Suburban Love Song (Burnouts Book 1)

by Karen Gordon

  In the end she went in with his mom and got him a new top for his jeep. It was used to begin with and had a few tears that had been repaired with tape. He couldn’t take that with him either, but it would be waiting for him, and he could use it till he left.

  Ben was drawn to the jewelry store over and over again. He wanted to buy her a ring – an engagement ring. His illogical heart wanted to ask her to wait for years for him to be ready for them to be together. It would be a totally selfish move, and that’s what kept him from doing it. It absolutely ate at his gut to think of her with someone else, but he couldn’t realistically ask someone so young and fun to sit home and wait for years for him while he went off to pursue his dream.

  Christmas afternoon, after she had spent time with her own family, Carrie went over to Ben’s. She visited with his mom and grandparents for a while, then he anxiously pulled her up to his room. He had a couple of gifts for her on his bed, and he had a precise order that she needed to open them. The first, biggest gift was a book on the history of interior design. The second box had a cashmere sweater, scarf and gloves.

  “They’re really soft,” Ben anxiously explained why he chose them as Carrie wrapped the scarf around her neck and tried on the gloves. She rubbed her gloved hand across his cheek and around his neck then pulled him in for a kiss.

  In the final, smallest box there was an antique pearl locket on a gold chain. On the front was an angel with wings, but when Carrie looked closer she could see it was actually a propeller with angel wings.

  “It’s so sweet,” she looked at Ben with questioning eyes, wanting the story behind it. “It was my grandma’s. The Colonel gave it to her during World War II so she would know how much he loved her when he was away.”

  Her heart jolted. She traced the little wings with her finger. Ben pulled her onto his lap and leaned back against his headboard. “She wanted me to give it to you,” he turned her head to face him so he could look her in the eyes, “Because she knows how much I love you.” It was a round-about way of telling her, but he had a feeling a direct declaration would freak her out too much.

  “She really wanted me to have it?” Carrie had to focus on the locket and not his words, but she heard them. Tears welled up in her eyes, and so many emotions spilled over.

  “She said she’s been in your shoes, and that having this helped her.” Dorothy understood. Of course she did, she was 17 when the Colonel left for war. Ben wasn’t going to war, but that wouldn’t make her miss him any less. The locket would make her think of Ben, but it would also make her think of his awesome family, who didn’t think her heart break was just teenage drama. Dorothy knew and cared.

  That thought had her sobbing. She clung to Ben’s neck, “You knew this would happen, right?” she squeaked out on a ragged breath.

  “It’s OK, it’s just you and me. I got this.” With that, she really let loose. She went into ugly crying, and didn’t try to fight it. Her body shook, her tears flowed, and her nose was dripping furiously, but Ben didn’t seem bothered. He clung to her as hard as she did to him. When she looked up his eyes were red too. She kissed his eyelids and his lips and laid her wet cheek on his.

  He inhaled deeply, “It’s not going to be easy for me either.”

  Carrie nodded into his neck. “If I don’t seem sad, when it’s time for me to go, just know I have to do that. I’m going to be dying inside, but I won’t be able to let it show.”

  ♥ ♪ ♥ Football may not have been Ben’s sport, but track and field fit perfectly with his training. He joined the team in the spring and started as their fastest distance runner. He had to dress in a team uniform for meets, but he still practiced in his camos and boots with his weight sack on his back. He would also run short distances with Carrie over his shoulders to practice carrying another solider. Then he made her put the weight sack on because she wasn’t close to the 200 lbs he was aiming for.

  His first track meet was surreal. He was the only person she had ever known who played a sport in high school. She had never been to a football game or any sports event. MG and the others decided to go with her, then MG decided they need to be Ben’s own cheer squad. She didn’t care that they normally didn’t have school cheerleaders at the meets, she said it was a great excuse to wear a super short skirt and shake her ass and her pom poms.

  Carrie offered to make a few short purple skirts for MG, Casey and herself. Gina still hung around them at school, but refused to be a 5th wheel on the weekends.

  “Purple, why purple?” The way MG managed to ignore the actual school they attended was astounding.

  “It’s our school color.” “Oh, well we’re not going to cheer for the school, we’re going to cheer for Ben. And I don’t like purple.” Solid MG logic.

  “So, what color do we wear for Ben, camo?” “Now you’re talking! We would look so hot in little camo skirts,” she was getting a vision, “and tee shirts with a big B on them.”

  “If you make those, I’ll make the skirts.”

  “And black pom poms. I want pom poms.”

  “Where are we going to get those?”

  “I don’t know … the pom pom store? Where do the other cheerleaders get them?”

  Carrie had to laugh that MG now considered herself a cheerleader.

  “We’ll put Casey on it.” Casey found a place to buy pom poms. The real ones were super expensive, so they drove to a little town out in the boonies where the school colors were black and gold and bought smaller ones for $1 each from their booster club. The lengths MG would go to once she got an idea.

  The finishing touch was two high ponytails, tied with black ribbons.

  Ben had to ride to the meet on the team bus, so his personal cheer squad was guaranteed to be a surprise. It was a sunny day, but still early enough in spring that they were freezing. MG’s solution for that was enough alcohol to either warm their blood, or make them not care that their legs and arms were turning blue. It had the added benefit of helping them get up the nerve to scream and cheer; something they would normally never do.

  Ben was warming up when he saw them. His smile said ‘I have no idea what you are up to, but this looks fun’. He ran over to meet them.

  When he got close, all three girls let out a whoop. “We’re here to cheer for you.” MG yelled-slurred. She stuck out her chest and pointed to the camo fabric B glued to the front. “Cool, huh?”

  He pointed to the three girls, “All this, for me?” Steve was standing back a little with his hands in his pockets, “Yeah, well, that and MG is working out some of her cheerleader fantasies. It’s all good.” He held up a camera.

  Ben gave him a knowing smile, “I’ll need copies.” He leaned over to give Carrie a kiss but she pushed him away, “Um, not while I’m in uniform. There are rules and regs about these things, ya know.”

  She was very tipsy and mocking him, but in that outfit, especially with the pony tails, he was too turned on to care. “Wear this to my house later. We’ll discuss rules and regs and punishment.” He gave her a quick kiss and went back to the team.

  He was only in two events, the high jump and the long distance run. The high jump was first and he placed third, which was pretty damn good considering he only started jumping a few weeks earlier. The girls yelled out their only cheer, where they spelled his first name. Good thing it was short and they each only had to remember one letter, because their drinks were kicking in. MG attempted to do the splits. It was both painful and sexy to watch.

  The long distance race was last. By the time it started, only Casey and Carrie were left cheering. MG was too cold and she went to her car with Steve to ‘warm up.’ By the time the race was finished, Pat had shown up, and he and Casey were in his car. Which left Carrie waiting for him alone, with blue legs and arms, at the finish line. He picked her up on his way across the line and carried her to where he had left his jacket and warm up pants so she could put them on.

  He had finished first by a long shot. He wasn’t some natural super athle
te, but he was driven by a need to win something much bigger than a high school track meet. This was easy compared to the 5-mile runs he was preparing for at Ranger school; he had both food and sleep before this one. The win was kind of anti-climactic. Seeing Carrie waiting for him wasn’t.

  Chapter 26

  On Saturday, March 8th, Ben took his ASVAB test and met with his recruiter. The idea that they would have to ‘recruit’ Ben was laughable. He was recruited by the Colonel when he was a little boy; job done. His test results were predictably outstanding. The world, or at least the Army’s part of it, was his oyster.

  Because of his love of computers, he chose Intelligence, although he was still charting a course that would lead him to Rangers in 3-4 years. His biggest concern was making sure he was in the field, not assigned to desk-job Intelligence. While he scored extremely high in the areas of the test that he needed for Intelligence work, his highest scores pointed toward engineering, specifically electrical; just like his dad. He didn’t even consider that option.

  Joining also required Ben make one of his rare visits to see his dad. Don was living in Illinois about an hour’s drive away. He could have signed the permission forms Ben needed to join at age 17 and mailed them back, but he insisted that Ben come in person. Carrie offered to go along, but Ben declined. It would be a short, cold meeting, and as soon as he had his dad’s signature, he was out of there and headed back home.

  ♥ ♪ ♥

  Graduation and summer came at Carrie like a freight train, and she felt like she was tied to the tracks. Because she was with Ben and her friends every day, it was hard to imagine any of them gone. Over Easter break MG and her Mom went apartment shopping in New York. It was becoming more obvious, but never said, that Carrie would not be going along. The pictures MG brought back of their new apartment showed that it had one bedroom for Amber, and MG would be sleeping on a pull out couch. The other person they would be leaving behind was Vin. After four years of waiting for him to leave his wife, Amber had given up and decided to use all her savings to start a new life.

  Ben did his best to prepare Carrie for what she could expect from him after he left – not much. Basic Training wasn’t like summer camp where he could call every night. In fact, the new cell phone his grandparents had given him would be taken away ‘til he was finished. He could write, but would be given little time to do that. Carrie wanted her own letters from him, but told him that he could send her messages through his mom if he could only write one letter.

  It never occurred to her to ask him to stay. This path had been a part of him for as long as she had known him. They talked about the future; possibilities, whether fate exists, but neither asked the other for promises or commitments. Carrie found a way to look at her relationship with Ben that eased the pain some and helped her keep smiling when he was around. She decided they were lightning in a bottle; beautiful, rare, and strong. They both took a huge leap and jumped into something amazing, that just couldn’t last.

  Graduation was a non-event except that Ben was Salutatorian for their class and required to give a speech. He talked about having dreams and reaching for them, staring at Carrie the whole time. But he kept it short and to the point, a very Ben-style military briefing on life. And they all graduated, even Steve.

  The Monday following the ceremony and the parties, Steve started back on his night-shift job at Tricon, Casey got the job she wanted making wallets with her sister-in-law, MG was packing for New York and Carrie had a rare conversation, of sorts, with her dad.

  “Got a job yet?” Earl questioned her at breakfast.

  “I just graduated two days ago.”

  “Well it’s time to start looking.” Ben had helped her get a driver’s license, but she still had no car and no way to get one without a job. These weren’t things she bothered to bring up to her dad. His message was clear, her days at home were numbered, and it was up to her to figure out what she was going to do about it.

  Gina came through with a job, waiting tables with her at a local family restaurant, and Ben solved her transportation problem. He would leave her the keys to his jeep ‘til she could get a car of her own. It was another way he could still be there for her, even when he wasn’t.

  The night before he left, Carrie steeled herself and didn’t cry. They had dinner with his mom and grandparents then went to MG’s house to hang out and drink and swim. MG’s mom was tipsy and affectionate (like mother, like daughter). She kept kissing and hugging them all goodbye and telling them to come visit her and MG in New York.

  She didn’t even cry when he made love to her for the last time … in years? Ever? In her head she kept repeating, lightning in a bottle, lightning in a bottle. She soaked up the bitter-sweet memories of something so amazing it would probably never happen to her again, but damn she was lucky to have it now. She spent the entire night in his bed, sleeping, wrapped up and sweating in his warmth.

  In the morning he had his game face on. He was a solider now, no crying over the girl he was leaving behind. His family asked her to come along, but she couldn’t risk going to see him off. Her floodgates were cracking, and that would be the worst place to go into a full-on cry. Before he left his room, dressed in his new camos, Ben pulled a wrapped gift out of his closet. He set it on his desk and told her she should open it after he left. She smiled and nodded but couldn’t talk through the lump in her throat.

  He held her tight, breathing in her scent, stroking her hair. His emotions were past words. So it was Carrie’s turn to be tough and brave. She thought she was going to choke. It hurt so much to talk, but she leaned into his neck and said, “I love you, Ben,” on a whisper.

  His mom called him from the bottom of the stairs. He kissed the top of her head and left.

  ♥ ♪ ♥ She sat on his bed, the silent house echoing in her ears, screaming out the fact that he was gone. She looked around his room at all the reminders of him and of their time together. She was poking at the wound, wanting to bleed, to cry, to let out this powerful pain. Her chest tightened to the point it hurt, and her breath came in short bursts. She rolled onto her side and held her stomach, pushing against the ache in her gut. She moaned in pain and let the racking sobs take over. No one was there to hear or see her. This was her safe place to cry, so she didn’t fight the tears or try to be quiet.

  When she reached for the box of Kleenex on his desk she saw her gift, and just the fact that it was there was another punch in her gut. She thought about saving it for another day but changed her mind. There was no way what was in that box was not going to make her cry, so she might as well do this now, while she was alone in his room, in his bed.

  Her gift was a stuffed bear and a multi-page letter. Most people wouldn’t see her as a stuffed-animal kind of girl, but Ben was one of a handful of people who knew about her Blue Bunny. He helped her build the shelves above her bed where Blue Bunny sat (well, flopped).

  With her back against his headboard, her new bear on her lap and the big box of Kleenex next to her she read the letter:

  Carrie, I’m sorry I had to say most of this in a letter. I wish I were more eloquent and could find the perfect words to tell you in person how important you are to me.

  First, let me introduce Ben, the bear in this box. You can imagine how shocked I was to find out he and I had the same name. He is a quiet guy and great for hugging, so I asked him to hang out with you while I can’t. The most amazing thing is that he loves it when beautiful girls cry on him. He said it makes his fur shinier. For now, he will be my stand in.

  Carrie hugged the bear closer, wiped her eyes and blew her nose, then kept reading. I wish I could see into the future so I could guarantee you that we will be together, hopefully married, someday. I can tell you that is what I want, but I have a lot to do before that can happen.

  So, in the mean time (and it kills me to say this) I want you to date other guys. As much as I hate the idea of someone else getting to spend all their time with you, it would be wrong of me to ask you t
o spend that time alone. Maybe it will be a good thing. You can date a bunch of losers and then know for sure that I am the guy for you. OK, just kidding about the losers. DO NOT let anyone treat you badly. You deserve someone to be kind to you and do nice things for you. I might not be there to kick the ass of anyone who treats you badly, but I have connections, warn them.

  You have no idea how much you mean to me. I can’t remember not being in love with you. We have had our share of fights over the years, but I still thought that you were the one for me. Of course, when we were younger I used to think I had to make you see everything my way (because that was the right way), but I got over that. You’ve taught me as much as I’ve taught you. Because of you I am a lot more fun, I know how to decorate a room, I know how to show people that I care, and I saw that bravery isn’t always on a battlefield. You were incredibly brave and strong to let me in this past year, knowing I was leaving.

  No matter what happens, you will always have a huge part of my heart. The Army is getting my body and my mind, but I’ve left my heart there with my mom and grandparents and you. It makes this a little easier knowing that you all have each other. My mom really likes you, so I hope you two keep in touch. I worry about her getting out and doing things, so maybe you could check up on her and go out to eat or something every once in a while. My grandma told me to tell you to call her anytime or visit her and the Colonel. They love you too.

  I don’t know what else to say except thank you for this past year, for the 10 before that, for being my friend, for being my lover, for making me laugh, for kidnapping me and cheering for me, but mostly for letting me in and letting me love you.

  I love you,

  Ben

  Chapter 27 Carrie poured herself into a new routine. She had wrapped so much of her life around Ben. She knew she had to find a lot of things to fill her time and keep her mind busy so she could push past her overwhelming desire to lay in bed and cry. Where Ben had been her rock, MG had been her joy, and even though she could talk to her on the phone, there was a space they couldn’t bridge to feel as close as they did before. Carrie was alive, breathing, moving; but never completely present, as if both of them had taken part of her with them. She carried loneliness in her, and, if she stopped moving too long, she feared it might consume her.