I walk back out on the terrace and say, “He’s missing. Do you know where he is?” No reply. I didn’t expect one. My heart aches with frustration. These men could help if they wanted. I feel it! “Please! Can’t you help me this once?” Nothing but darkness is my response. I sink into a crouch and tug at my hair. “Where is he?” I mutter. “God, I’m so worried about him.”
My bones begin to sting from the cold when I feel it, that displacement of air around me. What is it that makes me feel this way?
“Go inside. The temperatures are too low for you to be out here like this.”
He’s right. Whoever he is. Two booted feet are planted directly in front of me. I stretch my neck to see the man standing before me, but again, it’s too dark to see his face.
“Do you have a name?”
He laughs. “Of course I have a name.”
“Stop laughing at me. I’m not in the mood.”
“I can see that. Go inside. You’ll end up chilled, like you did that other time. Will you want me to warm you then?”
What an ass! “I … you … that was uncalled for!” I sputter.
“Maybe. Maybe not. Your boyfriend isn’t here. If you get chilled, what will you do?”
“You are an ass!”
“There are many who would agree with your observations. However, do you find fault with mine?”
He does have a good point. “No,” I begrudgingly say.
“Excellent. Now, get inside! I don’t want to repeat myself again.”
Who is he to think he can boss me around?
“I know you’re worried about your boyfriend. What if I offered you a deal?”
“A deal?”
“Yes. What if I sent someone to find him and report back to me? Would you go inside then?”
“If you find him, will you tell me where he is?”
“Yes. But you cannot go to him unescorted.”
“That’s crazy. Who will go with me? Sister Mary Elizabeth?”
He really laughs now.
“I hardly think …” he begins.
“Exactly. That’s why I’ll go.”
“Then no deal.”
“At daybreak then, I hunt for him on my own.”
He produces a sound that resembles a growl. He really does not like it when you disagree with him. Too bad. I’m my own person and will do as I please.
“You shall do no such thing.”
“Oh? How are you going to stop me?”
“I’m working on it.” He sounds as though he’s gritting his teeth. I hope he has teeth. I still can’t see what he looks like.
“Hey, why won’t you show me your face?”
“Need to know.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t need to know. The less you know about us, the better off you are. I’m not even supposed to be speaking to you. It violates all codes.”
“What codes?”
“Do you ever stop asking questions?”
“Yeah, when I have sufficient answers. Right now, I have nothing.”
“And that’s what will save your life. You do understand this is no game?”
“Listen mister, I understand better than anyone,” and I poke him straight in the chest. “I’m the one who saw her family mutilated with their throats shredded and slashed like something you’d see in a horror flick. Do you think I could ever forget that scene? I’ll have that embedded in my own hard drive until the day I die. And you ask why I have so many questions. Wouldn’t you? Tell me, wouldn’t you?” My voice rings out over the darkness.
“Yeah, I would.”
He backs away from me with the parting words, “Go inside,” and then fades back into the landscape. He’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’m going to do what I want to do, with or without his consent. Because when it comes to Kade, I have to find him. If he needs help, then he’s going to get it from me. I’ll see to it.
Fifteen
The Seven
Sabin paces the perimeter of the convent’s yard while he reflects on his interaction with Juliette. Rafe tells Andros to take lead on the watch while he and Edge move closer to Sabin. They know to keep their mouths shut while Sabin thinks. A disturbance of any kind will likely end up in them getting their asses handed to them in a box with a bow on it.
Sabin stops, his black eyes pierce the two of them, and he starts up again. Then he turns and is in their faces. “She must have a superior IQ. We’ve found that sometimes when a person has an IQ higher than one forty, their perceptions are more tightly focused. That’s all I can come up with.
“It’s every time though. Doesn’t matter what we do or the methods we employ, she gets us. I wonder how accurate she is. Maybe we could use her as a sniper,” Edge says.
Sabin shoots a look of disgust at him. “Are you ever gonna fucking grow up? A sniper.” He slowly shakes his head as his eyes dig into Edge. “She’s a damn girl who’s lost everything she knows and you come up with that shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Edge shrugs. “I kinda thought it was a good idea.”
“Yeah, well, I’m gonna send you to the school of good ideas, if you don’t straighten your ass out. That pussy tattoo you said you’d get? I think I’m going to switch it to ‘I Thought I Was Smart But I’m A Dumb Fuck.’ Then he looks at Rafe and says, “You need to do something about him.”
Edge drifts away from them. He doesn’t want another ass chewing.
“What did you tell her?” Rafe asks.
“That we protect. She thought I was going to kill her! Christ. I didn’t even think of that. All this time she’s been thinking that.”
“Damn.”
“And here we are, going on and not knowing. We’re more worried about how she can see us. We don’t understand what she goes through every day. Her eyes. You should’ve seen them.”
Rafe adds, “I guess we were too focused on staying in the background.”
“She told me I could have the necklace.”
Rafe chuckled. “She has no idea, does she?”
“None at all.”
“So, what’s next?”
“Just keep her safe. Now that she knows that’s what we do, maybe it’ll be easier.”
After Sabin’s second chat with Juliette, he sends Drey out to look for Kade. “Find out everything you can. I’m not sure where he’ll be, but she’s threatening to look for him herself, and we can’t have that. Understand?”
“Yes sir.” Drey leaves and says he’ll report in as soon as he finds something.
Sabin looks at Rafe. “We can’t have her running around all over the place looking for Hart. Her danger level increases to the red zone if we do. She’ll need several escorts, and I’m almost tempted to bring whoever escorts her, out of hiding.”
“You’re serious?” Rafe asks.
“If she’s out at night, trying to find him, yeah, I’m serious. Let’s see if Drey finds him.”
They don’t hear from him all day.
Sixteen
Kade
During the flight home my head is filled with a cesspool of things my father did to me. There were times he forced drugs into my veins. That’s not to say the drugs weren’t welcomed, but he would threaten to give me an overdose.
“You love this shit so much, here, let me help you with it.”
His bully would hold me while he’d tie a tourniquet around my arm until my vein would surface.
“The question is, Kade, do you love it enough to die for it?” The sting of the needle would pierce my skin, plunging into my vein, as he pushed the heroin into me. “Want me to fill you up until you can’t take anymore? Until your veins bust open with this shit? Is this what you want? I can make everything go away.” His voice would taunt me.
Truth was, I never knew if I’d live or die after one of his visits.
Why am I thinking about all of this now? I thought I had purged all of this from my mind … from my soul. My spirit rages within me, fighting to rid itself of the
se awful memories, the depravity of my former life. Was it being with my family that triggered it all or is it my insecurities over Juliette?
Home. I need to get home as quickly as possible. I need those comforts surrounding me.
The plane can’t land fast enough. I sprint to my truck, which is parked nearby. My hands are shaking when they attack the steering wheel. It’s a good thing I don’t live that far from Centennial Airport, but the drive seems endless. When I pull into my driveway, I slump in my seat. Sitting here, I collect myself before I get out. Coming home is what I wanted, wasn’t it? But what I thought would feel great feels like a cold, empty space. I walk directly to my room and begin to unpack, but I’m hit with that urge … that fucking urge that I know will calm me and take all this shit away.
Oh, God, no! Stop! I can’t go through this again. I can’t. My ass hits the floor and I want to tear my fucking hair out. Why now? After all this time? What the hell is wrong with me? This room … this bed. It should be my sanctuary. My place of perfect peace. But all I see is Juliette. Naked, writhing, and moaning my name between her lush lips. And she wants me. She thinks I’m the man who can be there for her. And I’m not. I am nothing. Nothing but a helpless shell, not worthy of her.
I grab my hoodie and get the hell out of here. I can’t stay here. This place haunts me. Fills me with such remorse over what I’ve done to her … made her feel and think. Why? Why did I do that?
My brain is filled with voices. Voices of Langston. Escaping is my only choice. I do the only thing I know. Disappear.
My feet are my friends. They know what to do. They carry me where they want and I don’t have to tell them. And soon I find that place where my mind can hide, my blank slate where the monster can’t touch me. My haven. It’s a place I resided in for years until music saved me. But right now, I need to expunge everything. The barbed wire is too much for music to soothe. It’s ripping into my guts, my organs, tearing jagged pieces of my heart out. Can anyone see them, lying about? Can they hear the cracking of my ribs, my bones splintering, as my heart is torn out?
Eventually, numbness pervades, suffuses, but not enough. I crave. Intensely. I am Kade Hart, the drug addict. My haven disappears. The walls shatter like glass. His voice returns, like an ice pick, ripping out my spine, vertebra by vertebra.
“You know you want it, don’t you? Just admit it. Go get it. Find it, you spineless bastard, because that’s what you are. You’re Kade Fucking Hart, drug addict extraordinaire.”
I am that person. I will always be that person.
I look around. I’m in a park and it’s daylight. Did I pass the entire night here? Probably not because I would’ve frozen to death. I cram my hands in my pockets and the corners of my lips curl. Unlike old times, I feel cash. A good bit of it.
Time to seek out what I need. What I want to ease this shit I’m feeling. I take a good look around and find I’m not in the best part of town, but not the worst either. But that’s where I’m headed. I know where I need to go. Where I can find what I need. My problem is I don’t know who to buy from, but with cash, that shouldn’t be an issue. I have one thing on my side. Experience.
It takes longer than I would’ve liked, but by late afternoon, I finally have a connection. Except it lands me in a bit of trouble. The dude thinks I’m an undercover cop. His groupies frisk me and I end up taking a beating. Nothing that I can’t handle, though. This time, unlike when Langston’s bullies went at me, I give back as good as I get. When the dude is satisfied I’m okay, we make a transaction. I tell him he could’ve just looked at my arms. “Ever seen a cop with old track marks like this?”
We part ways and my cache burns a hole in my pocket. Smoke it, snort it, or inject. What to do? No injecting. Too risky. Probably smoking. But do I really want to?
I start to analyze things. Something clicks in my head. This will be it. I know if I do this, I die. Is my life so unbearably bad, that I would sacrifice myself for this?
My wanderings keep me moving for another night. I spend this night amongst Denver’s homeless. I’m in a T-shirt and a hoodie, and it’s freezing out. But I barely feel the cold. There’s a young boy with his mother, who is shivering next to me. He must be six or seven. I was that boy once, shivering in my padded cell, locked away where no one could find me. He needs my shirt more than I do. So I take off my hoodie and slip off my T-shirt.
“Give this to your boy. It might help keep him warm.”
She eyes me suspiciously. The homeless are like that. No one offers them much. “Go on, take it. It’s warmer than what he has on. It’s a heavy T-shirt.” It’s thick, and long-sleeved. He’ll swim in it, but that may work to his advantage. If it weren’t late December in Denver, I’d offer him my hoodie too. As it is, I’m nearly freezing myself.
“Thank you,” she says and puts it on him. A small face smudged in gray looks at me over her shoulder. Then he smiles. That makes it all worthwhile.
I put my hoodie back on and settle in for the night. And it’s a long one. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid the monster will fill my dreams with his vileness. I’m also frightened that I’ll see Juliette’s face and guilt will render me helpless.
My craving is now matched by my urge for music. I need to play, but I know if I return home, Juliette will be there. I have no words for her. I’m a terrible person for running off like I have. Selfish. Loveless. Faithless. Mack will think I’m a failure, and I’ve finally lived up to Langston’s expectations. I am nothing. Not worthy.
By late morning, I know where I need to go. The heroin still burns a hole in my pocket, beckoning, calling, but before I cave, there is one last place I need to visit.
I’m exhausted, hungry, filthy, and not fit to enter, but I do anyway. And that sense of peace I always feel here permeates through me, seeping into my worthless flesh and bones, but more importantly, my soul. I’ve never been a religious person because I’ve always thought God abandoned me. But when I’m here, it feels special for some reason.
Climbing the stairs to the choir loft, I sit and stare at the organ for a moment, before I divert my attention to the beautiful stained glass cross. I need answers. And fast. My cravings are leveling out, but they aren’t going away.
A nun comes and goes and I think about Juliette. Is she worried about me? What am I doing here? Does God have the answers or do I? Are they in my heart, my head, my soul? Or am I so irreparably damaged that there is no help or answers for me?
I rest my head on my hands and close my eyes. Images drift in and out, but mostly they are of Juliette. When I lift my head, my neck is stiff. I look down across the church and notice the sun’s rays streaming in through the stained glass. Hours must’ve passed because the angle of the sun now tells me it’s late afternoon. I must’ve slept that long.
Standing, I stretch out the kinks in my neck, back, and legs, then walk down the stairs. I stop to stare one more time at the colorful cross, and try to figure out the path I will take. I hear the creaking of the huge wooden doors opening behind me, the ones that lead to the narthex, and I turn slightly to see who it is. I am in no condition to be in church. I should hide or leave, but I stay.
In walks Juliette. Everything in my body ceases to move—my heartbeats stop, my lungs won’t work, and my legs don’t obey. Her face is filled with such unease—bruises and creases line her eyes that weren’t there before—it nearly brings me to my knees.
“Oh, God, Kade! Are you all right? I’ve been …” Then she runs and hugs me like I’m the greatest thing in the universe. But I’m not. I’m no one. I’m not her hero. “What? What happened?”
My head pivots back and forth. But no words will come.
“Talk to me, Kade. What happened? We’ve been searching for you. Mack started looking for you when you didn’t show up. Please tell me so I can help.”
“You can’t help. I’m not that guy you thought I was.”
“You are. Tell me. Please. Let me get you back home. I can call Mack.”
; “No. Just you, Juliette.”
“Can you walk? I can get Father Anthony to drive us.”
“Walk. But can we sit here a minute?”
“Yes!”
She leads me to a pew and we both take a seat. “Kade, when was the last time you ate?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, God. Just tell me you’re okay and not hurt.”
“I’m not hurt.”
“Why is your face all scraped and black and blue?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
My hands are clenched in my pockets because I don’t want her to see them shaking, nor do I want her to see the drugs. I almost lose it, my hold on everything nearly crumbles when she slides her hand in my hair and say, “I’m here for you. Whatever it is, you can tell me, Kade.”
“I’ve been on the streets since I got back.”
Her voice trembles when she asks, “Okay. Can you tell me why?”
Her hand is still in my hair and she forces me too look at her. I want to die. And I want to crawl on top of her all at the same time. This beautiful woman whom I’m hell bent on destroying.
“I’m going to ruin you, Juliette.” My confession rips me apart.
“No, Kade, you’re not. I promise.”
She smiles and it lights up the entire church.
“The trip, it triggered all kinds of memories of Langston. I don’t know why. I thought it may have been you, but I don’t know. Maybe it was being around my family.” And I tell her everything.
When I’m done, her hand pulls mine out of my pocket and forces my fingers open. “Do you really want to do this? Do you really want to die? Because that’s what will happen and if you do, then he wins, Kade. Don’t let him win. You have to let the light in. If you don’t, the darkness will prevail. Don’t let the darkness that’s Langston win. Do you hear me? You are so much more than that.”
She’s right. I don’t want him to win. He won the whole time I was growing up.
The Fall and Rise of Kade Hart: A Hart Brothers Novel Page 20
