Ronnie holds my hand as they practically cross-examine me and manages to speak up for me every now and then. I appreciate her, but I can speak for myself. I answer all of their questions, assuring them that I do have a job and a decent apartment. They seem skeptical, but don’t say anything else. It’s not what they say, or the questions they ask that really get under my skin, but the tone they use when they speak to me. I tell myself, once again, that it’s just because they’ve lost their child. I can’t even wrap my head around how fucked up I’d be if I were to lose Grey.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you sooner,” I say, trying to extend an olive branch in hopes it’ll lighten them up a bit.
“I understand,” Lincoln answers, this time his tone is softer than it’s been all night. “You’ve been busy.”
“Yeah,” I agree, not knowing what else to say. “Look, I’m so sorry about Catherine.”
As soon as I say her name, I wish I could take it back. The silence in the room becomes painful, and Grey begins to cry in his grandmother’s still arms. She’s staring off into space, as if none of us were in the room with her. I reach for Grey, taking him from her arms, worried when she doesn’t move or seem to notice he’s no longer there. She and her husband must never talk about their daughter because the mere mention of Cat causes them both to become catatonic in their seats. Ronnie gives me an apprehensive smile, and Grey continues to cry as I rock him. As I think about Cat, the daughter they tragically lost and the mother Grey will never know, I begin to tear up, as well. The thought of him not knowing his biological parents will always be hard for me. The pain in the room is palpable. Everyone here has experienced the tragedy of losing someone so important in their life: they lost their daughter; I lost my brother; Grey lost his parents; And Ronnie lost her mother. We’ve all experienced the same pain, yet, we can’t seem to come together.
As if breaking the spell, Lincoln finally speaks, and his voice seems to bring Mae back to life at his side. “Thank you, Trevor. We’re sorry for your loss, as well. Dean was like the son we never had.”
And they lost them both. “Thank you, Lincoln. Dean was more than a brother—he was my best friend.” I look down at Grey, feeling choked up as I trace the lines of his face with my fingers, knowing he’s all of my brother that I have left.
We eat dinner, but the awkward vibes in the room never dissipate. Our visit with them seemed to have left them both exhausted and heartbroken. Apparently, seeing Grey didn’t have the effect they’d imagined it would. It seemed to only reopen wounds that were not fully healed. The drive back to our hotel is quiet and solemn. My mind is occupied with thoughts of my brother. Images from the past flash through my brain before my mind settles on the very last image I have of him. I’m glad the last image I remember of him is after he returned from his honeymoon, tanned and blissfully content. I’m glad I couldn’t bring myself to look in his casket; I knew it would fuck with my head. Just thinking of him and Cat reminds me of how fucking fragile life is. We act like we have all this time, but we never know when our last day could be. Everyone I know will die someday—and that’s why I shouldn’t take anything in my life for granted. I don’t know what I’d do, if I hadn’t had the chance to tell my brother I loved him. I’m so thankful for his last phone call, so thankful that the last words I ever said to him were, “I love you, too, Brother.”
I know I need to tell Ronnie how I feel. God forbid something happened to her before I got the chance to express my feelings. Or what if I died tomorrow without her knowing how I felt? As scary as it is for me to express my emotions—I know that it’s scarier not to.
Rain begins to fall on our drive back and it’s practically pouring by the time we reach our hotel. I park as close as possible and jump out of the car, grabbing Grey from his car seat before I get completely drenched. Strangely enough he enjoys the rain and doesn’t even become frightened by the lightening. Instead, he giggles as the constant droplets splash on his cheeks. Ronnie runs ahead, skipping around the puddles as they form on the ground and smiling as the rain causes the fabric of her clothes to mold against her skin. She looks so fucking angelic like this. If the temperature weren’t so cold, I’d love to play outside with the two of them a little bit longer. As soon as we enter the hotel lobby and begin to make our way to our room, I start to rehearse the confession in my head. I love you. I love you, Ronnie. I don’t think a day will go by when I feel any differently.
“Do you want to grab some dinner at one of the restaurants inside the hotel? I saw you weren’t eating much earlier.”
“I couldn’t stomach food with the way they were looking at me,” I say honestly as soon as we reach our room. “Maybe we can grab something later. I just want to change out of these stuffy, wet clothes.”
“Me, too. You were great today, Trev. You were so patient with them—even when I wanted to go off on them for being so rude to you.”
“Thanks, I guess I’m used to it.”
“I hope not,” she responds after unlocking our door and entering our room.
Ronnie runs to the bathroom to change out of her wet clothes, leaving me to smile as I watch her ass shiver before she shuts the door behind her. I set Grey down on the bed and strip out of my wet clothes and into a clean t-shirt and jeans. Grey’s trying to put his foot in his mouth by the time I come to change him. He tries to wiggle away from me at first, but as soon as he sneezes I grow worried and quickly strip him. By the time I have Grey changed into a clean onesie, Ronnie exists the bathroom, looking absolutely stunning in a long, casual navy dress that flows around her feet. She gives me a smile that takes my fucking breath away. I know I have to tell her how I feel. Just thinking about Dean’s death today has made me become so fucking emotional, and I know I can’t waste any more time when it comes to Ronnie. She deserves to know the truth; she deserves to know how deeply I feel for her.
I run a nervous hand through my wet hair, trying to will the words to fly out of my mouth. If only admitting to my feelings were that easy. I set Grey down in the middle of the bed before walking toward her. I must look serious because her smile falters and confusion fills her eyes.
“Babe? What is it?” she asks, her voice sounding worried.
I reach out and gather her hands in mine, taking a moment to gather my thoughts and calm myself the fuck down. This could very well be one of the most important moments of my life. I’ve never told a woman that I loved her before; the waters I’m about to venture into make me feel so exposed. The logical part of my brain knows Ronnie won’t reject me. She shows me that she loves me all the time, even though she’s never said the words aloud. Still, there’s a part of my mind that’s absolutely terrified. I’m putting myself out there—risking the chance of a potential heartbreak. I know I can’t think so negatively. I need to trust in her, and I need to trust in myself.
“I was thinking about my brother on the way home,” I begin, my voice soft and raw. “I was thinking about how grateful I was for getting the chance to tell him that I loved him. Weeks before he died, he called to invite me to come stay with him and Cat. You know, give me the chance to meet Grey for the first time. I knew I wouldn’t be able to come, but I talked to him anyway before whatever I had deemed ‘important’ at the time pulled me away. The last words I ever said to him were that I loved him. I’m so fucking grateful that those were the last words he ever heard from me.
“Life’s so fucking fragile, Ronnie. I can’t imagine dying without getting the chance to tell the people closest to me that I love them. I couldn’t imagine dying tomorrow without getting a chance to tell you my feelings. Ronnie, my feelings for you run so fucking deep.” She gasps, her eyes filling with tears. I take a deep breath before continuing, “Ronnie, I love you so much. I love you more than I can fucking express. I don’t want to go another second without you knowing. I loved you when you were my best friend. I love you as my girlfriend. And I know I’ll love you every single day for the rest of my life.” When she continues t
o stare at me without saying anything, I pause and emit a nervous chuckle. “I just wanted you to know. It’s been weighing on me for some time now.”
A tear slips down her cheek and before I can reach out to comfort her, she throws her arms around my neck and digs her fingers into my hair. “I love you, too,” she whispers in my ear. “I’ve been wanting to say it for such a long time.”
As soon as she says the words, my entire world seems to stop as I become so happy I can barely fucking breathe. She loves me. This beautiful, perfect girl loves me. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing her just how amazing she truly is.
chapter 28
sugar
The knowledge that my girl loves me has me completely fucking elated. Never have I been more at peace with myself. I’ve been on cloud nine since hearing Ronnie admit her feelings. Now that she knows how much I love her—I can finally fucking relax. The words have been on the tip of my tongue for so long—yearning to be expressed—and now that they’ve been said I can’t stop repeating them. I’ve spent the entire morning telling her over and over again how deeply I feel for her.
When she says she loves me, too… God, no words have ever sounded sweeter. For her to have any type of feelings toward me is more than I ever could’ve hoped for. I just can’t wrap my head around someone loving me, especially someone who’s not obligated to. My father loves me—but I’m his son. Grey loves me—but that’s because I’m the only father he has. Ronnie could’ve chosen anyone in the world, but she chose me: a struggling, single dad. It’s fucking baffling to me, however, that doesn’t mean I’m not thrilled with the fact. Shit, I’m beyond thrilled to be honest. I don’t think there are words to describe the amount of happiness that’s coursing through my body.
“What are you staring at?” Ronnie asks, looking up at me from over her breakfast menu.
“You,” I answer with a smirk as I feed Grey his oatmeal. Mae and Lincoln are supposed to meet us for breakfast, but so far, they’ve been no shows. I went ahead and ordered Grey’s food. Ronnie and I decided to wait politely until they arrive. “I love you.”
She smiles and takes a sip of her tea. “You can’t stop saying it now, can you?” she sheepishly asks. “I love you, too, Trev.”
I reach across the table to hold her hand, enjoying the warmth of her palm against mine. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying it,” I say, honestly. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long.”
“You did.”
My brows shoot up in surprise. “What? When did I tell you?”
She gives me another sheepish smile before shrugging. “With your eyes. In the way you would look at me. I’m sure I’ve been looking at you the exact same way.”
Now that she’s mentioned it, I know she has. She’s illustrated her love for me in so many ways. I’ve had my head too far up my own ass to notice. I always thought of myself as unlovable—so, I never read too much into the things she did. Thinking back about the way she’d always looked at me warms my fucking heart. She’s loved me all this time and I never allowed myself to believe it until now. “I’m so lucky to have you, baby. I have no idea where I’d be without you.”
“Well, you’d definitely be missing out if I wasn’t in your life,” Ronnie teases me.
My stomach grumbles. I decide to pull my phone out and send a text Lincoln just to touch base and see when he plans on showing up. Right as I begin to type out my message I hear the door chime from the front entrance of the diner. I look up to see Mae and Lincoln walking toward our table. I shove my phone back in my pocket and smile at them. I feel more confident than I did yesterday. Even if they treat me like shit, I’ll be polite because I have my own little family who loves me.
I stand up with Grey to greet them. I’m surprised to find that they don’t seem as cold as they did the day before. However, it doesn’t take long for that to change. As soon as they sit down, they’re not very responsive to Ronnie and me. Fuck it. They didn’t want to see us anyway. I let Lincoln hold his grandson during our breakfast, glad that doing so gives him some sort of satisfaction. I hold Ronnie’s hand and focus on enjoying my morning with her as Mae and Lincoln continue to ignore us. I know one way to get their attention, and I’m feeling a bit spiteful after they spent the entire course of breakfast disregarding us. So, I slip off my leather jacket and rest my arms on the table. I’m wearing a black T-shirt, therefore the majority of my two full sleeves are visible. Their eyes widen in shock, but they refrain from commenting.
“So, what did you want to do after this?” I casually ask before taking a sip of my coffee. I look over to Ronnie only to find her smirking at me. It’s obvious she knows exactly what I was trying to do.
Mae gulps, but to my surprise she actually responds with an answer which isn’t oozing with fucking judgement. “I was thinking we could go to the children’s museum nearby.”
“That’s a wonderful idea,” I say with a smile before looking back to my girl. “It’s right by our hotel.”
I end up paying for breakfast, after insisting they allow me to treat them. I do it in hopes it’ll butter them up for the rest of the day. I just want today to run smoothly because it’s going to be a long trip home tomorrow. Lincoln concedes and allows me to pay but insists on paying for the museum. I’m happy to oblige considering how expensive this trip has been in the first place. Thankfully, my dad loaned me some money before we left since I was doing such a “good deed” in his eyes.
We follow their 2011 Chrysler 300 to the Children’s Museum of Northern Nevada. It’s a brick building that apparently doesn’t look very exciting to Grey. However, as soon as we enter the lobby and he sees the interior his face becomes animated. He excitedly kicks his legs, wanting down so he can crawl around the place and explore. The museum isn’t too big—or as impressive as the other children’s museums I’ve visited as a kid—but Grey seems to love it. Although, the other children scare him a bit. The sounds of their laughter cause him to become shy, and he buries his face in the collar of my leather jacket.
As soon as he gets a bit more comfortable I give him to Mae, so she can spend time with her grandson while he’s here. I grab Ronnie’s hand and we do a few laps around the main room of the museum to give Mae and Lincoln some alone time with Grey.
“I can’t wait until he gets a little older—then he can get on the slide and do all these activities.” I comment as we watch some of the older kids run around on all the play equipment. “Of course, I’ve heard toddlers are a handful.” I say, giving her an “oh shit” look which causes her to laugh. From what she’s told me about Harper, I’m sure Grey will be even more tiring.
“We’ll definitely have a wild child on our hands,” she agrees.
Something about her statement makes my heart skip a fucking beat—or two. I know it’s cheesy but hearing her talk about a future with me fucking moves me. She plans on being a part of Grey’s life. I can’t begin to describe what that means to me, or how happy it makes me feel. I won’t be a single father. I won’t have to deal with this all on my own. I want to tell her again just how much I fucking love her, but the sounds of Grey’s cries from across the room grabs my attention. We walk over, finding he’s having a hissy fit in his grandmother’s arms.
“He needs to be changed,” Ronnie says with a slight frown. “I can take him.”
Mae gives her a look which screams, “Who are you?” Although, she knows damned well who Ronnie is. I explained to them yesterday that she’s my girlfriend. So, I don’t understand what their problem is with her right now.
“If you don’t want my girlfriend to change him, I can change him.” I say with a heavy sigh.
Mae looks at me for a moment before handing my crying son to Ronnie. I want to roll my eyes at her. However, I stop myself, knowing my attitude won’t do any good. As soon as the two of them disappear into the women’s restroom the feeling in the room becomes incredibly awkward. This is the first time I’ve been alone with Catherine’s parent
s. Their dislike for me is palpable. I’m raising their grandson for fuck’s sake! What sort of vendetta can they really have against me?
“I should have fought for him,” Mae says quietly enough to pretend she were saying it to herself.
“Dean and Cat wanted me to raise their son,” I simply say, preparing to stand my ground.
“They weren’t thinking clearly. How could you possibly provide for him, Trevor? Do you really think you can give him a good life?”
Now, I do roll my eyes. “I do give him a good life. I love him as if he is my own son.”
“But can you support him?” Mae challenges. “Can you raise him right?”
Suddenly, I feel bad for her. She’s worried for her grandson—and fuck she’s already lost so much. Because of this, I decide not to act like a complete jackass. Let her rip into me if she wants—if it makes her feel better. She probably knows she’s bringing up my worst fears and insecurities. I wouldn’t doubt it if she’s enjoying throwing them in my face for some sick reason. Hell, perhaps I’m just not understanding her. Maybe she’s endured so much pain she no longer knows how to behave properly. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, let it go, and move on.
The Blessing Page 34
