Loving Kate (Acceptance #3)

by D. Kelly

“Hell yes I was scared. I wasn’t supposed to feel the things I was feeling for you. I was still in love with Kate and being with you made me feel like I was cheating on her. And it gutted me; I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I’d never felt that before. I’d never let anyone get close enough to feel that. So I pushed you away and I ignored you. It was so fucking hard, Misty. You have no idea.”

  “It was hard for you? You have no idea how hard it was for me. It’s ironic, too, because afterward I became just like you. Well, not exactly. I didn’t fuck anyone, still haven’t, not since that night. I just got really good at pushing everyone away.”

  I’m shocked at her words and completely ashamed at how my actions have affected her. When she said she hadn’t been having sex I just assumed it was a temporary hiatus. It never even occurred to me it had been that long. She wipes away a falling teardrop and slightly clears her throat.

  “It wasn’t a secret you were a bad boy, you never kept that fact hidden. You liked to fuck random girls and I knew that. Our friendship just meant so much to me and I stupidly started falling in love with you.”

  Oh hell.

  She brushes away even more tears but she’s determined not to be upset—I can see it in her eyes, the way she straightens her back and squares her shoulders. She’s trying so hard to be strong. I hurt her so badly.

  “Misty…I…” My eyes lower to my coffee and I try to process what she just said. Daniel was right—she had feelings for me. Of course she did, deep down I knew it all along since I had feelings for her, too. “I’m sorry, Misty. It’s weak and it’s not an excuse and I understand if you can’t forgive me.”

  I reach across the table, take her hand in mine, and gaze into her beautiful, sad eyes. “But for what it’s worth, I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve grown a lot, and I would never do to you again what I did back then.”

  She clenches my hand tightly. “I know, Mike. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you would. My life has changed a lot since you left. I’ve got so much on my plate and no support system to help me with my grandma and responsibilities at home. Just to meet you tonight I had to get someone to stay with her longer.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She pulls away from me quickly, fire flashing in her eyes. “I’m not telling you so you can feel sorry for me, Mike. I’m telling you this so you can have a small inkling of what is going on in my life. If you want to be friends again, hanging out will be challenging. At most, you might get me for coffee on my breaks at the diner.”

  “And what if I want you for more than friends?”

  Where did that come from? Damn, no fucking filter!

  She gives me a look that is somewhere between thoughtful and skeptical. “I’m not ready to go there yet. You broke my trust and now you need to earn it back. Stay consistent in my life as much as you can, Mike, and I’m sure we’ll get there someday.”

  “So the door’s not closed?” I ask her with a smile as she stands to leave, and for a split second there’s a glimpse of the happy girl I used to call my friend.

  “The door has always been open, Mike. It’s just been up to you to walk through it.”

  My eyes follow her to the door and before she exits, she turns around and waves. There’s only one other girl who has ever made me feel as mixed up emotionally as I’m feeling right now. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe it’s time to think about moving on.

  Daniel

  I’m lying in bed with all the lights turned off. The only illumination is my phone every time I swipe my screen and stop myself from texting Kate. In the last hour alone I’ve gone to text her at least a hundred times.

  Kate.

  I’m so angry at her.

  I’m so in love with her.

  When Vanessa and I broke up I was angry, bitter, betrayed, and confused. For months I berated myself for being so stupid and falling into her trap. I had never experienced anything like that before and it took meeting Kate for the traces of those emotions to finally go away. But the anger I feel now, the rage that boils under the surface of my skin and pounds through my veins, is scary. It’s nothing like how I felt when everything went down with Vanessa. This is primal and raw and almost completely out of control.

  All day long my conversation with Mike has been replaying in my mind. Each time it becomes louder and more insistent in my thoughts.

  She would have forgiven you.

  She would have forgiven you!

  SHE WOULD HAVE FORGIVEN YOU!

  Who knows, maybe she would have, or maybe she would be just as angry as I am right now. Even though I know she didn’t set out to hurt me intentionally and I know she’s not a spiteful person, I still can’t help feeling like I got played. I’m also not necessarily sure if I buy the fact that she and Mike really aren’t going to get back together. I know he loves her and she loves him. And now, to top it all off, they have these matching tattoos to bond them for life. Coupled with their love story that’s mapped out on Mike’s sleeve in all its Technicolor glory, why wouldn’t she want to be with him?

  Could I really try and be more than just friends with her? Because if I let her back in and she chooses him, it would obliterate me. I couldn’t handle losing her twice in one lifetime. Mike did call earlier to see if I needed anything and asked for me to let him know when I needed reinforcements to help with Lucas. He also made sure to tell me he was meeting Misty for coffee and was trying to mend their broken relationship. I’ll admit, I let myself feel a tiny speck of hope when he told me that, and maybe that’s why I can’t get Kate out of my mind.

  I flip my phone on again, but this time it’s to look at my screensaver. It’s a picture my mom took of me holding Lucas the very first time after finding out he was mine. Even though I never said it out loud, from the second I heard Vanessa was pregnant I knew it was my baby. I hoped against hope it was Mike’s because I already had my family planned out in my head with Kate not Vanessa. And now I feel beyond guilty for ever wishing that was the case.

  As unexpected as Lucas was, he was never unwelcomed. The moment I saw him I was a changed man and I knew my life would never be the same again. The amount of love I feel for him is indescribable. It’s something I can’t even talk to my friends about because until you’ve had a child, you have nothing to compare the feeling to. But Kate would understand because she’s felt that love, and even worse, she’s lost it.

  Every part of my being wants to pick up the phone and call her but I’m terrified once I hear her voice I’ll go into a full blown rage. We seemed to do okay at the hospital—she gave me my space and we mostly stayed on opposite sides of the room. She did give me a half hug and wish me tear-filled congratulations before leaving and I knew how hard that was for her. My own heart felt as if it were breaking in tandem with hers. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to hold her and cry with her—cry for everything we lost and for not having this baby together like we’d hoped for. But I couldn’t because that would essentially be regretting Lucas, and I could never regret my son.

  Kate wouldn’t want you to, either.

  I’ve been thinking a lot about her and Lila Hope since Lucas came into the world. If anything ever happened to Lucas I don’t know how I’d be able to go on. And yet, Kate did; she’s one of the strongest people I know. She’s stronger than I could ever be and it makes me love her that much more. But that terrifies me, because how can I love someone so much when my body is filled with just as much anger toward them?

  Baby steps, just take baby steps.

  That’s what I told her we would do and at the end of the day there’s not any room in my heart to hate her. I just hate what she did, and every time I picture her in Marc’s arms and imagine all the things he did with her in his hotel, I see red.

  She’s mine and no one is supposed to know what that’s like but me.

  If I can just do something each day to let my love for her overshadow the pain I’m in, I’ll eventually find a way to at least be her friend. Kate will never give up Marc’s f
riendship and I could never look at the two of them together without feeling the hurt and anger I do. If she wouldn’t give him up for Mike she definitely won’t give him up for me. And I would never ask her to, which is just another of the many reasons why this will never work between us.

  I’m so nervous; I can’t believe I have to do this alone. Vanessa and I should be doing this together. My parents just left, and as excited as they are to be grandparents, I could also sense sadness there, too. They don’t want me doing this alone even if it’s for a few days, but they also know I have to.

  The nurse just finished showing us how to properly strap Lucas into his car seat and is now having me demonstrate to her that I was paying attention. Thankfully, I was because this is a lot harder than it looks. Vanessa has been crying all morning because she can’t come home, in turn her blood pressure monitor has been going off like crazy. I’ll be honest, I’m getting a little bit concerned that she’s still on all the IV meds and her pressure is still high. The doctor says sometimes this is harder to control than others but he has no doubt she’ll be good as new in a week or two.

  Chad looks weary. I’m sure this is hard on him and I haven’t seen anyone around supporting him. It really is just him and Vanessa against the world right now. It’s nice she has him, though, because it’s obvious how much he loves her.

  “Vanessa, I’ll bring him by every day you’re here to see you. There’s no need to keep crying; we’ll be fifteen minutes away. I’ll come as often as you want.” I’m hoping this will calm her down. Chad looks relieved; he’s probably hoping this will get her to stop crying, too.

  “No, you can’t,” she sobs loudly. I wonder if these are the post-partum hormones speaking.

  Chad and I both look at her with questioning stares and ask, “Why not?” in unison.

  She sighs loudly and blows her nose into a tissue, answering through her hiccups, “Because…you can’t expose…him to hospital germs. It’s one thing to be up here, but bringing…him in and…out…puts him at risk. He’s…perfect…so we’re not taking any…chances.”

  Well hell.

  The nurse nods in agreement. “It really is best for him to just be in his home environment right now and avoid unnecessary trips out. At least for the first week or two, but some people do it for the first month.”

  “See…I told you. But I’m going to miss him so much!” she wails and Chad pulls her into his embrace.

  “Okay. So we’ll Skype or FaceTime or whatever people do, as many times a day as you want. We’ll make this work, Vanessa. I promise.”

  Her face brightens immediately. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

  “Of course I would and I’m sure you’d do the same for me. This is our son, Vanessa. It might not be conventional, but we’re his parents and we’re going to love him. That means we’re going to have to be there for each other, too. It’s the three of us and this little boy from here on out.” Chad finally cracks a smile and I suddenly realize I haven’t made him feel like a part of this.

  “And Kate?” Vanessa asks hopefully and my heart lurches in my chest with the memory of Kate holding Lucas.

  “I…I don’t know…maybe someday.”

  “Well, that’s a start I guess,” she says haughtily and I know she must be feeling better.

  Chad takes Lucas out of the carrier and kisses him on the head before passing him off to Vanessa. While Vanessa says her goodbyes, we stand and watch this precious and extremely sad moment.

  “You know, Chad, anytime you want to come by and visit or check in on him you’re obviously welcome to do so.”

  Vanessa smiles at Chad and the unspoken words between them are clear. She’s letting him know he had nothing to worry about, he’s being accepted into this family the way he should be.

  “Thanks, man. I’ll think about it, but I don’t like leaving her here too long by herself.”

  I understand. It’s not his baby and he didn’t get any leniency with school, and being pre-med, his schedule is rough. He’s been juggling school and the hospital the past two days.

  “Well, the offer stands whenever.”

  “I appreciate it. Really.”

  As I strap Lucas back in the carrier, Vanessa begins to cry again and I can hear her sobbing as I walk out the door. I pause, wondering if I should go back, when Kate comes up and places her hand on my shoulder.

  “Go, Daniel. I’ll help her. This isn’t going to be easy for her. Mothers want to go home with their babies not without them.” Her words are heavy with emotion and I can only imagine what she’s feeling right now.

  “I’m sorry, Kate.” I find myself apologizing to her. I’m not sure why, maybe just for everything.

  “I know, Daniel, me too. I’ll stop by later to see if you need anything.”

  Before I can accept or decline she ducks into the room. As I walk past the lobby, April is there waiting for us.

  “What are you doing here?” I’m shocked she’s here; she should be at work.

  “Did you really think I was going to let my best friend take his first born son home alone? I don’t think so. I rode here with Kate and I’m riding home with you. Come on, McCormick, there’s a surprise for you at home.”

  I’m touched and completely relieved I’m not fully on my own yet. April was a career baby sitter when we were in high school and college. Thank God. She’ll know exactly what to do because I have no clue.

  “You guys planned this?”

  She looks at me smugly. “Of course we did. There’s no way I would leave any of you alone with a baby the first day home. You might be the responsible one, Daniel, but you have no idea what you’re in for, my friend.”

  Before we got home I got the feeling that April was right. Not five minutes into the drive, Lucas started screaming bloody murder. I thought riding in cars calmed kids—that’s what you always see on TV—but Lucas doesn’t seem to be having any part of it. I start to pull to the side of the road but April vetoes that idea right away from the backseat.

  “He’s fine, Daniel. He just isn’t used to this. If you pull over each time he cries you’ll never get anywhere. Keep going. If for some reason you need to stop, I’ll let you know.”

  A few minutes later, Lucas quiets and I hear him sucking on the pacifier. “See? I told you, he’s fine. What would you do without me?”

  Shaking my head, I answer her, “I’d be sitting on the side of the road trying to figure out what to do.”

  “Exactly why you needed me,” she teases as we pull up to the house.

  The whole front of the house is decorated with balloons and a giant stork with all the details of Lucas’s delivery. I’m touched they would do this but I feel bad that Vanessa is missing it. As if reading my thoughts, not only is April recording everything but she answers my unspoken questions.

  “We’ll put it all back up again for Vanessa when it’s time, I promise.”

  That’s exactly what I needed to hear.

  April grabs the diaper bag and opens the front door for us. Immediately, I remove Lucas from his carrier and get him back in my arms. Jess is inside waiting and laughs at me.

  “You know he can stay in there. It won’t hurt him. And if he’s sleeping, which he obviously was, you should leave him and catch a break. Although, there is nothing sexier than a man with a baby, Daniel. I think your fuckability rating just climbed up a few more notches, if that’s even possible.”

  At least some things will never change.

  I find myself laughing, which in turn startles Lucas and of course that gets him crying again. This is going to take some getting used to. Jess reaches out her arms and I hand him over. She hasn’t seen him since the first day; I think she’s been trying to give us space. But now that I see how enamored she is with him, I wonder if she was consoling Kate and that was the true reason for her absence.

  Only now when I turn around do I see the massive baby inventory on the counters and table.

  “Did you guys do all of this?”


  “We went shopping this morning. The last thing you need to do is take Lucas to a store, so we stocked up on all the necessities. Diapers, wipes, formula, water, baby bath, you name it, we got it. Some groceries for you, too. Kate and Vanessa really prepared well, but since you never know about formula that was really the biggest thing we had to wait for.”

  “Thank you.” I’m overcome with emotion; my friends never cease to amaze me.

  “Well, to be honest, Kate coordinated the whole thing. Not that we hadn’t thought about it but she just kind of swooped in and delegated it all,” April tells me sweetly.

  Jess snorts. “Delegated, demanded, what’s the difference? We would have done it regardless, but damn was she bossy.”

  April shoots her daggers and Jess shrugs her shoulders. “Sorry, but it’s true. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just, oh hell. Daniel, so help me God, I know you’re angry but be careful with her heart. She’s going to want to help and if you let her get attached to this baby and don’t forgive her...”

  She pauses to take a deep breath, exhaling it loudly. “All I can say is it’s one thing for Kate to be Auntie Kate, it’s another thing for her to be here helping you and hoping for a future. If you can’t give her the future, Daniel, don’t let her hope. Stay away from her. Keep your distance. She’s lost too much in her life to go through this, too.”

  Gently, she passes Lucas to me and places a tender kiss to his cheek. “If you need something, call the house. I left my phone at your house. See you guys later.”

  I’ve only seen Jess emotional a few times and they were all circumstances when she was worried about Kate. This was no different; she was wiping away her tears as she left. Of course I feel like a complete asshole in her wake.

  “Stop. You can’t change your feelings, but you are going to have to decide pretty quickly how involved you’re going to let Kate get with this baby, Daniel,” April tells me softly.

  “Tell me something I don’t already know. I don’t know what to do, April. I don’t want to keep her away from Lucas. She already loves him. I need time to think, to adjust, and to figure out how this new life is going to work.”