The Blessing

by Elizabeth Price

  “You keep bringing him over here in the same couple of outfits,” Mother complains as she hands me Grey’s things. “Don’t you think you should go shopping for him, Trevor, or is that something that’s completely eluded you?”

  Why does she constantly want to start shit with me? “No, Mother. It’s not something that has ‘eluded me.’ I buy stuff for him all the time I guess I just haven’t thought about buying him new clothes lately since these still fit him just fine.”

  She rolls her eyes and hands him to me. He looks more than happy to see me. “Dean used to buy things for him all of the time. You’d never see Greyson in the same outfit twice because he and his wife would shop for him constantly. They certainly weren’t going to lavish restaurants while their child wasn’t getting all of his needs met.”

  God, I do not fucking need this today. Lavish restaurants? I went out on one fucking date and my mother’s seriously going to have an issue with it? I bust my ass to care and provide for Grey all the time. Shit, most of my clothes have holes in them because I don’t want to buy new ones when I’ve got a baby to buy for. I don’t even know what to say to her. It’s like she’s just looking for something to start an argument over with me.

  “I’ll buy him some new outfits, Mother.” Before I can leave, I’ve got to add, “You could do that, too, you know? You’re his grandmother, after all. Isn’t that what grandmother’s do? You’re throwing giant parties all of the time and I’m struggling to get by, and you’re honestly going to throw that up at me like you’re unable to help Grey?”

  “I lost my son and you have the nerve to question whether I love my grandbaby?” she asks, completely obtuse to what my point really is.

  “I lost him, too! And now I’m taking care of his son. I know you love Grey, I didn’t say you didn’t. All I’m saying is you could help out if you wanted to with a few of those expenses.”

  See, that’s reasonable enough. Grey’s becoming fussy in my arms and I know he can definitely sense something’s amiss between two of the people he loves.

  “I do help out, Trevor. You’ve always—”

  “Hey, son. How was your date?” Dad asks as he steps into the room and cuts my mother off. She straightens up her posture and puts a smile on her face—instantly a changing her appearance. No wonder my dad never sees the grief she gives me—the hate she has for me—because she puts on such a good act.

  “It was great, Dad. Thanks for the recommendation. Ronnie and I loved the restaurant.”

  Dad gives me a genuine smile and my mom gives me a tight one, obviously not happy with the fact that my dad helped me out. “That’s amazing, Trevor. Is there going to be a second date then?”

  I can’t help but flush a little bit. I feel so fucking young whenever I talk to my dad about Ronnie. It makes me feel so vulnerable for some reason because he’s the only one who knows how deeply I feel for her. What if things don’t work out between us? It’s going to be so fucking embarrassing to have to explain it to him.

  “I was thinking about taking Grey to the pumpkin patch since it just opened to let him pick out one to paint or something. I thought I’d ask Ronnie to come along with us.”

  “That’s a great idea, son. Women love doing that sort of thing.”

  I wonder what type of dates he used to take my ice queen of a mother on. I honestly can’t see her being satisfied by much of anything. Speaking of her not being satisfied with much, she definitely doesn’t seem satisfied by the fact that I’m still here. She keeps giving me this look that suggests she’d be happy if I left. Obviously, she has some sort of plan with dad and my presence is interfering with her having a good time.

  “I better get going. I’ll see you guys tomorrow after I get off work.”

  Grey’s as eager to get out of here as I am. As I’m placing him in his car seat, I find he doesn’t want me to buckle him up. Every time I try to put him in his seat, he begins to cry and only calms when I hold him closer to me. I promise him that once we get home I’ll spend the rest of the day with him. While I know he doesn’t understand what I’m saying, he does perk up at the sound of my voice long enough for me to place him safely in his car seat. Before we take off, I call Ronnie, wanting to ask her about tomorrow before I overthink things too much.

  “Hey, Trev. How’d the appointment go?” she asks as soon as she picks up the call.

  Grey squeals at the sound of her voice as it comes through on speaker-phone. He looks around as if he were trying to find her. God, I’m so happy this boy loves my girl. He needs a good mother figure and while that’s not the reason I’m with her, I know she’d love to fill that role for him and she’d be fucking awesome at it.

  “It was fine,” I finally say, before adding with a chuckle, “Sorry, Grey’s freaking out in the backseat. He’s just really excited to hear your voice.”

  “Aw,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Well, you should bring him over tonight. I’d love to make dinner for my guys.”

  “My guys.” Fuck, I love that.

  “That’d be great,” I say, and my stomach grumbles on cue. “Actually, I was calling to ask about tomorrow. I was thinking about taking Grey to a pumpkin patch and was wondering if you’d wanted to come along with us…?”

  “Trev, I’d do anything with you.”

  She’d do anything with me. I can’t begin to describe how her words make me feel.

  Chapter 16

  as tall as cliffs

  It’s so strange, seeing the colorful autumn trees and feeling the cold bite of the air without a single drug in my system. I can’t remember the last September I spent sober. It must’ve been before I entered my sophomore year of high school. I can’t remember the last time I experienced the changes the season brings without every one of my senses being amplified or contorted. Although normalcy still feels foreign to me—I welcome the feeling of control that sobriety gives me.

  Grey loves the crisp, Colorado weather and, like always, he takes in the new sights with wide, curious eyes. I’m thrilled that I’ve managed to plan this day for him. I’ve never had the foresight to plan much in advance, and it’s another way to exercise the control I’m desperately craving. While I’m exhausted and my muscles are still sore from a strenuous day of work, I couldn’t pass up a day like this with my two favorite people. It feels like we’re one big happy family as we spend our day on a farm, picking out pumpkins and gorging on caramel apples. Maybe it’s seeing other families around that me makes me sentimental because it’s a glimpse at something I wish I had. Which is something that’s still fucking weird for me to come to terms with.

  The pumpkin patch farm is bigger than I expected, and it’s filled with children. Their loud screams as the they chase each other about and play in the hay are overwhelming for Grey. He’s a loner like me and isn’t used to being around this many people. He buries his face against the curve of my neck and whimpers. I kiss his fuzzy little head and give Ronnie a glance, wanting to know that at least one of them is enjoying the day. She looks angelic as she walks by my side with a bright smile on her face. She’s bundled up for the crisp weather the shift in season brings. I’ve never seen a woman look so fucking cute. Despite the large sweater, jean jacket, hat, and scarf she has on, my girl’s still fucking cold. The tip of her nose is red from the chill and I want to do nothing more than kiss it. So, I do just that after stepping in front of her to cease her walking. She startles, then she gives me a shocked smile before she falls back in step with me.

  “Maybe we can head over there and have our picnic?” she suggests, gesturing toward a group of tables far removed from everyone else.

  “Yeah, Grey definitely needs a break from all the excitement,” I chuckle, before following her towards the picnic tables.

  Before work this morning, I woke up early to put together some food for our trip. I wanted to impress Ronnie and show her how good I can be at shit like this. I threw together a salad and made a couple of sandwiches. I know it’s not the most
exciting thing in the world, but I’m proud of myself for taking the initiative to arrange it. I could’ve picked up fast food or something, but I wanted her to know I cared enough to go through the trouble. We take a seat and I place Grey comfortably on my lap. I open the old backpack I had since high school and unpack our lunch. I brought hard-boiled eggs and some bread for Grey and he squinches his face in disapproval as soon as he sees the giant sandwiches and chips are not for him. Every time I’m eating dinner while feeding him, he always reaches for my food and watches me with wide, pleading eyes as I place each bite into my mouth instead of his. I tell him that he’ll be eating whatever he wants soon enough but, of course, he doesn’t understand this and cries anyway.

  “Thanks for doing this, Trev. I can’t believe you woke up so early to make me lunch,” she says with a pretty blush.

  I smile because I’ve barely make lunch for myself ever, let alone another person. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever cooked for another person period. Usually when it’s my turn to provide dinner for Ronnie, I order take-out or take her to a nearby, reasonably priced restaurant. I never attempt to get behind the stove in the kitchen and actually make something. I dish her out some salad and hand her a sub. I try not to look too fucking proud of myself, but Ronnie seems to be proud of me despite it being something anyone with half a brain could do. I guess it’s the fact that I did it that makes it important. I want to treat her like a princess, despite how unimportant some may think my actions are. I just want her to know just how fucking special she is to me. I mean, at times it feels as though my entire world revolves around her.

  “So, I thought tonight we could carve pumpkins and watch a scary movie?”

  Ronnie smiles and giggles before asking, “Where’d you get all these cute ideas from? You don’t strike me as the type of guy who carves pumpkins in his free time.”

  I can’t help but feel fucking awkward as I answer her, “My older brother and I used to do stuff like this when we were kids.”

  Her eyes widen and her face flushes as she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I’m so sorry, Trev. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s a great idea; I was just teasing you about it.”

  I give her a small smile, indicating it’s okay. She didn’t offend me, I just don’t like feeling stupid in front of her. “It’s fine, I just thought it’d be something you’d like to do. And I thought Grey would get a kick out of finger painting.”

  Truly, I just wanted to do it because it reminded me of my brother. We grew up doing so much shit together during the fall, and it’s strange to go into the season knowing he’s not alive to be a part of it. Sure, I wasn’t around a lot over the past five years, but I still knew he was out there somewhere and that was all I needed. Now, I don’t know what the fuck to do or how to feel.

  “I’d love to do it, Trev. Thanks for thinking of me.” She pauses for a moment and watches me curiously. “I know things are hard without your brother. I was a mess during the holidays after my mother passed away. I was filled with so much hate and anger…” She pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. “I know you don’t always think you’re strong, but you’re handling this much better than I did.”

  “You were a child, though,” I comment, reaching across the table to take her hand in mind.

  “It’s hard to deal with death—no matter what age you are,” she says before giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

  I begin to feed Grey and Ronnie changes the subject to something happier. I’m grateful for the change. I hope it becomes easier for me to talk about Dean one day. I want to be able to look back on the memories I had with him and not be so depressed about his death. We had some amazing times together and I’ll treasure for every single one of them. We made the most of the time we had together growing up and I’m thankful he was my brother—even though he left my life so incredibly soon. I listen to Ronnie as she talks, but don’t contribute much to the conversation. Whenever I get into this fucking funk I just want to kick myself in the ass. I don’t want to ruin the present because I’m dwelling on the past. Grey becomes restless sitting on my lap, so I grab a blanket from my backpack and we move our picnic to the ground.

  As soon as he’s on the ground, he yanks on the sleeve of my jacket and tries to pull himself to his feet. He’s getting stronger every day and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that he’s going to be up and walking soon. Part of me wants him to stay a little baby forever, but another part can’t wait until he can walk and talk.

  “Is he going to stand?” Ronnie asks excitedly as she watches Grey attempt to pull his bottom off the ground.

  “I hope so. He stands up all the time, but I’m the only one around to see him do it.”

  Grey is concentrating so hard as he sticks out his tongue and puts all his energy into standing. He manages to pull himself up for a moment, and then falls back down on his butt, before quickly trying again. I give him an encouraging smile, and he smiles back at me, momentarily dazed, before he finds the strength to pull himself to his feet.

  “Oh my, Gosh! Grey!” Ronnie exclaims, applauding my little guy as he stands before her. She pulls out her phone and takes a quick picture of him.

  Grey giggles and his laughter sends him back on his ass. He pouts for a moment before reaching for me to pick him up. He giggles as I settle him in my arms. I find the sound to be the most relaxing and assuring sound in the world. Grabbing my thumb, he puts it in his mouth and begins to gnaw on it.

  “Aw, Trev. He loves you so much,” she coos as she crawls across the blanket to get closer to me.

  I smile at her, knowing what she’s said is most likely true. It’s weird to think about Grey loving me because it’s weird to think about anyone loving me. After loathing myself for so long, experiencing anything else is a shock to my system. Since he has come into my life, my confidence has grown, and I’ve learned to hate myself a little less. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly love myself, but I do know now that I’m capable of love. Grey means everything to me, and Ronnie… Fuck, I can’t even begin to describe the way I feel about her. I’ve never experienced a romantic love and thinking about feeling that way for her will always be terrifying.

  “Grey’s so easy to love,” I comment as I look down at my little guy. “Everyone who meets him can’t help but love him.” Kind of like how everyone who meets you can’t help but love you, Ronnie.

  After our picnic, we pack up and head back to the pumpkin patch. The hayrides, caramel apples, and rows of pumpkins in various sizes and shapes brings me back to a happier time with my brother. Mom and Dad used to bring us here every September to pick out a special pumpkin to carve or paint because we both were always too eager to wait for “Halloween time” to do so. I loved it. Especially when I was really little and my dad would let me sit on his shoulders as we walked around the patch. When he would finally put me back on the ground, I’d chase Dean through the fields and we’d play in the hay until my mother came and dragged us out. I can remember it so vividly in my mind as if it were just yesterday.

  “Dean, stop it!”

  Dean chase me. He scary when jumps. Hay is in my mouth and Dean laughs. He hold his hand out, but I no up. My head hurt.

  “Trev, you okay?” Dean sound scared.

  Daddy run to me. He look mad. He funny mad. I giggle at him and he stop running.

  “Guys, what did I say about roughhousing? You know your mother doesn’t like it and it’s not safe.”

  Daddy pick me up and kiss my head. He put me on his shoulders and let me pick pumpkin. I like big orange one. It look funny. Daddy get one for me. He let me down to play with Dean. This time I chase him. He runs away and I roar. Dean laugh and I tackle him. I laugh, too. He funny. I love my brother.

  “Stop that!” Mommy say.

  She pull me off ground and spank my bottom. Dean frown. He hold my hand.

  “Dean, baby, are you okay?” Mommy ask him.

  Dean okay, he says. He hold my hand. He bring
me to daddy. Mommy and Dean look at pumpkin. Daddy get me apple. He let me sit on his lap. I want to play. Mommy not like it when I play.

  “Where’d you go?” Ronnie asks, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  “I was just thinking about how I used to come here all the time as a kid,” I tell her, giving her a small smile in hopes that she’ll see everything’s okay.

  While she can obviously tell that I’m troubled, Ronnie nods her head and says nothing. She understands that remembering my brother is painful and she’s sweet enough not to press me. However, it’s more than just my memories of Dean that are painful. The memories of the way my mother used to treat me also sting like a bitch. She must sense my unease because she reaches out to take my hand in hers again.

  “Do you want me to take a few photos of you and Grey? You know, so you can remember his first trip to the pumpkin patch?”

  I’m not one for pictures, but I can’t seem to deny this girl anything. As silly as I feel, I pose with Grey in front of a large pile of pumpkins. He’s giggling as I hold him in my arms and I play with him, and Ronnie is all smiles as she snaps some photos on her smartphone.

  “These are all so adorable, Trev. You should see the way he looks at you,” she gushes as she quickly comes to crouch down beside me and slides through the photos on her phone for me to see.

  As my eyes scan the pictures, I barely recognized the tattooed man holding a little baby. I’m smiling. I look so fucking happy. I’ve never seen myself look this happy. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I smiled for a picture. Grey looks even more content, smiling broadly in every photo as he holds onto my finger. We look like the perfect little family. Me and my little guy. There’s one picture where he’s looking up at me that takes my fucking breath away. He looks at me like I’m his world, and considering how small his world is, I suppose I am. His eyes suggest I’m everything to him. My heart feels so fucking full at this moment.