Beloved Beast

by Cathy McAllister

  Brodie had gone to cut some wood for the stove. Crissy knew that they always had enough chopped wood to hand. He obviously wanted to give her a chance to talk with Jeanette. Perhaps that was a good idea, she thought.

  “Sit down,” said Jeanette. “You’re looking good. Brazil obviously suits you.”

  “Thank you. Yes, Brazil is beautiful. But it’s been hard all these years without …”

  “A nice boy,” said Jeanette, glancing out of the window to where Brodie and Nico were just splitting a log.

  “Yes. He’s a great lad. But he desperately needs a father,” said Crissy, her heart pounding as she plucked up the courage to ask the decisive question: ”Is Ramon still living in his hut?”

  Jeanette sighed. She took Crissy’s hand and looked at her with sad eyes.

  “Ramon is dead, Crissy.”

  It took a while for Crissy to take in this information. She stared at Jeanette, speechless, incapable of responding.

  “I’m so sorry,” said Jeanette, and she squeezed Crissy’s hand.

  “But the money is still coming into my bank account every month.“

  “He arranged everything so that you’d carry on getting the money every month. In addition, on his twenty-first birthday Nico will get a hundred thousand dollars. Ramon wanted the boy to be able to make a life for himself.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean – he arranged things? How did he know that he …” Crissy sobbed violently. “… did he …”

  “He wasn’t the same any more, after he returned from Brazil. He was suffering terribly. Nothing could make him happy any more and he cut himself off more and more. We would often not see him for weeks on end unless we rowed over to him. He went to Brazil three times to see you.”

  “I … I didn’t know that. We didn’t see him.”

  “He just wanted to see you both – to check that you were both fine. He always came back with a load of photos. The pictures of the boy were the main things that kept him going. He was so proud of his son. I remember that when Nico was probably about three years old Ramon showed us pictures here. There was one of the boy in an ice cream parlour. Ramon would look at that photo for ages and kept on asking: ‘Does he look like me?’ ‘Doesn’t he look like me? That’s my son.’ “

  Tears ran down Crissy’s face. She had come too late. She could not show Nico his father any more. She did not even have a damn photo.

  “When?”

  “About two years ago,” answered Jeanette quietly, without looking at Crissy.

  “Is … is there a grave where I …”

  “No! He didn’t want one.”

  “How should I explain that to Nico?” sobbed Crissy.

  Jeanette shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

  “I wish I had better news for you.”

  12

  4 Months Later

  Dreams

  Crissy dreamt of Ramon so often. Mostly these were erotic dreams in which he made tender love to her. But sometimes they were nightmares. Then she saw him hanging from a branch, dead. His dead eyes stared at her and the suffering that he had felt seem to be reflected in them still. Crissy did not know how he had died, and yet, in her dreams, his death was always caused by hanging.

  This time, though, it was an erotic dream. She could feel his hands on her body. He stroked her breasts, her flat belly. Before, in her dreams, he had never uttered a word. This time she heard him quietly murmuring words of love, then she felt a weight upon her. It had never been like that before either. Flustered, she woke from her dream.

  A dark shape was hovering above her and it bent down and kissed her with passion. Her heart began to beat wildly. It was not possible. She was still in a dream.

  “Ramon,” she whispered in disbelief, when he pulled away from her. “Ramon?”

  “Yes, babe, it’s me.”

  “But how…?” she sobbed.

  “Shhh. Not now. I’ve waited a whole seven years to make love to you again.”

  He kissed her again and she responded to his kiss, sobbing. He pushed his way between her legs impatiently and entered her. She clung onto him with her arms and legs. She wanted to hold onto him so that he could not disappear again. In despair she urged him to keep on thrusting.

  “Crissy,” he panted, as the waves of passion simultaneously took hold of them both and he came into her quivering sex.

  Breathless, they lay tightly entwined. Their hearts pounded wildly and neither of them was able to speak. Only this moment was important. Whatever had happened – they could talk about that later. But neither of them wanted to spoil this precious moment.

  “You’re shaking. Are you cold?” asked Ramon after a while.

  “A bit,” answered Crissy.

  Ramon pulled the thin sheet over her and kissed her on the forehead.

  “Jeanette told me that you were dead,” she said after a while.

  “I told her to say that in case you should ever come looking for me. But it wasn’t completely untrue. I was really more dead than alive. I tried to forget somehow, but I couldn’t. At some point I couldn’t stand it in the swamp any more. I told Jeanette and Brodie that they should tell you this tale if you turned up at any point. Then I left.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Everywhere and nowhere – Africa, Australia, China, Indonesia and even Spain and Germany. And several times I returned here to Brazil. I watched you both and I so wanted to just come to you and hold you in my arms. Every time I was afraid that you may have taken another man after all. Seven years is a long time. I knew that it was selfish of me, hoping that you would still be alone.”

  “And you? Did you have other women?” she asked.

  “No! I tried once – a really lovely woman in Australia. She was my landlady and, like you, lived alone with her son. She reminded me so much of you both. She was lonely, as I was. One evening I got together with her. She had bought a film that neither of us had yet seen and she suggested that we watch it together. Of course we both knew what it would lead to. But when it came to it I only had you in my head. I couldn’t. She understood that and even said that I should come back to you. And I did that but I didn’t have the courage to come to you. I didn’t know what I should say.”

  “Why have you come now?”

  “I returned from Europe three days ago. I needed to see Brodie and Jeanette again.” He laughed and shook his head. “Man, you should have been there. I thought they were going to kill me. Jeanette attacked me in rage. Brodie had to hold her off me, otherwise the right-hand side of my face would be disfigured, too. Well, I’d imagined a more pleasant reunion with my old friends.”

  “You’ve only known for three days that I came to see you with Nico?”

  “Yes. They completely hauled me over the coals, I can tell you. Brodie enthused about what a great lad Nico is – about how brave he was when you explained to him …” He took Crissy’s hand and kissed it. “I’m so terribly sorry, Crissy. I simply didn’t understand what it would mean to you and the boy if you were to think that I was dead. I would so much like to be able to turn back the clock. I know now that it was wrong to leave the two of you. Brodie made it clear to me how much Nico needs a father.” Ramon was sobbing. “Please, baby, can you forgive me? I’m sorry. I …”

  “Shh! I forgave you a long time ago. I love you. I have never stopped loving you.”

  Suddenly the door opened and Nico appeared in the bedroom. Wide-eyed, he looked at Ramon suspiciously.

  “Mum, who’s this man? Has he hurt you? You’re crying. Should I call the police?”

  Crissy smiled at her son.

  “No, darling. You don’t need to call the police. And I’m crying because I’m happy.”

  Nico looked even more sceptically.

  “Come here, darling.”

  Hesitating, he went towards her, not taking his eyes off the stranger.

  “Nico, this is your Dad. He’s come back.”

  “But my Dad is dead, isn’t he?”

/>   Ramon had recovered a little from the shock and tried to smile cheerfully, which came across as somewhat forced. He cleared his throat.

  “Son. It was just a terrible misunderstanding. It’s an awfully complicated story, but I promise to tell you everything one day.”

  “So you’re really my Dad?”

  “Yes, I am. And I’m very proud of how clever and brave you are. You were ready to protect your Mum and you’ve looked after her well. But now you don’t need to any more. I’m going to stay with you now and look after you both.” Ramon carefully took his son’s hand. “If you both want me,” he added.

  “Oh! I bet Mum would totally love that. But she’s a decent woman. You’ll have to marry her!”

  “Nico!” scolded Crissy.

  “It’s OK. The boy’s right. We must make the whole thing legal. If you still want me?”

  “You idiot! Of course I want you.”

  Nico beamed.

  “Cool. So let’s have a big party. I’ll start planning the whole thing. I’m going to my room now. I need to decide who I’m going to invite,” said Nico, and he left the room.

  Ramon and Crissy laughed.

  “I love you, Babe.”

  Crissy nestled into his arms.

  “I love you, too.”

  T H E E N D