of what room it can claim in the human breast, and jealous of that occupied by the Virtues, which it ever seeks to trample on or drive out.

  When I rushed to little Johann's nursery eighteen months ago to discover his cradle empty, a war began within my soul. On one side was the Virtue of Love: a mother's natural love for her child. On the other was the Vice of Pride: pride wounded, aggrieved, and humiliated. It was not merely that I had been bested, but that it had happened while I was far away attending a fashionable soirée, rather than staying at home and tending to my duties as a mother. Pride, therefore, was urged on by Shame; and together their legions charged across the field and swept Love's feebler forces before them. All that I have done since then, where Johann is concerned, has been dictated by Pride. Love's counsel has rarely been heard, and when I have heard it, I have wilfully ignored it.

  But the soul harbors its own tides. Much has changed in eighteen months. I have a new little boy now. Impetuous Pride, I have learned, is better at seizing ground than holding it. Love's inroads have insensibly made up all the ground that she lost, and more. This letter may be considered the instrument of Pride's surrender, and Love's victory. It only remains for terms to be negotiated.

  Of course you have already dictated the terms; you laid them out with admirable clarity in the note that was left in Johann's crib. You seek the return of the gold that was seized off Bonanza in August of 1690 and that is believed to be in the hands of the band of thieves and pirates led by the villain Jack Shaftoe. You phant'sy that I had something to do with the theft and that I know where Jack is to be found.

  In truth I had nothing to do with it and I have no idea where he is. But this is a prideful response, which brings me no closer to seeing my little boy again. The loving response is to give you, sir, what you want, to appease your anger and balm your wounds, though it be never so humiliating to me, your humble and obedient servant.

  So: though I cannot return the gold, and do not know where Jack is, I shall protest no more, but do all in my power to give you what I can in compensation.

  As to the whereabouts of Jack Shaftoe: no one knows this, though Father Édouard de Gex and Monsieur Bonaventure Rossignol have devised a scheme to ferret him out. One of the members of his pirate-band writes letters, from time to time, to his family in France. These letters are intercepted and read by Monsieur Rossignol, who, however, is unable to extract all of their meaning, as they are written in an impenetrable code. He makes copies of them and passes them on to the family.

  The family are coffee merchants who until recently lived as paupers in Paris. Then they were discovered by Madame la duchesse d'Oyonnax, who as you may know is the cousine of de Gex. She began to serve their coffee exclusively at her salon, and soon enough de Maintenon herself, at her levée, was heard to ask for coffee of this marque, and in no time at all, this family had established a coffeehouse in the village of Versailles, where they serve a steady walk-in trade as well as purveying beans to the royal château and the other estates that abound in this area.

  Obviously de Gex is behind this. For where previously the family in question were dispersed among various prisons and poorhouses around Paris, now they are all dwelling together in one house in Versailles where the Cabinet Noir can easily keep an eye on them. As I have mentioned, all of the letters that are sent to France by their brother who is a member of Jack Shaftoe's pirate-band are passed on to them, in the hopes that they will write back to him, and in so doing, divulge something to M. Rossignol. So far this has not been productive of useful information. The family do not write back. This appears to be because they have nowhere to write back to. For the ship of L'Emmerdeur and his band is wandering all over the Red Sea and the Persian Gulf, so that trying to intercept it with a letter posted from Paris is akin to trying to strike a horsefly with a round fired from a siege-mortar. Nevertheless, the scheme that M. Rossignol and Fr. de Gex have devised to trace Jack's movements is well-conceived and likely to bear fruit sooner or later. When it does, I shall be in a position to know about it, and will pass the information on to you.

  As to the gold you lost: since I cannot satisfy you where this is concerned, I have resolved to compensate you, inasmuch as that is possible, by other means. I am well aware that the gold taken off Bonanza possesses special properties, the loss of which no amount of mundane silver and gold can make good. But until such time as the thieves are tracked down, there is nothing I can do but try to make up your losses in the only way I know how. I lost all of my personal assets shortly after Johann was born, and so have no money of my own that I could send you. The property of my new family, the Lavardacs, is not at my disposal. I can dwell in the family residences, but not sell them. I can eat off the family plate, but not melt it down. However, my position does afford me a matchless vantage-point on the workings of French government finance. I frequently become aware of opportunities in this field from which a man in your position could reap considerable gains with little effort or risk. As a sort of down-payment or, if you will, interest on the lost gold of Bonanza—which I have every intention of repaying in full when it becomes possible—I present you, now, with such an opportunity—the first in what I hope will grow into a long series of profitable liaisons.

  Your agent in Lyon, Gerhard Mann, will presently be able to tell you more concerning this, but here it is in a nutshell: The French government needs to transfer silver to England to pay the French and Irish troops who will invade that country from around Cherbourg in late May. They were going to ship the silver over directly, but recently I have convinced them that it will be more efficient to make use of the existing commercial channels, viz. a Bill issued in Lyon against the credit of M. Castan (backed, it goes without saying, by France) and payable in silver coin in London. The Bill would need to be issued early in May and payable in late May or early June, and it would have to be transferable, since the identity of the French payee in London might not be known until later, and in any case, for obvious reasons, would need to be kept secret.

  Because this is being arranged at the last minute, during wartime, you could probably demand a very high fee, as these things go.

  Moreover, the transaction would involve relatively little risk for you. You may laugh at this, for it must sound absurd to claim that shipping silver to England in wartime is not risky; but it is true,
for the reason that the invasion probably will never happen. And if it does, it will fail. The entire plan is predicated on the assumption that the common people of England will welcome an invasion by French and Irish troops come to place a Catholic on the throne. Nothing more absurd can be imagined. You may easily verify this through your own excellent sources. So by far the most likely outcome is that the Bills you issue in Lyon will never reach England, and never be presented for payment; the transaction will be cancelled, and you shall get to keep the fee and the float on the funds transferred in Lyon. The worst possible outcome, then, is that the Bills are presented and accepted; but this would be nothing more than a routine, albeit large, transaction for the House of Hacklheber.

  I have done all in my power to predispose M. le comte de Pontchartrain, M. Bernard, and M. Castan to select the House of Hacklheber as its bank for this transaction. They show signs of favoring the idea; yet as you know, there is much competition in Lyon, and I do not have the power to compel them to deal with you. I shall continue to work discreetly on your behalf unless you write back requesting that I desist.

  In return I ask nothing, save that you might show me more favor than in the past, and consider allowing me to pay a brief visit (chaperoned if you wish) to little Johann, if I can find some way of getting to Leipzig.

  I am, mein Herr, your humble and obedient servant

  Eliza, duchesse d'Arcachon, comtesse de la Zeur

  12 APRIL 1692

  Majesty,

  By now you must have heard from a hundred different sources that an invasion of your Realm is being readied on the Cotentin Peninsula. You may even know that it is to set sail from Cherbourg during the third or fourth week in May. I shall not waste your time, then, belaboring these facts. I write to you, not as a spy for England, but as a champion of France. This invasion must never be allowed to go forward. It is a ruinously stupid plan. Its defeat will neither improve the security of England (since it is doomed in any case) nor bring England glory (since it is so feeble and ill-conceived). The French have convinced themselves otherwise. Somehow they have made themselves believe that all England is against your majesty, and that your majesty's Army and Navy are so riddled with secret Jacobites that they will declare their allegiance to James Stuart as soon as the signal is given; that the Royal Navy will suffer the French to cross the Channel in force, English regiments will make themselves scarce while a French beach-head is established in Wessex, and English people will welcome French and Irish invaders on their territory. Perhaps all of this is true; but to my ear it sounds absurd. I suspect that your spies and emissaries in France have been making a pretense of hostility to your majesty and whispering, into the ears of their French counterparts, all sorts of flattering and seductive nonsense about how England is poised for a Jacobite rebellion. If so, your majesty, the deception has worked all too well, and made the French so cocksure that they have laid plans, devised stratagems, and formulated resolves that seem to your humble and obedient servant like utter lunacy.