Ronnie gives me a little smile. I can tell she feels just as sad as I do. She always says she hates seeing me upset, and in moments like these, I know that’s true. I smile back, wanting to stay strong for her, but I’m fucking wrecked on the inside. How could my dad do this to us? Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but something in my gut tells me there’s something between him and that woman. The conversation I had with my dad a few months ago trickles into my mind, haunting me like a bad fucking dream.
“You’ve always been the strong one in the family… you always made me feel like everything was going to be all right. I grew up admiring you for that.”
“Well, don’t admire people too much, Trevor. They can disappoint you sometimes.”
“I’ll call him tomorrow. I need answers,” I grimly state.
She gives me a small nod before returning to her sandwich. I wonder if his words back then were his way of telling me he’s a shit person. Perhaps he wanted me to know he had his own faults—just like everyone else. Maybe his faults were obvious, but I’d been too fucking blind with admiration to see them. What if he wasn’t the man I thought he was? How could I live with that truth? His words run on repeat in my head, taunting me with the hidden meaning I must’ve missed.
“Don’t admire people too much, Trevor. They can disappoint you sometimes.”
The ringing of the phone agitates me to no fucking end. It’s such a daunting sound, especially when you want to avoid the truth that’s sure to be revealed once the line is answered. It took me all morning to get the courage to call my dad. I thought my anger would surely compel me to call sooner, but my anger went hand and hand with the fear of finding out the truth. What if my father isn’t the man I thought he was? He was the only person I could rely on growing up. He was the one person I thought was fucking trustworthy. I don’t feel as though I’m jumping to conclusions because deep down I feel like something is definitely not right. I keep going back to the way he looked at her—like a flame he had been longing to see—what is that shit? Although my relationship with my mom has never been loving—I wouldn’t wish this for her.
Before the call goes to voicemail again, he picks up. It’s weird hearing his voice now that I have so many negative thoughts swirling around in my head. My stomach turns, and it takes me a moment to find my words. As odd as it sounds, I feel sort of betrayed.
“Trevor?”
“Hey, Dad.” My voice sounds so foreign to me. What the fuck can I say? “Hey, Dad. I saw you with some woman and I was wondering what the fuck that was about?”
“Is something wrong, son?”
“I was just wondering if we could meet up somewhere? I need to talk to you.”
He pauses for a moment and I wonder if he’s taken aback by how serious I sound. “Is everything all right with you and Grey?” he asks, sounding unsure.
I wish something was wrong with me. I’d rather have it be that than being faced with this shit. This is completely out of my control and that makes me so uncomfortable. “We’re fine, Dad. I just need to talk to you about something else.”
“That’s fine.” He sounds hesitant. “Does tomorrow night work?”
“Tomorrow is good,” I respond in a monotone voice.
“Should I make a reservation for more than just us...” my dad trails off, sounding just as uncomfortable as I feel.
“No, I think we need to have this conversation alone.”
Dad is silent, and for a moment I wonder if he’s considering what this conversation may be about. I don’t usually like to talk about heavy shit. I rarely discuss things with him without him having to drag it all out of me, so I know he knows something is up. He says an awkward “goodbye,” effectively ending our conversation. I throw myself back against the hot, leather seat of my truck with a huff. Running my hands through my hair and yanking on it, I try to release some of my pent-up tension. The smell of dirt and nicotine fills the air around the construction site and right now, there’s nothing I want more than a Marlboro 27. Fuck, I can practically taste the nicotine on my lips. I glance at the clock on my dash and see I still have a half an hour left of my lunch break. Turning the key of the ignition, my truck roars to life—rattling a bit before it settles into a smooth idle. I decide to grab a coffee, which has become my good friend since kicking my smoking habit to the curb.
The shop isn’t too busy, thankfully. I order a medium coffee and try to get my agitation under control. It doesn’t take me long to notice him as I wait for my drink. Of course, he’d appear out of fucking thin air the second I’d given up looking for him. We make eye contact, and this time he doesn’t run away. He gives me a small smile and closes his laptop, as if asking me to join him at his table. As soon as my drink is ready, I grab it from the barista and head over to his table, still astounded he’s here.
“Travis,” I greet him, unsure how to act around him after our last encounter.
I take a seat across from him and find he isn’t as skittish as he was the last time I saw him. Perhaps he was just nervous about the whole A.A. thing. Hell, I know I was nervous. Therefore, I can understand how shitty it’d be to run into a friend when you want to remain completely anonymous.
“Hey, man,” he calmly says, taking a sip of his coffee.
Shit, it really must’ve been A.A. because now he seems like he’s back to normal. We fall into a casual conversation about work—but our last encounter still looms over us like a giant fucking elephant in the room. I wait for him to bring it up, believing it’d be less awkward if he did it considering he was the one who ran away from me. As the minutes tick by and he remains tight-lipped on the subject, I decide to go ahead and ask. I’ve never been good about tiptoeing around stuff. I usually just blurt shit out without an ounce of grace or skill.
“Why didn’t you talk to me last time we saw each other? I’m new to A.A., so I might not exactly know how this shit works, but I wasn’t going to press you about anything. I just wanted to talk. I don’t know why you felt the need to run away from me.”
Travis’s whole demeanor changes and he looks like he’s really been beating himself up over what happened. His brows are drawn together in frustration and runs a hand through his hair like it’s a nervous tick of his. Finally, he gives me a small, friendly smile and he’s back to the Travis I know.
“Sorry, man. I was honestly just nervous about you seeing me there. I didn’t want it to fuck with your opinion of me. I shouldn’t have run off like that… I honestly don’t know why I did it. My body reacted before my brain could, I guess.”
“It’s fine,” I say with a shrug. “But I don’t know why you’d think me seeing you there would make me think any less of you. I mean, you know I’ve had a problem with drugs and alcohol in the past. I’m obviously not in a position to judge you for that.”
Travis gives me a sad smile. He looks for a moment as if he wants to say more but doesn’t. It’s getting late and I know I’ve got to get back to work soon. I quickly scribble my number on a napkin and slide it across the table to him.
“Just in case you ever want to talk about it… or just talk in general. I’m here for you, man. We haven’t really been friends since I left—but now that I’m back and I want to change that. I have to be honest, when we first ran into each other, I was so short with you because it felt like you were a constant reminder of the past. But I know Dean would’ve wanted us to be friends, now that he’s gone.”
Travis takes the number and puts it into his pocket. His face softens, and he says, “Yeah, man. I’d like that.”
We part ways on good terms this time. With all the shit that’s been going on, it’s nice to have something positive come out of today. I want Travis as a friend—especially if he’s struggling like I am. We can lean on and help each other; I know that’s what my brother would’ve wanted. I can’t shun everything from my life that reminds me of Dean. He was a loving guy and I know he would’ve wanted me to be happy. While any reminder of him is a hard pill to swallow I know
if I’m going to keep my sanity—I’ll have to learn to deal with things that are troubling. Travis is a link to my past and the memories he conjures up are positive ones. They are memories of my time with Dean. And as painful as they are, I don’t want to forget them. Fuck, I wish he were still here.
I’m afraid that no amount of mental preparation will get me ready for this meeting with my father. I decide to spend the afternoon with Grey in an effort to distract myself. As I look down at his wide eyes and open expression, I promise myself that I’ll never lie to him—never hurt him. Seeing him now, so wide-eyed and innocent, I wonder how anyone could hurt their child… intentionally or otherwise. He’s so young and hasn’t experienced the pain life can dish out. I want to spend my life protecting him from everything, but I know at some point I’ll have to let him go and experience life for himself. One day he’ll understand what pain and disappoint feel like. And while I wish I could shield him from those feelings forever, I know I can’t because right now, my own feelings of pain and disappointment have me feeling like shit. Tonight, I’ll face my father and I don’t know what the fuck I’ll say or do.
He’s only human. I know this, but kids grow up idolizing our parents. When they don’t meet our heroic vision of them—it makes us question everything we thought we knew. I hope to God Grey doesn’t grow up to be disappointed in me. I hope he’ll know how hard I’ve tried to be the best father I could be for him. He loves me now, but who knows how he’ll feel in a decade or two.
I realize I’m staring off into space when Grey starts crying and fussing from his spot in my arms. “Dada!” he wails, begging for my attention.
I bring him to rest upon my shoulder, holding him close. Ronnie comes to stand in the doorway of the living room with a small, beautiful smile on her face. The love I can feel radiating from both of them makes me want to stay in this moment forever. I have everything I could possibly need. I wish I could stop time, so I could enjoy these last few hours before I hear my father’s truth. Ignorance is definitely bliss, which makes me wonder if I truly want to know the truth.
“We’ll be here when you get back,” she assures me as she joins us on the couch.
“Maybe I should just call it off,” I say, not wanting to regret my plans.
“If you call it off, it’ll just continue to haunt you, Trev. Just go and get it over with. It may not be what you think, but if it is, at least you’ll know. At least you won’t be in the dark anymore.”
“Maybe I want to stay in the dark.”
“Do you? This has been weighing on your mind since you saw them together.”
“I’m just worried that—” I pause, taking a deep breath. “I’m just worried that once I know what’s going on, it’ll ruin the perception I have of the only parent I’ve ever looked up to.”
Ronnie sighs, obviously struggling to find the right words. “Trevor, you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. Tonight, just worry about getting your answers.” She runs a hand through my hair, comforting me before she continues to say, “I thought my dad was cheating on my mom while she was sick. He was really close to one of his female friend and seeing them together made me insanely jealous and angry on my mother’s behalf. Later, I found out that they never had an affair, but I know and understand the anger you’re feeling.”
“So, you think they’re just friends?”
“I don’t know, Trev. Whatever they are, you won’t know until you talk to your dad and ask him.”
“Mama!” Grey squeals, wanting our attention.
“I’m still not used to him calling me that,” Ronnie comments with a nervous giggle as she takes Grey in her arms.
I watch her as she rocks our boy. He has his head resting comfortably against her tits. My heart feels as if it’s going to fucking burst—it’s so full of love for those two. I always get choked up when I watch them; their interactions are always so fucking heartwarming. I lay my head on her shoulder, soaking up what comfort she offers me. Ronnie’s my anchor. I know that without her—I’d be drifting. We stay like this until it’s time for me to go. She kisses my forehead and encourages me to go, promising she and Grey will be waiting for my return.
“What if he’s done what I think he has?”
She shrugs, and with a sympathetic smile she says, “You’ll just learn to deal. Just like you always do. You’re strong, Trev. Things only have power over you if you let them.”
I give her a kiss for luck and then I’m on my way.
I enter the restaurant with a heavy heart. It’s dinnertime and the dining room is filled with happy families enjoying their meals with Cash softly playing in the background. His old, raspy voice wafts through the air as I drift through the restaurant to where my dad is posed at a table in the corner. He looks just like I remembered him, though, I’m not sure why I’d thought he’d look any different. I suppose it’s the foreign feeling I’m experiencing as I think of him. He looks resigned, and I wonder if he knows why I insisted on having dinner tonight. He gives me a hesitant smile as soon as he sees me approaching and stands to greet me. He wraps his arms around me for a quick hug. I can’t help but notice how different it feels. I just can’t stand being fucking lied to.
We sit down, and although we’re only a few feet apart, I feel like there are miles between us. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and gives me another small smile. The silence quickly becomes unbearable, so he finally decides to speak up.
“What’s wrong, Trevor? You sounded off on the phone when we spoke.”
“I saw you the other day,” I say, colder than I intended to sound.
His brows knit together in confusion and he leans across the table. “What do you mean, ‘you saw me’?”
I shake my head, not wanting to say it aloud. If I put it out there, then it’ll all be real. I’ve never been one to be a champion for my mother. Especially after the incident where she basically fucked me over. But knowing my dad isn’t the man I once thought he was makes me want to stand up for her. Maybe there was more to the story than I originally thought when I was growing up.
“I stopped in at the deli near my work to pick up some sandwiches for dinner and I saw a woman there. She looked familiar. Then I realized she was the same woman who approached me a while back at the grocery store when I was there with Grey. So, I was curious about her. I watched her grab two drinks and leave… and what I saw after that… I saw her with you. Who is she, Dad?”
He pales as he asks, “She approached you and Greyson?”
I’m taken back by his question. What the fuck does that matter? I shake my head, growing annoyed. “Who is she?” I ask again.
He studies me in silence for a moment. “She’s an old friend, Trevor. I haven’t seen her in a very long time.”
I snort. “You expect me to believe that shit? The way you looked at her—it was like the way I look at Ronnie. You don’t look at a ‘friend’ like that.”
“Well, that’s what she is,” he insists.
“Was she always just a friend to you?”
Dad’s face contorts into a grimace before he quickly looks away. That’s what I fucking thought. With a pained expression he shakes his head—still unable to meet my gaze. “No.”
“Were you with her when you were with Mom?”
He’s so quiet. I’ve never seen him like this. The strong, confident man I once knew is gone. Suddenly, my heart fucking shatters and I wonder what else he’s kept from me.
“I loved her once,” he tells me quietly. “I met her when I was really young—my sophomore year of high school. I was taken by her instantly.”
“What happened?” I wonder aloud.
He shrugs and leans back in his chair. “Life, I suppose. I left Colorado to go to school and she stayed behind. While we were separated, she met someone else and got married. I didn’t know about the man until I returned home one summer. Out of all the phone calls we shared, she never once mentioned him. I thought we could remain friends, but her husband, Vince, didn’t li
ke me very much.” He shakes his head and stays silent for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. “Anyway, I met Evelyn and we got married a few years later.”
“So…” I trail off in disbelief. “You two are just friends now? I don’t understand.”
“Her husband died about a year ago. He was killed in an accident overseas. She needed a friend to lean on, Trevor.”
I don’t know what to think. Has he loved this woman all this time? “So, you were never unfaithful to Mom? This was just an old flame of yours?”
He takes a shaky breath before answering. “Trevor, I’m not going to lie to you. There was a time while she was in town and Felicity’s husband was gone for a few weeks. Your mom was on a ski trip with her friends and I… made a mistake,” he says in a hoarse voice. “I won’t say I regret it because I don’t.” He stops, his eyes becoming wet. “It only happened a few times and then her husband came back and whisked her away. That was it, Trevor. I swear to you. That was decades ago. I’ve only just begun seeing her again not too long ago. She moved around constantly, and her husband was a complete bastard to her. I couldn’t have had her if I wanted to.”
Now that I’ve heard the truth, I can’t help but look at him differently. He’s not the perfect superhero I imagined he was when I was growing up. While the truth feels like a stab to my fucking guts—his faults make him human... He’s imperfect—just like me. We’ve both fucked up and let others down. I wish the truth wasn’t such a hard pill to swallow. It’s pretty fucking ironic. As I sit here suffering, I finally realize that my dad and I are more alike than I had once thought. We’re both flawed.
“What’s her name?”
The Blessing Page 36
