Until the End of Time: A Novel

by Danielle Steel

  Right after Valentine’s Day, Jenny discovered that she was pregnant. She and Bill were ecstatic, but cautious this time. They were afraid to get too excited in case she lost it again. They told her mother and Gretchen and no one else. She continued running all her groups, and she felt fine. She was seeing a doctor in Jackson Hole, and he was satisfied with her progress and sure she wouldn’t have another ectopic, but on a quiet Sunday afternoon in March, watching movies on the couch with Bill, she started getting cramps, and when she went to the bathroom, she saw that she was bleeding. She was eight weeks pregnant, and she came back from the bathroom in tears.

  “What’s wrong?” Bill looked at her in panic, remembering what had happened last time. But this was different. She called the doctor, and he told her to come in. He admitted her to the hospital to be on the safe side, and Bill stayed with her, holding her hand and talking to her through the night as the cramps got worse and turned into contractions. In the morning she lost it, and sobbed uncontrollably as Bill held her. They let him stay with her this time. Her life was never in danger, but she miscarried. They did a D and C, and she went back to Moose in a deep gloom. The doctor had told her that some women were able to get pregnant, but not to carry a baby to term, and she might be one of them. It was hard to predict. He told them that they should consider adoption, which neither of them wanted to do. They weren’t ready to take that route.

  “It’s not the end of the world, Jenny,” Bill said gently. He was as heartbroken as she was to have lost another baby, but he was grateful that this time her own life hadn’t been at risk. But she had had two miscarriages in six months, and she was profoundly depressed. Gretchen took over her abuse group that night and came upstairs to see her afterward. The women in the group were all sorry to hear that she was sick, although they didn’t know why. Gretchen came and sat on her bed, after the group.

  “I’m sorry, Jenny. Life just isn’t fair. Half the women in this town got married because they had to and don’t want the babies they have. And then someone like you is desperate to have one and can’t.” Gretchen was wearing one of the pants outfits that Jenny had bought her in New York, and she told her friend how nice she looked. Jenny was singlehandedly changing the women of Moose, just by who she was. “Why don’t you and Bill try adopting? You can always have your own baby, if you can. It might take the heat off. I’ve often heard about people getting pregnant after they adopt.”

  “I’d probably lose it,” she said sadly.

  “Lots of girls from around here wind up at St. Mary’s in Alpine and give their babies up for adoption,” Gretchen said quietly. “You should talk to them.”

  She and Bill had discussed it. Jenny wasn’t sure how she felt about adoption, but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life without children. After Gretchen left, Jenny told Bill about St. Mary’s home for unwed girls. Gretchen had said that some of the girls who went there to have babies were as young as twelve or thirteen, which seemed tragic to Jenny. It reminded her that she wanted to talk about birth control again with her group for teenage girls. Several of them were now on the Pill. She didn’t want any of them to wind up at St. Mary’s.

  She and Bill decided that night that it was too soon for them to make a decision. They hadn’t fully given up yet on having their own children, and Jenny wanted to try again. But this time she knew she hadn’t overdone anything, she wasn’t stressed or overworked. She had had the miscarriage for no reason at all. But at least it had been less traumatic than the ectopic pregnancy, and she knew she could get pregnant again, with only one ovary and one tube. But she hadn’t been able to carry it to term.

  Gretchen took over all her groups that week, and Jenny stayed in bed, not for any medical reason, but just because she was depressed. She got up on Friday finally, to meet with her teenage girls. She didn’t want to let them down. She had some new makeup for them, lots of magazines, and a book she wanted to share with them. They discussed a variety of topics, and she brought up the subject of birth control again. She reminded them to be honest with themselves about what they were doing and not trust to blind luck or phases of the moon for protection. And if they were having sex, they needed to get birth control. All the girls seemed to agree with what she was saying.

  A girl she didn’t know as well stayed to talk to her after the group. Her name was Lucy and she was fourteen years old. She was a freshman in high school, and she had mentioned in the group several times that she didn’t get along with her mother, and that her father hit her mother when he was drinking. Jenny would have liked to get her mother into Al-Anon or the abuse group, but she had never met her, so she couldn’t suggest it. She wondered if Lucy wanted to talk to her about the violence at home or her father’s drinking, and she handed her a Coke after the others left.

  “How’s everything going?” Jenny asked her with a warm smile. It had been a lively group that night, with lots of discussion about turning down drugs and not getting into a car with a boy who had been drinking. They had gone way past makeup and hairdos since the group started, although they talked about appearance too. Being with them had boosted Jenny’s spirits a little, and she felt better than she had all week. It was her first step back into the world. “How are things at home?” Jenny asked her, and Lucy shrugged. She was a pretty girl, with dark hair like Jenny’s, and dark eyes. She had an exotic look and a full figure, and she appeared older than she was, which Jenny knew could be hard on girls her age, when older boys pursued them and then manipulated them into doing things they couldn’t handle. She encouraged the girls to avoid situations they weren’t comfortable with, or that didn’t seem safe, which wasn’t always easy to do.

  “Things are okay at home, I guess. My dad hasn’t been as bad lately. My mom says we just can’t get him mad.” Jenny knew that Lucy had an older brother who was eighteen. He had run away from home, was living in Laramie, and was working for a rodeo. Lucy hadn’t seen him in two years. Her father had been angry ever since, at the son who had escaped, and he took it out on everyone else, particularly his wife, whom he blamed for driving the boy away, when he had really run away because of him, a fact the father was unable to face.

  “Jenny,” Lucy began hesitantly, “I think I have a problem. Kind of like we were talking about tonight.” Jenny ran down the list of topics in her head and guessed that it might be birth control, or a boy pressuring her into things she didn’t want to do, and how hard it was to say no, especially if the boy got mad, or was cute. The problems of young girls were universal. They were problems Jenny had faced herself in her youth, not that long ago.

  “A problem about boys?” Jenny asked her gently.

  Lucy nodded. “Kind of. There was a boy I really liked. I went to the Halloween dance at school with him. He’s a senior, and he didn’t know I was a freshman. I lied to him and said I was sixteen.” And with her lush figure, it was easy to believe. She wasn’t the first girl to have lied about her age in order to attract an older boy. And no one would have guessed how young she was. “My dad wouldn’t let me go to the dance, so I lied to him too. My mom knew, though. I always tell her the truth.” Jenny nodded, waiting for the rest.

  “It’s always important that someone knows where you are. In case anything happens.”

  “Something did happen,” Lucy said miserably, with tears bulging in her eyes. “He had a bottle of bourbon with him, in his pocket. I drank some of it, and it made me feel sick. And then I drank some more, and I don’t know what happened. I think I did it with him, but I can’t remember. He took me home, and I went right to bed, and the next day I wasn’t sure if I dreamed it or it was true, and I didn’t want to ask him. He never called me again or asked me out, so I figured maybe I didn’t do it and he was mad … but I think I did.… I just don’t know.” She started crying then. “And I just kept believing I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t do something like that.…”

  “You can find out, just so you know,” Jenny said, trying to reassure her. “A doctor can tell you if you�
�re still a virgin or not,” Jenny said, and with that Lucy pulled up her shirt, and Jenny could see the bulge that was there, like a small round ball on her belly. They both knew the answer to her question then, and Jenny tried not to look shocked, so as not to scare her, or appear judgmental.

  “I never got my period again after Halloween,” Lucy said softly. “I just figured maybe it stopped, because I hadn’t had it for that long, and sometimes that happens, but now it’s growing, and I know I must have done it. I can’t even tell him, because he moved to another school. And he never talked to me again after that night. Jenny, my dad is going to kill me if I tell them. And he’ll kill my mom.” She dissolved in a river of tears next to Jenny, who put her arms around her, as she did a rapid calculation. It was March. And Lucy was five months pregnant. Here she had lost her own baby, when she wanted it desperately, four days before, and this child who didn’t even remember having sex was having a baby she didn’t want, that would ruin her life. Life truly was cruel. But in spite of that, Jenny did all she could to console her and waited for Lucy to calm down, trying to think what she could do to help.

  “Do you want me to talk to your parents with you?” Jenny offered. Lucy hesitated and then nodded. “Don’t let my dad hurt my mom,” she begged her. “He’ll take it out on her if he gets mad at me.”

  “We won’t let that happen,” Jenny said, hoping that would be true. “When do you want me to talk to them?”

  “Will you come over tomorrow? My dad goes out on Saturdays. He goes to the bar in town and drinks with his friends. My mom and I will be home alone.”

  “What time?”

  “Like twelve o’clock? He’ll be gone by then. My mom just does laundry all day.”

  “I’ll be there,” Jenny said, and gave Lucy another hug, and she left a few minutes later. Jenny went upstairs to find Bill and told him what had happened. Bill had been waiting for her upstairs, so as not to intrude on her and the girls.

  “Poor kid,” he said, thinking about her. He had seen her in the group, although her parents didn’t come to church, but Jenny’s groups were open to anyone, whether churchgoers or not, and he approved of that. “What do you suppose they’ll do to her?”

  “I have no idea. Her father has been violent to her mother when he gets drunk. And he’s not going to be happy about this with a fourteen-year-old kid. I’m going over to talk to her mother with her tomorrow when he’s out. I guess she’ll have to have the baby—she’s five months pregnant. It’s a crime for a kid that age to go through that. She’s a child herself.” The evening and Jenny telling him about it sobered them both, and Jenny got up early the next day. She was in her yellow truck and on her way to Lucy’s house shortly before noon, and Lucy was waiting outside for her.

  They went inside together and found her mother folding laundry in the kitchen, humming to herself. She looked shocked when she saw Jenny in her kitchen. She knew who she was, and that Lucy went to her group.

  “Is something wrong?” She looked at Lucy immediately. “Did you do something bad in the group?” Her voice was filled with fear and accusation, as Lucy shook her head and her eyes filled with tears.

  “No, she didn’t.” Jenny answered for her, which confused Lucy’s mother even more. She looked like a nervous woman, and she had been quick to accuse her daughter, which was what Lucy had said often in group. Her mother was always blaming her for something.

  “I’m pregnant,” Lucy said, burst into tears, and threw her arms around her mother’s neck, who began to sob too. Jenny got them both to sit down at the kitchen table with her, and they went through the whole story. Lucy’s mother was distraught and kept asking her how she could have done it. But she had. Nature, a bottle of bourbon, and a persuasive boy had convinced her, and now there was a baby growing inside her that nobody wanted.

  Her mother told Lucy that her father would kill them both, which had been Lucy’s fear too when she said it to Jenny. And Jenny offered to be there when they told him, but Lucy’s mother, Maggie, looked frightened and defeated and said it would only make things worse. She thanked Jenny for her help but said they would have to take care of it now. Lucy would have to go to St. Mary’s, before anyone knew what had happened, and give the baby up for adoption. The whole thing was so depressing, and Lucy just sat at the kitchen table and sobbed. She was still crying when Jenny left an hour later, and she was distressed when she went home. She talked to Bill about it, and there was nothing they could do.

  She called Lucy that night but there was no answer, and Lucy showed up at Jenny’s house at eight o’clock the next morning. She had run all the way there. She said they were taking her to St. Mary’s that morning, just as her mother had said. Her father said he didn’t want to see her again until after she had the baby and gave it up. Her mother was driving her. She said her mother had cried all night, but she hadn’t let her dad hit her. He had hit her mother instead, several times. She thanked Jenny then, threw her arms around her neck and hugged her, and ran back to her house across town. Jenny promised to visit her at St. Mary’s, and she knew the other girls would suspect what had happened when she disappeared for several months. The baby was due in July, and Lucy would be back shortly after, never quite the same, after going through childbirth and giving up the baby. She would spend the rest of her life wondering where it was.

  Jenny was haunted by it all day, and she went to see Lucy’s mother the next morning and found her crying in her kitchen with a black eye. She looked at Jenny in despair. She seemed like a woman who had no hope and no way out, like so many victims of abuse, and Jenny’s heart went out to her. Jenny told her about the abuse group, on Monday nights, and Al-Anon, and urged her to come. Maggie said she might but looked frightened and uncertain. And much to Jenny’s amazement, she showed up that night, looking terrified, but she came. Jenny went to see Lucy at St. Mary’s the next day. She looked heartbroken and subdued. The nuns were very nice to her, and they told Jenny that Lucy had been examined by a doctor and had confirmed that the baby was due in July. It would be put up for adoption, and they assured her they would find a good home for it, and Lucy would go home as soon as she delivered.

  When she saw Lucy again, she clung to Jenny and sobbed and begged her not to leave her there, but Jenny had no other choice. She sat with Lucy until she calmed down, and then Lucy turned to her with a strange, haunted look.

  “Will you take my baby, Jenny? I know you want one. I don’t want it to go to anyone but you. I know you’d be good to it, and it would never have to know it was mine. But I would know, and you and Bill would give it a good home.” She was sobbing again, and Jenny was shocked at what she had said, although it seemed strangely providential. This was the kind of situation Gretchen had talked about, a young girl who got in trouble and was going to give up her baby. She had told her to come to St. Mary’s for an adoption. She and Bill had decided to try again, but this might be a blessing for everyone. She didn’t know what to say.

  “I’ll talk to Bill about it,” she promised, and Lucy was calmer when she left. There were twenty other girls there from neighboring counties all in the same situation, waiting to give birth, relinquish their babies, and go home. Some of them looked even younger than Lucy. It was heartbreaking. And all the way back to Moose, Jenny thought of what Lucy had said. She went to find Bill as soon as she got back. He was at his desk, working on his sermon. He knew where she had gone, to Alpine to visit Lucy, and he could see the deep concern in Jenny’s eyes.

  “She wants us to take the baby,” Jenny said in a strangled tone, as she sat down across from Bill. “I don’t know if her parents would agree to it, but it’s a thought. We could still have our own,” she added sadly, wondering if that was true. “The baby is due in July.”

  “Is that what you want?” Bill asked her softly, sounding surprised. Adopting Lucy’s baby hadn’t occurred to either of them. They were just worried about Lucy and her mother. This was not what they’d expected or wanted. They weren’t ready to adopt ye
t, but it was a baby, and it needed a home, Lucy was a sweet girl, and she wanted to give it to them. “Let’s think about it,” he said quietly. “We can talk to her parents in a few days.” Jenny agreed. She didn’t want to rush into anything. And this was so sudden.

  They spent the weekend thinking about it and discussing it some more. They both liked the idea. It seemed like a ready-made situation for them, and it would be a blessing for Lucy and her parents as well. Bill called Lucy’s parents and made an appointment with them for Sunday, after church, allegedly to talk about Lucy. And they offered to adopt Lucy’s baby. Her mother looked relieved, and her father said that he wanted an agreement from them that they wouldn’t disclose whose baby it was, ever. They could say they had adopted it in New York. And if Jenny and Bill were willing to do that, Lucy’s parents would let them have the baby. It was a simple arrangement, and both sides agreed to let St. Mary’s know. Jenny said she wanted to be at the birth with Lucy and her mother, to see the baby born. Her father didn’t care. He looked like he’d been drinking before they got there, and as soon as they concluded their business, he stormed out of the house and slammed the door. Jenny hugged Lucy’s mother, who was crying, and they left.

  And Maggie showed up at the abuse group again. This time she had a determined look in her eyes. She said she wasn’t going to let her husband push her around anymore. And she wouldn’t let him lay a hand on Lucy when she came home. When Jenny called Lucy to check on her, she said that she and her mother were getting along better. Jenny suspected that the abuse group was having a positive effect on Maggie.

  Jenny went to see Lucy later that week and told her that she and Bill would adopt her baby and were thrilled to do so. And Lucy looked enormously relieved. All she wanted was to know that her baby would be in good hands, and she was sure that Jenny and Bill were the best parents she could have chosen. All they had to do now was wait for the baby to come. It was only four months away.