Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Alex Davidson

  There, that was short and sweet, plus it didn’t sound like he was completely standoffish by turning him down. To be honest, he felt like a big dork after writing his reply. Relieved, but still a dork. Maybe he should re-write it? No. He’d had enough of the day and over-thinking that email wasn’t going to help. He shut down the computer and got ready for bed. A good night’s sleep was exactly what he needed.

  Kelley was used to early mornings, puttering around his house, checking his social media, but it was going to be a long and tedious Monday. Handling the coordination of new hires with the design department and getting all his ducks in a row with the proposal for the intern program was just going to make it longer. To handle all that he needed a clear head and one way to get that was turning his typical evening run into a morning run. Not feeling too hungry, but knowing he needed the energy, he toasted one of the vegetarian breakfast muffins Sofia had made him the night before.

  He didn’t need a chef to cook for him, he was excellent on his own, but Sofia was a friend who had needed a leg up in her new business. Plus, her cooking was phenomenal. He had her cook enough for a group of people, then brought the surplus food to either work and left it for others or brought it to his friends, leaving her card behind in case anyone wanted more of her delicious food. He knew of at least five more people to hire her based off just that, one being Peter, who couldn’t be bothered to even know what a cooking pan looked like.

  Kelley knew he probably shouldn’t check his email until after he got back from his run or maybe even later at work. But he really wanted to know if Alex had replied to him, and of course, if he had agreed to meet him at some point. He’d waited all weekend as it was, so his patience was wearing thin. Kelley didn’t have his hopes up too high because it was Alex, and the man was great at saying no.

  Kelley also knew that no matter what Alex had said he would convince the man otherwise, eventually. Kelley was nothing if not persistent. He was always of the mind that you go after what you want.

  Smiling to himself, he decided to wait to check his email later. He put his dishes in the dishwasher and went for his run with his music blaring in his ears.

  Since he’d zoned out while on his run, which had been the whole point, by the time he got back he only had enough time to grab a shower, his lunch, and bolt out the door for work. He made it in record time, parked his car in the parking garage, and took the elevator to the fourth floor, where his office was.

  Morning was his favorite time of day, especially the mornings he got there before most of the staff. It was so quiet in the office. Most people didn’t talk and moved so slow. His theory was the coffee, that seemed to be like blood running through half the staff, had yet to take effect.

  As he walked through the open floor plan toward his office, he waved and said good morning to the staff that was in. He thought one had just grunted a wordless greeting to him. And it looked like he’d beaten Delilah into the office which was rare. Something he could pick on her about since she prided herself on being there before him.

  Once at his desk he knew he wouldn’t last much longer without checking his email first. If he didn’t, he would get nothing done since his mind would be stuck on Alex like glue. Just seeing that Alex had replied brought a smile to his face. Just seeing his overly polite response, turning him down, made his grin grow.

  Getting Alex to agree was going to be tough, but he liked a challenge. He’d always been straightforward in all things, but in that, he was going to be a little more coy in trying to gain the man’s friendship. And maybe more. But at least it hadn’t been a flat-out no. It was more of a not right now. Kelley could most definitely work with that.

  Since Alex had his cell number listed in every email they’d exchanged, Kelley asked if he could call him instead of going back and forth over email.

  Alex,

  I’m sorry to hear you are too busy with projects to meet up right now. Of course, that also means business is going well for you, and that is a wonderful thing. Can I call you on the cell number you gave me?

  Kelley

  Sent.

  With that done, he could concentrate on the rest of the day and all the work he had to get through, not that Alex still wouldn’t be on his mind. There was just something about the good-looking man he wouldn’t allow him to let it go.

  He’d work on the notes he’d taken at the last budget meeting, and then start work on the intern program proposal. Working with his small marketing team might make that part of the process go faster but it was personal to him, and he wanted to ensure it was perfect. It might take longer but at least that way he knew it was done his way.

  Kelley made a note to also have Delilah look into whether or not Ian had started the process of hiring more graphic designers. They were at a shortage after a couple of them had left for other opportunities. Usually, he wouldn’t look into it, but if Ian wasn’t then that was a good reminder for him to get the ball rolling. If he was then Kelley needed a meeting set up between them so that they could discuss how many Ian planned on hiring.

  He and Ian had always tried to keep an even amount of staff members in both of their departments since they had them work in pairs. They might have to think about delegating it to their assistants, leaving them more time for other tasks.

  In the middle of making his to-do list for the day, Delilah called with his first conference call of the many he had that day with some of the local LGBT centers. By the last one, he knew they could unquestionably work together on his venture to help the LGBT youth of Portland.

  Before Kelley knew it, it was lunch time. He’d left his lunch in the fridge in the break room instead of his office, which he sometimes liked to do because it got him out of his office for more than meetings, so that he could socialize with the people on his floor. He wanted them to see his face, so they knew they could go to him if they had any trouble.

  Kelley walked through the common area where they’d done their best to have an open floor plan and with lots of space for collaboration. It allowed the design team and marketing team to share space to interact, which he knew fostered creativity and partnership and got them away from their desks.

  Not only were their professional relationships stronger because more ideas and brainstorming took place, but the team spirit encouraged their personal relationships to grow as well. Not everyone got along, but upper management was open to people coming to them and letting them know when teams just weren’t meshing because of personal conflict. They tried their best so they could have a better working environment for everyone.

  He walked into the employee lounge which was mostly empty except for a few stragglers like him eating their lunches late. Grabbing his lunch from the fridge, he waved to a couple employees and turned to leave when he was stopped short by the young man who was coming in without even looking up from the phone in his hand. Kelley thought he might be Ian’s indispensable executive assistant Cody. He stood on the other side of the glass door holding the handle, scowling at whatever was on his screen. Cody was an excellent assistant, a jack of all trades, and looked younger than his age due to his slight build and short size. At least compared to Kelley’s own six-foot height. It had amused Ian and him when clients would assume—because of his youthful appearance—that he wouldn’t be competent, only to be shocked after seeing him in action.

  Kelley just stood there staring at him through the door waiting to see how long that would take, the others in the room growing quiet when they realized what was happening. They all knew he wasn’t a tyrant, but he was strict on courtesy to others in the space they all had to share.

  It took three more minutes for him to look up from the screen to see Kelley standing there, and instantly his eyes popped wide, and his cheeks turned red. Yup, definitely Cody. Kelley held in his chuckle, not wanting Cody to think he was laughing at him.

  “Oh crap! I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t mean to hold you up. It’s just I got this form I’m trying t
o understand and whoever filled it out has the worst handwriting. I know there must be more efficient ways to handle these forms. You’d think someone would’ve thought of one by now.”

  Kelley knew that last part was said more to himself than to Kelley, but he liked his train of thought. He was always looking for ways to streamline their processes. “And do you have a better way, Cody?”

  “Uh um…maybe? It’s uh…just that as high-tech as our company is, I’d think that you…I mean we could find a better way,” Cody nervously stated.

  Kelley could see that he was getting a little nervous as he started to fidget. Kelley clapped him on the back and said, “Take a walk with me. We’ll chat about it.”

  On the walk back to his office they chatted about Cody’s ideas and Kelley was impressed, to say the least. No wonder Ian claimed he was his all-knowing, all-seeing, super organized miracle worker. By the end of the conversation Cody readily agreed to email him with what they talked about and was once again smiling with excitement. They shook hands, and he was out the door leaving Kelley alone and grinning.

  He loved talking to some of the younger employees since they were so full of motivation at that stage in life and career. It was inspiring! Too bad some of the executives couldn’t have that level of eagerness in their jobs.

  About two hours later he was just going to get up to get a cup of tea when his email chimed. Glancing he saw that he’d gotten another email from Alex. Grinning ear-to-ear he opened the email to see what Alex said that time.

  Kelley,

  Why don’t you text me instead, I’m not a big fan of talking on the phone. I do it enough for work as is.

  Alex Davidson

  Well, wasn’t that a surprise. Alex wasn’t even being surly with him. He wasn’t super open either, but he’d take it. With a guy like Alex, you had to work with what you got. Kelley could feel himself getting excited. The prospect of him getting closer to the gorgeous man was thrilling.

  Now he just needed to write back to him, making sure to ask questions to keep the conversation going. But, of course, they couldn’t be too probing, or it would make Alex retreat. One thing was for sure, he needed to get their conversations switched to texting or phone calls. That would be much easier for more immediate conversation and to gauge how open Alex was toward him.

  He picked up his cell phone to shoot off a quick text to Alex when there was a knock on his door.

  “Come in.”

  Delilah opened the door closing it quietly behind her. “Mr. Matthews, Mr. Havelock sent this down for you to look over.” She placed the papers, which looked to be a whole damn packet, onto his desk. Yeah, now this looks like fun.

  “Thank you, Delilah. Did whoever dropped it off say if he needed it back and if yes, when?” Kelley started to flip through the papers realizing it was about the intern expansion.

  “Yes, sir. The young man said he’d like your thoughts by the end of the day either by you going up to sit and talk about it or just making notes and sending it back to him.”

  “Thank you. I guess I’ll start looking it over now.”

  And if that didn’t just frustrate him to no end.

  “Oh, before you go I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but can you ask Mr. Brockington, not his admin please, if he has started looking for new designers? If he has, we need to know how many. That way we can make sure we can coordinate with his department. We need to make sure we have the same amount of people to keep up with the balanced teams.”

  “I’ll ask him personally, Mr. Matthews, since I know his admin, Cody, is currently filling in for a designer on the Spring Fusion account.”

  He shouldn’t be surprised she was up on all the comings and goings of the office. She was a gossip, but one that knew her job very well and took it seriously. “Thank you, Delilah. Not sure what I would do without you.”

  She smiled but didn’t acknowledge the compliment. A few moments later Kelley was alone with the pages of work that apparently needed his immediate attention. But not wanting to waste the opening with Alex he shot off a quick hello text to him.

  Determined no one was going to screw up his plans for the intern program he got to reading, hoping to keep his blood pressure in check. Somehow, he knew that Jason and Theo were behind it all.

  Kelley: Good morning Alex :)

  Every morning for the past two weeks, since Alex had agreed to texting since Kelley convinced him email took too long, he had been getting the texts. And every morning he couldn’t decide if he hated them or loved them. They gave him feelings; sort of a warm, happy feeling followed closely by that almost anxious feeling.

  He loved talking to Kelley. He was smart and seemed to think Alex was too with how much he took his input on his intern proposal. They had talked so much that week it started to cut into his work time. He was trying to be okay with the cut because he knew he worked a lot, but on the positive side, he could say that he had a new friend. And didn’t that make him sound like a dork when at twenty-seven he was proud that he had a friend? Not that he told anyone, especially not his bratty sister who would smile and be happy like she was a proud mama or something and most definitely not Ben. Alex was still a little annoyed, okay a lot annoyed, at his best friend.

  He got it. He did. Ben cared and worried. That was what he’d always done since they’d become friends. Ben was the life of the party type of guy. He always had a joke or sarcastic comeback for just about anything. But on the other side of that was a man who had heart. How couldn’t he? Ben had given up time during college from his friends and partying to spend with Evie and their mom. He made sure to help clean up the house when Alex’s mom was tired after a long day and was always there to play with Evie and to give his mom a break.

  But that didn’t mean he could push and manipulate Alex into doing what he thought was best. He wished Ben understood. He hated being mad at his best friend.

  Alex: Good morning Kelley. Busy day?

  Instead of sitting at his desk waiting for the reply, Alex got up to get a snack. Working took concentration, and he needed the fuel of food to keep him going. But if today follows the path of the last week I won’t be working much, I’ll be talking to Kelley. Just as that thought popped into his head his phone dinged with a new text. Speak of the devil!

  Kelley: Always busy! But Delilah is here to keep me on my toes. You?

  Answer back right away or eat his snack and make the man wait? Who was he kidding it had become one of his favorite parts of the day, there was no way he was going to try to play too-busy-to-talk. Grabbing his chips and the jar of salsa in one hand he answered him back as he walked back to his desk.

  Alex: Delilah is one tough lady! I remember all the interns being terrified of her. LOL

  Kelley: Oh yeah? I wonder why? ;) So, what are your plans for the day?

  At that question, his heart rate spiked and his stomach felt all fluttery like it was filled with those crazy butterflies. Why would Kelley ask him that question unless he wanted to get together? Alex didn’t think he was ready for that. Not yet. Maybe not ever. What if Kelley started to push like Ben did? How could Alex handle another person pressuring for more than he was willing to give?

  Alex: I

  He accidentally hit send on the incomplete message. Sweat had beaded on his forehead, and he was feeling very weak suddenly. He hated when that happened. He couldn’t control it. And that, in turn, made him feel out of control. Alex felt like he was forcing the air into his lungs through a pin. He pushed his chair back and put his head down between his knees just as his phone dinged again. He knew it was Kelley, but what if he got pushy about meeting up? He’d have to cut all ties and Alex would be right back to no friends. Being lonely.

  Taking a chance Alex picked up the phone, keeping his head down between his legs, he glanced at the screen bracing himself for the question to be repeated only to see…nothing. The screen was still too blurry for him to make out the small text, there was no way he could answer if he was like that. So
, Alex took the few minutes he needed, walked to his bathroom and splashed some cool water on his face. Alex sat down on the floor leaning up against the tub again with his head down on his knees. Trying to take a deep breath, counting every tap he made on his arm, the steady beat helping to ground him, to loosen the tightness of his chest. Allowing air to enter and exit in the same steady beat.

  Waiting for the heat that had risen in his body to die down.

  Waiting for his heart to settle back to its normal beat.

  Waiting for the crash of adrenaline that happened after an episode.

  After about five more texts had come through, which he hadn’t checked, and at least ten minutes had passed, he was finally feeling like himself again. Picking up the phone he unlocked the screen so he could finally read the messages and reply to the man whom it seemed wasn’t pushing but was worried instead.

  Kelley: LOL Alex what’s with that message?

  Kelley: Hey, you alright?

  Kelley: Alex? You have me a little worried? You can’t send me that kind of message and not answer.

  Kelley: I get that maybe you’re just busy but can you just text me to let me know you’re okay.

  Kelley: If you don’t text me back in the next 10 mins I’m warning you I will be calling!

  Alex: I’m fine…

  Kelley: That’s it? You’re fine? Alex, I need more than that…work thing or even constipation would work but not just fine.

  Shit! Alex hadn’t thought of what excuse he could use. There was no way he was telling Kelley what actually happened. Hell no! So, what could he say? He didn’t want to lie, but maybe a small fib wouldn’t hurt. A twist to the truth would work.

  Alex: You’re right, sorry. I just wasn’t feeling good for a few minutes. Thought I might toss my breakfast.

  There that worked. It was the truth, just not the full truth. Kelley couldn’t get mad about that. Wait. Why did he care if he got mad? It wasn’t like he answered to him. Yeah, he was a friend, but that didn’t mean he owed the man anything. Alex could do what he wanted just like he always did.