Star Wars - The Adventures of Lando Calrissian Trilogy

by L. Neil Smith

  As bars go, it was brightly lit and noisy, especially considering the small number of patrons so early in the afternoon. On both sides of the traditional louvered doors the inner, full-length doors were propped open with a pair of giant laser drillbits, souvenirs of the deep-bore mining of Rafa III, whose vacationing practitioners habituated the place. In the back, the ubiquitous native was emptying ashtrays over a waste can.

  The bartender, a scrawny specimen of indeterminate middle age, approached Lando, wringing his knobbly hands in a dark green apron. What little hair he still possessed was restricted to the back and sides of his otherwise highly reflective pate, and cut short. He had a nose friends might have called substantial, others spectacular. Tattooed permanently beneath it, a mild sneer, punctuated by a small mole on his chin.

  “Spacers' bars're all downtown about three blocks, Mac, he said in a peculiar drawl. “This here's a hardrock miners' joint.”

  Lando raised an eyebrow.

  “Ain’t sayin' y'can't drink here. Just likely y'won't want to - once the off-shift R and R crew starts t'fillin' the place up. It seemed a long speech for the wiry little man. He stood there, balanced on the balls of his feet, relaxed but ready, looking down at Lando from under half-closed eyelids, a foul-smelling cigar butt dangling from his mouth. A large, dangerous-looking lumpiness was apparent beneath one side of his apron bib.

  Lando nodded slightly. “Thanks for the advice; I'm meeting somebody here. Have you a pot of coffeine to hand?” Until he'd sat down, he'd almost forgotten the night's sleep he'd lost. Now it was catching up to him.

  “Some of m'best friends drink it,” the barkeep replied. “One mug comin' up.” He began to walk away, then paused and turned back to Lando. “Remember what I said, Mac. Splints an' bandages'll cost ya extra.”

  Lando nodded again, extracted one of the governor's cigars from a breast pocket, and settled back. Then, casually, he pulled the Key from an inside pocket. An optometrist's nightmare, it wouldn't hold still visually, even locked firmly in his hands. First it seemed to have three branches, then two, depending on your viewpoint. If you didn't shift the angle you were watching it from, it would oblige by shifting it for you. Lando averted his eyes.

  He sat like that for forty-five minutes without any seeing a reaction from anyone. Having long since finished his coffeine and tired of the cigar, at last he rose, left a small tip on the table, nodded amiably at the gnarled little bartender, and stepped outside on the boardwalk.

  “Master?”

  “Don't call me Master! Let's find another bar.”

  VI

  THE NEXT PLACE

  sported a small bronze plaque beside the door that stated:

  “FACILITIES ARE NOT PROVIDED FOR MECHANOSAPIENTS.”

  It meant “No droids allowed.”

  And it wasn't even true, not in its original rendering. Vuffi Raa had a sort of waiting room to park himself in, nicely furnished, quiet, with recharging receptacles. Only bigotry of the very nicest, highest-class sort was practiced there. Lando left the robot with a couple others of its kind watching a domestic stereo serial.

  Inside, three Toka swampers were distributing dirty water all over the floor. That they and their employers probably even thought they were washing only demonstrated that pretensions and sanitation don't necessarily go together. It was not quite dark, so the real drinking crowd hadn't arrived there yet, either. It didn't matter; Lando wasn't interested in them.

  Nearly an hour went by this time, Lando sipping a hot stimulant and toying discreetly with the Key. The thing was as evasive to the tactile senses as it was visually, he discovered, closing his eyes and examining it by touch. “Perverse” might be a better word, and even more nauseating, somehow. He opened his eyes with something resembling relief.

  On several occasions, he could have sworn that one or another of the natives was staring at him intently when he wasn't looking in their direction. Which was also precisely what he'd expected. He began to allow himself a feeble hope.

  Another hour, and two more saloons, brought him back to the Spaceman's Rest, the first such establishment he'd visited in Teguta Lusat, the day before. It seemed like a thousand years ago. The double-moustached alien proprietor was nowhere to be seen so early in the evening, but the droid behind the bar seemed to have had his memory banks attended to. He recognized Lando with a cordial mechanical nod.

  By then, the gambler was thoroughly coffeined out. He leaned against the bar, ordered a real drink, then took it back to a table and sat, unobtrusively displaying the weird, eye-straining Key as before, for everyone to see.

  One thing was different about the place: its multi-species clientele and robot bartender encouraged Lando not to leave Vuffi Raa outside in the street. After all, the little fellow was an item of valuable property (to somebody, someday, Lando hoped), and probably wouldn't like being stolen, either.

  That small mechanical worthy presently bellied - figuratively speaking - up to the bar, cutting up electronic touchés while the 'tender polished glasses. Lando had always wondered what robots talked about among themselves, but never enough to eavesdrop.

  Despite the tolerant atmosphere of the Spaceman's Rest, the usual Toka flunky was there, an elderly wretch distributing synthetic plastic sawdust on the floor from a bucket. Lando grew hopeful as the shavings around his table deepened to two or three times the thickness of those covering the rest of the barroom floor. The Toka kept circling, reluctant yet fascinated, rather like an insect around a bright light. He stared at the Key, tossed a worried glance toward the bar, then turned back to the Key again, drawn irresistibly. If he was concerned about the bartender's reaction, he needn't have bothered; the droid didn't even seem to notice, wrapped up as he was in his work and in conversation with Vuffi Raa. Maybe native productivity wasn't his department.

  On an odd impulse to see what would happen, Lando tucked the Key back into his pocket. Abruptly, the Toka dropped his pail with a crash and bolted out through the back of the room, leaving a fabric door-drape swinging behind him and a few gaping mouths among the sparse scattering of customers. Ordinarily nothing would induce the lethargic and prematurely senile natives to do anything in a hurry.

  Lando held his breath: could his lucky break have come so soon?

  He signaled the 'tender for another drink. Vuffi Raa obliged by bringing it over to the gambler.

  “I still think we'd make better progress in the library, Master.” He set the glass on the dark polished wood of the tabletop. Lando was having a talmog that evening, one part spiced ethanol to one part Lyme's rose juice, popular in a unique sunless, centerless system many hundreds of light-years away. It burned. Lando hated the things, which made them another drink he could nurse and re-ice all night if he had to.

  “Listen, little friend, let me do the detecting. For your information, I think I've got a bite already.”

  “A bite, Master?” The robot reached a free tentacle to the floor, scooped up a pinch of sawdust, and held it closely to his large red eye. “I would have thought the place to be cleaner kept than that. Perhaps the Board of Sanitation”

  “Vuffi Raa, how would you like to be reprocessed into sardine cans?”

  For the second time that afternoon, there was mirth in the robot's eye. “Master-”

  “Don't call me-” Lando stopped. The sawdust-spreader who had observed the gambler so closely was holding back the hanging for a veritable grandfather-of-grandfathers among the grandfatherly natives-a wizened, shriveled super-ancient nearly doubled over with the burden of his long life.

  The bartender had stopped his glass cleaning, stood silent as he watched the geriatric native hobble toward the gambler. The old man's straight white hair hung in matted tangles to his shoulders.

  “Lord,” the ancient Toka wheezed almost inaudibly, bowing until his forehead touched the tabletop. “It is as it was told. Thou art the Bearer and the Emissary. That which thou concealest is indeed the Fabled Key lost long ago.”

  The o
ther Toka was suddenly nowhere to be seen. Somehow the spell was broken. The barkeep gave a metal-jointed shrug, resumed his work.

  “I, er...” Now that Lando had made his contact, he realized he didn't quite know what to do with it. The ancient glanced at Vuffi Raa. Lando gave the little droid a scowl, which failed to rid him of the machine at what could be a delicate point in the proceedings. Vuffi Raa remained standing by the table, all attention focused on the old Toka.

  “Lord,” the worthy repeated. “I am Mohs, High Singer of the Toka. Knowest thou what thou holdest on thy person?” The elderly character straightened - as much as he was ever going to again in this life - and Lando noticed a tattoo on his forehead, a crude line drawing of the Key itself.

  “An unaccountably odd artifact,” he answered, unconsciously patting the irregular lumpiness of it in his inside jacket pocket. “Some kind of three-dimensional practical joke. But, please - sit down. Would you like something to drink?”

  The ancient glanced around, a furtive expression tucked deeply into the wrinkles in his face. The tattoo puckered on his forehead.

  “Such is not permitted, Lord. I”

  “Master,” the droid interrupted again.

  “Shut up, Vuffi Raa! Well, old fellow,” he said turning to Mohs, “wilt - will you at least tell me something more about the Key?” He took it out, held it in his hand.

  Mohs had to wheeze a little while before he could get the words out. “Thou wishest to test thy servant, then? So mote it be, Lord. Thy wish is my command.”

  The Toka launched into a long, whining gargle in a language that was vaguely familiar to Lando. Perhaps it was an obscure dialect from some system he'd visited. The effect on the dozen or so other patrons wasn't exactly salutory: they watched and listened, but Lando couldn't persuade himself to believe the expressions on their faces were friendly. He found himself wishing he'd sat a little nearer the door.

  The Toka's monolog went on and on, one of Mohs' bony hands indicating the Key occasionally, the rest of the time his weathered face turned upward toward the ceiling. Finally, the chanting ceased.

  “Have I recited rightly, Lord?”

  Lando scratched his smoothly shaven chin. “Sure. Perfectly. And - just as another test, mind you - let's have an abbreviated version in the vernacular.” He indicated the rest of the room. “Might win a few converts among the heathen. Think you're up to it?”

  “Lord?” The old man reached out shakily toward the Key, apparently thought better of it, withdrew the gnarled hand with obvious reluctance, then began. “This is the Key of the Overpeople, Lord Bearer, the Opener of Mysteries. It is the Illuminator of Darkness, the Shower of the Way. It is the Means to the End. It is-”

  “Hold it, Mohs, just tell me what it does.”

  “Why, Lord, as thou knowest perfectly well…” Mohs tapered off. Was that a hint of sudden skepticism in the ancient High Singer's eye? He began again, in a very slightly different tone of voice.

  “It releaseth the Mindharp of the Sharu, which in turn-”

  “Bull's Eye! Look, Mohs. As official Bearer of the Key, I have personally selected you to lead - in a purely ceremonial sense, of course - to lead a pilgrimage. We're going to use the Key. What do you think of that?”

  The thought that everything was happening too easily began to seep into the back of Lando's mind, but he repressed it savagely. He was stuck with his task and welcomed any lead that would get it over with.

  “Why, whatever else would we do, Lord? It must be as it has been told, else it would not have been told to begin with.”

  “I'm sure there's a hole in your logic somewhere, but I'm too tired right now to go poking for it. How soon can you start, then?”

  The old man raised his snowy eyebrows, and the crude representation of the Key on his forehead squashed itself from top to bottom like an accordion.

  “This very instant, Lord, if that be thy desire. Nothing supercedeth Their holy plan.” He cast a pious eye toward the ceiling fixtures again.

  “Good,” the gambler answered, once the native's gaze returned from its rafter rapture, “but I think we'll-”

  “Master!” The little droid's tone was urgent.

  “What is it, Vuffi Raa?”

  “Master, I hear trouble coming!”

  “Just what we needed.” Lando groaned.

  Suddenly, a man with a gun in his hand burst through the door. “All right, spaceboy,” he growled, pointing his massive weapon at the gambler, “get ready to die!”

  VII

  “MR. JANDLER! THE barkeep shouted, a panicky harmonic apparent in its electronic voice, “I'm terribly sorry, sir, but my employer has permanently restricted you from entering this' “Shut up, machine! Now where in blazes was I? Oh, yeah you there! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! It's just like Bernie down at the Pyramid told me! And not only with a snivelin', jobstealin' droid at the table, but a dirty Toka, too! What are you sailor, some kinda pervert?”

  The few patrons in the establishment instantly cleared a broad aisle between Lando and the intruder.

  “I don't know,” Lando replied evenly. “It wasn't my turn to watch. Now just who in the galaxy are you?”

  The man was good-sized, maybe eighty-five kilos, perhaps a shade under two meters tall. Over the powder-blue jumpsuit that draped his broad frame, he wore a dark blue tunic and neckcloth. He was neat, clean, shaved, and surprisingly sober for a thug, Lando thought. And with surprisingly good taste, as well.

  The man walked closer; the muzzle of his pistol didn't waver.

  The robot bartender hurried to Lando's table, placing himself between the two men. “He's the former owner of the Spaceman's Rest, Captain Calrissian, that was before I worked here. When the place changed hands, he tried to get a clause put in the agreement, never to allow-”

  “What do you mean 'tried,' you miserable junk heap? A contract is a contract! People got a right to make any contract they want!”

  Apparently undecided whether to shoot the young gambler or the bartender, Jandler was waving his gun around in a manner that tied knots in Lando's stomach. If it came to a choice, Lando hoped he'd choose the bartender as less messy - the bigot did seem to have some aesthetic sensitivities. The robot stood its ground.

  “Not when there's a system-wide ordinance against discrimination, sir, and especially not when you lost the place in a table game to a being who doesn't believe in discrimination.”

  The man swiveled on the machine - Lando thought about jumping him just then, but it remained a thought - and brought the weapon down hard on its plexisteel dome-top with a sickening crunch!

  “That for your ordinance!” he hollered, “and that - OWCH!”

  “You should never kick a droid, sir,” Vuffi Raa advised sympathetically as the man hopped around on one foot, cussing. Somehow Jandler found the concentration to peer menacingly at the starfish-shaped robot.

  “Quite right,” Lando offered, diverting Jandler's attention even further. “He might have another droid. Sic 'im, Vuffi Raa!”

  Jandler whirled on Vuffi Raa again. The five-tentacled 'bot stared at his master in bewilderment, but the distraction worked. The stranger took an ugly step toward Vuffi Raa, on his guard against the totally harmless little droid, and the bartender, despite its severely dented cranium, walloped the fellow on the back of the neck with a chair Lando toed over toward it.

  Jandler went down like a sack of mynock guano. A cheer rose from the dozen or so patrons in the room. They began gathering about Lando's table - somewhat unjustly ignoring the injured and heroic 'tender - lining up to shake the gambler's hand and pat him on the back.

  “I'm gratified,” Lando observed with a highly necessary shout - he hadn't so much as risen from his chair during the excitement and was taking a far worse beating now from his new admirers - “I'm gratified to see that not all robots are programmed categorically against violence.”

  More specifically to the crowd he said, “Thanks, it was nothing, honestly, thank you very much.�
��

  “He's only programmed against starting it, sir,” the bartender answered. “I'll just haul this fellow out in the street now, if you don't mind. By way of restitution for the disturbance, will you have a drink on the house?”

  “I'd rather have it on the table in front of me. And bring one for my friend, here. Mohs?”

  Lando jumped up. Mohs was gone.

  So was the Key.

  Turning quickly, Lando glimpsed the raveled tail of a graying garment whisking through the door-drape at the back of the room. He was through the little crowd and across the room with a speed that startled even the robots. He grabbed - and received a collection of knobbly knuckles in the teeth! Spitting blood, Lando seized the wrist attached to the knuckles, bit down hard in the meaty edge of the palm. Mohs let out a yelp and brained his erstwhile Lord left-handed with the Key. Releasing the old man's arm, a dazed, surprised, and angry Lando went for the throat with both hands, catching Mohs' knee, instead, right between the legs.

  Lando groaned and sank down to his knees, fighting the urge to vomit. This, however, put him in a position of advantage. As the elderly native - Lando couldn't make himself stop thinking of the savage in this manner - came in for another shot with the Sharu Key, Lando grabbed the nearest naked, dirty ankle that came to hand. Mohs went down on his back, with Lando on top, the old man biting and scratching.

  By this time, Vuffi Raa had made it to his master's side, where he hopped up and down, shouting advice that Lando couldn't hear and probably wouldn't have followed. It was scarcely a fair fight. As much as he would have liked to, Lando couldn't punch the “helpless” old fellow into submission. He simply attempted to hold on and ride the furious storm to its conclusion.

  They rolled across the storeroom, crashing into crates and cartons, and at one point fetching up against the lower extremities of the bartender, who had joined Vuffi Raa in supervising and kibitzing.