by Karen Gordon
Gina took a sip of coke, “No shit.”
MG went into her planning and scheming mode, “You should steal him away Carrie. Carrie blushed hard and almost choked on her soda. She had wanted to tell them, but didn’t know what to say or when. Her reaction took care of that.
MG’s eyes lit up with pleasant surprise, “Oh, my, god, Ms. Gould, are you mad crushing on our boy Ben?”
Carrie looked down because she couldn’t wipe the smile from her face.
Casey nudged her, “Carrie? Spill!” Steve pleaded with his eyes – don’t do it, don’t do it! She toned down her excitement before answering. “He told me he wants to break up with her.”
“Because of you?” Gina was analyzing.
Carrie hedged, “Yeah, I guess.”
MG’s mind went where it always did, “Have you … deflowered young Ben?”
Now Carrie couldn’t help laughing, “Deflowered?” MG waggled her eyebrows with sexual innuendo, “Yes, deflowered. If there was ever a guy who needed to be deflowered, it’s Ben.”
“Here, here,” Casey toasted with her soda glass. “Wait a minute,” Steve finally caught up with the conversation, “You’re telling me Ben is a virgin?” He shook his head in disbelief.
Gina didn’t bother to hide her disgust at how dense he was, “He’s been dating that purity queen, Joelle Welker, for like, years.”
Their conversation was starting to bother Carrie. Ben wasn’t here to defend himself, and gossiping about his sex life, or lack of one, felt wrong. She deflected, “He was just really sweet to me when the whole thing happened with Chuck, and …” she looked down and actually blushed, “He kissed me.” Why was she so juvenile when it came to discussing Ben. She felt like a school girl with a crush, which, she was.
MG caught her deflection. She kicked Carrie gently under the table and smiled her approval. The conversation faltered, and everyone got busy finishing breakfast. They could all talk and joke about sex; but crushes, kissing, love? That caused a group shut down.
They had to let go of the limo after pancakes. MG was determined they would stay out all night, so when the limo dropped them at her house she gave everyone 15 minutes to change clothes before they were all heading out again. Steve was ready first. He waited on the couch in the upstairs TV room for the rest of the group. Gina was next. She found him leaning sideways against an armrest. By the time Casey and Carrie were ready, Gina was passed out in the bean bag chair, and Steve was fighting sleep. MG found them all crashed when she finished getting ready, a half hour later.
She threw blankets over everyone, Steve last. She watched him sleep for a minute, then reached out and gently twirled one of the waves in his hair around her finger. She missed him. They had been friends since freshman year when he made her laugh in English class. They lost their virginity to each other as sophomores, both reasoning it would be easier with a friend, someone you knew and trusted. No regrets there. Their first time was a laughable disaster, but they’d gotten better ever since. It was their game to see who could out thrill the other. There had been other guys, but no one as funny, or cool, or talented. Yeah, she loved him, just not enough to give up her future and stay here.
She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t resist. She slid between him and the back of the couch and lay down with her head pressed against his back. Cologne, he put on cologne for the big night. God damn he’s cute. She wrapped her arm around his middle and soaked in the feel and smell of him as she fell asleep.
♥ ♪ ♥ Joelle didn’t say a word to Ben ‘til they had dropped both Wayne and Laura off at their houses. On the ride to her house his brain went into automatic mode, formulating a counter attack to whatever argument she would have. But in the middle of his planned excuses and reasoning, he remembered that this was what he wanted, or needed. Maybe she would even break up with him. He switched gears and got ready to be in the wrong, the bad guy. It went completely against his grain, but he could do this if it meant he wouldn’t have to break up with her and could have Carrie.
“You’ve changed, Ben.” They were parked in her driveway, near the door, where anyone inside could see them. He looked straight ahead, waiting to take her anger or worse, hurt.
“Have you had sex with her?”
Well, that one caught him off guard. “You just told half the school that she’s gay, now you ask if I’ve slept with her?”
“Well she looked gay, at least she did tonight. But I know what she and her friends are like.”
“You do? You know them? You’ve talked to them?”
“Ben, I’m serious. This is serious. If you’ve sinned, you can be forgiven.” Now he was really confused. Forgiven by her or God? Not that it mattered, because he didn’t need to be forgiven by either. “I haven’t slept with her. Like I said before she is a friend, a good friend.”
“Did you sin in your heart? Is being around her causing lustful thoughts? I’m worried about you, Ben. You need to avoid her.”
“Joelle, if I avoided girls who gave me lustful thoughts, I would have to avoid you.” Her reaction was hard to read because there were so many emotions at once; shock, disgust, then interest. She was such a contradiction. “What? You … lust me?”
“Yes, I have. But I didn’t sin, because I didn’t do anything about it, with you, or with any girl.” “My mom told me that men have problems with lust; that they have more of the devil in them, and they have to fight harder to rid their thoughts of him. Come back to church with me, come to bible study with me. We can fight this together ‘til we can get married.”
That last word was the one he needed to remind him why he had to end things with Joelle. He wanted to be with Carrie, but he also didn’t want to be married anytime soon. “Joelle, I’m just … I’m not the guy for you.”
“Yes you are,” she countered quickly. “God sent you to me to be saved by His love …” she hesitated, then said softly, “And mine.”
This was not going where he needed it to go. He didn’t want her telling him she loved him. Not now. She wasn’t going to break up with him. He was going to have to be the bad guy.
He sucked in a deep breath and tried to be as kind as possible, because, although he didn’t want to keep dating her, he didn’t hate her or want to hurt her. “When I met you, all I saw was a really pretty, sweet girl who I wanted to spend time with, and, I couldn’t believe you wanted to spend time with me. I knew you were religious, but I didn’t realize how important that was to you. Now I know you better, and I know that I am not the guy for you. I’m Catholic, and I’m always going to be Catholic. Even if I don’t go to church much, it matters to me.“
Joelle opened her mouth to counter him. He held his hand up to stop her. “Just like your church is important to you; my army career is important to me. I have wanted to do this since I was a kid. I have years of training ahead of me when I get out of school.”
“You can be married and in the army.”
“But I don’t want to be. I don’t know when I will want to get married, but I know for sure it isn’t when I’m 18.”
“So we can wait till we are 19 or 20.” Ben let his head fall back against the headrest. He closed his eyes and blew out another calming breath. She was so determined, so sure she was in the right. But he also just had a vision of four more years of frustrating make-out sessions followed by a commitment he wasn’t ready to make. That drove his resolve to get her to understand.
“Joelle, please, find someone who is right for you. It’s not me.”
She held up her promise ring, “But it was you. What happened?”
The ring, he looked at it on her finger. Dumbest move he ever made. “It started with that ring, I guess,” he looked over at the little sapphire and shook his head. “I shouldn’t have given it to you. I just wanted to buy you a gift you would like and, Suzanne had one, and I really didn’t think about what I was promising. I mean, we’re in high school, marriage is the last thing on my mind.” He shifted so he could look at her. She looked so
lost and sad, which crushed him. He steeled his resolve. He could man up and do this. “I’m sorry, Joelle. I’m not converting and we’re not getting married, so … you need to go find the guy who also wants those things.”
He knew she got the message because he could see her resolve die, then the tears started. It hurt to watch her cry, especially when he knew he was the one that caused it. Ben had no idea what to do. His instinct was to hold her, but that would probably give her the wrong idea. So he just sat and watched her and listened. He took his punishment and waited.
When she calmed down enough to talk she started to pull at the promise ring, working to get it off her finger.
“Don’t. Keep it.”
“But we’re not promised anymore.” “You don’t want to keep it because it’s a sapphire? You like sapphires.” After he said it, he realized that this was one area where logic didn’t count. The ring signified him, and she was ready to get rid of him.
He held out his hand, and she put the ring in his palm.
“I’m sorry.” She nodded but didn’t talk, just stared straight ahead. Ben took this as his cue to walk her to her door. When they got there he was at a complete loss for what to do. This was where he had always kissed her, and they had talked about the next time they would see each other.
Before she opened her front door Joelle asked, “Are you going to go out with her?”
Ben was as honest as he could be without hurting her. “I … I care about her, a lot.” She nodded like she understood. Her suspicions were confirmed, and she knew she had been right. That was all she needed to end it. She went inside.
Ben felt horrible on the ride home. He had broken up with Joelle, which he wanted to do, he reminded himself. Now he wasn’t on a fast train to marriage and a lifetime of tension between his wife and his Catholic family. And he was free to spend time with Carrie … who was exactly who he wanted to see right now. Sure he wanted to kiss her and touch her, but he also wanted to talk to her. He wanted to tell her all the stuff he was feeling right now because she would understand, and she would keep all his secrets, and she would make him laugh and feel better.
Her window was dark, and it was almost 1 a.m. She must be sleeping. He tossed a few rocks at the window, but she didn’t wake up.
He was too keyed up to go to sleep. He needed to run. He could be alone and burn off this energy and the chill night air would feel great. For once, he didn’t hang up his dress uniform. It bothered him, but the need to run was stronger. Maybe Joelle was right, he had changed. He was an emotional mess right now, something he had not been in a long time.
As he ran through his neighborhood, then two others, then around the park and back, he thought about Joelle a little, but Carrie more. She did make him more emotional. He felt more for her than he ever did for Joelle. He felt so protective of her. She had a soft side that she hid really well, but he had seen it. She trusted him enough to show him.
He pictured her in her tux. Damn she turned him on, and made him laugh. He wanted to see her now, and try to get her jacket off and … he had to shut that thought down or he would be keyed up again.
When he finished running it was 2 a.m., and he was exhausted. He hung his Class A’s in his closet before he took a quick shower. As tired as he was, he was stalling, hoping he might see a light on in her room if she got home late. He checked her window one more time; still dark. He would just have to wait to talk to her tomorrow.
Chapter 20
Ben heard MG drop Carrie off before noon the next day. He was in the basement repairing a VCR when he heard the car door shut in the Gould’s driveway. He was able to work for another 5 minutes before he could no longer fight the urge to go talk to her.
Lana met him at the back door, “Ben, how nice to see you. What can I do for you?” Why did it never occur to her that he was here to see Carrie?
“I came over to talk to Carrie.” “Oh, well,” she paused as if she was trying to process the foreign idea. “She’s in her room. I’ll get her for you.” Lana opened the door wider. “Come on in.”
She crossed the kitchen and called upstairs to Carrie. Ben stayed in the doorway between the mudroom and kitchen.
“Did you have a nice time at prom?”
“Yes ma’am.” “I saw you leaving with your girlfriend. That was a beautiful dress she had on.” She timed the statement perfectly so Carrie could hear from the foot of the stairs.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Carrie smirked behind her mom’s back, letting him know she was not going to let her mom’s comment affect her. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Do you have a minute? I want to talk to you.” “Sure, come on up,” Carrie led the way to her bedroom. When they reached the top of the stairs Lana shouted from below, “Keep the door open.”
Ben smiled and came close to talk quietly, “She doesn’t trust me.”
Carrie laughed, “No, you she trusts, it’s me she doesn’t trust.”
He raised his eyebrows, challenging her to be untrustworthy with him. Out of habit, Ben sat on the edge of her desk. He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Carrie sat on her bed with her back against the headboard, like she had always done when they were in her room.
He wanted to touch her, but right now he needed to talk to her. “Well,” he shrugged and looked out her window, “I broke up with Joelle last night.”
Carrie nodded as she processed the idea. She was happy for herself, but she wasn’t sure how he was feeling. “What happened?”
“I just,” he started to pace, “I told her that I wasn’t the guy for her.” Carrie was silent, letting him decide how much to tell her. He took her Rubik’s cube from the shelf above her desk and fiddled with it as he paced; a sure sign he was having a hard time talking about this.
“She, uh, well, she wanted to get married.”
Carrie didn’t try to hide her shock, “Like now?”
Ben kept pacing and turning the Rubik’s cube, “No, more like after we graduate, next year.”
“Oh, wow.” This was all news to her.
“Yeah, I know. And she wanted me to convert and join her church.”
“And you won’t.” It was a statement. Carrie knew he wouldn’t do that because of his grandparents. “Yeah.” He stopped and looked at her now, relieved that she understood and knew him so well. “So I told her that she needed to find a guy who wanted the same thing she did.”
Carrie smiled, that had to be the nicest break-up speech she had ever heard.
“What?” He caught her smiling.
“Nothing. So … did she, ask about me?” She sincerely hoped she was left out of the conversation.
“She asked if I was going to ask you out.”
“And you said?”
He looked down at the cube and twisted it a few times. “That I wasn’t sure.”
Carrie’s voice was quiet, she hated to ask. “Are you, not sure?”
He looked up at her with sincere eyes, “No, I mean, I’m sure. I, just, you know, didn’t want to hurt her.”
It shouldn’t, but his thoughtfulness still amazed her, “That’s cool. I get it.” He put the cube back on the shelf and sat on the edge of the desk again, feeling awkward, in limbo between friends and dating. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he put them back in his pockets. “So, what are you doing tonight?”
She shrugged and smiled.
“You want to go out?” “Like on a date, together?” It came out wrong, like she thought it was a funny that he asked her on a date with him. “I mean, yeah, sure. I’ve just … well, I’ve never been on a ‘real date’.” She used air quotes to stress her point.
He looked at her like she just grew a third eye.
“Chuck … we never went anywhere, except his house.”
“You’ve never been on a date.”
“Technically no.” “Well, we’ll have to fix that tonight.” He launched himself from the desk, wanting to start the date now, to touch her, and kiss her. On his wa
y past her door he glanced downstairs to check for Lana, then he mock tackled her onto her back on the bed, kneeling over her. He pinned her hands with his and leaned down for a rushed, hungry kiss.
“Two months” He kissed her again, “Two months I have been waiting to do that.” Carrie pulled up to kiss him, and he pulled away from her, teasing. “Um, I’ve waited two months too.” She strained against his hands, laughing, and stretching up to reach him. He laughed as he kept a hold on her hands, but flipped so she was lying on him. He let go of her hands to wrap his arms around her and pull her to him for more urgent kisses.
“Carrie,” her mother shouted up from the kitchen.
“Yeah,” she was still lying on Ben when she shouted back.
“Did you have lunch at MG’s?” Lana’s voice was getting closer as she moved to the bottom of the stairs. Ben rolled his eyes as he slid Carrie off the top of him. She stood and went to her door to talk to her mom, “We had a really late breakfast.”
“So you’re not hungry now?”
“No, I’m fine.” Carrie turned away from her mom. Ben mouthed to her ‘dinner.’ “Oh, Mom, I won’t be here for dinner tonight.”
“Where are you going?”
“Ben and I are … meeting some friends … for pizza.”
“And how are you planning to pay for this? You spent all your money on that ridiculous tuxedo.”
Ben walked to the doorway, “I asked her to go, I’ll buy.”
“That’s very nice of you, Ben, but you don’t have to pay for Carrie.”
His smile was conspiratorial and sweet, “I don’t mind. I’m just glad she agreed to come along.”
Carrie smiled back at him. Her mother saw them smile at each other and turned away, confused. Carrie knew it would take her a long time to figure it out if they didn’t tell her. She would never guess that someone like Ben would be interested in her daughter.
♥ ♪ ♥ Carrie wanted to look nice, but not so nice that her mom would ask a bunch of questions. After trying on at least five different outfits she decided on her nicest pair of jeans, a dark blue sweater and her favorite plaid Chuck Taylors.
