Naked Pictures of Famous People

by Jon Stewart

  HITLER: I don't know what you're talking about.

  KING: What do you say to all the people out there, the people who view you as a demon, the perpetrator of the most vicious—

  HITLER: Guilty as charged, Larry. Look, I was a bad guy. No question. I hate that Hitler. The yelling, the finger pointing, I don't know ... I was a very angry guy.

  KING: And this ... new Hitler?

  HITLER: I get up at seven, have half a melon, do the Jumble in the morning paper and then let the day take me where it will. Some days 1'll fish, maybe hit the mall for an Orange Julius. The other day I spent seven hours in the park watching ants cart off part of a sandwich. Me!! The inventor of the Blitzkrieg ... When you stop having to control everything, it's very freeing.

  KING: Why did you do it?

  HITLER: Whooo boy. The $64,000 question. I don't know ... I wasn't a happy kid. I mean, I'm not trying to make excuses, but you go through high school with one testicle and the nickname Shitler I'm sorry, they can bleep that, right?

  KING: It's fine.

  HITLER: After a while you get sick of it. One day you just snap. It started out as the typical "Someday you guys will be sorry," and then ... I don't know. It just got away from me.

  KING: Did you ever see the despicable nature of your actions? Was there any remorse?

  HITLER: Oh sure, but denial is a powerful thing ... I always thought I could stop any time I wanted. "If I could just get Czechoslovakia, that'll be the end of it. I'll be happy then." And I'd get it and think, well geez, Poland's just up the road a piece and ... you know the rest. I think admitting to myself that there was a problem was the toughest part.

  KING: And when was that?

  HITLER: Well ... I'm not going to lie to you, it took a while. There were moments all along where I knew something was wrong. I remember one time ... I think it was in Munich. We were having a rally. 100,000 people all chanting my name. The bonfires were going. The whole shebang. It should've been a crowning moment but I clearly remember thinking, What am I doing here? I hate crowds.

  KING: And when was that?

  HITLER: I believe that was in 1942. But I didn't hit rock bottom until, as you know, 1945.

  KING: Yes, tell us about those final days in the Berlin bunker, where, until now, we had assumed you had killed yourself.

  HITLER: (takes a sip of water) Right, well. Funny story. Everyone thought I went into the bunker to escape ...

  KING: Not the case?

  HITLER: No. Actually, as the Allied Forces were closing in I was still in denial. I really thought we were gonna rally, you know, make an end run around Switzerland and flank 'em. So I'm planning furiously and snapping at people—as my therapist says, "playing the dictator." So Eva calls me down to the bunker for some "emergency" with the generators. Anyway, I go down and there's Eva and Himmler and two of my other closest friends. I'll never forget. I walk in and say "Was ist los?" And Eva takes my face in her hands, looks me in the eyes and says "Adolf, we all love you very much, but if you don't stop with this conquer and purify thing, no one in this room will ever talk to you again."

  KING: And that snapped you out of it?

  HITLER: Not quite. You have to understand I'd been running with this thing for about fifteen years at that point.

  KING: What happened?

  HITLER: I shot them. Back then we didn't know from interventions. I just figured they were betraying me. Anyway, I threw on Eva's clothes and snuck out into the night. I lived like an animal for weeks, doing what I had to do to get by. One day a group of boys were making fun of the lady with the mustache, and I got a look at myself in the reflection of a window and realized they were talking about me. It was then I knew I had to get my life together.

  KING: Interesting. Now tell me about your relationship with Eva. She was a beautiful woman. Do you think she was mesmerized by your power?

  HITLER: What are you insinuating?

  KING: I'm just saying she seemed like a lovely gal and—

  HUTLER: You think she was only into me because I was the Führer? You think I conquered half of Europe and killed untold millions just to get laid?

  KING: No, I was merely—

  HITLER: Well, all I can say is (breaks into a broad smile) yes to the first part and amen brother to the second. (King looks confused.) Look, Larry. I learned long ago that Bavarian art majors with oily hair and weasely mustaches weren't getting the ladies. Of course that was the only reason Eva went out with me. Women love power and fame. How many times have you been married, Larry?

  KING: Ummm. Seven, maybe eight. But this last one is for life. I love my Shawnie ...

  HITLER: Right. Anyway, my point is you've married a lot of very beautiful women. And quite frankly, your own physical presence is how do I put this ... mildly disturbing. I mean, if you were Larry King the nice guy who ran a dry cleaner's, you and the former Ida Klinghoff of Canarsie would be heading toward your fiftieth wedding anniversary right about now. Right or wrong? (King is dumbfounded.) No offense, mind you.

  KING: Let's go to the phones.... Annie from Grand Rapids, Michigan, what's your question for Adolf Hitler?

  ANNIE: First of all, Larry, I love your show.

  KING: Thank you.

  ANNIE: My husband was recently diagnosed with shingles and your show is the only thing that takes away the itching.

  KING: Wonderful, Annie, thank you. What's your question for Hitler?

  ANNIE: Yes, I want to know what Mr. Hitler thinks of cloning?

  (Hitler smiles.)

  KING: Terrific question. Scientists recently cloned a sheep ... Dolly I believe was her name. You've always had an interest in things genetic. Your take on this scientific breakthrough.

  HITLER: Well, Larry, "transgenics," as that branch of genetic research is known, is an exciting specialty, and the Roslin project, the sheep cloning, is an exciting advance. But I certainly wouldn't qualify it as a breakthrough.

  KING: So your passion for science is undimmed.

  HITLER: (a little defensive) Well, passion, yes, but not obsession. Part of my growth has come in recognizing compulsive tendencies and dealing with them in a proactive manner. For instance, yes, I spend a bit of time immersed in genetic research, but I've also invaded the world of ballroom dancing. And this fall I'll begin mastering the musical frailties of the French horn.

  KING: You must admit there are real ethical questions that go along with the cloning of humans?

  HITLER: Well, Larry, let's call a spade a spade. The big fear here is that some evil guy gets a hold of this stuff and makes another me. I mean, as early as the seventies they were making horror movies about it.

  KING: The Boys from Brazil. For my money Sir Larry Olivier never shined brighter. We had him on and—

  HITLER: (pointedly) Well, I never saw the movie, I'm happy to say. Although friends told me not only were the performances thin, it was too long! But, Larry, getting back on point, people will never be cloned. Superficially perhaps, but personality, character, even intelligence cannot be genetically duplicated. Only tendencies. I'm a big environment convert. Nurture over nature. You could duplicate my genes, but you wouldn't get me unless you duplicate my upbringing. You'd have to get some older children to tease this new Hitler mercilessly, giving him constant wedgies ... ripping the only pair of ... lederhosen ... I loved those ... (Hitler begins to cry.) Excuse me, I believe some dust is in my contacts. (Hitler wipes his eyes.)

  KING: Was the Third Reich working on cloning?

  HITLER: (sips some water) Oh, sure, we gave it a shot. We had created some chickens that vaguely resembled each other. And one of our top guys had cloned a replica of your heroic dog Lassie—but after some checking we found out it was just a reassembled corgi. All involved were put to sleep. Our guys just weren't up to the task.

  KING: You had certainly made science a priority ...

  HITLER: Which brings up an interesting irony, Larry. Here I was, a guy with a plan to create a master race, dominate the world by blending
brute force with cutting-edge technology. So what do I do? I deport or kill all my best scientists. Huh? Do you see? The Jews were some of my best technical people. (Larry looks puzzled.) It's classic fear of success. I create something, then sabotage its chances of ever actually working. It's a pattern I've repeated over and over again. I'm defeating all challengers on the Western front, couple more weeks, I got the whole thing sewn up. So what do I do? Attack Russia?!! (Hitler taps his finger on his temple.) Way to go, genius!! Seems obvious, but these insights came very slowly to me.

  KING: But you got away with it. After all these years, why resurface and open yourself up to the incredible tumult your return has created?

  HITLER: Stay off the radar? No, that's a good question. See, I had been talking a good game for many years now. What a changed man I was, how I'd found real peace, but I was still playing the blame game. My therapist challenged me to put up or shut up. To prove to myself that I could take responsibility for my life. So here I am.

  KING: (holding up a book) We've been talking with Adolf Hitler, the book is—

  HITLER: Is it over already? KIng: I'm afraid so.

  HITLER: Wow, that was fast. I thought I was the one who had ways of making you talk. (Both laugh.) But seriously, the book is called Mein Comfortable Shoes—get it?

  KING: I do.

  HITLER: It's about an angry man who learns to appreciate the little things in life. It's about acceptance.

  KING: And it's a terrific read. Folks, if you read no other book this summer, make it Mein Comfortable Shoes.

  HITLER: Thank you, Larry.

  KING: And what's next for Adolf Hitler?

  HITLER: I'll be doing Politically Incorrect next Thursday, and as always you can see my old work on the A&E network, every night following Bud Friedman's An Evening at the Improv.

  KING: Lovely man, Bud Friedman, very funny.

  HITLER: Yes indeed. And as you know, in two weeks, I'll be appearing on Court TV as I stand trial for crimes against humanity.

  KING: Right, that is coming up. What kind of defense will you be offering?

  HITLER: Not much. I fully expect that by this time next year, I'll have been convicted and possibly put to death. I'm going to represent myself, though. From now on the blame goes here (pointing to chest). The only one to blame for Hitler ... is Hitler. Besides, who wants to get involved with a bunch of phonybaloney defense lawyers ... I mean, talk about evil. (Both laugh.)

  KING: Well, Adolf, thanks for coming by.

  HITLER: Thank you.

  KING: (to camera) Coming up after the break, Loni Anderson: She's fifty, she's in a new relationship with a younger man and she's not apologizing. Loni Anderson with her new book, Fifty, a Younger Man and Not Apologizing, after the break.

  LENNY BRUCE: THE MAKING OF A SITCOM

  DATE: Dec. 3, 1960

  FROM: F. Silverman Prod. Asst.

  TO: J. Aubrey VP Programming, ABC

  RE: Talent Search—The Crescendo in Hollywood

  Saw the Four Freshmen at the Crescendo. Thought they might make for a funny high school sitcom, but found out they weren't actually freshmen. Opening act was interesting. Lenny Bruce. Hilarious. Didn't see him perform but word at the club is he won't be there long. And this was only his first night! I guess he's a corner. Better jump before NBC or CBS gets him. Could be our answer for Danny Thomas or Benny.

  DATE: Jan. 23, 1961

  FROM: F. Silverman Prod. Coordinator

  TO: L. Goldenson, President ABC, J. Warner, President Warner Bros., J. Aubrey VP Programming ABC, D. Lewine VP Programming ABC.

  RE: Minutes of the Jan. Meeting on the Lenny Bruce Sitcom development project

  Bruce meeting went very well. I do believe this is our guy. Not crazy about Lenny's original suggestion of a show about a Jewish Davy Crockett with a coonskin yarmulke, although we could give further consideration to the marketing aspects. My opinion is that kids won't buy coonskin yarmulkes, even if we call them beanies, as Mr. Bruce suggested.

  Jack Warner's suggestion of a sitcom to reflect Lenny's reality is a winner. Audiences buy it because it's real. Aubrey's idea of playing up the war veteran angle of Bruce's life is also a winner. We haven't seen a funny Audie Murphy yet so the timing could be perfect. Especially if we set the show in Nebraska and add three-year-old twins as Mr. Goldenson said.

  I think Lenny was won over. Especially when he found out the kind of talent we can surround him with here at ABC. I told him in the hallway that we've got producer Hal Roach Jr. and designer Edith Head under contract. He said if we could get him a Roach and Head, or even just Head, he'd be a happy camper.

  I also checked into Mr. Warner's concern about Lenny's itching and nodding off during the meeting. Mr. Bruce's personal physician, a Dr. Slats Finnegan of Miami, assured me the symptoms would disappear after adjusting Mr. Bruce's allergy medicine. Still looking for that tape of Mr. Bruce's act. His agent, Jack Sobel, said he sent it over but I have yet to track it down.

  DATE: April 11, 1961

  TO: L. Bruce

  FROM: F. Silverman VP Programming

  Development ABC

  RE: Lenny Bruce project pilot script

  First off, Mr. Bruce, let me congratulate you on the punctual delivery of your pilot script. Some of the cocktail napkins weren't entirely legible, but we were able to get the general idea. It's very funny, although the Make Room for Daddy writers we assigned to the project said it was not exactly the same script as the one they thought was being turned in. Irregardless of the high quality of your work, the suits" as always, have a couple of nitpicks we should go over.

  THE TITLE: Because the show is to take place in Nebraska we feel it's best to go back to Jack Warner's original idea for a title, Have a Heartland. We felt the title Schmucks doesn't brand a clear enough image of the warmth and humor we all know this show will possess. Besides, a quickie poll of the gals in the secretarial pool showed a good 85% thought schmucks was a breakfast food.

  YOUR CHARACTER: We applaud the "up-and-coming comedian" aspect to your character. It's real and gives the audience a chance to identify with and root for the underdog in all of us. In the pilot, however, your character never deals with this very fertile area. We never see him at work or even talking about work.

  Also, your character has no visible or legal means of supporting the family while pursuing this worthwhile dream. Your character's dialogue (on the second "Hungry I" napkin), "Here I am digging the priest scam. A Jew boy from Brooklyn conning old Catholic gals out of their pensions on the promise of an eternal bliss without liver spots. But it's only enough scratch for a taste" is a start. Rather than a con artist, however, we thought your character could be an elementary school teacher. Remember, these suggestions are just food for your brain.

  YOUR BEST FRIEND: This idea leads into the next character, your best friend, "Flat Foot Jackson—an uptown sax hipster who could blow cheese that made the Virgin Mary cum in her golden panties." Although jazz is certainly gaining in popularity, we thought perhaps this character might work better at the elementary school, as its wise yet sometimes overlooked custodian. And while we appreciate that Flat Foot's character is the best cook in Harlem, we'd prefer if there is to be cooking on the show, that your wife do it. And what exactly is a Dilaudid casserole with Methedrine sprinkles?

  YOUR WIFE: Given only your character description of "a sweet-faced shiksa dancer, with big tits and magnificent pink nipples," we agree that Angie Dickinson could work. We need, however, more description. Two other things. What kind of dancer is she? And although we love the endearing quality of you referring to her as "Honey," at some point in the process, we'll need to know her actual name.

  YOUR DAUGHTER: We love the idea of the daughter character. We want to see more of her. Actually, we would like to see any of her. Why, if she is your daughter, does she live with your mother? We can all appreciate that "pimps and whores do not playmates make," but perhaps our school idea will solve that riddle, and the daughter can come h
ome. Also, why do you and your wife live in a flophouse?

  THE PLOT: We don't, under any circumstances, think you should cheat on your wife in the pilot episode, especially when she's just been arrested. We agree that her character is certainly in the wrong after "copping my ten grand and turning on every freak in Hollywood" and agree that she seems to treat you "like shit." This still doesn't justify your character's indifference to her arrest as stated on the third "Playboy Club" napkin, "That fucking hillbilly whorehouse junkie bitch can feast on prison cuisine. Dyke sandwiches for everyone!"

  We were thinking that instead of the episode centering around Honey's betraying you and her second-act arrest on prostitution and drug charges, perhaps she could be nagging you for a new car. But you've got your eyes on a state-of-the-art television set.

  Also, the B story involving the character of "White Man" could be tweaked. It's an amusing runner to have him constantly making sure that the "sheeny and negro promise not to put it to my sister" but we thought maybe he just wants to borrow your lawnmower. Also we thought it would be nice to give him a name other than "White Man." Ned, perhaps. And he shouldn't be drinking.

  Overall I think we're off to a great start. We're all really excited about this project and believe with some integration of a few of the abovementioned notes, we have a real winner here. Look forward to your thoughts.

  DATE: April 14, 1961

  FROM: F. Silverman Vice President ABC

  TO: L. Bruce

  RE: Script notes and rewrite

  Let me begin, Mr. Bruce, by saying how surprised and pleased we all were here at the American Broadcasting Company by the alacrity of your response to our script notes. Contractually you were not required to tender a second draft of your pilot script until June 1, yet you seem to have turned one around in less than twenty-four hours. So ... Bravo!