“I want to win this time, Juliette.”
Her soft hands cup my face. “Kade, I want you to win, too. And I know you can! But don’t do it for anyone but yourself. Ultimately, you are the only person who counts here.”
“You’re right.”
“Can we go home now?” she asks.
“One thing first.” I hold her hand and take her back up the steps where the huge pipe organ sits. I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to play, at this moment, with her by my side. “Sit with me while I play.” It seems only fitting that I choose the one of very first songs I ever played for her—Rhapsody On a Theme of Paganini, one of my favorites by Rachmaninoff. My fingers quickly waltz across the many keys. The organ doesn’t sound quite the same as the piano, but the huge pipes drive the wind through them, creating various pitches and timbres sending the vibrations clear through my bones. When I finish, I turn to her and say, “I’m ready now.”
“That was lovely, Kade.”
She helps me up and we leave St. John the Baptist Church, but not before I take one last look at the beautiful stained glass cross.
Seventeen
Juliette
I’ve been everywhere I know to look. Living Free. The NA places I think he’d go. The music hang outs he’d mentioned. Nothing. I’ve run out of options. My shadows never contacted me, so I’m on my own for this. I will not abandon Kade. Something’s happened; I know it. I’m not about to leave him out there alone and hurting.
On a fluke, I try the church. I don’t even know why, but I do. When I walk in, there he is, looking as cold and still as one of the statues he stands near.
My first inclination is to jump for joy, but the expression on his face worries me. Something’s not right. I’m not sure what it is, but I aim to find out.
When I approach him, the first thing I notice is that he’s filthy and his face is bruised. It looks like he was in a fight or something. Where the hell has he been? I want to tackle and interrogate him, but I know that’s not the right way to handle this. He’s off—not acting right. So I go slow, let him lead me. And when he explains, his words crush me; my insides literally implode. It takes everything I have not to break down and sob. But a weeping woman is not what he needs. He needs strength. Someone he can lean on, and that’s what I give him.
When I unclench his fingers one by one and find what he’s hiding, I want to die. This man, who has been so strong and giving of himself, done so much for others, is dying inside. The message that packet of white dust carries is such a catastrophic blow that I have to find a way to bring him back—to make him understand that he is not only important to me but to so many others. Does he not understand how many people he’s helped? Does he not see how much better this world is with him in it?
As we walk back to his place, I plan to show him. Because so many people need Kade Hart, including me.
When we get home, we walk upstairs, and I take him straight to his bathroom, where I turn on the water. I flush the drugs down the toilet and help him undress. Then I undress and we get in the shower. This is not about sex; it’s about healing.
His torso is badly bruised, on both sides of his ribs, but I ask no questions. I don’t need to. It’s obvious he’s been in a fight. I’m not even sure I want to know the details. I squeeze a dollop of his body wash into my palm and work up a lather. Starting at his neck, I cover every inch of his body, taking great care around the areas that appear to be tender. I use a washcloth on his cheeks, just to make sure they are cleansed of all the dirt. Finally, I massage his scalp as I wash his hair.
I take a quick shower myself, washing my hair as well. When I’m finished, I grab several towels, wrap one around him, and then dry myself off. I grab some sweats for him and he declines.
“Just some boxers. I want to get in bed.”
He tells me where to find them and when I get back, he’s scrubbing his teeth. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going to make him something to eat and drink and I’ll be right back. I throw on some of his sweats and go downstairs. I whip up a sandwich, some chips, and an ice water and bring it back to him. He’s sitting up in bed and wolfs it right down.
“I can’t remember the last time I ate,” he tells me.
“Want another?”
“Do you mind?”
I run down and make him another.
“Here you go.” He gobbles that one down, too. “Kade, tell me the truth. Do you feel better about things? Or do you need me to call Mack?”
“No to Mack. You’re right. Langston can’t win. I’m not going to let him win. Jules, I don’t know why this all came crashing down on me. I felt so out of it at my brother’s. Uncomfortable, you know? Like I needed to be back here. But when I got off the plane it was overwhelming.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
I take his hands in mine. “How many people have you helped in NA and at Living Free?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Guess. Ten? Twenty? More?”
“More, probably.”
“Do you think any of those people would miss you if you weren’t here? Would their lives be worse without you? And answer truthfully.”
“Yeah to both. I do think they’d miss me.”
“Has Living Free fulfilled something for people that has kept them off drugs?”
“Definitely.”
“Don’t you see, Kade? Without you in this world, lots of people would never be where they are today, including me. Some of them would probably be dead!” I squeeze his hands. “You have made a huge difference for so many. You are not ‘no one.’ You have never been ‘no one.’ You are someone. You are Kade Hart. And you are worthy. Do you hear me? Don’t let the words of that vile bastard ever make you think otherwise. And if you ever have doubts about yourself where I’m concerned, come to me. I will set you straight with that.”
“Come here.”
“I am here.”
“No. I mean here.” He points to his lips.
I kiss him.
“More.”
I kiss him again.
“I don’t want to be a disappointment to you,” he says.
“Never. You are anything but that.”
We kiss again.
“I missed you, Juliette Bressan.”
“I missed you, Kade Hart. Don’t ever do that to me again. Okay?”
“I promise. I’ve already let the light in. I let you in, Juliette.”
~~~~~
Kade sleeps for hours. While he sleeps, I call Mack to let him know everything is fine and that Kade didn’t use after all. Kade wakes up shortly after midnight and announces he’s hungry. I offer to make him something, but he won’t hear of it. He goes down to the kitchen, with me on his heels, and Ethel of course, to scrounge something up. While he’s digging up a bite to eat, I take Ethel out. My shadow approaches.
“Your boyfriend is fine, I take it.”
“He will be.”
“Good. He has troubles.”
“How do you know that?”
“We just do. Take care of him.” And he’s gone, fading into the night. I stare out into the dark expanse of Kade’s yard and know they’re out there, so I wave. Then walk back inside.
Kade is now eating a pizza. “Did you microwave that?”
“Yeah,” he says around a bite.
“Yuck. Doesn’t it taste rubbery?”
“A little, but when you’re hungry, you don’t really care. Listen, I’m the guy who ate out of dumpsters for years.”
He does have a point.
“I have some news of my own.”
“Yeah? What?”
“I talk to the shadows now. Well, only one of them, actually.”
“What?” I laugh because his cheeks are poked out like a chipmunk’s he’s got so much pizza stuffed in his mouth.
“You heard me. It started Christmas Eve night, I believe. Or maybe Christmas night. Whatever. One of them approached me after I yelled
out that they were a bunch of damn chicken shits and that I knew they were there.” And I tell him the rest of the story, all the way until just now.
“You’re not kidding, are you?”
“Not at all.”
He drops his pizza, swallows his bite, and is at my side in two strides, lifting me in a huge embrace. “Oh, fuck. Here I am, stuck in my own piece of shit misery, when all this time you’re here in danger, talking to these fucking whatever they are. What the hell was I thinking?”
“But you were right all along! Don’t you see? They’re my protection, Kade!”
“Yeah, but still. What does that make me? I’m still a selfish bastard, putting my shit before yours.”
“Don’t even go there. I’m only happy they finally came forth. Now whenever I go outside, they have a little chat with me. It’s kinda funny.”
“Juliette, be careful. You don’t know these people.”
He’s right and I agree. He finishes his pizza and we go back to bed. In the morning, we talk about what my situation is.
“I have to let Sister Mary Elizabeth know something. I’ve been here since you went missing.”
“Juliette, what do you want?”
“A job,” I say with a laugh. “Can you take me to Living Free and let me check out your system? There may be things I can help you with, maybe make your system better. I can’t be sure until I check it out.”
“Okay, but we already have an IT guy. You can do all sorts of other things, though. We need help with a lot of stuff around there. Would you be okay with fitting in where we need you to start off?”
“Sure. But can I suggest something? If I find that your system isn’t as good as it could be, can you at least give me a shot with that?”
“Yeah, I can do that.”
“Then I guess I need to go and let the nuns know what my decision is. But what about my living situation?”
“You have a couple of choices. You can either stay here or at Living Free until we can find you a place.”
That was a tough choice. I would love to stay here, but that puts me way too close to Kade. Not that I wouldn’t love it, but I think we need a little distance now and again.
“Living Free.”
“Fine.” He doesn’t look very thrilled about my decision.
“You sure there’s room?”
“Positive.”
“Where is it?” I ask.
“Pretty close to here.”
“Oh, great. I can walk then?”
“Yeah, but I wish you would get a car.”
“Kade, I’ll save up money for one.”
“I can get you…”
“No you cannot. That is completely unacceptable. Do I make myself clear?”
He gives me a look of sheer frustration, but nods.
I decide to soften my words. “Kade, it’s terribly sweet that you would even consider that, but buying a car is something that I want to do on my own. It’s like a rite of passage or something, you know?”
He smiles and says, “Yeah, I do. No car for you.”
“Have I ever told you how wonderful and kind you are?”
“Maybe,” he says, smiling.
“Good, and I’m telling you again. Thank you for everything you do and continue to do for me. I’d be lost without you, Kade.”
“The same can be said for me, Juliette. You lift me higher than I thought possible. You understand me … get what I am, who I am. And care about me nevertheless. Can I tell you something about me? Something not many people know. Only my brothers, my counselors and shrink from rehab and Mack know about this.”
“Of course you can. You can tell me anything, Kade.”
“Can we go back to bed first?”
I smile and we grab the dog and walk upstairs. We settle into bed and he begins.
“Most people know my father was a monster. But what they don’t know is some of the things he did to me during my days of addiction.”
He tells me all about Langston, his bullies, and the things he did. The incidents with shooting him up, the constant beatings, they way he threw Kade out of the car where the homeless live, sending Kade back to school beaten to a bloody mess. But when he gets to the story about how he held the gun to Kade’s head, I all but scream. I freak out and clamp my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from letting it out.
Kade pulls me onto his lap and says, “Out of everything that has hurt me in this life, seeing you like this breaks me more. I don’t ever want to see you hurting again. Don’t do this. I’m not worth it, Juliette.”
“Yes you are! And you were just a defenseless boy. He was an evil man to do all that shit to you.”
“Yes, he was. But we won’t let Langston win. I swear this to you.”
My hands grasp his face and I kiss him, hard. If there were a way to cocoon him in my arms so that he could forever be protected from anything harsh again, I would do my best to find a way. This man, this beautiful loving man, has been through so much in his life that he shouldn’t have to go through anything else.
“What are you thinking?” he asks.
I decide to be honest. “That I want to shield you from pain for the rest of your life.”
He looks away, and then back at me. He appears uncomfortable. Was it what I said? Was it too much? I don’t know.
“Juliette, don’t say anything. Let me speak. I have this thing about honesty. You already know that. So this is me being honest with you.”
Oh my. Is he going to tell me he doesn’t want me anymore?
“Ever since we met, we’ve had this thing. Call it what you want, but you remember how I told you that I felt like we just clicked? It’s been there from the start. Every time we’re together it gets better. Stronger. To the point that I questioned my self-worth. Am I strong enough for this? For you? Because I want to be—more than anything I want to be strong, someone you can be proud to stand next to. But because of what my father would say to me, he had me damn convinced I was a big zero. You’ve already met that part of me. That part that I want to wipe away, like the writing on one of those dry erase boards. So here goes. I’ve never told this to anyone before. I believe you and I can make things work. You’re a computer scientist. I’ll put this in your terms. You’ve reprogrammed me, Juliette.”
I give him a quirky smile. “You mean I’ve rewritten your HTML code?”
He grins back and says “If that’s what you call it in computer speak, then yeah.” But then he’s serious again. “But, sweetheart, you’ve done much more than that. You’ve turned me inside out. Whether I’m able to battle the storm ahead, who the fuck knows? But you make me want to try. I’m willing to do anything if you’re involved. For one reason only. I am in love with you. And the last day, not the last three, but the last day, has taught me that when someone you love accepts every single part of you, even the dirty, stained, used, and ugly parts, that person is worth hanging on to with everything you’ve got. You’ve made me bring out all those ugly parts, Juliette, and scour off, scrape away the filth. You make me want to get rid of the dirty that was the drug infested Kade. You make me want to rise above all that and defeat everything that Langston pounded into me. You make me want to purify my soul so it can some day match yours.”
“Oh, Kade. Feel this.” I put his hand over my jackhammering heart. “Don’t you know your soul is already pure?”
“No, not anything like yours.”
“Kade, I’m in love with you, too. When you didn’t show up here, I thought I’d die. Seriously. But, you save me every day, too. Just by being here. By being you. By your touch. By the way you cherish me when you hold me.”
His eyes darken as he watches me. “Juliette, I don’t know how to properly cherish someone. I was never shown.”
“You’re doing a damn fine job of it.” My hand tunnels into his hair and I kiss him. “Kade, don’t try. Just be. I love you the way you are. You know? That’s the man I fell for.”
“Such beauty exists in the most amazing
places. Your heart for instance. No one would ever think of a heart as being beautiful, but I know different.”
“So do I. This Hart right here is gorgeous. Kade Hart.”
“Very funny.”
“I’m not trying to be. At all. I need to tell you something else. You gave me a big fright. A minute ago when you first started talking, I thought you were going to tell me that I was running you off … that I scared you. I never imagined this.”
“Never. Take your clothes off, sweetheart. I’ve missed you and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand not feeling your skin or hearing your voice when I touch you.”
“I’m not wearing much. Only a T-shirt.”
His lids drop to half-staff and he murmurs. “That’s way too much for what I have in mind.”
“Hmm. Okay.” I rip off the T-shirt and he flips me on my back.
His tongue takes and gives, and I beg and plead. It’s been too long since I had Kade. I don’t want preliminaries. I want him. I don’t want the teasing and toying. I want him.
Grabbing his face, I pull his mouth to mine and say, “I want you. Now. I need you Kade. Not slow. Not a little bit. I’m starved for you. Give me what I need.”
He reaches in his nightstand and grabs a condom. My greedy eyes absorb him while he puts it on. He wedges his long body between my legs and our eyes lock. I grab his cock and put his tip at my entrance. He pushes himself inside a little, stretching me over him.
“Juliette,” he moans into my mouth.
“Kade, give it all to me.” I wrap my legs around him and grab his ass and shove.
“Ahh.” He pushes in and out, rocking against me. I find and match his rhythm and it’s deep and hard. He grabs my hand and weaves our fingers together, never stopping his tempo. His lips find and lick my neck.
“Juliette, I’ve missed this. You.”
Speech is not possible. He rams his length into me, and it’s heaven as he touches a place that is setting off my world. I coax him on, heels digging into his ass, and that’s when he lifts his head and pins me with his gaze. It almost topples me off my edge. “Damn, Juliette, you’re beyond anything I’ve ever known.”
The Fall and Rise of Kade Hart: A Hart Brothers Novel Page 21
