“Hey…” I awkwardly begin. Fuck, Trevor. Just spit it out. “I hope you’re not busy right now. I didn’t know when the best time to call would be.”
“No, it’s fine, Trevor. I’m not busy,” she says, sounding thrilled that I actually called her. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I reply, still sounding uncomfortable and insanely awkward. “I just wanted to call and ask if you still were available to meet with me this weekend. Maybe get lunch or something… I just had some stuff I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Of course,” she answers promptly, like my offer will disappear if she doesn’t respond right away. “I can be free to meet with you whenever it’s best for you.”
“Are you free tomorrow?” I feel like if I put it off for too long I’ll end up cancelling.
“Tomorrow is good,” she responds. Her voice sounds light—happy even. I can imagine her smiling as she talks to me over the phone. “I’m really looking forward to seeing you, Trevor.”
“Me, too.” My response is as awkward as it is honest. We make plans to get together tomorrow afternoon before saying our goodbyes. She seems happy that I called. That’s something, at least. I hope she’s still happy with me tomorrow after I give her the third degree. It’s finally time for me to hear the truth. I wonder who I’ll be tomorrow after I get my answers from her. It feels like I’m fucking transforming into someone different each day as I roll with the punches.
chapter 38
towers
I can tell from the moment I see her, Felicity is prepared for a no holds barred conversation. It’s still fucking strange seeing her now… knowing who she is. I can’t help but wonder if it’ll ever get easier. She’s everything I imagined a mother to be, which is a fucked-up thought considering I’ve had a “mother” my entire life. When I was a little kid, I had always hoped that Evelyn would change into the mother I always dreamed of having: a mom who was warm; a mom who loved me; a mom whose face would light up as soon as she saw me; the mom Dean had. Maybe deep down, I always knew that there was a barrier between us. Maybe, deep down, I knew she didn’t love me… that I really wasn’t her son. Felicity is the mom I had been imagining, but now that she’s sitting here in front of me, all I feel is hurt, anger, and a copious amount of fucking confusion.
“I can only imagine what you must think of me, Trevor.”
I’m happy she’s not going to beat around the bush today. I had enough of that bullshit last time. I almost want to snort with indignation. What do I think of her? How the hell would I even be able to form an opinion of her when I barely know her? So many thoughts swim around in my mind, one contradicting the next. One second, I’m pitying her for the abuse I believe she’s suffered, and the next I’m angry at her for leaving me behind. She can’t possibly know what I think of her because I don’t even know myself.
“I didn’t want to leave you, Trevor,” she continues after my silence becomes insufferable. She gives me a sad smile, and her eyes look very tired all of a sudden. “I was just so young… I was in such a bad place. Nothing I could ever say will excuse my behavior—excuse the mistakes that I’ve made in my life. I just wanted a chance to tell you everything, so you would know the truth. Then, you can decide whether or not you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
She reaches across the table to rest her hand on top of mine, but I quickly pull it away, feeling fucking awkward in her presence. Forgiveness always feels like it’s so much for a person to ask for. We always seek it from others after we’ve fucked up, but when someone asks us to forgive, suddenly it feels like an impossible task. It goes to show how fucking strong my dad must be—considering everything he’s forgiven me for. I take a deep breath and nod, telling her to go ahead and continue.
“Your father and I came from totally different backgrounds. His family was very well off…and mine, well, wasn’t. We dated in high school, but when it came time to go off to college, I couldn’t afford anything more than a community college in the city. Your dad wanted to help me out, but I insisted on doing it all myself. He was accepted to a school out of state and he begged me to come with him. I hadn’t even bothered to apply, knowing I couldn’t afford it. He was broken up about the thought of going off without me, and even offered to stay behind to go to school with me here in Colorado. However, I insisted that he follow his dreams. He’d been talking about Brown for years. I couldn’t bear to be the one who held him back. I knew he would resent me for it one day—despite his arguments to the contrary. We promised to talk every day and see each other as often as possible, but time changed our relationship. I loved your father, but I couldn’t stand the distance. Then, I met my late husband, and everything in my life changed.
“I should have seen the signs from the beginning. As soon as I met Vince he wanted me all to himself. It was nice to feel needed by someone, but now, I realize he wanted to possess me. He wanted to own me. I was young, foolish, and very naïve… so, I just let him have his way. Vince seemed right for me in a way your father didn’t. I always thought your dad was too good for me. He came from an affluent family and had this promising future. I knew there would be another girl out there who was better suited for him. He just needed to let me go so he could find her. I was insecure… and Vince knew it. He fed off of it. He convinced me your dad was probably seeing other women and had forgotten about me. That led me to break things off with your dad, and that’s when Vince slithered into my life even more. There’s no denying he was so charming when we first started dating. He knew just what to say and just what to do to make me feel special. It was just what I needed.
“Vince won my heart so easily. His background was similar to mine. We were both just trying to make ends meet. Honestly, I wonder if things would’ve been different if I hadn’t been so depressed at the time. I ate up every single word he told me and he knew it. With the encouragement of my parents, I accepted his proposal and married him. But soon after, he changed. It was just little things at first. From the moment we came back from our honeymoon, Vince was a completely different man. Before our marriage, he never raised his voice to me and we never fought, but afterward our fighting was constant. Arguments would arise out of the smallest things. I had been married to him for a little over a year when your dad returned to Evergreen. I suppose he discovered the news and went straight back to Providence. I was so disappointed because despite everything, I still loved Arthur and wanted him in my life. Now, I can’t believe how utterly selfish I was being. I’m so ashamed of my actions. I should have waited for him. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently, but it’s too late to change any of it now.”
I watch as tears fill Felicity’s eyes. I shift anxiously in my seat. I can’t help but feel uncomfortable as she talks to me about this Vince fucker. I wish I could’ve been there to beat his ass. Fuck, I’d necromance him just so I could kill him again for hurting my mother. Of course, this shit happened before I was even born, but I still want to protect her nonetheless. I can understand being young and stupid. Actually, I have more in common with my biological mother than I could’ve ever imagined.
“There’s plenty of things I wish I had done differently,” I say with a shrug. For some reason I wanted to call her “mom” at the end of my sentence, but I manage to refrain. “It’s not like you could’ve known. None of us know what’s coming.”
She gives me a thankful smile and nods. “I definitely didn’t see any of it coming, but I feel I should have. It must have been obvious to everyone else. Well, everyone but my parents. They just seemed happy that their daughter had married. That was a big deal for them.” A wistful smile appears on her face before she shakes it away. “Arthur graduated and he returned to Evergreen with a wife and a baby on the way. A few weeks after he returned and settled down with his wife, Vince was relocated to Austin, Texas; we had to leave. I didn’t get to see your dad. I wanted to congratulate him on his marriage. I wanted to see if he was happy… but Vince made sure we left before I
got the chance.” She pauses for a moment before giving me a curious look. “What was she like? Your mother?” She adds awkwardly because what the fuck should we really be calling Evelyn at this point.
I run a shaky hand through my cropped hair and try not to roll my eyes. If I’m being completely honest, Evelyn Warren fucking sucked. Sure, she tried her “best” given the fucked-up circumstances—which I’m just now finding out about—but she never went out of her way to care for me.
“She was fine, I suppose. She got the job done.”
“She took care of you, though?”
I give her a curt nod. “Sure. She made sure I was fed and that I got to school.” When I see Felicity’s face begin to crumble, I quickly add, “She was a good mom.” I wonder if she can tell that I’m lying. She was a good mom to Dean, but for me, not so much. “So, what happened after you left for Texas?” I ask, effectively changing the subject.
She grows somber before me and her eyes shoot down to her hands, which are clenched around her tea cup. “That’s where the abuse really started. It began with small occurrences. He would hit me and then profusely apologize for it and cry, telling me he’d never do it again. I would believe him because after he hit me, his whole demeanor would change and he seemed to morph back into the man I fell in love with. I don’t know why I continued to believe him. He would strike me, and then he’d feed me all these lies. I was in such a bad place, so I would eat it all up. However, my faith in him drastically changed when I ended up in the hospital after he beat me up. He was drunk, and I ended up with thirty stitches. I hid in my house for weeks afterwards. I was too embarrassed to go out in public and have anyone see me. You think I would’ve learned my lesson and left him then—but I didn’t. We moved to Washington for a few years, and the abuse continued until we finally moved back to Colorado.”
I didn’t realize how tense I was until she pauses to take a drink of her tea. Hearing her talk about this makes me want to scream. I wish I could’ve done something, regardless of how irrational that thought is. I would’ve protected her. Hell, someone should’ve fucking protected her. How could no one around her notice the signs? Did she not have friends or family to look out for her? My body moves on its own accord and before I know it, I’m reaching across the table to put my hand on top of her left hand, which is clenched beside her drink. It’s funny how moments before I shied away from her, and now I just want to provide her with some sort of comfort.
“When we came back to Colorado, that’s when I found your father again,” she continues with a small smile. “We became friends again and there was this connection between us. It was a connection like I never had with anyone else. The spark we had in high school was still there. It was like we’d never left one another. We were both unhappily married, but neither of us admitted it. While my husband was deployed and Evelyn was out of town, we engaged in a short affair. Your brother, Dean, had been at his grandparents’ home at the time, leaving your dad the house all to himself. As terrible as it might sound, I loved every second of it. Until then, I hadn’t realized what I was missing. I couldn’t leave my husband because I was too afraid he would hurt me, like he’d threatened to do so many times. So, I just pretended for a while. For that one weekend, I played make believe. It was like your father and I were the only two people in the universe.”
Felicity pauses, seemingly lost in her own thoughts for a moment as a pleasant smile tugs on her lips. It’s the first time she has truly smiled since my arrival. It makes her look so young; like a young dreamer with the whole fucking world ahead of her. I wonder if this is what she looks like when she’s with my dad.
So, Vince abused her and my dad was a means of escape. I can wrap my mind around that. I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to be physically abused by someone you love, so I can’t begin to judge her decision to stay with him. I understand that her husband was probably a fucking manipulator. Abusers usually are. I bet they play with their victim’s emotions like it’s a fucking game to them.
Just knowing that this Vince fucker raised a hand to her makes me want to punch something. Just to release some of my built-up anger. How could anyone raise a hand to Felicity? She has such a sweet innocence about her. I rub my thumb against the top of her hand and give her the best, comforting smile I can manage despite my anger. She responds to it and smiles back with eyes that are bright and warm.
“That time we spent together was when you were conceived. I knew your father and I couldn’t be together. I didn’t want to be the type of woman to tear someone’s family apart—and I told him that. He had a little boy who meant everything to him. He was a wonderful father to Dean. I didn’t want to ruin that. So, we stayed good friends during my pregnancy. My husband was stationed hours away from me by plane and your father was able to visit me from time to time when his wife was busy. He helped me through my pregnancy and was there whenever he could be. He was so excited about you, Trevor. Arthur named you and everything.”
I had been wondering about my dad’s role in all of this. When I heard what Evelyn had to say, I assumed he hadn’t known about me and didn’t want me. Knowing that he had… Well, I don’t even know what to feel. I was wanted. Despite being an accident, they both wanted me. They had both loved me. Even before I was born. When I first heard about my dad’s affair, I assumed I must’ve been something that was swept under the rug, but really, my parents had loved me.
“When Vince returned to Colorado to find me with a baby, I made up this elaborate story to keep you safe. I lied and said you belonged to my older sister, Lydia. She’d always been extremely irresponsible—so it wasn’t hard for him to buy my story, at first. My sister had given birth to a little girl when she was a teenager, but Abby was taken away by CPS a year later. Lydia ran away from our parents’ home to live with her boyfriend at the time. Vince knew all about this, so he believed that you were her son. Although, there were times when he would watch me interact with you, and I swore he knew the truth—deep down.
“We were safe for a while, but he started his drinking again. There were times he’d get violent with me, just as he had before. I tried to protect you from him, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do so forever. I allowed him to take all of his anger out on me, so he wouldn’t bother going after you. At first, I thought he wouldn’t hurt you because you were a little baby—” A sob escapes her lips, effectively stopping her dreadful story for a moment.
My heart breaks for her as I watch tears begin to ooze down her cheeks. I move from my chair across the table from her to sit on the chair beside her, wrapping my arm around her shoulders to give her some comfort. I pull her against my chest and allow her to cry against the fabric of my shirt. It’s the first time I realize how small and vulnerable my mom is. Her five-foot frame shakes against me as I hold her until she regains control of herself.
“I wanted to be your mom so bad, Trevor,” she gets out between shaky breaths.
“You are my mom,” I tell her, hoping she’ll find comfort in my words. Instead, they make her cry harder.
“No,” she gasps before taking a long, deep breath, “I couldn’t protect you, Trevor. I tried so hard, but I failed you.”
“Mom, you did everything you could.” It feels good calling her that for the first time and truly meaning it.
“One night I’d fallen asleep early and I didn’t hear him come home. Your cries woke me up and I rushed into your room, terrified over what I might find. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t woken up.” Another tear escapes her eye and slips down her cheek. I reach out to brush it away. “I was too late. He’d already hurt you. I picked you up and cradled you in my arms. I needed to make sure you were still breathing. When I felt your little breath against my cheek, I knew I still had a chance to make things right.” She reaches up and puts her hand on my cheek, cradling my face as she continues, “I can still feel your little, warm breath now. It’s one of the memories which has stuck with me after all of these years.”
“I beat him until he was unconscious. I never knew how to fight, but when you threaten a woman’s child… it just comes naturally, I suppose. I immediately called Arthur and then I called the police. He was livid when he arrived. I convinced him to take you with him. I knew I couldn’t protect you anymore. He left with you, but before he did, he begged me to go with him. I was so messed up, Trevor. I barely knew myself and I couldn’t understand how deep Vince’s hooks were in me.” She gasps and puts her head in her hands. “I didn’t even press charges,” she admits with a quiet sob.
I feel my own tears begin to fall as I watch her. This man ruined her. I honestly can't believe that after all these years, she's even here to tell this story. She's survived so much and still appears to be so loving and so fucking kind. I'm proud of her. She made mistakes, but she overcame them… just like I have. There's a bond which has developed between us now, and I honestly can't fucking believe it. I thought I’d hate her; I thought I wouldn't be able to forgive her, but I do.
“I understand, Felicity.” I stop to wipe away a tear. “I understand, Mom. You did all that you could.”
She stiffens beside me, then sits up to look into my eyes. I know hearing me call her “mom” must be a shock, and to be honest, I’m shocked I’m saying it this soon. However, she is my mom. We’re both flawed and yet, strong enough to become better.
The Blessing Page 47
