by Hawkes, Cora
He inhaled and squeezed my arm as he swiftly took me off his lap and onto the couch before standing.
"Do you want a drink?" he went to the kitchen without waiting for an answer or looking at me.
I let a breath go quickly and adjusted myself after he had dumped me hastily like a sack of potatoes. I was relieved that he had got up when he did because at that moment I don't think I would have been able to { bemys move away from him.
He had looked so concerned about me. I had witnessed a tender side to him that I knew few girls had. I closed my eyes as I remembered him hushing and whispering comforting words to me. What am I doing thinking like that? That path led to heartbreak, to madness and loss of the ability to act rationally.
I wanted to leave. I needed to be alone with my thoughts for a while. My dad had shocked me, I wondered how he had gotten my number.
My mum wouldn't have given it to him. While Scott was still in the kitchen I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and blanched at how awful I looked. My eyes were puffy and red, my lips full and I was pale. I splashed cold water over my face and finger-combed my hair as best as I could.
Scott was waiting for me when I returned. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, watching me from beneath hooded lashes as I walked back to the couch.
"You okay?"
I nodded, "Yeah, Im going to go," my voice was scratchy.
"I'm here if you need to talk about anything.”
I nodded again, "Thanks, but I really don't want to talk about things that are best forgotten." I couldn't talk to anybody about it. It was a part of my past that I planned on leaving firmly behind in England. "You won't tell anyone about that, will you?" I twisted my hands together nervously as I bit my lip.
His head cocked to the side watching me in that adorable way that made my heart jump, "Of course not.” His brows were drawn together, his mouth a tight line.
"I can't believe I cried all over you like that. I'm not usually a girl that cries, you know?"
"Babe, you sure you don't want to talk?" he was studying me.
I fidgeted under his gaze. I bet he hated girls that cried. I couldn't talk to him about this.
I shook my head and cringed as I felt the beginning of a headache, "I'm fine, really, I just–" How could I explain it all to him? He and my dad were alike in the way that they both loved their women. All my new friends here had no idea what I was, what I had been. I didn't want them to know either.
“Emma?” he was stood in front of me now, "You went away again."
"Sorry, I'm just gonna go. See you later?" I asked.
"Yeah," he walked me to the door. “Emma?” he said just as I was about to walk out.
"Yeah?" I looked over my shoulder.
"We're going to Soundz after Macy's tonight. You in?"
"Probably," I wanted nothing more than to get pissed right now and dance all the horrible feelings out of me.
ƀ
Chapter Thirteen
Once I was back in my apartment I called my mum.
"Hello, darling. How are you?" she asked in her light voice.
"I'm fine. Are you okay?" I asked. I didn't know if my dad had contacted her for my number.
She sighed, "He phoned you," she said knowingly and I knew that she gave him my number.
"How could you, mum?" I said gently, I didn't want to upset her more than she had already been upset. The last few months she had actually started to come out of herself like a squirrel coming out of hibernation after a long, harsh winter.
"He's your father, darling, I couldn't say no to him even if I..." she sighed again.
"I'm sorry, he caught me by surprise and I suppose I was just shocked." I always knew that there would be a time when he tried to contact me but I didn't think it would be so soon.
"I know, darling, but he sounds–" she paused, "–different."
"Oh no, mum, please don't."
"It's all right, Emmy, I know more than anyone how he gets."
"Mum, you're a beautiful woman," I got ready for the spiel, "no, you are a beautiful rich woman who has a kind heart, always helps others and you deserve to have a life!" I was getting angry and it was at times like this that I didn't regret what I had done so much. "We moved here to be with family and it's the right thing to do. You will meet someone that loves you like you deserve to be loved and I know you have a lot of love to give to someone who deserves it." I took a breath, "You have everything going for you, mum. Did I forget to say that you also have a very beautiful daughter who adores you?" I added because she deserved, needed to hear it more often than how often I actually told her.
I heard her chuckle, "I love you too, my heart."
After hanging up, my headache got worse so I laid on my bed for a while to try and get rid of it. My mind drifted to Scott and the way he had held me. He cared about me, I knew that much and I felt the same way about him but I felt guilty because of Adam. What would he think if he knew Scott had been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on? He would be hurt and I didn't want that on my conscious.
I awoke later to banging on my bedroom door.
“Emma?" Ash called.
"Come in.” I croaked, half asleep. I pulled myself up to test my head, my headache was gone.
"Are you okay?" She stood with her hands on her hips, worry written over her face.
"I had a headache," I looked at my phone to check the time. It was half six, I had been asleep for hours.
Ash's face softened as she come in and shut the door, "ut s hAre you feeling better now?"
"Yeah," I thought about telling her about dad’s call but I didn’t want to talk about it with her yet.
"Are you coming out tonight?"
I thought about staying in to finish some work but I wanted to get out. I didn't want to sit here on my own with my thoughts. "Yes, give me half hour and I'll meet you all there," I got up to turn the shower on.
"How did Scott's lesson go?" Ash searched my face.
"Good, he’s a lot better than he lets on."
"So, he hasn’t tried anything with you yet?"
I turned and frowned at her, "Why do you ask?"
She lifted her shoulders, "I was only asking."
"No, he hasn't," I looked away from her, my hand went to my bracelet. Had Scott ever tried it on with Ash? "Has he ever hit on you?"
She fidgeted and crossed her arms.
"Ash," I pressed, "have you ever slept with Scott?" I held my breath while waiting for the answer and I knew what it would be.
"Yes," she whispered and let her breath out in a whoosh. “It was years ago, well, about three actually."
She looked embarrassed and I wished I hadn't asked. "Oh."
"We've been friends since I can remember. In his senior year of high school — he changed, he was suddenly hot and I–oh God," she covered her face with her hands, "I went after him."
I came to sit beside her on the bed. I was shocked. Why hadn't she ever told me? Why hadn't Scott ever said anything?
"You remember me telling you that I was in love and I was sure he was the one?"
I nodded and groaned inwardly as I remembered her gushing about someone about three or four years ago.
"Well, that was Scott," she sighed.
"Shit, Ash, I had no idea.” A thought occurred to me then, “So, he was your boyfriend for a while?" I frowned, "I thought you said that he's never had a girlfriend."
"He wasn't my boyfriend, although I wanted him to be. I was popular in school and when my friends started crushing on him, I wanted to be the one to be able to call him my boyfriend first," she looked at me, wanting me to understand but I didn't.
How could she be so shallow? Why hadn't I listened more?
"What happened?" I needed to know.
"We were drinking and I came on to him.” She curled her lip, disgusted with herself. “Afterwards; he didn't talk to me for a week and I was embarrassed and hurt that he hug anhad treated me that way, like I was any oth
er girl. We had an argument and didn't talk for months. Everyone at school knew about it.” She shook her head. "I knew it was my own fault for pushing him when he didn't want me that way so in the end I valued his friendship more. We made up and have never looked back," she sighed.
"Do you still like him that way?" I asked.
She was quiet for a moment, "The thing is, I know he would make someone a great boyfriend – I'm jealous of that, but I don't think he'll ever settle. I do look at him sometimes and think, wow but that's the effect he has on all girls."
I looked away then. I knew all too well that he did.
"So, has he made a move on you?"
"No," I lied but I how could I say yes after what she had just told me?
"Good, He better not either."
After our
argument a few weeks ago he seemed to get the message. We had to keep it that way. If Ash found out about us she wouldn't be happy and Ash was my family. I couldn't upset her like that because I had a feeling that she still had feelings for him.
Ash left me to get ready. What a day, I thought, first Scott's lesson and then the phone call from my dad and then Ash telling me her and Scott had... I couldn't think about it.
ƀ
Chapter Fourteen
I showed up at Macy's a bit later than I said I would and Scott was already on stage. As I made my way through the crowd I felt his eyes on me and I looked at him and waved as normally as I could. He winked with a wicked grin while he sang.
"Hey, babe," Ad pulled me onto his lap and pushed two drinks towards me. "You missed the first two rounds but I kept them for you."
"Thanks," I knocked the first one back before picking the other one up to sip it.
"You okay?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
"Yeah." I was lucky to have him, I reminded myself. He was kind, loyal, and safe. I hadn't put a lot of time in on him lately and I wanted to show him that I appreciated him.
I leaned into him to whisper in his ear, "Want to dance with me?"
"Thought you'd never ask," he beamed and then we were getting up to dance to one of Scott's slower, balladsy songs.
I went into Ad's arms and we moved to the slow beat. I closed my eyes as I rested my head against his warm chest, feeling drained. Today had been one of those days that just should've been skipped, or maybe I shouldn't have got out of bed this morning. I thought to myself, inhaling deeply through my nose and releasing slowly. My thoughts turned to Ash and Scott, why hadn't she told me sooner about them?
I opened my eyes at that moment and looked into Scott's gaze. He was stood gripping the mic tightly with both hands, watching me, always watching me. I held his stare, as I moved with Adam holding me tightly, slowly. Was there anyone that hadn't been with him? Scott broke eye contact first and looked down putting his head on the mic through Bone's solo.
Ad didn't deserve this. He was a cool guy and it was as though I was cheating on him even though I wasn't really. My feelings towards Scott were more than friendly and I hated myself because Ad didn't know. I felt like I was making a fool of him. Scott was far from stupid, he knew when a girl liked him or wanted him and no matter how hard I tried to hide it from him, he knew – I know he did. The amount of awkward moments we've had – I was losing count. It should have been Ad holding me while I cried, not Scott.
He had seen me break and had not asked any questions. He had just held me. I had seen a part of him that had endeared him to me further and I didn't want that. I didn't want to think of him that way at all.
Scott glanced at me again and I saw his eyebrows crease faintly in barely hidden confusion as if he could sense my mood. My stupid heart kicked in excitement, not knowing what was good for it.
"Are you okay, babe?" Ad asked in my ear.
I nodded up at him with a smile and reached my arms up to put my hands on the back of his neck. I gently brought his head down to mine and kissed him.
His kiss was soft, gentle at first but after a moment he deepened it, his tongue entering my mouth forcefully. He jerked me to him then as if he couldn't get close enough.
He broke the kiss and put his mouth on my neck, I moved my hair to the other side to give him access and let my head loll to the side as he kissed all the way up my neck to my ear.
"Damn, Em, I want you now," he rasped in my ear.
He kissed back down my neck, I looked to the stage but Scott had his back to the audience. As I was about to close my eyes, Scott turned, his eyes collided with mine.
There was a storm gazing at me, an anger emanating from him that made me flinch. I can't stop wanting you and seeing you with Ad is — it's driving me fuckin' crazy. His words haunted me but I pushed it away and blocked it from ruining things with Ad. Scott's black look wouldn't let me go so I broke away from Ad with an excuse that I needed to use the toilet.
I disappeared out of both their sights as soon as I could. I went to the ladies and locked myself in a stall again because of Scott.
I hated seeing Scott like that. I was torn — conflicted. Frustration burned within me that I couldn't be with Ad without feeling bad about Scott's feelings. But why did I feel like that anyway? Scott and I, well, I didn't know what we were but I did what we were not. He had said all that to me weeks ago but he never stopped bringing girls back and he never hid it neott from me.
Why should I care? I had had enough crap for twenty-four hours. I just wanted to feel free for a while. I was conscious that I was becoming increasingly aware of trying to please Scott when I should be concentrating on Ad.
I sighed as I emerged from the stall and walked out. I went straight to the bar and ordered two drinks for myself which I downed straight away.
My brain was fried and I didn't want to think anymore tonight. I knew that drinking wasn't the best thing I could do but I didn't care. I had spent most of my life hiding behind a ridiculous façade but that was in the past. This was the new me. Screw it! The remainder of our time at Macy's was spent drinking and jumping around the dance floor while trying to hide from Scott's view.
Soundz was as crowded as I knew it would be on a Saturday night. We hung around the bar until a table became free and then we pounced on it. I had been clamped to Ad's side for most of the night so far and I intended to keep it that way. I avoided Scott's dark gaze when I could.
A while later I was dancing with Ash and Meg when I spotted Scott in a corner making out heavily with a girl with a tiny skirt on and knee-high boots. I felt my face crease as I watched his hands roam over her, down past her ass to her thigh. From there, his hand slid up her skirt and stroked her right there in front of everyone.
I ground my jaw and my blood boiled, the booze I had consumed fuelling the anger. I hated him at that moment. I hadn't admitted anything to Scott but he kind of had to me. I wanted to get back at him so much.
I seized Ad as he came up to me and planted my mouth straight onto his. Ad pulled away in surprise. I smiled up at him and grabbed his hands to put them on my butt. He squeezed and angry desire started to heat my skin. I turned my back to him and reached my hands up to gather my hair to drape over one shoulder as I moved my butt into his hips.
The thump thump of music was deep and I ground myself against him with the rhythm. Ad put his hands on my belly and slipped them under my top to move them up to just beneath my breasts. I leaned my head back and put my hands over his as we moved. His head came down to my exposed neck, he kissed up my neck. I raised my arms and looped them around him to keep him there.
I opened my eyes then and saw Scott watching me. A jolt went through me at the violence blazing in his eyes. His eyes travelled down me and then back up to my face. I bit my lip, sharp desire penetrated my fuzzy head. I closed my eyes, shutting him out. I turned in Ad's arms then and drove my hands through his hair and pulled him fully into me to sate what was happening to my body.
Ad rubbed his hips against mine and deepened our kiss.
"Come with me," Ad spoke near my ear and led me away from the dan
ce-floor.
Feeling slightly dazed, I almost tripped on the way. Ad led me past the restrooms down to the end of the corridor and leaned against the wall with me in his arms.
"This is better," he said before he came to me again and I put my all into it. I kissed him deeply, desperately even, but it wasn't Ad's eyes looking at me, stoking the fire in me when I closed my eyes.
I seethed, I didn't want to see Scott. I. Wanted. Ad. Scott was out there with someone else and he would never change. A leopard doesn't change its spots and Scott would never be with one woman. I was furious at myself for wanting him so much. I was weak, my body was weak but I knew my mind would never give in to it.
Ad put his hands underneath my butt and pressed me into him. His erection rubbed against me.
