“I want on this case, Hell. You need to understand that.”
“I do. We all have those cases, Josh. I understand that. Look what happened to Mal. His obsession nearly killed him. Jules and Paige, too. I don’t want to see you in the same situation.”
“It should be my choice.”
“No. It’s the CCU’s. And you are part of the CCU.”
“I’m not so sure I want to be anymore.” It was the first time he had ever said it aloud.
“This about Tennessee?”
Josh had always respected Hell. And knew the other man would get it. “Partially.”
“The Silvio case?”
“A big part of it. And the Tyler.”
“That was a tough one. I’m sorry you had to do that.”
“I know. I was there. And I’d already bonded with him. It’s all of it, Hell. One case after another. And every time I go home to nothing. Just empty old houses needing someone to care. But lately, I feel like I am just a shell of a building. Nothing.”
Except when he was with Kelly.
“You talk this over with anyone?”
“I did the required interview with Tulane.” The psychiatrist had been assigned to the CCU after the events that had nearly killed the head ME assigned to PAVAD. “I don’t think it helped.”
“Is your head on straight enough to be in the field? Tell me honestly. Off the record.”
“I can do my job.”
“But you’re not sure that you want to.” Hell stared at him for a long moment. “Go home. I’ll let you know if it’s the same unsub. At this point, much as I hate to say it, we have to wait. See if it’s our case or not. Even though the body count is high, there’s such a cooling off period in between—other cases are more immediate, Josh. I know that’s a bunch of bullshit. But we have to follow the parameters of CCU cases, or it can affect later cases adversely. I’m sorry. I’ll let you know. Or I’ll have Dr. Reynolds pass on the message.”
“Thanks, Hell.”
“And don’t worry. This time off is listed as vacation time. I think you’ve more than earned it lately. Fix your house up—if you need any help let me know. I can swing a hammer, too.”
Josh walked out of the PAVAD building and straight into the sunlight. It felt good against his skin. What the hell had just happened?
***
Kelly heard the rumors before the Monday morning briefing even started. There were always rumors in PAVAD—most of it originating with the administrative staff that seemed to know everything that went on in the building.
But the instant she heard his name, she actually focused on what was being said around her.
General consensus was that he’d argued with his unit chief and had stormed out. And that he’d left his bag and weapon behind.
Some said he was actually quitting the CCU.
She didn’t believe it, but when she took a break and went looking for him, he wasn’t there with his team.
And her father pulled her into his office.
“So you heard?”
“Did he leave?” Worry consumed her, again. She had never worried so much about a man in her entire life. What did that mean for her? “What happened? The truth. Not watered down. I’ll get it from him after shift anyway.”
“I’m sure you will. He cares about you a lot, kiddo. I don’t know if there’s something going on you want to tell me about. But if you do, I’ll listen.”
She’d never had an opportunity to talk guys with her father, had she? Not since she’d been ten years old and had her first crush on the twelve-year-old who’d lived next door. What had he told her then? You can’t know until you try. If you like a boy, tell him. And then tell me so I can have a talk with him…
Yeah, like she’d sic her father on Josh now. “I’m worried about him. And he…he thinks there can be more between us than just friends.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. Scared. Terrified. What if we screw things up?”
“That possibility always exists. Relationships are fluid. And the work doesn’t stop once you say I love you. It just begins.” He leveled a look at her. “Kelly Danielle, my greatest regret is that things didn’t work out between your mother and me. Not for my sake; but for yours. I would never have wanted that for my children. And with Ally, I know I am blessed. Maybe I am working harder this time around. I’m not leaving her alone with the kids all the time like I did your mother. And that was my big mistake back then. But two people who love each other, they have to work at it—and the chance always remains that someone will screw it up. Or they both will. There is no guarantee Ally and I will make it. Maybe she’ll get tired of having such an old man around, or maybe something will happen to the both of us to change how we feel about each other. There are no guarantees. Only possibilities. Do you care about Josh?”
“More than I have any guy ever. Other than you.”
His eyes warmed. “Then there is something there.”
“I think there can be. But it’s terrifying.”
“It always is. I’m terrified every morning before I open my eyes. Mostly that it was all a dream, and I am all alone again, just wondering what could have been. Or what could have happened to the ones I loved. Don’t be alone, baby. The ghosts that haunt you will destroy you.”
“And I’m afraid that’s what’s happening to him.”
“Go to him tonight. Give him his bag. I have it in the cabinet over there.” He patted her hand. “There’s always risk, sweetheart. Always.”
Chapter 26
This time she found him with a crowbar in his hand.
“Josh?”
He swung around, the crowbar held at the ready. And with emotion in his eyes. She stepped back. Kelly couldn’t help herself. Such anger, such hurt. How was she supposed to help him deal with those when she wasn’t so great with dealing with her own?
She held up her hands. “Don’t eat me, I come in peace.”
“Unless you plan to get naked fast and let me have you every way I’ve imagined, you might want to leave.”
“I’m not running away from you, Josh. In case you missed it, I came to you. What happened?” She’d just ignore the part about being naked. She wasn’t ready for that thought, even though she’d spent most of her free time at the lab thinking about her father’s words.
“What do you think happened? I’m sure the rumor mill is going wild about now. I went into Hell’s office to ask him about the body, and I walked out of the CCU.”
“It’s not exactly been quiet; that’s for sure.” She tried not to flinch when he slammed the crowbar into the wall, then yanked the 1970s green painted plaster free. It fell at his feet. He went to work on the next chunk, and then the next and the next, before he finally looked up at her. “What’s the real story?”
“Go. Now. I’m not fit company for man nor beast at the moment. I’m sweaty as hell. And I’ve spent the last few hours cursing everything that’s gone wrong in the last few months. I’m trying to figure out exactly what it is I want from my life, and I’m definitely at the anger stage right now. And not quite sure I want to talk to anyone. Especially you. You’re a big part of my problem, babe. And unless you’re ready to help me solve it the way I want, you’d probably better leave. I’m not a nice guy right now.”
“Are you ever?” His words hurt. And he was hurting and confused. And that made her want to be with him even more.
“Dammit, Kelly, go!”
She stepped back and almost turned tail and ran. Josh had never yelled at her in anger before. Not as long as she’d known him. She didn’t know what to make of it. But she couldn’t leave him, could she? “Josh? I…” She swallowed, then gathered up her courage. What had her father said—that there had to be risks? “I’m not going anywhere until you put that stupid thing down, and we talk about this.”
“Fine.” He tossed the crowbar toward the still untouched wall. The metal embedded in the plaster, attesting to his ang
er and his strength. “You want to talk. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about the bullshit between us. That’s what I really want to talk to you about. Not PAVAD, not fucking killers. Not your father, or Hell, or anyone else we work with. Just you and me. Period. Think you can handle that, or are you going to go running off like always?”
His words hurt. Kelly wouldn’t deny that to herself. And with one glance at his eyes, she understood why.
He did want to hurt her. Wanted to drive her as far away from him as he could. Because then she wouldn’t be there to see just how much he was hurting.
She followed him into the back bedroom, the one he’d yet to start rehabbing. It didn’t need much work. A little paint and a new floor. Once inside she bit back a curse of her own. Beer bottles were everywhere—and that wasn’t like him. What was he doing to himself? It had only been nine hours since he’d walked out of PAVAD.
The Silvio case files were spread out over the original hardwood floor. “Josh, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t. You’re going to ruin everything you’ve worked for. And for what purpose? You’re not going to stop him any sooner than he’s meant to be stopped. You know that. And the entire team is working this, not just you. Is it just this case, or something else?”
“I don’t need a mother, Kel. Or a lecture. So either go away…or get naked.” He kicked a bottle out of his way before reaching for another.
“Funny. I know you’re not serious. But I’m starting to think you’re too drunk to be remodeling.” She grabbed the bottle out of his hand before he could open the top. “No. No more. And not another ‘get-naked’ joke. We both know this isn’t like you.”
“Isn’t it?”
“You really think there’s enough alcohol in this room to numb the pain? I can tell you there isn’t.”
“You? You’ve never been drunk in your life. You told me that, remember? You lie?”
“No. I haven’t. But I’ve seen enough to know it doesn’t help. And I told you why, remember?” In one of their talks together she’d mentioned her mother’s love affair with the bottle. He’d been the one to help her deal with some of that.
He’d been there for her. How could she do any less for him?
Something flickered in his eyes. “You did. Sorry I’m being an ass. I think you should just go home. It’s getting late, and you don’t need to be in this part of town at this hour.”
“I don’t need a big brother protector, Josh. I’m only a mile from home, remember? And I’m worried about you. My dad is. J.T. is. Everyone who cares about you is a bit worried, you know.”
***
“Why? Because I’m struggling to deal with the futility of the job? It’s going to happen in this job. Big deal.” They both knew the truth. He’d worked for the CCU for six years, and never once had he just walked out. Today was that exception. “And Kel? I talked to Hell, I didn’t argue with him.”
“Come on. Truth.”
He was having a damned hard time meeting her eyes. Mostly because for the first time in their relationship he felt ashamed. He knew he was probably closer to drunk than not, and he had to look just a shade short of nuts.
He still wore the shirt and tie he’d worn into work that morning though he’d lost the jacket hours earlier.
The cotton was ruined, and he was lucky he hadn’t wrapped the crowbar around the tie and choked himself.
He didn’t know what had happened. He’d just gone home and taken a look around. And decided he was tired of living in a half-fixed life. So, he’d made the choice to take charge.
First the house. And then with the one person on earth who mattered most to him. Whether she liked it or not. And whatever happened, happened—at least they’d tried.
“Truth? I’m tired of spinning my wheels. We can get more people on this guy. PAVAD has the resources to do this. But it’s not as high priority. Yet.”
She surprised him by walking right up to him and wrapping her arms around him. “I’m sorry. I know it hurts to think about her.”
“Yeah. You could say that.” It hurt to think about how he’d failed her mother, most of all. He’d made a vow the day he’d told Becca’s mother she’d been murdered, and he intended to hold himself to that vow. And he was starting to feel like he’d failed his own mother—she’d asked him to be happy in his life. To find people to love, who loved him. He was on the outskirts of the Reynolds family, and he had a few friends he saw mostly at work.
And he had her.
“What did Hell say about the case?”
That Josh had to wait. That other cases were more immediate, either because of severity of violence, number of victims, or a lack of cooling off period between attacks. That every agent had the cases that touched just too damned close to home for comfort.
Josh hadn’t been stupid. He knew about personal flame cases; Dan’s were missing kids cases. It would always be missing kids for Dan. Hell’s were serial rapist cases.
For Josh, it would always be serial killers targeting women. Or twelve-year-old boys killed by their own fathers. He got that.
And as a scientist who’d studied victims his entire career, he was going to run into his trigger cases on a regular basis. He just had to balls up and deal. And decide if he wanted to go on trying to plug the ocean with his finger.
Tonight…beer and remodeling were his sucking it up. Until Kelly showed up to ruin it. “I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“Should you really be doing this?”
“What? House isn’t making any money in its current state. And I may decide to actually live in this one.”
“You know what I mean. Witness reports, forensic reports—that I worked really hard on, by the way—first on the scene reports, none deserve to be strewn across a filthy floor.” She bent over to pick them up, and over the dust and plaster and chemical smell that permeated the house, he could smell the unique scent that was Kelly. And he could almost reach out and touch her ass when she bent over. How was he supposed to think?
He balled his fingers into fists.
He wanted to reach out and grab her again. To have that long, thin body pressed right up against him like a damned puzzle. “Kelly, if you don’t want me to act like a damned caveman, it might be a good idea for you to take a few steps back. Or one hundred. That would be a good distance.”
She was bent over picking up his mess, and she paused. Turned slightly. Looked up at him. Her head was a little too close to him, too level with his pants. If he stepped forward just a bit…
He was not going to turn into a damned jerk tonight. Not with her.
Not with her, never with her.
“Josh?”
“Seriously…If you can’t figure out what the problem is, you’re not as smart as I think you are.”
She stood, and just like he suspected she would, took a few steps away from him. “Really?”
“Yeah, really. I can’t help myself. That’s one of the things I was going to talk to you about at lunch. If you hadn’t escaped me all weekend…”
He knew he was pushing the bounds between them, but sometimes he got so sick and tired of the way she ran from every change that life brought.
Hiding her head in the sand, that was her standard M.O.
He’d told himself to be patient—told himself that an hour or so ago when he was deep in thought about her. That once the sand washed away, and she processed or figured things out—whatever it was she did in that complicated mind of hers—he’d be the first person she saw. He’d make certain of that.
But sometimes he just got tired of waiting.
Tennessee was only two weeks ago. He got that. He didn’t want to steamroll her. His view had changed in Tennessee, and he’d acted.
Keeping pace with her was bringing him almost to a standstill.
He’d never liked that. When he saw something that needed doing, hadn’t he always done his best to get it finished?
Why should Kelly be any different?
Steamroller
met turtle—sometimes that was how he felt about the woman in front of him.
Fuck it. She was right there. He was just drunk enough to throw the idea of taking it slow with her out the window. Besides, he liked the way her eyes widened and her mouth parted when he surprised her.
He wrapped his hands around her waist and yanked her right back to where he wanted her. “I know you said no naked, but…maybe I can change your mind.”
Josh smirked down at her when he felt the tremors that ran through her just that quick.
“Why? So you can forget for a moment about all of this?” She waved a hand at the files spread out behind her. “You really think that will work? You’ll forget for a few minutes, but once we’re done, it’s right back to obsessing.”
“A few minutes? I’m sure it’ll take a lot longer than that?” He didn’t correct her; let her think that it was Becca’s case bothering him more than anything. But it wasn’t the case—it was the emptiness in his life the case represented.
He just wanted Kelly to fill that emptiness—even if it was just for a while. Maybe that was wrong of him; hell, he knew it was selfish and pathetic. But he wanted her. Needed her. More than he’d ever needed anyone before.
“I don’t know about you, but hard wooden floors, dust, splinters? Trust me…it would be over in less than five minutes, and neither of us would truly enjoy.” She shook her head at him. But she didn’t pull away. Or ram a fist into his gut for him being stupid with her.
He laughed. That wasn’t something he’d expected. Kelly wasn’t a very good flirt.
Smartass, yes. Flirt, no. “Ah, but the possibility at least exists.”
He was starting to think she liked it when he touched her this way. She’d never pulled away; any of the times he’d touched her. Why hadn’t he thought about that before?
“Come on. Does this place have running water?”
Ghosting (PAVAD: FBI Romantic Suspense Book 10) Page 7
