As I sit under the afternoon sun, I think about Felicity… my mother. I wonder if deep down I knew there was something distinctive about her when I saw her for the very first time. I thought she seemed familiar, but perhaps that was because she looked so much like me. Our features are similar—so similar that I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me before. Then again, I hadn’t thought about the possibility of my dad lying to me my entire life. He said he did it to protect me, but protect me from what? What was so bad that he needed to lie to me for all of these years?
Twenty minutes pass by before Ronnie pulls up to the bar. I can’t even look at her. I feel too ashamed of myself. I’ve never felt so fucking weak. I hear her get out of her car. I feel her walk towards me, but I don’t look up. I keep my eyes down, staring at the sidewalk, not wanting to see the disappointed look that must be on her beautiful face. I wanted to make her fucking proud of me, but here I am now, curled up and pathetic in front of her.
“Babe, are you ready to get going? You can sit in the backseat with Grey. He missed you so much today.”
I frown at this and rub the tears from my eyes. She reaches down to take my hand but pauses when she gets a look at my bloodied hand that’s still wrapped in the dirty bar towel. She reaches for my other hand and helps pull me up off the sidewalk to a standing position.
I take a step away from her, feeling too emotional to allow her to touch me. She reaches for my injured hand and questions, “What happened, Trev?”
“I got angry and broke a glass… and I punched a wall,” I say, holding up my other hand to show her my bloodied knuckles.
She takes a deep breath and I can hear the sympathy in her voice as she says, “Well, let’s get you home so I can clean you up.”
“I’m sorry, Ronnie,” I say as I follow her dutifully toward her car.
“Don’t apologize, Trev. Whatever happened—well, we can work through it together. Let’s just go home now.”
I nod in agreement. She opens the backseat and I find Grey kicking and squealing in his car seat, obviously eager to see me. My heart breaks as I look at him. I could’ve easily stayed at that bar and washed away my sorrows with whiskey and possibly destroyed my relationship with him. The thought of how close I’d been to doing that causes tears to prick my eyes.
“Dada!” Grey squeals, eager for me to slide into the car next to him. He’s my light when I feel like I’m surrounded by nothing but darkness. When he’s near, nothing else in my world matters. With the hand that’s in better condition, I reach out and allow him to hold onto my thumb. I watch him on the car ride home. I can’t help but wonder how my dad could look me in the eye and lie to me like that. Especially when I was little and depended on him for everything. I could never do that to Grey. I can’t even stomach the thought of doing anything to hurt him.
During the ride, he watches me, as well. He notices the scrapes on my knuckles as he plays with my hand and gives me an odd look before his eyes fill with tears. He touches the injury with his right hand and stares at it. I notice his bottom lip begin to tremble and if we weren’t in the backseat of a car, I’d take him in my arms and comfort him.
“Grey, Daddy’s okay. Don’t cry for me, buddy.” My soothing words don’t help, and tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. “It’s okay, buddy. I’m okay.”
I look up to see Ronnie watching us in the rearview mirror. She gives me a small, sad smile before her eyes return to the road. Turning to Grey, I bend down to kiss his forehead and wipe away the tears from his soft, chubby cheeks. I start playing with him, hoping that doing so will assuage this pain I’m feeling. He distracts me from everything else. Ronnie comes to help us out of the car once she’s parked. She takes Grey from his car seat and I follow them to her apartment. She instructs me to go to the bathroom so she can clean me up, while she puts Grey in his baby gym in front of the television.
I put the lid to the toilet seat down and sit on it, hanging my head while I wait for Ronnie to come to me. She doesn’t say a word as she comes in with a first-aid kit and a bottle of antiseptic. She cleans the wounds of my “good’ hand before bandaging it up. She kisses the top of my hand before moving to the other one. I can’t explain how her gentle touch makes me feel.
“You have some glass in this one,” she observes as she grabs a pair of tweezers from her bathroom cabinet. I cringe as she begins to pick it out. The glass prickles my wound as she pulls it from my skin. It reminds me of my days brawling back in high school. Of course, back then, I didn’t have a beautiful, loving girl to take care of me. Back then, my life wasn’t so wonderful, yet, incredibly fucked up at the same time. For every good thing, there seems to be something bad that always follows.
“Am I hurting you?” she asks after she sees me flinch.
“No, I’m fine,” I assure her, despite looking up at her long enough to give her a pained smile.
She gasps as she looks at my face and cups my cheek, “Baby, what happened? Did you get into a fight?”
“I got into a fight with myself,” I say grimly as I turn to look at the damage in the mirror. My cheek is bruised from where I smacked myself. Hopefully if I spend the night icing it, it’ll be gone by tomorrow.
“You fought yourself?” Ronnie asks, obviously not understanding.
“I was really angry at myself… and it just happened,” I say with a useless shrug.
“You were angry, so you lashed out at yourself?” she asks, bending down so she can see my face better. “Trev...”
“I’m fine.” When she doesn’t look convinced, I add, “Really, Ronnie. Everything is okay now.”
She pauses for a moment before quietly going back to work on my injured hand. As soon as she gets the last bit of glass out, she cleans it with antiseptic and bandages it up. After she kisses the back of my hand, I pull her onto my lap and hold her tightly against me. She sighs and rests her head on my shoulder before wrapping her arms around me.
We sit in silence for a long time, when she finally asks, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but what happened with your dad, Trev? I thought you went to smooth things over with him.”
I don’t say anything for a long time, allowing the rise and fall of Ronnie’s chest calm me down until I’m able to speak. “That was the plan, but as soon as I got there I knew something was wrong. When he started talking… God, I was so fucking upset. I’m still fucking upset. He lied to me my entire life, Ronnie.”
“About what?” she asks, raising her head to look at me.
“Evelyn isn’t my mother,” I say with a bitter laugh.
“What?” Ronnie asks, her beautiful eyes widening in disbelief. “Do you know who—”
“I ran into her that day at the grocery store. You introduced yourself to her…”
Her eyes widen in recognition. “The beautiful one… I’m so sorry, Trevor.”
I shrug, feeling my eyes sting with tears for the millionth time today. I blink the tears away and force a smile for her sake. “I’m fine, now. I swear I am. It’s just so much to take in… I can’t wrap my head around it.” I pause and take a deep breath, feeling so exposed all of the sudden. “Why didn’t she want me, Ronnie? Why would she give me up?” I quietly muse.
“I don’t know, babe.” She says softly as she wraps her arms around my neck and holds me to her. “I just don’t know. People make bad choices all of the time, but maybe you can reach out to her and ask her why she allowed your dad to raise you.”
“I don’t understand how my dad could lie to me for so long. It’s like lying is second nature to him.” I pause, not wanting to say the next part because it’s hard to even think it. “I looked up to him, Ronnie. My entire life he was the only person I could ever count on. Now… now I just don’t know anymore. He’s not the man I thought he was. He didn’t just fuck around on my mom, he lied to me about who I was. He let my mother—Evelyn—dig into me every fucking day. He didn’t stop to tell me she wasn’t even my mom and there was a reason she didn’t
like me.” I didn’t even know I was crying until Ronnie wiped a tear off my cheek.
“I wish I knew what to say. You’re right, your father made a mistake. You’ll get through this, Trev. You’re so much stronger than you think you are.”
“Thank you.”
She gives me a confused smile. “For what?”
“For being here,” I say, simply. “I don’t know how I’d deal with this shit without you. I’m so glad you’re here, even when I’m fucking up.”
“You didn’t fuck-up,” she says, her voice ringing with conviction. “You stopped yourself before things could go too far. You wouldn’t have been able to do that if you were a fuck-up, Trev. You slipped up, but then you called me. You did the right thing.” I shake my head, not feeling convinced. She laced her fingers through mine, pressing her palm gently against my bandaged one. “Trevor, you’re a strong man. I wish you saw yourself the way I do.”
I nod, using my free hand to wipe my face. I look at her, astounded by the fact that this beautiful woman loves me. “I love you, Ronnie. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you in my life.”
“I love you, too.” She smiles at me, making me feel fucking breathless. I’ve had the worst day ever, but she still finds a way to make me feel better.
“I’ll love you forever. I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you just that if you’ll let me.” I can’t help but feel overly emotional after that life-altering news. She needs to know how I feel, but I can’t help the fact that my confession sounds like a fucking marriage proposal. It’s much too soon for that shit, and yet, it feels so fucking right. I want her to be mine. I need her in my life, and I know I can’t live without her. I don’t want to live without her. I turn my head to look at her in the dim light of her bathroom. Her face doesn’t have an ounce of makeup on it. She’s showing off her natural beauty and her pretty pale skin. She has her hair piled up on top of her head in a messy bun. Never has a woman looked so perfect to me. I want to make her mine forever.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ronnie asks with a giggle and then gives me one of the softest of smiles I’ve ever seen.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell her because it’s the absolute truth.
She smiles at this and reaches up to run her fingers through my hair. “You are, too.”
I stare at her as if I’m seeing her for the very first time. This is the woman I want to marry. This is the woman I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking about how I’d like you to be mine forever.”
She smiles, reaching back up to cup my face as she gazes into my eyes.
“Would you?”
“Would I what?” she questions breathlessly.
“Would you be mine forever?”
She stares at me for a heartbeat longer, her gorgeous green eyes filling with tears. She nods and lifts her head to bring her lips to mine. They taste salty and sweet, yet they still feel like velvet as they move against mine. I could never get enough of this; I could never get enough of her.
“I’m yours,” she finally tells me before kissing me again.
I’ll see if she truly means that soon enough. As she pulls away, I look down at her left ring finger, noticing how empty it looks all of a sudden. How will other men know she’s taken if I don’t stake my claim? She’s mine already—mind, body, and soul. I want her bound to me in every possible way. Jesus Christ, Trevor! When did you get so fucking sappy? Apparently as soon as I met Ronnie. I suppose having a wonderful son and an amazing girlfriend will do that shit to you.
I suppose I should start shopping around for a ring for her soon. Tomorrow, perhaps. I don’t know when I’ll propose, but it’ll be nice to have it just in case. If she says “yes” to marrying me, I’ll be the happiest man on the whole fucking planet. I’ll show her every day how much I love her and just how much she means to me. I’d give her the world and expect nothing in return because that’s what love is.
chapter 33
i need my girl
“Do you think you’re capable of forgiving your father?” Dr. Russell inquires in a voice that’s neither intrusive nor judgmental.
I told him everything, poured my heart out to him and allowed him to watch me bleed. I hate feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I hate that my parents’ actions have made me feel this way. They were supposed to love and protect me, but instead, they lied to me my entire life. I thought I’d finally found myself, but then I was thrown right back onto my ass. I wonder if I ever knew who I was. My life feels so foreign to me because it’s filled with so much deception and unanswered questions. Part of me wants to search for answers while another part of me is terrified of what I might find. I want to be the strong and courageous man Ronnie believes me to be—so I’ll be able to look at things for what they truly are. But the coward in me wonders if I’ll actually be able to be at peace now that I know the truth.
I ponder Dr. Russell’s question. Can I forgive my dad? I think about unconditional love and wish I could practice it with him, yet, at the same time, I’m filled with so much fucking anger. If he loved me, how could he lie to me? Every day he went without telling me the truth was a fucking lie. Every. Single. Day. My entire life has been a lie because of him. Still, that man has forgiven me for so much of the shit I’ve done. It makes me feel like I owe him this. I know I should at least try. However, saying I forgive him and truly feeling that forgiveness are two totally different things. How ironic would it be for me to lie about forgiving him for lying?
“I want to,” I answer honestly, as I watch Grey, who’s sitting on my lap quietly sucking his thumb.
“What’s holding you back?”
“He didn’t tell me the truth about my biological mother!” I raise my voice in disbelief. Does he really have to ask me that after all I’ve told him? My dad mind-fucked me—whether it was intentionally done or not.
Dr. Russell nods his head at my fair assessment of the situation. “Nevertheless, you want a relationship with him?”
Of course, I do. Despite what he’s done he was a great father. He has his faults, but don’t we all? “Yes,” I quietly answer his question.
“Then, you’re going to have to forgive him at some point. You can’t continue to harbor this anger towards him,” he reasons.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. I want to be strong. I want to forgive him and go back to feeling the way I always felt about him. However, things have changed so drastically. He was the one person I looked up to and the one person who always cared for me. Even when I didn’t want to accept his love, I knew it was there. But for some reason I just can’t ever seem to do the “right” thing. I’ve always chosen the easy way out, with Grey being the only exception. Even when I try so hard with things—I always feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I put so much effort into being a good man, but it seems like I’m always coming up short. Why can’t I win for once? There’s a part of me that believes if I were a better man, I’d be able to understand his faults and forgive him. I must be a fucking asshole because I can’t find it within myself to do so.
Thinking about him makes me so fucking angry. I just want to hit something until the wounds on my knuckles open up again and I bleed out all the hurt. Even then, I know the pain will still be simmering inside of me. Now that my despondency over the whole the situation has lifted, all I can feel is fucking rage towards my father. I hate feeling so riled up. I’m so scared I’ll end up losing myself again if I don’t gain control of my emotions soon. I don’t want to go back to being my old, asshole self. That one drink showed me just how easy it would be to pick up my old vices again.
“I just need time,” I finally say. “I don’t feel ready to let this go. I can’t seem to move past this.”
I’ve erected a wall, so I can fucking protect myself. I used drugs and alcohol to fight all my demons in the past. They were the greatest means of escaping reality—even
if it was only for a little while. Every pill I swallowed, every bottle I drowned myself in, and every bit of powder I snorted was like a greeting from an old friend. Having to deal with my demons completely sober is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, hands down. It’s easier to avoid vices when things are going good, but when things go bad it feels nearly impossible. I look down at Grey again. He’s one of my reasons for fighting every day, and he smiles up at me before putting his thumb back into his mouth. Hopefully, my love for him and Ronnie—along with my strong desire to change—will be enough.
“Trevor, you’re doing very well. You should be proud of yourself. Would you have been able to handle this situation the same way when you first arrived home?”
I know I wouldn’t have been able to endure it. I would’ve crumbled if I found out about all this back then. I was under so much fucking pressure and was so completely overwhelmed. Now, I have Ronnie and my son—a family that means the absolute world to me. I wouldn’t be seeking help like this in the first place if it weren’t for them. I’ve always been a “suffer in silence” type, but I know I can’t do that anymore.
“I would’ve handled things completely differently,” I admit in a small voice.
“Then you should feel proud of your progress, Trevor.”
“I know.” Self-loathing just feels so much more natural. “I need to talk to my dad. I know there’s got to be more to this story. I’d just been too angry at the time to let him finish.”
“Talk to him. Hearing the truth, no matter what it may be, can be freeing.”
I want to know exactly what he was “protecting” me from. What could have possibly been so bad that years of mental abuse paled in fucking comparison? My mom—Evelyn, I suppose I should call her that now—had treated me like a rotten fucking step-child my entire life. Now, I can see why. I wasn’t hers, and she would’ve been reminded of my dad’s indiscretion every single time she looked at me. Knowing that almost makes me want to go easier on her, but she enjoyed being a bitch to me. I might not have been her flesh and blood, but I was still a child. I was an innocent fucking kid who wanted to be loved by his mom. Just thinking about it makes me so fucking angry because anger feels so much more controllable than despair.
The Blessing Page 40
