The Blessing

by Elizabeth Price

  Honey, I just wish you could be here. I don’t want to tell you how much Trevor misses you because I can’t bear the thought of you being upset. I just don’t know what to say. I’ll do the very best I can. I’ll give him the best life possible. You agreed to Evelyn’s stipulations to stay out of his life, but I don’t want you to miss anything. I’ll send you pictures of him whenever I can. God, Felicity. I just wish everything could be different.

  Yours forever,

  Art

  I couldn’t imagine how tough it must’ve been for my mom. To say goodbye to me without knowing when, or if, she’d ever see me again. She thought she was doing the right thing, and she loved me enough to let me go. If she hadn’t given me up, I wonder if I would’ve survived. It’s easy to criticize her decisions in hindsight, but at that moment in time she was making what felt like was the best the decision for me. I would’ve done the same for Grey if I had to. As much as it would’ve fucking destroyed me, I would’ve done it because I love him so much more than I love myself.

  As I continue to open one envelope after the next, I find that each has photos of me along with updates on my progress. Dad had sent her every one of my school pictures throughout the years with long letters describing how proud he was of me. It’s uncomfortable to read his words because, at the time, I hadn’t been proud of myself. Fuck, I hated myself completely up until recently.

  There’s more than just letters sent back and forth to each other; there are various cards sent from my mom to my dad’s office, as well. I’m sure this was so Evelyn would remain completely fucking unaware. She never missed a birthday—and that thought crushes me more than I imagined it would. I can see her now, sitting at a desk with a pen in hand, all alone as she writes to her son which she hasn’t seen since he was a baby. I can’t imagine the pain that she must’ve endured. Fuck, just looking at all of this shit is difficult for me. I never understood the extent of what a fucking mess my family once was.

  With a heavy heart, I open one birthday card after another. The first one is so fucking sad. She was two months shy of spending my first birthday with me when she gave me away. Just looking at her scribbled handwriting across the card makes my stomach fucking twist until I think I’m going to vomit. I vigorously rub my face in an effort to loosen up the muscles in my jaw, which are tense from suppressing my emotions. I take a deep breath, and begin to read, coming across a quote from a Winnie-the-Pooh storybook I read to Grey constantly. I guess my mom used to read it to me, too.

  To my special little boy on his birthday,

  I can’t believe you’ve been on this Earth for an entire year! You are so very special to me, Trevor. It felt like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Although I’m not with you now, know that you’re in my heart, always.

  I wish I were there to read to you on your special day. I’ve been reading our favorite stories every night and I came across a quote I wanted to share with you. I’ll enclose it for you. It’s from one of your favorite’s. I know we’ve read it so many times, but now, it’s more relevant than ever. We may be apart now, son—but I’ll always be with you...

  Happy first birthday, son. I love you more than words. I know we’re separated now, but I’ll always be your mother. I’ll always see your face in my mind and feel your spirit everywhere I go. And I promise that you’ll be in my heart, forever.

  Mommy loves you, Trevor.

  I reach up to rub my jaw because my muscles are now feeling as hard as a fucking rock. My skin is wet, and I realize I’ve been fucking crying. I’m still crying. The tears keep coming and I close my eyes, allowing myself the freedom to let my emotions escape. There are no words to describe the feelings which are coursing through me. I can feel her love, her pain, and the loss she felt when she gave me up. I can relate to every single feeling because I lost her, too. I lost a mom who loved me for so many years because the circumstances that surrounded our lives were complete shit. I can’t say I wish things were different, only because if they were, my present life would be very different, as well. However, I do wish I could carry her pain for a while, just so she could be happy and free of all this baggage which haunts her. Even if only for a moment.

  I wipe the tears from my cheeks and finish reading my birthday cards. They’re all similar, and while they’re uplifting and encouraging, they’re so fucking melancholy at the same time. She’s kept me in her thoughts for all of these years. I regret not being able to do the same. Of course, I hadn’t known about her, but if I had, I’d make sure we had some sort of relationship; even if it was strained.

  There’s one last letter my dad saved. He sent my mom pictures of me graduating from elementary school. In the picture, I have a huge, toothy grin on my face as I held up my “diploma.” My mom wrote back, expressing how proud she was of me. I can’t help but wonder if she had known me growing up, if she still would’ve felt proud.

  He’s wonderful, Arthur! He gets more and more handsome each year. I love him so much. Take care of our son. He’s the only piece of us we have. Can you believe this handsome, intelligent, and mature little boy is ours? He seems too good to be true. Give him an extra kiss for me, and an extra “I love you.” I love him more than I can begin to describe. Keep him safe and happy for me. Keep giving him the life that I couldn’t.

  I let her letter fall to the floor in front of me. I lean over at my waist and bury my head in my hands. My son’s cries soon stir me from my contemplations. I take a deep breath, wipe the tears off of my face, and get up to check on him. I walk past my bedroom and see Ronnie bookmarking a page in her worn paperback before getting up, as well. I want to give her a break from taking care of Grey, and I also want some alone time with my son. He always helps me unwind, and after all that emotional shit, I definitely need it.

  “It’s okay, babe,” I say, stopping her in her tracks. “I’ve got him.”

  She gives me a small smile, her green eyes filled with concern, but she doesn’t say anything. I hug her tightly to me and kiss her temple, wanting her to know that I’m all right and there’s nothing she has to worry about. Her body relaxes against mine and she nuzzles her face against my chest before going back to her romance novel and letting me attend to my son.

  Grey’s face is red and his arms and legs are swinging and kicking wildly about as he sobs. I scoop him up out of his crib and hold him against my chest, kissing his face until his cries become softer. I take him to the living room and sit with him in the rocking chair I have situated in the corner of the room. He’s calmer, and I am as well now that I’m holding him. I hadn’t realized how fucking tense I’d been until now that I have him wrapped safely in my arms.

  “Daddy’s here. Everything’s all right.”

  His eyes widen as he looks up at me. It seems that the baritone of my voice soothes him.

  “It’s all right, Grey. I’m here, and everything’s fine.”

  He blinks his eyes a few times before giving me a watery smile.

  “Aw, buddy. Everything’s all right.”

  He smiles wider, hiccups, and says, “Dada! Da, da, da!”

  “I love you, buddy.”

  He smiles and moves his mouth as if he were trying to form the words. Random sounds come out of his little mouth. It’s as though he was trying to say “I love you” to the best of his ability.

  “I love you, son,” I tell him again.

  He grins as he watches my mouth move and tries to tell me again that he loves me, too. I run my hand through his hair and watch him try to form the words before he finally gives up and says, “Dada.” Then he grabs my finger and pulls it toward his mouth.

  “I love you, too, buddy.”

  chapter 40

  sound of silence

  “Trevor?”

  I look up to find Ronnie standing in the doorway, watching me with curious eyes and an open expression. Per usual, she knows just when to push and when it’s best to hold back. Even at times when I believed
I couldn’t possibly open up—seeing Ronnie’s face made me want to bear my fucking soul to her. I give her a soft smile, not wanting to say anything that may disturb Grey—who’s resting on my chest—from his sleep. Ronnie returns my tired smile and walks in the room, taking a seat across from me on the sofa. She doesn’t ask any questions, waiting for me to speak when I’m ready. I stare at her for a moment, conveying that I need to be alone for a moment—I won’t be able to hold myself together. I take a deep breath and slowly rise to my feet—gently carrying Grey to his room and lying him in his crib. I find Ronnie patiently waiting in the living room for my return. As soon as I take a seat on the couch beside her, she molds her body against mine. The smell of her lavender body lotion and vanilla shampoo causes all the negative energy within me to dissipate. I take a long, deep breath, before I am finally able to begin.

  “The folder my dad gave to me was filled with all this shit he and my mom had kept over the years. I guess they kept in touch behind their spouses’ backs. Dad would send her as many updates about me as he could manage to sneak past Evelyn. Apparently, she had a condition on agreeing to take me in: Felicity was to stay out of our lives. But they found a way to stay in touch without her knowing. It was weird reading all that shit. It was like I was seeing myself through their eyes.”

  Ronnie’s silent for a moment, running her fingers along the cuts of my abdominal muscles through my cotton shirt before lifting her head to say, “I bet a little insight was nice. Was it all good things?”

  I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. She’s used to all the shit in my life, I guess.

  “For the most part. Sad things, if I’m being completely honest. I can’t believe the pain my parents endured. It was obvious they truly loved each other. I don’t know. It’s just so fucking sad—so unbelievable.”

  “Well, at least you’re all together now,” she replies optimistically.

  “Yeah,” I agree with a sigh, rubbing the rough stubble on my cheeks. “This truly is a fresh start for me. I feel like a totally different person. I went from being a drugged-up alcoholic deadbeat, to a father and fiancé—a man who has parents who are actually fucking proud of him. It’s just… it’s a lot to take in, babe.”

  “I know,” she agrees as she nestles her head against my chest. “But you always find a way to handle everything so well.” She catches the dubious look I’m giving her out of the corner of her eyes. Which causes her to laugh before she continues. “Trevor, you handle stuff so much better than you think you do. You never give yourself enough credit. I’ve seen you struggle, Trev. I know how hard you’ve fought to be the man you are today, and I believe in you. I just can’t wait for the day you finally believe in yourself—the day when you can see yourself the way I see you because I’ve never met a man I’ve believed in more.”

  Fuck, tonight has already been an emotional roller coaster. I’m overwhelmed enough, and now Ronnie’s saying shit that’s making me want to breakdown and cry like a baby all over again. Thankfully, I hold it together and don’t make an ass out of myself. Wrapping my arms tightly around her body, I respond, “I’m working on it, Ronnie. Trust me. I’m working on it.”

  “I know.”

  “I love you, you know?” I ask as I run my fingers through her hair.

  She smirks before responding, “I know.”

  We sit in silence for a while. Having a baby in my apartment, it’s rare to have moments like these. The only sound which fills the room is the soft sounds of our breathing. I close my eyes and soak up the feeling, enjoying it while it lasts. My mind begins to wander. I feel a sudden urge to reach out to my mom. After everything I’ve read—I want to hear her voice. I want to tell her how much all this shit means to me, and how thankful I am to have her in my life now.

  “Do you think I should call my mom?” I wonder aloud.

  For a moment, I think she’s fallen asleep, since she doesn’t answer my question straightaway. She finally yawns and without opening her eyes, she answers me. “If you feel like you need to do it, then do it. I’m sure it’d make your mom really happy if you reached out to her. I wouldn’t doubt she’s feeling pretty vulnerable right now.”

  Ronnie’s right—just like she usually is. “Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone, then? I just want to talk to her before I go to bed.”

  “Isn’t it a little late, Trev?”

  “I know, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t talk to her now. Besides, everything I want to say is so fresh in my mind. I don’t want to chance forgetting anything.”

  Ronnie sits up and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling away to smile at me. “Do what you’ve got to do, babe. I’ll be in bed waiting for you.” With that, she leaves me alone to my own devices.

  Pulling out my phone, I call my mom’s number. I’m surprised when she answers on the third ring.

  “Trevor?”

  Exhaustion fills my mom’s tone and suddenly, I feel guilty for waking her up like this. “Hey, Mom. Sorry to call you so late,” I awkwardly begin. I rub my face with my hand—a nervous habit—and take a deep breath before continuing. “I read all of the letters that were in the folder Dad gave me, along with all of your cards…” I trail off.

  She’s silent for a moment, but right before the silence becomes too awkwardly heavy, she says, “I always thought about you, Trevor. Every day we’ve been apart, you were always on my mind… Constantly wondering if you were happy. I often wondered what type of man you’d become… I’m so sorry this was all kept from you for so long. I never intended that. I just wanted—wanted you to have the best life possible.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” I say, mostly to myself. “It’s weird. Reading all of those things at once.”

  I hear a soft laugh from her before she responds, “I bet. This all must feel very surreal.”

  I laugh as well, because fuck, I just don’t know what to say. It’s beyond fucking weird. In fact, “surreal” is putting it extremely mildly. Everything I thought I knew has been a lie. What’s also strange is the fact that I’m no longer angry. I’ve harbored so much anger in my life, but now, it’s all gone. My anger first turned into sadness; then, I felt completely numb, but now I’ve reached acceptance in all of this shit. I’m not thrilled about the situation, but I certainly can’t change it. I just want something positive in my life. I finally realize I can’t have a positive future if I keep dwelling on the fucked-up shit from my past.

  “I wish I’d seen them sooner—but I’m happy to have read them now. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write me… when you never knew if you would see me again.”

  I hear a mirthless laugh escape her lips before she says, “It was hard. Leaving you was hard. After I gave you to your father, I hated myself. I felt like such a coward. I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart. I should’ve been there for you. I don’t even recognize the woman I was then. I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I honestly thought leaving you with Arthur was the best decision I could’ve made. I thought if I ran away with you, Vincent would find me. If he found us—I couldn’t begin to imagine what he would’ve done.”

  I shudder at the thought. If he was capable of abusing a fucking baby… Fuck, I can’t even imagine what else he could have done. Leaving could have been dangerous for the both of us and I know she couldn’t afford to take the chance. I can’t even begin to comprehend what she must’ve gone through; I don’t want to even think about the terror she endured after I was out of the picture.

  “You did the right thing,” I finally say. “Thank you for that. For having the strength to let me go.” It sounds lame when I say it, but the words are spoken before I can contemplate them.

  “I wanted to keep you so badly,” she responds with a soft sob. “I was so afraid you would hate me when you found out the truth.”

  “I could never hate you.” My voice is commanding and colored with truth.

  Fuck, how could I hate her? I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for he
r. She did the best she could for me.

  “I love you, Trevor.”

  “I love you, too,” I say without hesitation. “Those cards, though. God, they broke my fuck—” I stop immediately, feeling my cheeks heat up from my discomfort. “Freaking,” I correct myself apologetically, “heart. They were just so sad, I mean. Those children’s book quotes… why did you write that?”

  “I missed reading to you,” she softly replies. “I used to read to you every night. I missed watching your eyes light up as you would listen to my voice and look at the pictures. The Giving Tree and Winnie-the-Pooh were your favorites. At least, they were my favorite books to read to you. I would read them every night after you were gone. I suppose it was my way of pretending you were still with me. They became so meaningful to me when you were no longer in my life to listen to them. I would read The Giving Tree to an empty room and just weep because I understood the story completely. I’d give you everything I had, Trevor, and after that, I’d still find a way to give you more. I would do anything for you because I loved you so much. Ultimately that’s why I was able to give you to your dad.”

  I smile at her words, ignoring the tinge of sadness I feel when I think of her reading all alone. Our lives have been complete shit up until this point. Sure, they had their share of good times, but those “good” moments didn’t make up for everything else. Despite it all, we both have the chance to start fresh and make our lives better—together.

  “You have me now,” I say in a clear voice. I don’t know what else to say, but I want to comfort her. I want to ensure her that everything will be all right. To lighten the melancholy mood, I add, “You can read to Grey anytime you like. He loves to be read to and sometimes I just need a break.”

  “I would love to do that.” I can hear the smile in her voice. She pauses for a moment before asking, “Do you think you’ll have another baby with Ronnie?”