Why had my dad subjected me to that mental fuckery for so long? Had he truly not noticed it? Had he really been that blind? Of course, he was away for work a lot while I was growing up. Maybe that had all been an excuse for him to escape Evelyn. When he was actually around, he’d give me enough love to make up for his wife’s lack of warmth toward me. Yet, I had always yearned for a mom, and I never felt like I truly had that with her—even when I believed she was the only mother I would ever have. I can only remember a handful of times when she actually showed me a sliver of warmth. On those occasions, she always seemed to have forgotten herself. She would ramble on until she finally realized she was talking to me, then, she’d give me a strange look and turn back into her usual icy self. Even during those “good” times with her, I knew she hadn’t loved me—she’d just been putting up with me.
“I want to get to know Felicity,” I say, surprised as the words escape my mouth without a second thought. I want to know her, and I want to understand why she abandoned me.
“Then get to know her.”
I’ll have to talk to my dad because I have no idea how to get in touch with her. Of course, I could dig up a phone book and try searching for her that way—but it feels like such a strange way of getting in contact with my mom. My mom. God, it’s weird to think of someone else filling that role. I don’t think I’ll be able to refer to her as mom, though because she hasn’t ever truly been a “mother” to me. Having a child doesn’t automatically make you a parent. Raising them and supporting them every day of their life does. Felicity sure as hell didn’t do that.
I leave Dr. Russell’s office feeling emotionally exhausted. While it feels exhilarating to get some of that shit off my chest, it doesn’t make me feel any less lost. I try to direct my focus on something positive, like my plan to go shopping for an engagement ring this afternoon. My past is completely fucked, so all I can do is focus on the future. And my future revolves around Ronnie and Greyson.
I bring Grey to a local jeweler in town with me. Just being here makes me anxious, like whatever I come up with for Ronnie won’t be anything more than mediocre. I feel that gestures like this have to be on a grand scale. I’ll remember popping the question to her for the rest of my life. Therefore, I want to make it as perfect as possible. My girl deserves the best. I’ll do just about anything to give her what she deserves. Although, I’m sure whatever I do won’t be good enough. It still baffles me when I think, out of all of the men in the world, my girl chose to be with me. I want the world to know that she’s mine and I belong to her.
I want this proposal to be entirely out of left field. I want Ronnie to be completely and utterly surprised. Luckily, Grey is still so young—so I don’t have to worry about him babbling to her about it. Still, I want to do all of my planning on the down-low so there’s no way she’ll catch a whiff of what I’m up to.
Grey is now wide awake and animated as we walk into the jewelry store. He instantly garners every bit of female attention in the room. I had forgone his stroller and decided just to carry him. He’s dressed in his elephant T-shirt and a pair of jeans and looks pretty fucking adorable. He waves at everyone we pass. I can’t help but laugh at him. He’s a ladies’ man already.
One woman, who looks particularly flustered, quickly moves around the counter and makes her way toward us. She’s attractive… in an artificial kind of way, with hair that looks really rough and fake. I cringe as she smiles at me, preparing myself to feel extremely fucking annoyed. She flirts with me, which I consider quite odd considering the circumstances. For fuck’s sake—I’m here buying a fucking engagement ring. Obviously, I’m taken; so, I don’t really see the point of all her efforts. I do my best to ignore her and focus all of my attention on the ring selections. They’re all so beautiful, but I begin to panic as I look at the price tags. As stupid as it sounds, I had no idea how expensive engagement rings were. I have a bit of money, but not enough to buy my girl something impressive. Nonetheless, I ask to see a few rings to get Grey’s opinion. I want him to have a hand in picking out his new mommy’s ring.
“What do you think of this one, buddy?” I ask, holding up a simple ring.
It’s a small diamond with a gold band. It’s not flashy, but it’s within my price range. Grey giggles, looking at the shiny object, then grabs my hand and tries to bring the ring to his mouth. He’s a giggling, slobbering mess, but he’s still very… cute. I smile at him and pull the ring away from his reach.
“You like this one, Grey?”
Grey laughs but doesn’t seem too interested in the ring. Instead, he reaches for me until I place him against my shoulder and hold him close.
“Would you like to see another one, sir?” The saleswoman asks me in a flirtatious tone.
What the fuck is it with this chick? I roll my eyes and nod. She shows me a few more simple rings—all traditional with gold bands and diamonds. They’re all right, but they don’t seem fitting for my girl. She just doesn’t seem like the type to want some basic ring. I want something beautiful, rare, and special—just like her. Finally, my eyes fall on a ring that looks extraordinary compared to the others. It’s so different, yet so fitting for my girl. I pray it’s in my price range as I ask the saleswoman to pull it from the case.
“This engagement ring is fourteen carat white gold with a freshwater pearl surrounded by white diamonds.”
I’m thrilled to see it’s just over a grand. I turn to my son and show him the ring. “What do you think about this for mommy?”
“Mama!” Grey yells before clapping his little hands together excitedly.
“Does that mean ‘yes,’ buddy?”
Grey squeals with laughter, and drools against my shirt before promptly closing his eyes and falling to sleep. I suppose the excitement was too much for my little guy. I chuckle and look back at the ring, imagining it on Ronnie’s slim finger. My heart speeds up at the thought of her wearing my ring. I’ve never been one to dream about marriage, kids, and all of that shit, but now that I’ve found a girl I’m in love with—the thought seems fucking blissful.
The future I see for myself now is so different than what it once was. In all honesty, I never looked ahead. Drugs find a way to keep you living in the moment and the only thing you think ahead about is how and when you’ll get your next fix. I never gave a second thought about getting an education, getting a good job, or finding a good woman to settle down with. I thought I was happy all of those years. Now, I see I was just too impaired to see the truth in my reality. I’m still struggling and I know I’ll be struggling for a while. Nevertheless, for the first time in a long time I feel as though I’m taking steps in the right direction.
I purchase the ring with the last of the money my dad had gifted me. I couldn’t imagine spending the money on anything more important. If things go well, Ronnie will be wearing this ring for the rest of her life. I leave the store with a ridiculous smile on my face. Grey must sense my contentment because he’s awake and smiling, too. As I admire his chubby grin, I wonder if I should incorporate him in my proposal. My proposal… how the fuck am I going to come up with something perfect for my girl? I want him to be part of it because we’re definitely a packaged deal. Not only will I be getting a wife, I’ll be giving my son a mom. The saying “killing two birds with one stone” comes to mind.
My mind is filled with ideas concerning how to propose. Unfortunately, most of them are shit. How on Earth do men come up with this crap? Do they ask around for help or research proposals online? There’s always the cliché ideas I could easily employ, but I want to do something that’s right for me. Something that screams “Trevor.” Suddenly, an idea that isn’t complete shit comes to mind and I relax. I strap Grey into his car seat and make a call. I’m going to need help with this one.
chapter 34
alive
Quinton’s game as soon as I tell him my plan for Ronnie. Well, it’s not much of a plan, but it’s all I have at the moment. I want the proposal to be “romantic”
but I also want it to be me. I want to declare my undying love for her. I want to show her that she’s the only woman for me. What better way to do it than wear my love for her on my skin. I don’t know if she’ll be crazy about the idea—but I’ll love having her name inked on me.
Quinton was more than happy to watch my son tomorrow, so I can hit up a tattoo shop in the city. While I brought Grey along for my last tattoo, Ronnie was there to placate him. And without her there this time, I know he’d be crying throughout the whole session. I know the artists there wouldn’t appreciate that one bit. I don’t want to be an inconsiderate jackass who brings his kid to a tattoo parlor, nor do I want to break their concentration. I want the line work to be absolutely perfect. Even though I haven’t proposed yet, her name is the only one I could ever imagine wrapped around my ring finger.
The tattoo is all I can think about on the ride home. Adrenaline courses through my veins as I meditate on my decision. Getting inked has always been something which gets me fucking excited; maybe it’s the rush of endorphins I get from this life-altering decision. Maybe it’s my little way of staying tethered to my old self without doing anything regressive.
I arrive at Ronnie’s place with Grey in my arms and her ring safely stashed in my pocket. I still can’t believe I’m going to be fucking proposing to this girl. It seems so unlike me, yet, it’s all I could ever want. As soon as I see her, I want to kiss every inch of her and propose straight away, but the look on her tear-stained face stops me in my tracks. She’s curled up on the couch with a box of tissues at her side. I’ve never seen her like this. She’s so fucking distraught, it causes my stomach to drop to my feet.
“Ronnie? Baby, what’s wrong?” I ask as I step into her living room.
She ignores me and continues to stare off into space. I take a seat on the couch next to her and allow Grey to sit comfortably on my lap while I rub her back, trying to coax her out of whatever it is she’s experiencing right now. I say her name a few more times and her eyes flutter—color returning to her face as she finally snaps out of it. She looks at me as if she hadn’t known I was here until now. She looks down at Grey and smiles, taking him into her arms and showering him with small kisses. He laughs, and I know whatever Ronnie was experiencing has blown over. I’ll ask her about it later—when she’s feeling more like her usual self. I leave the baby with her as I hop off the couch and go into the kitchen. I need to plug my phone into the charger before it dies on me. After I set my phone down on the countertop, something in the trash can catches my eye. Buried beneath a latte cup and a box for a microwavable meal is a bouquet of roses torn to pieces. What the fuck?
I grab a handful of the crumbled-up petals and go back to Ronnie and ask, “Babe, what’s this?”
She takes a deep breath and her distraught expression is back. “My ex has been trying to get in contact with me over the last few days.”
“What the fuck?” I can’t help but spit out. “Why didn’t you say anything, Ronnie?”
She shrugs and her face crumbles. “You’ve been dealing with so much stuff lately, Trev. I didn’t want to add to it. I didn’t think his attempts to contact me were that serious. I thought they were annoying at most. I never responded to a single text and yesterday I decided to just block his number on my phone. I’ve blocked him on everything, Trev. I swear. I haven’t seen him in four years, so I don’t understand why he’s doing this.”
“So, it’s what, been escalating? You should’ve told me, baby. I could’ve done something.”
“What would you have done? Beat him up to scare him off? You couldn’t do that, Trevor.”
“I know, but I could’ve scared him off some other way. Threaten him without any physical violence. Of course, I’d love to kick his ass, so he knows just who he’s dealing with. I don’t want some guy harassing you. You’re mine.”
She snorts at this and wipes her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. “I know, and he knows that, too. I’m sure he’ll leave me alone as soon as he sees you. Maybe the sight of you will scare him away.” She pauses and gives me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, babe, you know what I meant.”
I know exactly what she meant. With a scar on my left eyebrow from a fight with Dean years ago, another scar which is covered by my lotus tattoo on my neck, and tattoos covering a good amount of my skin, I know I can be intimidating when I want to. I know I’ll definitely want to if I see this prick around my girl. I take Grey from her and hold him against me, needing him close to calm me down. He’s the reason you can’t freak the fuck out, Trevor. Remember that and don’t fuck his life up.
“Things with him weren’t so bad until I posted some photos of you and I from our trip to Nevada on my Facebook. I’d already unfriended him after I broke things off, but back then I didn’t think to block him. He messaged me after I posted those photos…” she trails off.
I remember the pictures she posted. She’d been so excited to share them with her friends. They were of us during our trip to see Grey’s grandparents. Most of them were of him, smiling and waving at the camera. We looked like a happy little family. Looking at those photos was one of the first times I considered the life I have now to be “perfect.” I started my own Facebook account just so I could share the pictures of my “perfect family” with the few friends and family I have.
“What did he say to you?”
“He just told me how much I’ve changed and how different I seem now compared to the girl that he once dated. I didn’t respond. He’s right. I am different. I’m not the weak girl I was when I knew him.”
Ronnie practically spits out the last few words. All of a sudden, I want to beat the shit out of this guy. What did he do to make my girl so fucking angry? Obviously, the relationship she had with him is something that bothers her. If he did anything to her, anything at all, I don’t know how I’ll be able to control myself if I ever lay eyes on him. If I find out he’s hurt her in some way, it’s going to take all the self-control I have not to fucking kill him. No one hurts my girl and gets away with it.
“I think he’s in town,” she quietly muses.
My heart fucking stops at this. This bastard is in town? I don’t have to meet him to know that I already hate his guts. He better hope and pray we never run into each other. That’ll be a bad day for both of us.
“So, he sent you those roses as a…what…a fucking peace offering?”
“I don’t know what his game is,” Ronnie says as the muscles in her jaw twitch. “I thought blocking him would send him a pretty clear message, but I guess guys like him never take a hint. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, so he couldn’t fathom the idea of someone not wanting him.” She pauses for a moment, running a nervous hand through her hair. “Can we please stop talking about this, Trev? I just want to think about something else.”
I nod, but before changing the subject, I add, “If he keeps bothering you, I can talk to him. Don’t be afraid to come to me, Ronnie. It’s my job to take care of you.”
“It’s not your job, Trev,” she replies with a laugh.
“Well, I need to make sure you’re safe, baby. You’re my girlfriend, after all. Do you really think I’ll let some guy continue to harass you?” Whoever this prick is, he’s barking up the wrong fucking tree. If there’s anything I won’t tolerate—it’s someone messing with my family. We sit in silence, as we both cool off while listening to the sound of the television. I have so many questions running through my head, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me to push things with her right now. She obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, and I sure as hell don’t want to make her feel worse.
“How can I make things better, Ronnie?” I ask as I put my arm around her and bring her head down to rest on my chest.
“Just hold me,” she says simply.
“Ronnie,” I say after we’ve sat in silence for a while, “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I want you to know that you can come to me about anything.”
“I know
that. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him sooner,” she replies meekly. “Let’s hope that it’s nothing.”
“I’ll make sure it’s nothing, baby. I promise.” I’ll make sure he doesn’t fuck with her again.
Zane is an amazing artist. Just looking at his book of sketches, paintings, and photographs of different tattoos he’s done has me itching to get more than just the one tattoo I came for. If I didn’t have a budget to keep to, I’d be getting the tattoo I’ve been wanting for Grey. I want his little footprints inked on my leg with the date of his birth written underneath them. He’s changed my life so much—I want to do something to pay tribute to him. I can’t think of anything any better than the image of his little feet inked on my body forever.
I want to get another tattoo for my girl, as well; something colorful with a beautiful design. I want it to stick out compared to all my other black and gray artwork. Aside from the rose tattoo I have on my forearm, there isn’t another trace of colorful ink on my body. I’d like Ronnie and Grey’s tattoos to stick out because they’re the center of my universe.
The ink I’m getting today will symbolize my eternal love for her. It sounds like a cheesy fucking gesture, but it’s what I want because it’s how I feel. I know I’m getting this tattoo preemptively, so I really hope I can hide it from her until I’m ready to show her. It’d be awkward as hell if she saw her full name tattooed on my ring finger in beautiful cursive before I’ve even popped the question.
The Blessing Page 41
