The Sidelined Wife

by Jennifer Peel

  I met my reflection one more time in all my natural glory. I would be okay. I repeated it over and over and over again. Maybe tomorrow I would believe it.

  Chapter Six

  With one last swipe of the pink sheer lip gloss that was probably expired, I answered my phone. Cody’s name appeared, making me anxious. He’d only been gone an hour. Barely enough time for me to shower, shave my legs, and put on some makeup. Every minute I was looking less and less haggish.

  “Hey, kiddo, what’s up?” I tried to sound cool and collected. Inside I was imagining a concussion and someone using his phone to give me the terrible news.

  “I forgot my extra water bottle and towel.”

  “Uh-huh. And I suppose you want me to bring these items to you.”

  “You’re the best.” He hung up.

  It was a good thing I worked for my dad. My hours were flexible, and it’s not like I had ever really needed to work except for when Neil was still in medical school. I supposed working was more important now. Not that I couldn’t live off the alimony and child support, but I couldn’t depend on that forever. Honestly, I should probably be looking for another job to support myself. My part time job doing the books was a nice supplement, but I would be in trouble if I had to live off it. Something to think about in the very near future. Kid first.

  Every time I’d driven the last few days, I took a moment to laugh evilly in my head, or sometimes out loud if I was feeling particularly ticked. Which was pretty much all the time lately. For spite, I’d asked for Neil’s luxury sedan in the divorce. He loved this car. It was the kind of car that said he’d made it. Meanwhile I had been stuck driving our old minivan. Neil hated the van. It wasn’t my dream car either, but it was convenient to haul Cody and all his friends around, especially when they had gear with them. That car shouted domestic suburban bliss. That in and of itself was a good reason to let Neil inherit it. He shattered the illusion of domestic bliss I had constructed for our family. He deserved the car that propagated that lie. And I quite enjoyed the fine leather seats and sunroof of my new car. Not to mention the navigation system and fantastic sound system. Except I wasn’t playing classical music over it like Neil used to, unless classic rock counted.

  I was surprised Neil hadn’t put up a fight to keep his car. But he had surprised me a lot over the last year. None of it good.

  I pulled into the school parking lot and noticed there was still a lot of construction going on for the new addition. The added space was a long time coming and the reason school was starting two weeks late this year, the day after Labor Day. It caused a big brouhaha in the district. People were up in arms that school would run until mid-June this school year. I wasn’t fond of it either, but I had been watching my life fall apart, so it was small in comparison. Honestly, school starting later this year worked for me. Having the divorce finalized before Cody started school was a good thing. We both needed that closure.

  It was a steamy end-of-August morning. Mother Nature had teased us last week with a few fall-like days, so the humidity felt especially sticky. I hated Cody practicing out in this kind of weather, but Cody assured me they took plenty of water breaks. The team had water available, but Cody was particular about his water bottles. He had the kind that kept water cool, no matter the temperature outside. And I was glad he still felt like he could call me. Besides, it gave me a good excuse to check on him.

  The humidity was doing no favors for my naturally wavy hair I hadn’t really had time to do. All I got was some styling spray spritzed into it. It had taken me forever to unclog the spray bottle; I hadn’t used it in months. Not like it did any good, the weather was making my hair look like I had gotten a perm.

  I shuttled across the parking lot to the practice field situated well away from the school. With each step I felt my hair curling. I almost used Cody’s towel to wipe off the sweat dripping down into my bra. He probably wouldn’t have appreciated that. Even before I reached the field I could hear loud grunts and helmets colliding. Whistles blew and coaches raised their voices giving direction. I skirted the edge of the field near some bleachers. I didn’t want to interrupt or embarrass Cody. I could see him on the far end of the field practicing with the offensive coordinator and the other two quarterbacks.

  I wrestled with what to do. Stay out in the sauna until some kind of break was called? Or pass Cody’s items off to one of the coaches on the sidelines? I zeroed in on Reed talking to a small group of assistants and coordinators. Oddly enough, when I focused on him he looked up and caught my eye. He tilted his head, probably wondering what I was doing there. It wasn’t like parents were invited to practice. Or maybe he couldn’t believe I would show my face in public after the show my family put on for him last night at my expense. Or perhaps he was remembering the forest on my knee where his hand had landed. I still thought his gesture was weird. I looked down at my longish legs that were smooth as a baby’s butt today.

  When I tipped my head up I was surprised to see Reed walking my way, grinning. He was looking grown-up in his tan shorts and polo shirt monogrammed with the school name and Coach Cassidy written under it. Despite that, all I could see was the boy with a mischievous glint in his blue eyes.

  On a second glance, maybe that boy had grown up to look like . . . what? Thinking it made me giggle inside. I had to press my lips together so that laugh didn’t escape, but the closer he got the harder it was to suppress. How did little Reed Cassidy grow up to look like one of those men that graced sports and celebrity magazines? I don’t know why I found that so funny. By the time he got to me a snicker escaped.

  “What’s so funny?”

  Should I tell him? “I just can’t get over you coaching Cody’s team.” Not exactly what I was thinking, but true nonetheless.

  His well-kept eyebrows knitted together. “I’m not a teenager anymore.”

  “I guess in my head you’ll be forever fifteen.”

  He let out a heavy breath and focused on the towel and water bottle I was holding. “Do you need me to give those to Cody?” His smile was long gone.

  It made me realize how rude I probably sounded. “I am so sorry. What I just said was ridiculous. I’m turning into my mother.”

  I noticed his eyes graze over me. “I wouldn’t exactly say that.” His smile was back.

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I made things more awkward. “I’m sure I’ll get over the fact I used to babysit you and see you as you know, what you are now.”

  This is what happens when you hide yourself away for months. I must have lost some brain cells along the way. Who was I and what was coming out of my mouth?

  He stepped closer. His eyes were laughing at me. “And what am I now?”

  I waved over his tall, lean body. He had at least five to six inches on me, which was weird because I used to be taller than him, but I maxed out at five-feet-eight.

  I sputtered for words. “You know, a . . . grown-up person.”

  His laugh was loud and in my face.

  As if the heat and humidity weren’t bad enough, embarrassment coursed through me, making me feel like I had been swallowed by hell. I pushed Cody’s towel and water bottle toward him. “If you could give these to my son, I would really appreciate it.”

  He wasn’t taking them. He could hardly catch a breath he was laughing so hard.

  I took matters into my own hands. I would give them to Cody myself. I needed to be anywhere except where I was. I headed for the field as fast as my strappy wedge sandals would take me.

  It didn’t take Reed long to come after me. “Hey, Sam.”

  I ignored him. The situation worsened when several of Cody’s friends saw me and some of them said, “Hi, Mrs. Higgins.”

  It was like my kryptonite. My feet froze in the sweltering summer heat. Everyone told me not to change my last name because of Cody, but I could no longer be Samantha Higgins. She had been destroyed. But to everyone, that was who I was.

  “Sam, are you okay?”

 
I met Reed’s concerned eyes and made more of a fool of myself. “I’m Samantha Decker.” My frame shook.

  At first, confusion flooded his eyes and then a softening appeared. “I always liked that name. It suits you.”

  His words helped me snap out of my minor breakdown. A friendly scoff escaped. “You used to tease me about it.” Peter and him taunted me about having a “boy” name.

  “I plead my brain not being fully developed yet.”

  I shoved Cody’s things toward him. “I need to go.”

  He partially took the towel and held it between us. “Sam, I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re going through.” He didn’t sound at all like the boy I once knew.

  It was then I realized how close we stood together and how weird it seemed. I let go of the towel, leaving it in his capable hands. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for . . . well, for . . .” I couldn’t articulate a thing. What had happened to me? I had a degree in English. I sounded like I minored in stupidity.

  I might have detected worry in his eyes, like maybe he should be calling someone for a mental health evaluation for me. It probably wasn’t a bad idea.

  I turned to flee the scene. I made it ten feet before Reed yelled out, “I’m sorry about your Bryan Adams poster and t-shirt.”

  I stopped and smiled, but couldn’t face him. I felt too much like an idiot. Cody apparently had a big mouth.

  “Bye, Sam.”

  “Bye,” I softly murmured.

  Chapter Seven

  I walked up the wooden steps to the office, still shaken about the events that had taken place at the school. I took a deep breath, or several, and admired the beautiful wraparound deck my dad and brothers built last year around the double-wide that was our office, or as my brothers referred to it, headquarters. I guess that made it sound manlier. Our “headquarters” were located just outside Clearfield near a nursery and an apple orchard. We had a deal with the nursery for discounted materials and they had given us plenty of referral business. In exchange, we gave them free snow removal service in the winter.

  I was glad only Avery was in the office when I arrived. She was really the one who ran the place. She did all the scheduling and most of the communicating with customers, unless they had unpaid invoices, then that was me. She also did all the landscape design work, as well as any company logos or materials. She had such a talent. She could transform any yard or business front.

  James and Avery made a good team. His knowledge of plants, coupled with her gift, is what put us on the map. Their work had been showcased in several model homes and dozens of businesses, including large corporations in the Chicagoland area. They were the perfect couple, if there ever was such a thing. I would be jealous, but they deserved it. Not to say I hadn’t wished for a relationship like theirs. The one where the husband couldn’t keep his hands off his wife and she couldn’t get enough of him even though they’d been together for over twenty years. Every time James would smack Avery’s butt in the office, I would think, why doesn’t Neil ever do that? Or why didn’t he undress me with his eyes? Roxie popped into my head. I pushed the tramp back out. Mostly. How could I not compare myself with her? But it wasn’t only her. I had lost my luster long before she entered the picture.

  I shook my head and begged the tears to take a hike. I was Samantha Decker. Which reminded me of how ridiculous I’d sounded at the football field. I sighed and smoothed out my poly-cotton sundress before heading in.

  Avery’s gorgeous blonde head popped up from the front desk when I walked in to the jangle of the bell. “Wow. Look at you. What’s the occasion?”

  “What do you mean?” I shut the door to revel in the cool inside air.

  She gave me that smile that said, I think you need help. Believe me, I knew.

  “Oh, honey, did you look in the mirror?”

  Wait. I hadn’t told her about my mirror aversion, had I? I thought I kept that one close to the vest. She basically knew everything else about my pathetic existence, but that tidbit seemed better to keep private.

  I nodded in response to her question.

  “Did you notice anything?”

  I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “I think I might have lost a few pounds, but don’t worry, I plan on making those up.” Not like losing a few pounds hurt me.

  She laughed. “I was talking about how sexy you look today. I’ve always been jealous of your naturally curly hair. It has this 1980’s pinup-poster-girl vibe to it.”

  “What?” I ran my fingers through my unruly hair. “I haven’t looked sexy in at least sixteen years.”

  She shook her head at me. “That’s a negative. Maybe you haven’t felt it, but whether you believe it or not, you’re one hot mama.”

  “Did you fall and hit your head this morning when you went running?”

  She laughed the daintiest, cutest laugh ever. “I don’t think I’m the one with head issues here.”

  “Tell me about it.” I related my recent mortifying tale to her.

  She came around her desk and hugged me. She was so petite. I towered over her when I wore any sort of a heel.

  For a tiny thing, she was strong and squeezed hard. “You’re brave and beautiful, and you’re going to get through this.”

  “You sound like those positive affirmation skits from Saturday Night Live.”

  “Well, gosh darn it, people do like you,” she mocked the skit.

  “I’m not so sure Reed Cassidy does anymore. Can you believe I called him a grown-up?”

  She released me. “Serves him right. The snot snuck into the champagne at my wedding.”

  “I totally forgot about that. Ma was so mad. I think even Peter drank some.” They couldn’t have been older than thirteen or fourteen.

  “I do have to say, though, he grew up to look mighty fine.”

  “Avery.”

  “What? I mean, it’s not like I want to leave James for him. But don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that he kind of has it going on.”

  “I babysat him. If I thought like that I would be a pedophile.”

  Her dainty laugh turned into a very un-lady-like snort. “You’re not even six years older than him. And it’s not like you changed his diapers or anything, or did you?”

  “No. I think he and Peter became friends in the fourth grade.”

  “Then you can totally admire his . . .”

  “His what?”

  “Oh, never mind. If you haven’t noticed already, I can’t help you. But seriously, check out his butt the next time you see him.”

  She got me to laugh. “Does James know you checked out his butt?”

  “He was the one who pointed it out to me.” She gave me a devious smile.

  I headed for my office in the back, smiling at her attempts to make me feel better.

  “Hey,” she called out. “I read your blog post this morning. It was poignant and tragically beautiful.”

  I turned back to face her. “Oh. I forgot about that. I think I’m going to delete it.”

  “Don’t. It’s a good reminder.”

  “Of how much my life sucks?”

  “Not at all. It’s a reminder that even the best of us must go through the worst, but it only makes us better.” She more than anyone knew that. Losing Hannah was the worst of the worst. How she still smiled and functioned made me admire her even more.

  “Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that James was lucky enough to coerce you into marrying into our family?” The day James brought her home from the gym my senior year of high school was a game changing day for our family. James had some chasing to do, but he knew what he had in her and never gave up.

  “If you hadn’t been part of the package, I would have said no.” She went back to work as if she hadn’t made my day. She had no idea what her friendship had meant to me over the years, and especially this last year. She was a sister to me in the truest sense of the word.

  ~*~

  I got settled at my desk and realized what a mess it had bec
ome. I used to be so organized you would hardly ever find a piece a paper on my desk. Now it was covered in invoices that needed to be filed, along with a few granola bar wrappers. That was changing, starting now. I was going back to the land of the living. Barely functioning wasn’t cutting it. How could I expect Cody to move on if I didn’t?

  I took the first hour of my day and cleaned my entire office, including dusting. I didn’t pause until I found the picture of Neil and me I had kept stashed in my top drawer. It was one from our honeymoon in London. After he told me about the affair, he’d talked about going there again. He knew I always wanted to go back. But I didn’t want to go back under those circumstances. When he told me about Roxie, the thought of him touching me made me physically ill. Besides, he probably would have only done some family research. It wouldn’t have been the romantic trip that our honeymoon had been. I stared at the young couple with stars in their eyes riding on top of a double decker bus. Who would have ever thought they would end up like this? Who would have ever thought that man would quit looking at me as if I was his one and only?

  No crying. I steeled myself and tore the picture into pieces before tossing it in the wastebasket.

  Going through this exercise reminded me of something our therapist said to Neil. He told Neil that he needed to learn to get out of his head. To look around and see, not only what he was missing, but to see what I had done for our family, for him. I didn’t want to become a victim of my own head. I didn’t want to miss out on life, especially Cody’s life.

  I took that moment to log into my computer and volunteer for the football booster club. I could help sell tickets and merchandise at the school before game days. I would also tell Dad that our business would sponsor an ad in the programs they handed out at each game. I would ask Avery if she could make an ad or maybe repurpose one we already used.

  I sat back and stared at the screen. I could do this. Like everything else, I was going to keep saying it until I believed it.