The Sexy & The Undead

by Charity Parkerson

  The Sexy & The Undead

  _______

  Sexy Witches: Book 1

  ____

  CHARITY PARKERSON

  Without limiting the rights under copyright(s) reserved above and below, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

  Please Note

  The scanning, uploading, and distributing of this book via the internet or via any other means without the permission of the copyright owner is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Brief passages may be quoted for review purposes if credit is given to the copyright holder. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

  --Warning: This book contains graphic depictions of sexual activity including oral sex and masturbation. It is intended for mature audiences not offended by explicit representations of sexual activity between consenting adults.

  Copyright © 2013 Charity Parkerson

  Editor: Hercules Editing & Consultants

  Cover art designed by: Designs by Charity

  Photographers:Fernando Cortés | Dreamstime.com

  Anastasia Popova | Dreamstime.com

  All rights reserved.

  DEDICATION

  For the dreamers

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Dionne Lister and M.E. Franco for being amazing writers, women, and friends. You two ladies keep me sane.

  It is said that the Angels were created from light itself, their luminous white wings and golden hair giving comfort to the poor souls they escort to the Heavens.

  The story that history does not tell is of the Angels that were born of the dark. Distinguishable by their solid black wings and warrior-like bodies, these beings are the Guardians of the Gods.

  -Randall Cruz’s guide to Magical Creatures

  CHAPTER ONE

  “This place flipping sucks,” Tam said, using her whiniest voice.

  She didn’t get to visit with her friend, Lena, very often since she lived amongst the humans, and Tam was stuck living in the Hall of the Gods. She was taking full advantage of the rare social call by laying all her problems on the Seer as thick as possible. “I mean, look around,” she added, gearing up for a full rant. “There’s not one man in this joint I’d be willing to sleep with.”

  Lena’s bright pink hair, which stood out in a spike above her head, tilted from side to side as she did as Tam ordered. Her eyes widened, showing her confusion.

  “Are you insane?”

  Disbelief laced her words. Lifting one beautifully manicured finger, she pointed out a blond angel that was guarding a nearby door. “What about that one?” Before Tam could answer, Lena added, “or that one?”

  Tam didn’t bother glancing in the redhead’s direction. She knew without looking that both men wore matching black kilts and nothing else. Their golden muscular bodies were a common sight in the Heavens.

  “Bloody freaking hell, Lena. All these guys are three feet taller than me. What am I supposed to do with them, I ask you? Their,” she made a swirling gesture with her index finger, searching for the right term. “Pricks. Yes,” she said with a nod, deciding that she liked that word. “They are probably the size of my leg. I’d be killed.”

  A snort of laughter escaped Lena, but she covered her mouth as if attempting to hold it in. Tam’s nerve endings lit up at the sound. Most people believe that chanting their belief in fairies will cause one to grow strong, but in truth laughter was the key to pixie power. A day with Lena was equivalent to a day at the spa for Tam. Not only was Lena the clumsiest immortal in all the realms, she was also a regular hoot.

  Feeling encouraged, she grew even more outrageous. “Take that one, for example.” Tam nodded toward a dark-haired angel that stood a few inches taller than the rest. “Notice that his kilt falls to his shins instead of his knees,” she pointed out.

  Lena nodded. “I did think that was odd, but then again, what isn’t here?”

  It was Tam’s turn to snort. “Well, his is not a fashion statement. I heard that he tried wearing the standard uniform when he first arrived, but everyone got sick of seeing that huge one-eyed monster slapping his kneecaps every step that he took. Mistress Katrina finally made him wear a longer one.”

  Lena openly gawked at the man in question. Leaning over in her chair, she tried to peek under his pleat before losing her balance and almost landing on her face.

  Catching her stare, the man began to inch the plaid upward as if fully prepared to relieve Lena’s curiosity.

  “Thomas!” Tam cried, admonishing the wicked angel.

  With a wink in Lena’s direction, he turned away, but Lena didn’t look the least bit ashamed as she attempted to right herself.

  “Too bad,” she sighed. “I’ve never seen a knee-slapping monster before. Why don’t you just leave?”

  Wasn’t that the million-dollar question? Tam’s wings drooped, mimicking her inner deflation. “I want a normal man,” she confessed to Lena. “An ordinary man who won’t squash my twat,” she added miserably.

  ***

  Ella would be hard-pressed to explain exactly how she ended up with her very own pet zombie, if anyone ever expected to hear the story. Nonetheless, here she was at twenty-six, single, unemployed, and with a zombie named Freddie to support. It was not cheap keeping up the care of a zombie. There were codes, visits to the zombie witchdoctor—do not get her started on the food bill—and a zombie sitter; those were almost impossible to find. That was why she was now fifteen minutes late to the very first job interview she had managed to land in six months with Freddie in tow, and no idea what she was going to do.

  She found the tiny shop squeezed between an organic food store and a nail salon. She almost missed it, but at the last moment, she caught sight of the gold-embossed letters spelling out Cruz Apothecary across a red door. The windows were dark and dingy, causing a person’s eyes to automatically skirt past it, but since she was already late, it looked like heaven to her. Inside, the place appeared a bit more cheerful, with bright yellow walls and shiny oak shelves lining each one. A cream-colored loveseat sat wedged between two huge shelves covered in corked and colored glass bottles. She led Freddie in its direction. It was not the ideal place to leave him, but he was better off here than in her apartment unsupervised. Unfortunately, Freddie was having none of it. No matter what she did or promised, he would not stay put.

  As a last resort, since she was feeling desperate, she brought out the big guns. “I promise to take you hiking on the wilderness trail as soon as we leave here, and you can eat all the little critters you find.”

  At one time, Freddie had been a handsome man, but his curse had stolen most of his looks, and his slightly drooping hazel eyes now reminded her of a pouting hound dog. Freddie huffed, but stilled at her words, and she sighed in relief.

  “Remarkable!” a male voice exclaimed behind her, startling her so much that she clutched her chest. Spinning, Ella kept her hand pressed to her breast, trying to still her racing heart. A man wearing a white lab coat stood mere inches from her, appearing every inch the mad scientist. His sandy-brown hair stood on end and he held a black-rimmed pair of glasses up to his eyes in order to inspect Freddie closer. “I’ve heard of their existence, but this is my first time actually seeing a Homo Coprophagus Somnambulus.”

  Freddie was of average height for a man, coming in around five-foot-ten, but the scientist towered over him, and Ella could see Freddie beginning to shuffle anxiously. Stepping between them, Ella fo
rced the man to take a step back and focus on her. “Freddie is a good boy,” she remarked, as if she were talking about a dog instead of the undead. He shoved his glasses all the way onto his face, and assessed her with his dark-blue eyes. She felt an overwhelming desire to smooth her blonde hair and make certain her blouse was wrinkle free.

  “Ella Perry, I presume,” he said, sounding a little too pompous for her liking, but good manners won out, and she held her hand out for him to shake.

  “Yes, and you are . . .” she trailed off.

  “Dr. Randall Cruz,” he answered as he reached for her hand, and she almost groaned. Of course, he was the one interviewing her today.

  As soon as their palms touched, Freddie sprang into action and clamped his powerful jaw around Randall’s wrist. Randall released a howl of pain, and Ella froze in shock at the sight of Freddie chomping on her—hopefully but unlikely—new boss. Freddie made a “nom-nom-nom” sound, jerking Ella from her shocked haze. Digging through her purse, she pulled out her make-up case.

  “Stop, Freddie! Down, Freddie! Bad, Freddie!” she screamed while flashing the tiny mirror from her compact in the zombie’s face.

  With a screech, Freddie cowered from the sight of the mirror, and flung himself face first onto the couch behind him. However, Randall ran in a small circle, howling in a mixture of outrage and pain while frantically waving his arm from side to side. Ella watched the doctor’s hop-skip-run dance in confusion. Freddie had gnawed on her several times and she knew from experience that it did not hurt that bad. When it finally occurred to her what the real problem was, she had to stop herself from slapping her forehead in disgust.

  “Oh, there’s no need to worry,” she told him soothingly. “He’s not contagious.”

  Randall froze mid-frantic wave with his mouth still stretched wide in a silent scream. She watched as his face changed almost comically from terror to confusion, before finally ending in curious calculation. “I thought zombies ate people, then whatever was left of them turned into a zombie, and so on and so forth,” he mused, the scientist in him showing itself.

  Ella giggled. “You watch too many movies.”

  “I resent that,” he said hotly. “I don’t watch movies at all. I read books,” he added with an offended sniff.

  “Those ridiculous fiction books,” Ella retorted.

  “Well, yes,” Randall admitted. “But still, most myths are based on some form of truth, so you must concede that my fears are not unfounded.”

  “Freddie here is a victim of a bitter witch’s curse,” Ella confessed, shaking her head sadly. “He was too sexy for his own good, and too stupid to know not to two-time a witch.” Ella waved the mirror in Randall’s direction. “Part of his curse is a fear of mirrors, as punishment for his vanity.”

  Freddie emitted an offended grunt and Ella patted his head. “No worries, babe. You’re much smarter now. Unfortunately, you’re not quite as handsome, but the intelligence level has seen a definite spike.”

  Randall looked back and forth between them and snorted. “And you call me ridiculous.”

  Ella looked pointedly at his hand before slowly raising her eyes back to his and lifting her eyebrows, making him blush. “Yes, well,” he stuttered, sounding embarrassed. Ella did nothing to alleviate his discomfort and he glanced around the room, attempting to avoid her gaze. Forgetting about the mirror she held, Ella accidentally flashed it in Freddie’s direction, causing him to let out a pitiful moan and the scientist jumped a foot. In a rush to get away, he stumbled and then quickly righted himself.

  “Our interview,” she called at his retreating back, causing him to freeze in his tracks. Without turning, he called over his shoulder, “Be here at eight a.m. sharp tomorrow morning, and leave the zombie at home.”

  ***

  The Hall of the Gods had been home to a vast number of Gods and Goddesses over the centuries. Nowadays, the palace resembled more of a bed and breakfast than a stronghold as the deities only visited in passing. War between the realms lessened as more beings came into existence, allowing for an equal split of worshippers for each idol.

  “It is Lena,” Samuel called as he rocked her chair back onto two legs and kissed her loudly on the cheek. She tried to swat him away, but there was no real heat in the action. Lena was his favorite immortal, and since he’d saved her from the edge of death some years earlier, he liked to fancy himself that she owed him the occasional kiss.

  “You never write. You never come to visit,” he fussed in a falsetto old lady voice. “And what of your puny man?” he asked, referring to her husband, who wasn’t tiny in the least. Samuel shook his head. “He is not worthy of you, you know?”

  Lena giggled like a little girl.

  “Don’t break her,” Tam chastised. “Then neither one of us will get to play with her anymore.”

  “Yes, please don’t break me. First off, my husband won’t like it, but also if I’m broken, then we can’t gossip.” Lena’s words reined him in. He did love gossip.

  “Oh, I’m in. I love chinwag. Who are we on about tonight?”

  “Tam was telling me about Thomas.”

  “Oh, that man is a fine solider. He could cut a man clean in two in one blow.”

  Lena cut him off. “No. Tam was telling me about his one-eyed monster.”

  Samuel felt his jaw drop. It wasn’t often that he was surprised, but this was one of those times. “Well, I’m out of this conversation then,” he said as he jumped to his feet. “But just for the record, Thomas doesn’t possess the biggest staff in this place.” With a wink, Samuel turned to leave while the girls were still laughing, but something was wrong. Freezing in his tracks, he turned in a slow circle as he searched for the cause of his unease.

  A foggy vision of a blonde female flying through the air, as if struck by an invisible force, formed as a mist in front of him. No one else in the room showed any reaction to the sudden appearance and his body swayed as the floor became like quicksand at this feet. He could see Tam and Lena staring at him with matching looks of confusion, their faces made hazy by the film in the air.

  “Tam,” he said slowly. “Something is not right.”

  Their eyes met and, in an instant, she was back to pixie size and flying in his direction. Her eyes widened in shock, making him wonder if she caught sight of the same apparition. Lena stood covering her mouth as Tam shot through the air and straight at his chest. At the impact of her tiny frame barreling into his, the palace disappeared around them.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Ella flipped through the calendar, checking the date. She’d only worked at Randall’s shop for a grand total of two weeks, and she didn’t feel confident that she would hang onto the job for very long. She was perpetually late, and she had yet to find a sitter to take Freddie. He’d been to work with her each day, and it was only a matter of time before Randall became fed up by it all.

  “That can’t be right,” Ella muttered to herself as she leaned closer to the calendar. Closing one eye, she tilted her head to the right in hopes of changing the date that was staring back at her. No matter how she looked at it, the numbers refused to change. She groaned. It was Valentine’s Day again.

  A heartfelt sigh escaped her lips as she thought of another year alone. She would always have Freddie, unless she could break his curse, but he wasn’t always enough for her. Most of the time, Ella’s single status wasn’t an issue, but for one day a year she really wanted that special date. It was busy work being a full-fledged witch and searching for a cure for Freddie. She didn’t have time for a man in her life. She mentally assembled a list of eligible bachelors, thinking that tonight she could make an exception for one of them, but she discarded each choice. The guy at the coffee shop was cute but too short. The one at the bank had a good job, but he talked too much about himself. Randall was single, but he was her boss and she needed her job more than she needed a little fun time in the bedroom. She knew that she was, most likely, too choosy, but why waste her time on someone? After
all, she wasn’t ignorant of the fact that she could be more than a little high-maintenance when she set her mind to it, but she also knew she would work hard to keep a man happy if he was worthwhile. Almost to the point of despair, her eyes landed on the row of pots hanging above her stove, and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Pulling down the largest one, she set it on the stove, and turned the eye on high. Freddie lifted his head at the sound of her moving around the kitchen, but quickly went back to flipping through the set of books she’d recently purchased for him. They were boring but filled with pictures of different meat packaging plants from around the world and Freddie seemed to love them.

  Ella knew that the heart of any good spell was the ingredients. All she needed to do was decide what she wanted in the perfect date and she could conjure him up herself. Jumping up and down, she let out a girly squeal as she considered the possibilities. Freddie grunted and clapped his hands once as well. It was one of his best qualities. Even though Freddie had no idea why she was so excited, he was still happy for her.

  Focusing her thoughts on her plan, she debated which quality she should deal with first. She wanted a cool man, not some dork with zero prospects. Using the first thing that came to mind, Ella dumped a pint of ice cream in the pot, since that was cool and sweet. Next, she added a pinch of spice, for obvious reasons, and a lily that she’d nicked off the grave with the huge ancient-looking angel headstone from the cemetery next door. She knew it wasn’t right to steal from a grave, but the flower was almost silver in coloration and the oddity of it called to something inside of her. She added the flower now because how else could she ensure that his eyes would end up that color? It took her a moment for her to think of anything else. Well-groomed, that was a big one as well, but the only thing she could think of to add to the mixture in order to guarantee that quality was a huge pair of toenail clippers. As she dropped them inside the bubbling potion, it turned an ominous black, signaling that it was complete. However, now that the potion was finished, she wasn’t a hundred percent sure what she should do with it. Not to mention, now that the excitement was beginning to pass, she couldn’t help but wonder if she shouldn’t wait until after she’d fixed herself up a little before conjuring up this dream man. After all, Ella really didn’t want him to see her with her hair in a ponytail and wearing last night’s pjs. While she was busy debating her next move, Freddie shuffled off down the hall before returning with a necklace dangling from his fingers. With one glance at the miniscule corked bottle that hung from a leather cord, Ella threw her arms around Freddie’s neck, hugging him tight.